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Post Natal Anxiety/Name remorse

(61 Posts)
prolificnamechanger Wed 10-Jul-13 09:39:29

Hi everyone

First time I've posted in this topic although I've posted a lot on the baby names section...

It feels so trivial but at the same time this is taking over my life. I really regret DD's name and my worries over it invade almost my every thought. I wake up fretting about it, sometimes in tears. It's my last thought at night. I will be playing with my DD or cuddling her and there are the thoughts, eating away at me. It's ruining everything.

I've always been a worrier and the sort of person who goes over things after the event to see if I could have done things 'better'.

There are several reasons why I regret DD's quite unusual name - but mainly it's because I'm worried she'll get bullied for it (posts on the baby name threads on this site have fed this fear, by the way).

I have also got very jittery about other things - worrying that some awful accident will happen to her or that DH and I will be killed and leave her orphaned. the other night, I was watching Countryfile of all things - a nice, non controversial programme - when suddenly I was having awful thoughts of us all dying. And thinking, 'Why is no one else worrying about their own deaths and that we're all going to die?' I feel so afraid all the time.

I've been referred for counselling but I just find that I spend the whole sessions going over and over things and crying - and I don't really feel I'm moving forward.

I spoke to my HV about it yesterday and of course ended up in tears - she was very nice but asked me to to make an appointment with the GP. The receptionist was quite sniffy with me when I made the appointment and told me I couldn't see the doctor until next week. This receptionist is rude to everyone - before all this, I would just have rolled my eyes at her rudeness and not let it bother me. But I felt crushed and walked away feeling like a total horrible, weak failure and rubbish mum and human being.

One thing that I am not worrying about is DD's wellbeing. She is such a happy baby and I don't let her see that I am worrying or upset. She has only see me cry a couple of times and didn't really understand as she's only 15 months.

Sorry for the long ramble but I just wanted to see if anyone else had experienced anything similar. I feel so silly and can't really express it to my family and friends - they think I'm being totally melodramatic to 'not like' DD's name. I feel guilty because, you know, there are wars and famines going on and I'm worrying about this.

I have got quite good at painting on a happy face and pretending to be ok when I'm with other people.

But my worries over her name and that she'll be bullied for it are crippling me. I can't see how I'll ever get back to normal life with all this worry and fear hanging over me.

Thank you in advance for any advice. I actually feel better having got all this out.

prolificnamechanger Wed 10-Jul-13 11:34:01

Thank you. I just want to say that I am sitting here crying (in a good way). It is such a relief to hear all this, I can't tell you. I am going to try and see the doctor sooner and see if I can sort this all out. Will look for that book too, sheila. Thank you everyone.

HumphreyCobbler Wed 10-Jul-13 11:35:15

Oh you poor thing. It sounds so stressful. I think you need some help from your GP, glad you are going. I know what it is like to have obsessive and circular thoughts, it is so draining.

FWIW I think your dd has a fab name. I have just put her nickname into the babyname tool and it has steadily GAINED in popularity over the last 15 years.

I hid the babyname threads, they can be really harsh.

spiderlight Wed 10-Jul-13 11:35:19

Marianne is a gorgeous name! And there are lots of ways she can shorten it if she chooses to. Until I saw it on MN I'd never heard anyone calling girls' bits a Minnie. I know all too well what anxiety does once you've got something in your head though.

I hope you get to se your GP sooner. The thought of medication is scary, but they can make so much difference. They take a little while to kick in, but then they can give you the little push you need to turn things around and start seeing it all more positively. You needn't be on them long-term but they really can be lifesavers in terms of getting you out of a hole and moving forwards again.

flowers

HumphreyCobbler Wed 10-Jul-13 11:43:30

I agree spiderlight -it is such a relief when those thought processes stop.

LieweHeksie Wed 10-Jul-13 11:45:34

I was totally expecting you to say her name was something really horrendous smile

Marianne/Minnie is beautiful. Really beautiful.

