TTC induced depression and anxiety related to old childhood issues

[SuddenlySqueamish]

I feel like I'm being ridiculous here, getting all upset over some old childhood wounds. What a cliche. But since I decided to TTC, I've been overcome with depression, anger, and anxiety.

Long story short, my mum left my brother, sister, and I when we were young - I don't remember it all that well and my family don't really talk about it but I was around 10 years old I think. I had already lived with my grandparents since I was 5 as my mum had depression which was made worse with PND when my brother was born so I went to live with my grandparents. My brother and sister came to join me there when I was 10 because my aunt visited them one day as my mum had disappeared off the radar and found them living in absolute squalor. No food in the house (my sister later told us she ate cat food because she was so hungry) and my brother and sister were wearing dirty, too small clothes. My auntie took them there and then and they came to stay with us for a while which turned in to us staying there forever when my mum disappeared.

I don't remember much about that time, only that my brother and sister were seriously damaged. My brother more so, he was only 5 and was practically feral. Any attempt to keep him indoors resulted in him destroying the house and screaming at the top of his lungs. My sister had essentially been his mum and was so nurturing to him, I can't even explain what an amazing child she was, and person she is now. Except my grandmother who raised us bullied her constantly after she came to live with us. She would bully her over her weight, her looks, constantly made her do housework (not just getting the kids to help style but almost like the evil stepmother in Cinderella, my sister was essentially her slave), wouldn't give her any pocket money but she did me and my brother. When my sister hit puberty and started getting natural discharge (sorry, TMI) my grandmother took all her underwear out of the wash and threw them at her saying she was dirty and should be ashamed of herself. Seriously.

When I challenged her about it later, my grandmother told me that she did it for me so that I wouldn't feel pushed out by my sister. Every time my sister and I tried to bond, my grandmother would get really angry with me and say I was two faced. She was so possessive. We used to be really close when I was a child. I guess because all her kids had grown up and left home and she was going through the menopause, she saw me as a last chance to have another child.

I've kept my distance from my family since I hit 18 and left home but have built bridges with my brother and sister a little. I just want to help them in whatever way I can, I feel like it's my fault that they carried on having a terrible life when they moved in with us. And that is where this depression stems from. I haven't spoken to any of my family in the last 2 months. I just keep ignoring my gran's calls. We've never really talked about what it used to be like there because of how worked up she gets.

Now that I am TTC children myself, I just keep thinking of how these vulnerable children, our own flesh and blood, came in to our home and needed help and how all they got was constant abuse. My grandad bullied my brother too although not as bad as my sister got from my grandmother. To me, they were wonderful people who raised me and gave me everything I needed and it was all perfect but the way they treated my brother and sister when they came along was terrible. I imagine myself with a child who needs love and protection and the idea that anybody can do something so awful just makes me so sad. I want to be happy about TTC but I just feel so horrible, so guilty, so scared that with 2 generations of terrible mothers behind me I may end up being terrible too.

And I can't shake the thought of what if my mum was so depressed because my grandmother bullied her too. She had 5 kids and clearly had favourites that time around too. Was my mum bullied by her own mum? Is that why she suffered so badly from depression and had to leave?

I'm so sorry for posting this here and for it being so long. I keep trying to get counselling but I just can't bring myself to tell all this to the dr and can't help but feel like I'll have to convince them I'm suffering to get counselling and don't want to be given meds.

Writing it out helps.

I just want to cut them off right now and start again with my own little family. But I still want my brother and sister in my life and don't feel able to confront my grandparents.

I just don't know what to do. The part of my that thinks of my gran as the woman who raised me and does love her, but more from a distance, still wants her in my life. But the part of me that could never in a million years hurt a child just can't bear to talk to her right now. My sister has forgiven her though and has 2 kids of her own who she takes to visit my grandparents regularly which makes me feel like I'm being ridiculous.