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intrusive thoughts? somethings gone in my head today

(101 Posts)
holstenlips Wed 10-Jul-13 21:35:44

Been under pressure general life and work stuff for weeks
Slowly building up and last few days im really struggling
Took yesterday off work. Went in today and spent most of it crying at my desk. At points today nearly walked out of work. I called gp but no appts.
I have thoughts popping in my head . Suicidal / self harm thoughts. Im scared I will act on them. Dont think I will but at times they seem overwhelming.
Distraction (with work or listening to music for example) helps a bit. Kids have kept me busy this evening.
Part of me wants help. Part of me wants to lose the plot.
Intrusive thoughts ? Where are these from?

StickEmUp Wed 10-Jul-13 22:02:25

Hello,

Try the GP again, it does sound like talking to a Dr would be a good idea.

Listen to the part that wants to help.

Me, lose the plot, I never had it! No one does.
We can only do our best with the hand we are dealt.

I am sure you do this.

Kids kept you busy! See, something is going very right smile.

holstenlips Wed 10-Jul-13 22:05:13

Thanks Stickem. My kids are wonderful.

StickEmUp Wed 10-Jul-13 22:10:59

See! So, how about trying the docs again tomorrow.
What do they say, about no appts? you'll have to wait a bit, right?

So, make it then try and get through the work day as best you can.
I know how you feel, I'm an alcoholic and that brings it's issues.
I'm sober.

It can feel spiralling out of control but take as much as you can til the appt and tell the doc all about it.

I've had councelling twice in my life, it did help, maybe that would be an option.

Is there anyone else you can confide in til then, as well?

Also, keep posting here too.
I'm going to bed in a bit but I'll come back.

x

holstenlips Wed 10-Jul-13 22:15:36

Thank you I really appreciate it . Doc said call tomorrow and they will try fit me in .
Trouble is working full time and hard to get out.
I just feel like a waste of space tonight but no thoughts like I had earlier. Was thinking of jumping out the window at work how ridiculous.
Luckily ive exhausted myself today with these thoughts so I shall go to bed x

StickEmUp Wed 10-Jul-13 22:21:20

Not ridiculous. It's normal in the mental health world.

Also, you are NOT a waste of space.
I'm not infertile per se but conceiving is hard for me.

I believe every human who is born is meant for the world and not a waste.
It's about what we do with it, how we react to things and trying to give something back as well as take.

Your a mother, you already do this in a profound way.
I truly believe this. It's my way of thinking, not everyones.

decaffwithcream Wed 10-Jul-13 22:25:12

If you feel the need to be seen more urgently its always an option to go to A and E and tell them you are having suicidal thoughts.

They are used to that.

Or the Samaritans are good even just for a non- judgemental listening ear

HoopHopes Wed 10-Jul-13 23:14:09

If you can't see a gp and it is urgent just phone the out of hours number after your gp practise closes. Much better than a&e and you get a booked time slot instead of wasting 4 hours waiting to see a nurse etc at a&e.

holstenlips Wed 10-Jul-13 23:16:34

Thank you all. My head hurts so much im going to try to sleep. I feel quite scared. But I wont do anything bad tonight. See how I feel in the morning have googled some stuff on mind website.

holstenlips Wed 10-Jul-13 23:19:51

Feel utterly disgusting . I hope I can get dressed and out tomorrow it was a job this morning. You are all so kind. Thank you.

holstenlips Thu 11-Jul-13 12:38:11

In work . Crying again. Wishing I was dead. How do I get through this ? I cant leave my kids I know that.

StickEmUp Thu 11-Jul-13 12:44:25

Hi again

You will get through this, but I will say at my low point I was told by the doctor that you can phone in sick with mental health issues, all that needs to be said is I feel tearful and unable to work.

Is there HR you can talk to?

Did you try the docs again?
I'm working too will try to drop in later.

Your saying this out loud, yes on here but better than in your head.

The part which wants help is stronger.

How long has this been going on for you?
Can you pin point a time when it got worse, and see what's going on for you then?

These things a doc will ask I imagine.
I hope you get that appt.

holstenlips Thu 11-Jul-13 14:38:59

Ive told my boss in an email and gone home. Will see doc in morning and go from there. Thank you for replying.

StickEmUp Thu 11-Jul-13 15:04:10

Well done. Sometimes trying to hold it all up while your feeling bad makes it worse.
Sometimes we do need to be open and ask for what we need.

Good for you. These are the first steps, it doesn't feel like it now but you'll see soon.

Good luck for tomorrow.

holstenlips Sun 14-Jul-13 11:31:05

Just to update. Took friday off saw doctor in the after noon by which time I had a meltdown .
In public.
Anyway gp very nice. Has referred me to mental health team. And given me some mood stabilisers for the meantime signed off work.
Thank you

SnowyMouse Sun 14-Jul-13 11:47:24

I'm glad you're getting the support you need.

holstenlips Sun 14-Jul-13 12:05:16

Thanks snowy

holstenlips Sun 14-Jul-13 12:07:34

I feel like I dont belong in my body / dont recognise myself/ am invisible . Is this normal? Ive also lost my confidence. Cant be around people except my kids and dp.
What if I never get it back?

MrsFTHC Tue 16-Jul-13 08:04:41

Hi, you will get it back, please try not to worry. Have yougot an appointment with the mental health team already or are you waiting for them to contact you?

holstenlips Tue 16-Jul-13 09:15:29

Hi Mrs thank you for responding. Yes my gp said she wants me to be seen by a week or so . Im waiting for them to call. I feel a shadow of my former self.
Im taking lamotrigine which gp prescribed.
I have good and bad parts of the day. Mid morning is the worst. Im signed off work for 2 weeks but feel maybe im making this all up and should go to work - that sounds crazy doesnt it.
I wish I knew who I was but I dont. Feel like ive been living someone elses life for 20 years.

holstenlips Fri 19-Jul-13 10:45:16

Still havent been contacted by m/h team. Have decided that I want to change my job its too stressful .

StickEmUp Fri 19-Jul-13 15:05:39

I'm back, hello.

Glad you updated I was worried.

This will take some time to happen for you, look what you have so far!! GP, MH team, some meds for you.

Be proud of these first few steps!!
I'm proud of you anyway grin

Chase up the GP on mental health team.

Give the surgery a call now?

holstenlips Fri 19-Jul-13 15:21:17

Hi so nice of you to come back
Called gp they said its def been referred as urgent so I will just need to wait for a call
Im off work anyway, signed off and couldnt go in if I tried. Wouldnt last 5 mins. In fact I think I need to change my job. (Eventually)
Thank you so much x

StickEmUp Fri 19-Jul-13 17:54:23

If I were you I wouldn't worry about the job stuff. You've been signed off so it's not a problem. For now.

Glad you had the strength to chase the MHT up. It's reassuring to know your still on the list, even though it takes some time.

This is the first stage in the process, opening up to the GP.

Which is a miracle in itself! You've done it!! 'this is me, I need help'. The scary bit over.

Now you can take some time for yourself. You never know what will be around the corner, no one does.

But opening up to help I feel the major bit, and it's done.

What are you up to in the mean time?

As well as making sure your safe, I find it helps to get out of yourself somehow.

Can you take a walk with the kids, or chill in the garden while they dig for worms?

I'm not a mother so I might be barking up the wrong tree here (don't laugh smile) but I find doing something nice and easy with others helps.

Self esteem grows by doing esteemable things.
Xx

holstenlips Sat 20-Jul-13 10:38:25

Got a letter from mental health team. Appt for end of august. How the hell am I going to continue til then
My kids want to go swimming but I cant get out of the house

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