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just need an ear or hand or a something? please help or just talk?

(31 Posts)
mouses Sat 07-Sep-13 22:57:06

most have probably read my dull depressive threads, i suffer with depression, anxiety, i panic alot, have bad mood swings, spending sprees, animal hoarding, i get angry, cant think straight. hear voices, see things, last night there were people, shadows peeping round the doors making me scared so scared that i didnt want to open my eyes or turn my head incase they were there. sat on my bed with pointed tweezers scratching away at my legs again. then was annoyed that it didnt leave more a mark in the morning. ive gone insane!

been back and forth to the gp for 2yrs (thought it was all normal until then!) on fluoxetine for a year, had an assessment last month and awaiting psyhciatrist list.

i cant even concentrate on what i want or need to say and this prob wont make no sense. im so overwhelmed by this illness it seems to be getting worse and eating awayat me bit by bit, first my childhood, my social life then my partner, my pets, now my kids are next!
im finding it really hard to deal with this and run the house and kids. my eldest has just gone to secondary school and its really strict, he must have all his equiptment, be well dressed etc and im finding it exhausting to make sure his pens are ok, he has right pe kit, that he leaves with everything... he got a strike on his first day because half his shirt was hanging out! i felt so angry and aggresive that i wanted to go to the school hurt them, but didnt want him to be kicked out.

i cant sit and do homework with them, dd goes nursery in 11 days and needs to be read her book, i just know it wont be done as it never happened with the boys. half the time i dont know what day their homework is, what their teachers name is! im a failure as a mother, wish i could be better, how i imagened i would be, not like this. im not enjoying it, this illness has made me hate being a parent.

now im thinking (again) of handing them over to their dad so he can give them a better chance of a childhood, well whats left of it. my dd wont go with any one so she will have to stay with me. she's too young to understand and fully dependant on me. i feel so bad the thoughts there, that i gave up on them! scared and ashamed they will grow up twisted and confused like me. i cant keep them but dont want to fail them any longer. i dont know what i m suppose to do?

TheSilverySoothsayer Wed 18-Sep-13 22:43:27

sorry about HCP for health care professional. Your thoughts are all about protecting your DC, aren't they, and what's best for them? You are not very well atm sad it is hard I know, but please don't give up hope...

HoopHopes Wed 18-Sep-13 22:13:33

Hcp is I think health care professionals.

mouses Wed 18-Sep-13 20:02:50

i dont understand alot of the abriviations, hcp? need a better understanding of the whole thing i suppose.

im not liking parenting, i cant enjoy them like this. and how can i say i love them with those thoughts sad they deserve more love, more time, more affection.

thanks for your wishes x

TheSilverySoothsayer Wed 18-Sep-13 19:55:39

Hello mouses have a hug and a brew

You are not a failure as a mother. You love them and they love you. You have called for help from HCP, the waiting is very hard. Sending warmest wishes x

mouses Wed 18-Sep-13 19:38:45

dont think i can do this any more, i keep telling myself to hold on there.... but im loosing control my emotions, my feelings, my anger, my head.

all thats on my mind is to get rid of everything that causes me more stress including the dc's sad just dont know what to say, failure. complete mess of a mother.

HoopHopes Wed 11-Sep-13 19:53:01

Oh sorry bit great days that is not nice

mouses Wed 11-Sep-13 17:27:51

hi hoop

not had good days, didnt mean to damper mn the other night. but thanks for your time to read.

HoopHopes Sun 08-Sep-13 23:30:14

How has today been for you? Hope tomorrow is a bit easier for you.

mouses Sun 08-Sep-13 12:41:46

please dont get angry with me, i just want some one to talk to

HoopHopes Sun 08-Sep-13 12:38:54

You are seeking help, you have been to gp, had an assessment and requested a psychiatric appointment. What other help do you want? What help do you want, in what form? If you know what you need or want it is easier to know when you got it or to ask for it. Or know where to ask for it.

Have you asked your HV to see you as they vcan refer to you for support also.

mouses Sun 08-Sep-13 11:59:18

i dont mean to moan about the services, i know they're stretched. im just calling out for help i suppose. its a scary place to cope on my own and appear well to the neighbourhood.

sorry

HoopHopes Sun 08-Sep-13 11:51:53

They do not just take children away from their mums due to mental health issues. If they are concerned they out support in place and help. Having social care involvement is one way of jumping up the queue for therapy as well. By you do not have social care involvement and they are not concerned.

