feel like i need to give in the fight now

[mouses]

had my assessment yesterday, they say i am depressed and anxious. poss caused by childhood. that i will need to self refer to fresh start for talking therapy.

i tried to tell them its more then depression, not sure what but something else?

before i ended up in foster care i remember sitting in my livingroom shaking and feeling odd, then one day again - before fostercare - i said to my mum my head dont feel right? so young then.

i told them i wasnt happy with just 'depression' and requested i see a psychiatrist. which they said 'well ok but can take up to 8wks minimum!'

i was left feeling no hope, i took a steak knife and pushed it against my wrist, but the coward i am cant even do it! now i feel completely lost, really dont know what to do. ive decided i will talk to my 2 ds's and make arrangments for them to live with their dad, my dd will stay with me for longer as she is my shadow. i feel like i need to clear my life of everything then i dont have too much to leave behind?

spent the whole morning thinking what would be the easiest, cleanest way out!

maybe they think because i get up, get dressed, fed the kids and do housework that im not 'that bad' but if i didnt have the kids to look after i would rot away in my bed. i do it so the kids dont end up as twisted as me, i do it so they aint surrounded by a dirty home or raiding the bins for food!

they dont realise how much mentally it takes me to plan shopping for the week, cook a meal, wash up, clean up, GET UP! it takes everything out of me. i feel like a zombie, then got to fake smile when the beighbours wave, its exhausting.

[HoopHopes]

Hi, on a positive if it is just depression as you call it then is that not a positive? And do not underestimate what depression is, your last paragraph reveals total depression symptoms.

In the NHS a referral to a dr has to be in a certain number of weeks no, thankfully- think it is 18. So 8 weeks to see a psychiatrist is actually a good time. I had to wait 16 weeks and was top of the cancellation list when I was mentally unwell and pregnant. So whilst it seems a long time it is less than half the time you could wait.

In the meantime, whilst you wait out that referral in for therapy for fresh start.

Honestly, from an outside point of view I would be thrilled. A diagnosis that explains what is wrong with me that can be treated with medication and therapy and a referral for a 2nd opinion and for therapy. Seriously, it feels awful because depression and anxiety is awful!!!

And the NHS has got better. When I was first diagnosed about 10 years ago with depression I had a 6 month wait to see a psychiatrist, plus a 9 month wait for an assessment and then told there was a 9-18 month wait for talking therapy which I could not then do as I had a job!!!

Try and hold onto the positives: you have a diagnosis that fits your symptoms and relatively quick referrals for a psychiatrist to confirm or otherwise and a referral for talking treatment.

If you are struggling to care for your children and have a child under 5 you can use your HV for support and for her to refer to home start, a children's support worker etc. you can refer yourself to children's or adults social services if you want more help. When I was struggling in pregnancy I was referred to SS as the psych said that is where the funding is for more support ( I got ten sessions of talking treatment and tablets and that was it otherwise!!)

What help do you want

[mouses]

hi

im not struggling with my DC's, they are clean, fed and have entertainment, toys etc. i lack cuddles and i love you's, and this along with the fact i will corrupt their childhood - is the reason they need to live with their dad.

ive had home start in the past,

its 8wks minimum and as i aint jumped infront of a train and got up and out of bed this morning i am likely to be at the bottom of the list. people who are at the top have my deepest sympathy as they must be in a much darker place then i am. sometimes i feel like i dont deserve the help as its not any one elses problem that im crazy and messed up!

i shouldnt really be complaining, im sorry. i just feel really scared for myself.

[sweetpud]

Hi there, Do you honestly feel right now that you want to give up your life? If so then please think about everything, and how will your family, friends and children will feel? Are any of them aware that you feel this way and may need their help, Would it not be kind to offer them the chance to help you.
Maybe the Samaritans could help you?
Do these feelings happen in phases of bleakness, highs and lows or has it all built up to this point?
If this gets unbearable and you need someone, You can also ring your Doctors, and they will have someone that you can talk to.
You say that you manage to get up each day and look after your children, well in my opinion that is showing that you have strength and that you can push hard and continue to get through this because though you say there are no cuddles etc, you still show love for your children in this caring way. If you were alone then maybe you would have just given up, but believe me in time, you can learn how to say you love them and how to express your feelings. If you need a friend then I'm here!

[mouses]

yes i do feel that way, ive been this way since childhood cant take much more, i thought having children would give me a meaning but its just trapped me. i thought if i get to an adult it will be better once im independant but it hasnt.

i have no friends ( well one, she in her 50's with her own troubles) i dont have much family, mum, sis and bro. they all know about my 'depression' but we dont really have that kind of relationship where i feel i can talk to them. have heart to heart etc. i did call my mum yest to say ive had enough, she said i need to be sectioned! nice!

ive ended up at my gp's so many time in a state, last time crisis was called, but they never contacted me, the access team did. (people i see yest)

it hasnt built up, when im spending uncontrollably it keeps me what i think 'happy' which im not cos i havent got the money to spend, especially when i got kids to look after. im not sure if it covers up the low spells or its always there but just creeps up on me? just dont know.

[mouses]

no child should have to witness a depressed parent. so i cover it up, get up and keep them going better they dont deserve to live in squaller. i have strenght to protect them yes. but now they will be better if their dad agree's to take them on.

[mouses]

ive said something wrong havent i?

[yellowballoons]

No you havent said anything wrong.

Maybe the other posters are busy, or dont know what else to say right now.

I have seen your name around, but may not have been on any of your posts or threads before, so ther may be a back history that I dont know about.
Am happy to be your friend by the way, just pm me when you want to.

I get confused by the whole therapy/counselling/psychiatrists/pshcologists so apologies if I dont know who does what.