She can lose the nn as she gets older if she wants to. And most teenagers I know seem to choose a new nn at some point any way regardless of what their parents had chosen for them.

Marianne is beautiful (did I say that already?..)

JackNoneReacher Wed 10-Jul-13 11:46:43

I have quite a lot more to say but just want to mark my place for later and quickly add that I know someone with this name and she's never been bullied. I believe that if you're going to be bullied, the bully will find a reason - hair, name, appearance something. I think your general anxiety is just manifesting itself worrying about this. (sorry for the pop psychology this is just an opinion I'm not qualified in this area).

Lots of people have been through what you're describing and come out the other side.

I think you're describing 'intrusive thoughts' - google it. Most people have them to some extent. It helps to know this and normalise it a bit. I find they get worse during times of stress.

JackNoneReacher Wed 10-Jul-13 11:47:46

And don't believe everything you read on here!

quietlysuggests Wed 10-Jul-13 11:48:01

For me the medications worked within days. I then realised how brave I had been struggling on for so many months, because you know what, life isn't supposed to be that hard!
Go to GP, take antidepressants, feel better.

(I love both names and think that whole "name as slang for a body part thing" is only on MN. Are no boys called Richard and referred to as dick?)

kizzie Wed 10-Jul-13 11:58:41

Ive known two Mariannes - both lovely - its a gorgeous name.
fwiw one of them them known as Marianne or Annie. The other as Marianne or Mari [Maaaa-ri]

Its the post natal anxiety making you fixate on it. Exactly the same happened to me (although opposite issue - I was worried name was too common hmm)

Hope the dr is supportive - if not see a different one till you get the right help flowers

fourpaws Wed 10-Jul-13 12:46:47

Hi namechanger - oh I do sympathise with you. Of course your daughter's name is fabulous (graceful and distinctive without being weird - perfect!) - but hearing that doesn't always help with these cruel obsessions, does it? Take if from me I have totally been there, in my case I convinced myself I had harmed my DD when she was younger, though GP etc insisted I had done nothing wrong. Round and round and round and round and round in my head it went. I ended up loathing myself. I needed help!

I found a counsellor who among other things taught me CBT which I think is really helpful (though it takes a while, it isn't instant) - write down your dreadful fear, then challenge it with something more rational. Bit by bit it does help bring you back to a saner place, at least for a while, then just keep doing it again. And at the same time, I have been on sertraline for just over 4 weeks now, and though it was pretty grim to begin with (for me, I felt made things worse to begin with, if anything - ugh - but it takes everyone differently) I really think it has helped me get back on an even keel.

You CAN get out of that awful place. I do recommend the CBT because I think its always going to be helpful to me when the next terrifying worry or dark thought comes up, and the next. I use it most days for something or another, I amazed how much I have got in the habit of searching for problems ("scanning" they call it).

My GP recommended the anxiety chapter in a book called "manage your mind" which lists 13 distorted ways you tend to look at things when you are anxious - quite helpful to spot yourself doing them - I do almost all of them (catastrophising, black-and-white thinking, taking the blame - yep, I'm an expert!) . Also "Overcoming Anxiety" gives tips on this, its a "book on prescription" in most libraries.

And last of all I like the free stress and relaxation podcasts on the Mental Health Foundation website, I've got a couple of them on my ipod - they only take about 1/4 of an hour, and are quite good if you find yourself getting wound up.

Good luck. Do go and ask for some help, I'm so glad I did.

WouldBeHarrietVane Wed 10-Jul-13 13:05:54

Oh and I know someone with this name who was stunning, chilled and generally very well liked. This alleged nn connection is just rubbish - ignore.

Beautiful, beautiful name smile

Stripedmum Wed 10-Jul-13 13:13:55

Oh God. I've been through postnatal anxiety hell. It's not a nice place. In fact it's a living hell. My obsession was that I didn't love my son 'enough'. It invaded every thought, coloured every nice moment as you describe.