It is tricky. If you are not really honest about what life is like for you and your children then you will not get the help you need. As you are finding out. Professional help comes in different guises: medication, diagnosis, short term counselling and cbt, family support worker, children's centre support if have child under age of 5, crisis team short term involvement, group therapy which tends to be longer and so on.

You are requesting official diagnosis and whilst that is happening it is unlikely anything but short term crisis help can be offered as you now have a dr you are waiting to see so until they have had their input you are already in the system. The psychiatrist can do diagnosis and medication and have an input into where you should be treated but that is all the psychiatrist generally does; they do not do any of the support themselves as it were after diagnosis. If you can tell your psychiatrist what assessment you already had, the diagnosis and why you requested a psych involvement and how difficult it is at home with three children as a single mum they may be able to suggest appropriate care package.

mouses Sun 08-Sep-13 11:46:26

im still with dds dad although he lives with his parents, he works full time. hid dad works and his mum has health issues.

mouses Sun 08-Sep-13 11:42:33

yes i told the assesor, she said she has observed the home and my dc's, she says they are up and dressed, the house in clean. she has no worries that the dc's are in any neglect. she told me she she was the mental health department of social services??

as you say they have most likely looked at my situation and think im coping ok, maybe i didnt let it show how bad i was in fear of them walking out with my dc's?

i know its stupid as im talking about giving them to their dad, but i dont want them all to be taken into care while a decision is made. their dad doesnt have his own home he lives in his friends spare room. if that explains better? so im scared they will be placed in foster home.

HoopHopes Sun 08-Sep-13 11:18:29

Hi did you tell the gp or assessor what you put here: children taking selves to school for 2 yrs, obsessive cleaning, not able to cope with demands of 3 children in different school situations, not getting dd to nursery on time? If you told them everything they may assess you in different way as know what you struggle to do?

Perhaps when you get your psychiatrists appointment why not write down everything you practically struggle with due to your mental health issues? It is the only way for them to diagnose or treat you if they kiwi everything. If you tell them you have 3 children and cope fine then they will say you are doing ok in an over stretched NHS. Most likely. As you have found.

mouses Sun 08-Sep-13 11:08:45

thats ok, its hard to know what to say sometimes. i had a friend years ago who had a break down and i didnt know what to say or do to help. talking just helps a little i dont feel so alone.

it doesnt come across that way to me, when they came i just felt like that they ticked me off in the 'another depressed person box' and get in the queue for some one to bother with you. i know i sound horrendous but thats how i feel. i appreciate your time on replying.

WithConfidence Sun 08-Sep-13 10:57:16

But maybe they aren't trying to say "oh other people are worse off than you, stop moaning." but trying to point out that you aren't alone and actually you have done really well to achieve XYZ considering how ill you are.

I don't know what to say but I don't want you to give up hope because there is good help out there if you can access it.

mouses Sun 08-Sep-13 09:10:43

i say that because when i tell them how im feeling i always get ''other people cant get out of bed all day or dont get dressed or dont know their spending hundered of pounds''

on person said i cant be that bad cos i make it to my (at the time) havco course. then at the mind appointment i got the same speech about how bad some people are and that i got there! so it makes me feel im bothering them for nothing.

ive been trying to get help for over a year, trying to tell them its more then depression. i just dont know any more.

WithConfidence Sun 08-Sep-13 08:55:54

they probably just think im attention seeking, worse people out there, not needing their help etc. so why bother them again?

If they think that they are not very good at their jobs. Unfortunately mental health services are really stretched in some areas. You have to tell yourself that the point is, if you get help, it could really improve your dc's lives. Push them for some more support, not (just) for yourself but for your dc.

