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That's perhaps the easiest way to describe it. I don't know how to explain everything.
I used to be able to confide in my GP, who stupidly I am very close and very attached to. She's been off work for months ill, she might be coming back in a couple of months but no-one's sure.
I feel very lonely, my problems have not gone but instead they just bottle up inside me because I feel I've got no-one to vent to.
I'm so anxious that I feel I'm in a constant state of waiting for something awful to happen, my tummy's sore/tying itself in knots. I can feel myself going backwards to when I was severe with agoraphobia.
I don't know what to do.
I don't know who to talk to anymore, I just keep pushing everything in and not letting it out. I muttered a few things to one of the GPs at my surgery but never told her everything as it seemed pointless.
I had an OOH doctor out on Monday night, she was very nice and asked if I feel I am well supported due to the difficult circumstances I live with (I don't know how to explain), I said yes.. I don't.
I've got a psychologist who I normally see 4 weekly. Haven't seen him since the start of June and badly need to.
I don't know if I can contact NHS 24. I used to email Samaritans, with like a daily diary, but I worried they'd get fed up. Lasted for 3 weeks and they were so lovely but not sure about starting that again.
I have no friends near, I'm 22, no job, no relationship. Never had a boyfriend, never had sex. I spend every waking moment with my mother and sister. I love them, they're my best friends but I can't help feeling I'm weird.
I used to have a couple of hobbies but am losing interest in them, losing interest in socialising or moving around.
I don't know what to do or who to turn to.
I've posted on mumsnet under a few names, each time I start to become "recognised" I change my name, I don't know why..
A lot of us change our names regularly on here so become 'unknown'.
It's good you are close to mum and sister.
I think you really need to have a good chat with your GP again and write down everything bothering you before you go, there may come confidence classes or group near you worth going to, I went to one last year and it was good to see a room full of people who felt just like me.
Talk to your GP again or Samaritans if you feel low over the weekend.
The thing is, without making it a sob story,
I like my mum's company, I do, I have great fun with her, but she's disabled and getting worse I think, she has lots of chronic conditions. My sister's severely autistic. I think, if they weren't, I might not feel the need to be by their side 24/7 - literally in my mum's case, as I often feel I have to get up out of bed to check on her and all sorts.
I feel utterly helpless as there's nothing I can do to make it better.
And I'm selfish, very selfish, because I get angry at my sister for screaming and shouting all the time, and I get angry at my mum for being unwell even when it's not her fault. I'm a horrible person, I feel. I want to help them because I love them but the thing is people are always telling me to look after them, when my mum's friend came round today as she left she said "look after your mum and sister", I wanted to scream "what about me?!"
I get so angry that I feel like destroying everything I own, as it is last week I picked up a book I owned as a child and ripped it into pieces, then picked up an old cuddly toy and did the same.
I always remember the horrible things I have said and done to my mum and sister, and then I feel guilty and sad and angry with myself.
When I feel angry with myself or helpless I injure myself, although I try to hold back and prevent myself from doing it, I've got scarred arms. my surgery know and suggested I get involved with a mental health charity, they emailed a form asking me all sorts of personal questions which scared me off instantly.
I sometimes imagine that one day I'll have children, be married but I'm 22, most of the people I was friends with at school are in long term relationships, married with children, I'm feeling left behind. I sometimes think they must be better than me, no man has ever shown an interest in me.
I think I'm just feeling sorry for myself, which makes me even angrier with myself.
Worst of it is that my mum's having problems with her bladder, not managing to pass urine properly, I've got myself so so very worried that something serious is wrong and I can't distract myself even for twenty seconds. I keep talking about it, questioning her, asking about her symptoms and I know it's annoying her.
I have generalised anxiety disorder, OCD and depression, I thought I had really beaten them but they keep coming back.
You are soooooooo not selfish.
In fact, the opposite. This is too much for a 22 year old to cope with alone.
Have you even been offered practical support by anyone? The GP, relatives, neighbours, the church, anyone?
Your mum's friend saying "look after your mum and sister", is just a way of saying goodbye.
Agree that you need a good chat with the GP, and this time tell her that you are not coping.
That is not a bad thing to say by the way, it is a strong thing to tell someone that.
And dont be ashamed. As I said, it is too much for anyone to cope with alone, which is what you are doing.
GP - no support, I have the number for my own practice and someone will phone back if I ask. They know the situation but they don't really know me, not well anyway. I can talk a bit but I wouldn't feel able to open up fully. One of the GPs is seeing me at the start of August to check on things. It's strange, I am so used to being able to phone normal GP as soon as I've had a problem or feel down but I can't now.
Neighbours - I don't know them well at all, sometimes they speak and when my mum had a fit in the garden today a neighbour did come over to talk with her which was nice. I don't know how comfy I'd feel about asking them for help, I felt easier about asking for help when I was a child but that was my only option then, it's more difficult for some reason to ask for help now..
Relatives - only nearby relatives are my grandparents (both alcoholics, both elderly and ill) , would phone but their prescence tends to make things worse, if that makes sense.
Have got a bit of a relationship with the catholic church where I go to uni, was brough up catholic, one of the nuns in the uni chaplaincy offers to talk and I am slowly trying to open up to her, so that's good.
