Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, see our mental health web guide which can point you to expert advice.

please help, 14 year old self harming

(31 Posts)
woahthere Mon 22-Jul-13 23:58:11

and I feel utterly helpless and useless. He first did it a year ago but not too badly. I took him to see gp and we were referred. Son convinced them it was one off. About 6 weeks ago we saw he had done it again but a bit worse and then for the next 2 weeks we went through hell with him. Then he did it again but really badly...took him to see gp again begging to see somebody as it was so bad all over his torso, shoulders, legs, arms. we now have appointment but it took 4 weeks grrr. We had a great weekend with him this weekend, really fun time, he was happy, so was everybdy else...truly it was lovely. Yesterday had chill time, then barbeque etc. Last night I thought i could hear stuff going on but went in to check him and he looked asleep. Today we found he was on internet during night (he had sneaked a tablet that was hidden in a wardrobe as he's had internet usage banned when alone) and saw he'd been looked at group for self harmers with extremely disturbing images of self harm and other things too. I told him off (not about images as I didnt see these till later)because he had sneaked the tablet and been on it until 2 in the morning. He went up and i had a funny feeling. I went up and told him to get out of bathroom. He came out, I pulled up his top and he'd been cutting. Then on further inspection we saw he'd been cutting for a fwe days all over his shoulders, thighs, groin....so grotesquely, just awful. and burning himself.

Somebody please help me. I dont know what the fuck to do. He hates me. He has no reason for doing it, ie nothing has happened and I am 99% sure of this. I am fairly sure it is hormones plus personality plus being very suggestible (lots of the things he has done have happened after he has read about them or seen a documentary...the most recent trigger being the documentary called 'dont call me crazy'. The gp doesnt seem to be too alarmed and neither does his deputy head. The helplines obviously hear it all the time. I am scared to fuck he is going to get worse and really damage himself, and even if he doesnt he is going to be scarred for life and getting worse. Nobody wants to help. Me and my partner feel like we are losing the plot ourselves and are also worried about our other 2 children. I just cant believe that nobody cares that my child is hacking himself up. He is a top student, and gets on well with boys in school, but does this when hes home.

It's fantastic that he is able to talk to you about it and that he is starting to recognise signs and is able to resist. The two of you are both really strong from your last update, you will probably have a few set backs but sounds like you are making progress already. You should be proud of you both and your relationship x

tabbycat15 Fri 26-Jul-13 02:38:35

Thanks for updating. I hope all goes well with the therapist. When DS went the first appt we went in together. After that he went weekly & every now & then we went to an appt with him.

woahthere Sun 28-Jul-13 10:34:18

I asked him last night how he was feeling and he said fine, he doesn't do anything all day though. I asked if he'd wanted to do it again and he smirked and said 'well yeah, of course' which made me feel a bit cross although i dint show it.

We made him come to the garden centre as we don't want him alone and he had to push a trolley. He looked like it was the most trying thing he'd ever done. I think he is actually depressed as well as he has no get up and go at all, no desire to do anything, and anxious about the smallest of things.
I just can't believe how quickly he has become like this. I'm so angry with his Dad because the first cutting incident happened after he'd been seeing his Dad a lot more. They 'chat' about things far more deeply than I think they should.
After this his Dad told him about his Dad who had committed suicide years ago...we didn't tell him at the time as thought it would be too upsetting. I cant fathom why his Dad thought it would be a good time to tell him this, he obviously had his reasons but I think it made it worse. Yesterday my daughter told me that her Dad had told them both they probably would get depression because it runs in the family. my opinion is that maybe it does but there are other factors involved too. This quick progression in anxiety, depression, self harm I think has been triggered by all of these 'deep chats' with his Dad. My son now is being what he was told he will be. I am simplifying, and I know its not all his Dads fault, but I sure as hell think he has made it a thousand times worse. It's like his Dad wants to upset him so that then they can have a deep chat and he can be the understanding father who makes it all better...its sick. But then when things are serious and he actually does need help, he abandons him and leaves us to pick up the pieces.

Another thing is that I am worried about my partner, I think he may be traumatised by what has happened. Every time our son goes to the bathroom we are scared. my partner is now saying we can't go abroad on holiday in case our son does it again, which I'm really upset about as we work so hard all year and it is a much needed holiday. I think he is wrong but can see why he feels this way. What help can I get for him?
My heart has not stopped pounding so hard since this started, I keep getting really bad palpitations and an over awareness of my heartbeat which keeps skipping and then adding a beat, which Im sure is stress. Good for weight loss though! Every cloud eh...

Anyway, Im rambling to strangers, best get up and make something of this day. Appointment with therapist tomorrow.

HoopHopes Sun 28-Jul-13 12:42:39

Hi hope you can go on holiday. You may struggle to get health insurance for your son and although you can use an European health card it only gives you what is free for locals in the country that you visit. So if they pay so do you.

CelticGreek Fri 02-Aug-13 22:01:22

Hi, I've just joined this link as my daughter has recently started self harming; found out today, so I'm desperate for info so i can do the right thing for her.

Firstly I hope everything settles down for you and your family woahthere.

We have a very clear idea what's causing my daughter's SH. She has been suffering from anxiety for some time now and has been going through the system of GP, pediatrics to determine a physical cause of the chest pains, pediatric psychologist who made big promises to protect my daughter form the cause of her anxiety - her father - and subsequently did nothing. Social services said get a referral to camhs which is in the pipeline. Her comment having discovered her cut arm was 'well nobody can help me' is still ringing in my ears.

To end on a slightly positive note though, there was lots of advice from unquietmind july 23rd. I looked up national self harm network and there is lots of useful info there, particularly regarding do's and dont's. My concern is not to add to her anxiety whilst not tiptoeing around her too.

I'm still scared to death of what the future holds, but right now I don't feel quite so alone.

Thanks everyone for sharing xx

woahthere Sun 04-Aug-13 23:58:11

Oh I'm so sorry CelticGreek. I hope you're ok, I know it is our children we worry about, but to be honest I feel like they are being worried about so much and it is actually something that affects the whole family. Ive lost 16lbs in weight the past few weeks because my appetite has completely gone, I'm finding myself either blank or crying at people (chopping up fruit at playgroup...how embarassing) I think the truth is that I'm a bit traumatised at having found my son slashing his wrists up.

We saw somebody at CAMHS this week. It wasn't terribly groundbreaking or helpful, but we are in the system now. It will be a long term thing I know that. My son has had improved mood this week, and we've managed to get him out and actually doing things! We are being very matter of fact about things, and I think it does help to remove some of the drama and realise that, physically it is a very unappealing thing that they are doing...because it looks awful and because our natural reaction to our children being in pain is that we want it to stop. I suppose at the end of the day, a lot of people self harm in different ways...even drinking too much is self harm. We just need to find a way for them to deal with their anxieties in a better way, or less harmful way.

Does your daughter go on the internet privately a lot? If she does, just be careful what she looks at and check her search history. There are a lot of pro self harm sites and 'trigger' sites.

Try and keep calm, dont do what I did and scream and shout and slap your child round the face. (sounds like an awful thing to do, but honestly I think it was pure shock at what he'd done). I hope you get help soon, and I can really recommend reading about it a lot...it really does help, I feel like I've learned so much and can help my son more now than before.

I'm talking too much....I'm here for you, it can be hard to talk to people about so you can talk to me anytime xxxxxx

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now