[mouses]

thats very kind YB,

i know theres people in worse place then me on here and i feel guilty with my pathetic 'dont know whats wrong' depression?! probably dont even deserve any help,

just cant seem to get my head straight, today has dragged and tomorrows another day to fight through and i really am loosing the will.

i spoke to my boys today about living with their dad, one does other doesnt! now what?! split them up? i dont know im really confused.

[yellowballoons]

You sound typically depressed to me.

I think what you are looking for right now[and I am a great believer in dealing with a today problem, as opposed to a might be one day problem], is you need distractions,and venting and talking, to get you through the 8 weeks till your appointment.
Would that be a correct assessment?

[mouses]

what i need is a way out? i just feel like walking out the door! selfish i know but im really scared. 8wks is a minimum wait so could be longer. i was going to ring the samaritanwhen kids go to sleep if i cant calm down. but what can they say?

i have no one in RL to talk to, i txt my friend earlier but i think i gave her a head ache going on and being a drip! so apologised and said i'll leave her alone. i just feel like pushing every one away.

[HoopHopes]

Mouses when you say it is 8 weeks minimum then you know it is somewhere between 8-18 weeks to see a psychiatrist. Honestly. And in the NHS that is normal. If you had a physical health issue and your gp referred you to see a consultant at the hospital then you would wait 8-18 weeks, probably nearer 18!! My son had severe reflux, could not keep milk down and we struggled so much and had to wait 12 weeks to see a consultant about it. It is nothing about you, it is the NHS. I was trying to explain, although badly, that if 8 weeks wait that is good on the NHS and at worst it would be 18 weeks as now the NHS has max waiting times which is helpful. I know it feels like a long time but care is rationed on the NHS and we all have to wait. If you went private to see a psychiatrist it would cost between 170 and 250 depending on where you are and you could be seen quicker as it is with all health issue.

[HoopHopes]

Could you contact your HV and tell her that you need some help with your children as what you posted here? You feel they need cuddles and you can not do that so can you ask her if there are any support groups or parenting classes you could go to, to reassure you that you are doing a good enough job ( I use that phrase as when social services saw me they said it was all about good enough parenting!) would you consider home start again as that may help?

[HoopHopes]

Samaritans are great when no one else around. Oh I was not saying go private by the way, I could not afford to but just saying that is the on,y way to be seen quickly.

Hope tonight is a bit better. Have they looked at your medication, the gp. Possibly increasing or changing it to help?

[yellowballoons]

Yes, I would ring the samaritans if I were you.
I dont know what they will say either, but you could find it helpful.

I dont think though that mouses needs help with the children? She copes but finds it all hard going?

[HoopHopes]

It was just the fact she said she felt they should live with their dad rather than her. Sorry if I got that wrong.

[mouses]

yes it does seem a long time and i dont mean to complain about the nhs but i feel like ive run out of hope and a day seems so long let alone 8wks.

ive done parenting classes, thats all my health visitor ever put me on! plus an assertiveness course 6 classes in total.

homestart didnt help as i didnt need support with the kids or house work, i didnt feel like i needed / wanted a friend once a week, i had pnd when i had homestart and i was just numb and wanting to hide under a rock.

i think they are going to review my AD's.

[mouses]

sorry if im not wording well, my head is killing and cant think straight.

i say they should live with their dadnot because i cant cope with them or i dont love them. i just dont want them to grow up in this atmosphere where they see me crying all the time, not going out to parks or parties, i want them to have a better childhood

[yellowballoons]

You are posting well enough mouses.

I understand what you mean about waiting 8 weeks for something when you have depression.
I had depression for 3 months, about 15 years ago. And I well remember the feeling of every day being long and difficult to get through.

Would it help to have a calendar marked with the 8 week mark[yes I know it may be more] and cross off 1 day at a time?

[mouses]

im not going to count, ive actually given up the thought that i will ever be better.

i dont want to come across like an impatient, whining attention seeker, i dont think i will make it til then and im honestly scared for myself. im sitting here with images of what would be the best way out.

[HoopHopes]

I guess you could go t a and e and tell them you need to see a psychiatrist urgently as they should have access to an on call mental health team. But they vary as to who they have on, sometimes nurses, sometimes approved mental health social workers, sometimes psychiatrists. Either way it would probably only be a crisis session but maybe an option?

Totally get you about frustration of waiting. When my ds was screaming in pain, throwing up every feed, sick in the night ( oh gosh the washing, lack of sleep etc), in pain, screaming and waiting so long to see a consultant was horrendous ( had seen nurses etc but not the same as only a dr could do what we needed!!).

Can you try and think about what you can do to be kind to yourself right now? What helps you? What distracts you? Phoning for that counselling is a good option to start that process off.

[coxspippin]

dear mouses, i think i had about three more weeks to wait to see my consultant (for an arranged appointment) and my sister who works in the NHS said i needed to see any consultant very soon as i was/ am quite ill,
and that there must be some consultant who could see me quickly.
my MH nurse got an earlier appointment for next week, but then i phoned my consultant's secretary to ask be seen sooner. he was very responsive and could hear i was in a state, and said he would contact the consultant. i said please do, please do!. he rang back at midday to say she could see me thursday (this week) which was 2/ 3 days later. i went with my mum and the MH nurse and she is a caring psychiatrist and added a new medication. they have a community psychiatry team based in the same new building as my surgery. i think it was the strong suggestion of my sister and the responsiveness of the secretary that helped me get an appointment in the same (this) week.
also dear mouses some time ago when the services were located in the hospital, i saw the crisis team there, same day and he took me to see the duty psychiatrist of that day.
sorry to be so long winded or sound boasting(!), and the situation and arrangements are probably very different in your case and area. yet i hope you may see a consultant sooner and may be able to go with someone. sorry i can't be a better help- there are better posts than mine on your thread already and i hope they continue posting for you.