Now. I have tried a lot of bloody things. It's two years on and I now have a DD. Things are still up and down but nowhere NEAR as bad as they were.

You need to accept that the problem is not the name. You have anxiety. Everytime you feel not right, irrational etc it's anxiety. Anxiety. Anxiety. Anxiety. That is all.

THE most helpful thing for me has been to firstly write down all of my 'symptoms' - eg. Worrying about going mad, worrying about feeling confused, etc. Then every day I track how anxious I'm feeling. So 0 - 10. Record your results for a few days until you can internalise it.

You will then see that your anxiety goes up and down - and when you feel really bad you can float through it, knowing it will reduce again. I think you seem to post when it reaches a fever pitch and so that would be a '10'. However when you are relaxing at night it could be a '2'. It's important you keep the diary all day as evidence that it's not continuous, which is how it seems when you're in a state.

Hope that makes sense. Good luck.

MarnieMadden Wed 10-Jul-13 13:15:48

Marianne is a lovely name, reminds me of Marianne Dashwood from Sense and Sensibility! Its a lovely feminine name.

Stripedmum Wed 10-Jul-13 13:18:31

Fab post fourpaws. 'Challenging' thoughts is something else I've found extremely helpful.

I should add OP the diary initially should be hour by hour. flowers

peachypips Wed 10-Jul-13 14:06:14

I had Marianne as one of my girls names but never got to use it. As said before, it is unusual and beautiful but not trying too hard.

LemonPeculiarJones Wed 10-Jul-13 15:55:07

Hey OP,

I'm pg with a boy but had he been a girl she would have been Marianne. I adore that name - so beautiful and also very cool.

A friend of a friend is called Marianne and is a really beautiful, poised, creative woman.

Love Minnie as a nn too. Totally gorgeous.

smile

prolificnamechanger Thu 11-Jul-13 08:07:19

Thank you everyone. I've woken up feeling that today is a good day. Your messages have helped more than I can say.

I'm going to try the diary idea and ask GP about CBT, as well as looking at the books and website mentioned. Lots to keep busy with!

Thanks again.

fourpaws Thu 11-Jul-13 09:41:31

Hi prolific! Glad today looks brighter, lovely to hear that :-)

prolificnamechanger Sat 20-Jul-13 10:26:33

Hello again, everyone.

I was hoping to have got a handle on this thing. But I had a major blip yesterday. It culminated in me crying on the train on the way home from work (no one could see - I was squashed into a corner, facing a door and was doing that whole silent crying thing).

Then I sobbed on DM when I got home - she was over because she was minding DD while I worked.

It's the first time she's seen me like this. She was shocked but amazing and really understanding. I felt embarrassed to have let my guard down as I've only really told DH and counsellor how I feel. I felt guilty for laying it all on her. But in a way I think it's better that it's out in the open.

It just really shocked me that it came out of nowhere. What happened was I bumped into someone I hadn't seen for a while and he asked DD's name. When I told him, he sort of chuckled. He is a chuckly sort of person, if that makes sense, and I'm sure he didn't mean anything by it. But of course it was like a punch in the stomach to me. I walked away from our conversation and just broke down. All at once I felt panicky, hot, sweaty and like a black cloud had descended on me. As though I would never feel better again. As though I've failed at everything. Given my daughter a terrible name. Most of all, I felt like a a terrible mother.

I even felt like I'd rather not be here because I can't deal with this anymore. I would never do anything to hurt myself and would never want to leave DD but I felt as though carrying on like this was just too hard.

I told DM all this because I am tired of keeping it all to myself. She thinks I'm depressed but I don't think that I can be because some days, I feel fine. This gloom and despondency just seems to come when I least expect it.

I'm ok today but feeling quite drained by it all.