Your life sounds so hard. I'm sorry.

mouses Sun 08-Sep-13 00:43:47

manic not many people know what i see, dont have friends so no one to tell me its not real. when the assessment team can i was annoyed at them when they told me it was just my imagenation running wild. i know what i saw and i see it repeatidly. so i dont know what it comes under. so confused.

withconfidence - ive told my gp, is why she refered the A&A team. meaningto go back to her and ask for another assessment but just cant bring myself to go and be disappointed again. they probably just think im attention seeking, worse people out there, not needing their help etc. so why bother them again?

im sorry to hear about your brothers passing, i try to think of the hurt it will cause but it never feels like i will be better, its horrible to wake up each day knowing its goingto be hell!.

mouses Sun 08-Sep-13 00:32:25

i asked them what they thought about going to live with their dad, eldest said no other said yes. itcaused more pain as i didnt want to split them up. didnt know what was for the best so nothing has been mention since except me shouting at them one day that if they dont behave they will be going with out a choice. just nasty of me.

their dad is an arse, thinks he is dad of the yr showing off that he has his boys every other wk end, picking them up at 10 or 11am dropping back at half 6pm, doesnt have them in the holidays. thinks toys will make up for love and time spent with them. by no mean least am i saying im any better parent, if i wasnt ill id like to think id be beter?

i know he dont deserve them but i dont want social services involved and he probsbly wouldnt give them back when i recover?! im scare because of the trauma it will cause them, but at the same time i feel it may help relieve me of some of the stresses? i guess im terrified of failing either way.

WithConfidence Sun 08-Sep-13 00:25:14

Noodles are fine once in a while, have seen it on the What's for dinner threads before smile. My ds gets cold bits (ham, crumpets, fruit etc) for meals a lot as he is fussy and sometimes I just can't cope with cooking.

The things you see and hear sound very distressing. Have you told all this to gp? It sounds very serious to me, not just depression. Have you been able to identify what triggers it, eg tiredness?

Just by the accident of birth, because you are their mum, they love you and need you. My brother is dead (we don't know exactly what happened, could have been suicide) and it is very hard for his child to deal with even with an amazing step dad as a replacement parent.

maniclady Sun 08-Sep-13 00:20:23

I asked because ime it describes the level of psychosis you are experiencing see when psychotic I see things like you describe but sometimes I know that I'm seeing things and it's not really there then I am mildly psychotic. Sometimes . Believe no matter what anyone tells me that the psychotic vision is real and I will get angry when told it is not iyswim.

Either way it sounds to me like you need to call crisis or go to a and e.

WithConfidence Sun 08-Sep-13 00:13:19

What is their dad like? Do you think they would want to live with him - don't think about them getting away from you but what they would actually get out of living with him? Think of it as a reality. Do you feel terrified or would it give you some space to get yourself back on track? I'm not saying you should do it but try and think it through rationally.

'Proper mum' is very vague but why do you feel you don't hug or kiss or say I Love You them enough? That could be a small aim to set yourself each day, a hug each. And then congratulate yourself each day for having done it but don't beat yourself up if you don't, just aim to do it the next day. (This is the kind of thing my therapist has suggested to me.)

Can you speak to the school and ask them to help at all? Frankly I say do what you need to to cope in the short term, as long as they are not in danger.

mouses Sun 08-Sep-13 00:10:23

they diagnosed me as depressed, i refused to accept it and requested to see a psychiatrist like my gp said i needed. ive been trying to find out whats wrong with me for ages i looked into bipolar, bpd but they say what they think.

i dont understand what you mean by how do i know? sorry im not the brightest either. i see people with distorted faces, i see a dead body laying in my bath, someone hanging from my shower pole, the dark knots on my wooden floor one night were bugs crawling, my dogs mouth once looked like a zombie warewolfs mouth full of drewl and huge teeth. voices telling me im a coward, that im no good at any thing, once told me to leave my home (which i did) i walked and walked, they kept telling me my dd and boyfriend have had enough of me and i should just kill myself. i used to think it was my inner voice but since being on this forum ive realised what i thought was normal, isnt!

my dss have been taking themselves to school for the last 2yrs cos icant get up and motivated, my dd is supposed to be in for 9, some days she dont get there others its more like 10am.

i always feel like killing myself is THEIR only hope and freedom from me, dinner the other night was pot noodle cos i couldnt cook, i actually forgot to cook for them one day last week (cant even remember what day!) it was only when my boy said he was hungry i realised theyd had no dinner. then blamed him for being out in the communal garden playing all evening and not asking. they need saving from me!

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