I sometimes think I am daft for not coping but I'm always sitting thinking that I don't know what to do or how to help, I just feel helpless when my mum's unwell and things, I get frightened and worried and that's no help at all
Have you tried Mind? http://www.mind.org.uk/
they can offer support and advice including local support groups.
If you really really had to ask for practical and emotional help from 3 people, who would you ask?
My mum - and if not her,
Neighbour round the corner,
Neighbour ten mins walk away,
Social work - or social work out of hours
GP surgery or NHS 24
It sounds insane saying GP but when my mum was ill in hospital a couple of years ago my GP kept me sane, she phoned daily just to check I was OK. Though they can't provide me with practical care really.
I haven't tried mind, no, will look them up and maybe give them a phone
Have had an OKish evening, NHS 24 are coming out to see her later, and have made myself a linkedin profile, passed some time.. A few facebook friends have been making them.. it acted as a sort of self esteem thing, because I was forced to write down everything I had done
I think you are as much in need of practical help, as well emotional help.
I think you would start to feel a whole lot better, if everything didnt rest on your young shoulders.
Phone mind and tell them everything.
But even if you forget stuff you can always contact then again.
Practical help. I dont know enough to advise you.
Have you been offered practical help before by an organisation, medical people, people you know?
maybe your gp can refer you to the local mh team for support?
or to a carers group?
there is one in my area that offers book groups and meet up's and lovely things like that
i'm 24 & very isolated due to my mh conditions, i desperately want children and a 'normal' life, it is hard, really hard but never unattainable.
I am sorry i don't have any better advice, it sounds really hard for you
I'm not entitled to be at all involved with any of the carers services - because I don't provide over 40 hours care a week every week or something. At the moment I do, but only until the end of the September, normally I don't if I'm at uni, it would just be care as and when I need.
Or at least that it is what I am always told, I've never felt able to go to the carer's centre myself.
It looks like I might be able to sleep a full night tonight for the first time, every night this week I have been up several times helping my mum or being ill myself and I really, really, need a full night's sleep not getting up at 2, 3 4 etc.
I self injured last night and then threw up, think it's all worry and anxiety.
I've never been offered practical help before from anyone no. I was involved with young carers as a teen but they didn't do practical stuff that I was entitled to, due to where I lived at the time. They did outings though every so often.
I will try giving mind a phone definitely.
I don't know what there is really in the way of mental health care up here. I'm within 30 miles of psychiatric hospital but that's only for pre-arranged appointments and emergencies, I'm not sure what else they do. No-one's ever told me. When my GP fell ill she obviously had to leave urgently, I was told nothing about what to do in her absence for support because she hoped then to be back within 4 weeks.
I've tried talking to the surgery, GP 1 was terrible. GP 2 was OK but she's off for another fortnight on holiday. GP 3 was very nice, but I don't know if she'd be willing to talk on the phone about "non medical" stuff.. or maybe this is medical?
My mum's in A&E just now being catheterised due to a UTI or something, she's going to be home soon and then I might ask if I can take the dog out for a walk.
I frighten myself when I go out alone though, I have stupid intrusive thoughts. I know they're only thoughts much like if you go to a high place and have an urge to chuck your purse over the side but it worries me.
You know what I would like? Just 24 hours of no worries, no illness, no caring, just having fun with my mum.
A few years ago we used to go out every Saturday together, every Wednesday together and go round the shops, for long walks, up and down the beach..
I can't remember the last time we went out and there wasn't a problem.
But in saying all that, I am trying to have fun, I have been tracing my family tree for a couple of years and have recently made contact with family in Canada that we didn't know existed. That's been nice.
Go to GP3. Book a double appointment.
Write a list of the things suggested on here, so that you go into the appointment prepared about what you want to say or ask.
If you get stuck, give her the list.
You could also print out this and show the GP. Others on here do that.
Yes will definitely do that.
Spoke to my Gran just now, started to talk to her about things other than my mum. I said I was talking to my cousin in Canada - she instantly said 'oh right, thought you would talk to me about your mother? Aren't you concerned? Don't you care then?'
So thats put me down, instantly, felt so stupid and like a deflated balloon.
Good about the appointment. After I posted that, I thought I may have seemed a bit bossy
Like you say, I dont think your grandparents are very much help to you.
She is probably worried about her, but it sounds like they have never been ideal grandparents for you, which is a big shame.
I don't know if I can cope any more at all. I keep getting horrible images in my head and thoughts that are frightening me. I need to scream and scream and scream - all I want to destroy everything I own, I can't calm down I can't think straight I keep going so tense that my chest hurts and it becomes hard to take a full breath in. So I keep forcing myself to take a full breath, over and over until I'm dizzy and my mouth is dry. I'm a horrible horrible wicked person, in response yo my gran's comments I have been trying to care more but that annoys my mum until she screams anf sweara at me. My periods are due, II've got period pain already, thoughts are racing and jumbled up or they go too slow and hard to tell what they are. I've hurt myself again, my hand arm are bruised, my legs cut
I think you would benefit hugely from going on the stately homes thread? have you seen it. I will find it for you if you dont know what I am talking about.
You will be able to see that it is your gran's behaviour that is wrong, not yours.
Seriously, listen to your mum, not your gran. That is hard for me to post, so it must difficult in the extreme for you.
People coming up to a period can have a horrid time.
But do you think you need to go and see someone now about what you aer doing and feeling? I dont know enough about this it advise you who.
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