Since my last post, the GP has referred me for CBT therapy and has prescribed Lustral. But I haven't started taking it because I'm nervous about the effects when you're breastfeeding. I told the GP I was still feeding DD and she said it was safe but, after reading the warnings on the box, I'm nervous.

But I think I need something because I can't carry on like this. Has anyone else taken Lustral when breastfeeding?

It has now got to the point with this that DH has agreed to let me change DD's name if I really want to. But the only name I'd want to call her is her middle name. Because although I can't seem to accept her first name, I don't want to give her a completely new name because it would seem unfair - to her and to everyone else who loves her name.

God, I am sick of all of this. I just want to be happy again. Sorry for the ramble. Just easier to get it all out on here.

Thanks for reading if you've got to the end of this...

beakysmum Sat 20-Jul-13 10:45:34

Poor you. Ive had PND/ anxiety and its awful.

I'd say don't make any changes including DD name (lovely btw) while you're feeling like this. Get meds and then decide in a few weeks time. I didn't take meds untilDS was 6m cos of worries about the brbreastfeeding. But I wish now I'd done it sooner, meds helped me so much. Remember, it's very difficult for docs to test meds on pregnant/ breastfeeding women so it's very difficult for them to give a guarantee. But IME benefits outweigh any risks.

Hope that helps. Thinking of you x

buildingmycorestrength Sat 20-Jul-13 11:49:24

Hiya, I think Marianne is a lovely name... smile

I had a traumatic birth with my first, and chose his name in a hurry straight after because I thought I was going to die. I was really wobbly and funny about his name for ages...sometimes I couldn't remember it, in fact! It always made me very emotional and I'd wonder whether I'd chosen a bad name for him and so on.

Having treatment for post-traumatic stress disorder helped me so much. It is more than just counselling, and was totally transformative. Obviously I don't know if you had any trauma at all, but just bear it in mind as something to think about.

prolificnamechanger Sat 20-Jul-13 12:11:35

Thanks, both of you. Really appreciate you replying.

Yes, it was quite traumatic - she was back to back and got stuck but for various reasons, I was left pushing for three hours - sometimes without a midwife there, only DH. It was very frightening. I honestly thought I was going to die (although I am sure lots of women feel like that during labour - afterwards I was embarrassed by how much of a fuss I made but I did honestly think they were going to leave me on that table to die).

She ended up being a ventouse delivery and was quite badly bruised. I had quite a few stitches and also damaged my back in the delivery and was in pain for months.

She also had feeding problems which made the first weeks very hard and stressful.

I don't think I was thinking straight when we chose her name. DH really loved it and I went along with it a bit.

My worries over it were pushed to the back of my mind because of all this. It was only when it came to registering her that I realised how unsure I was.

And from then on, it's become an obsession that I can't shake.

prolificnamechanger Sat 20-Jul-13 12:16:47

In a way, I feel like changing her name would be a fresh start so I could do things better, somehow. Even though I know that's not really possible...

Whiteshoes Sat 20-Jul-13 12:39:16

Oh bless you. There is nothing like a baby to make you anxious. I was very anxious about my little one when she was tiny. I remember telling a quite hard-faced paediatrician, expecting her to shout at me for being so silly, and to my surprise she said it was completely normal to respond to a vulnerable newborn with anxiety!
However, there is no need for it to destroy your peace of mind. I cannot recommend CBT enough, and I'm so glad you're going to get this. Fantastic and good for you for being strong enough to go to your GP to get it and medication. Well done! The really strong people go and get help.
As for the name, I utterly love Marianne, and actually wish I had chosen this (or, the related, Mary) as the full version of my baby's name, so she had something longer to choose. I think Marianne is so beautiful. (I am an ex-goth, and can recommend Marianne by the Sisters of the Mercy to make you feel the romance of the name!)
What about swopping the nickname as that's the thing you don't seem to like? My little girl is May, which was the nickname of my grandmother, who was properly Mary, but never used it. May is a much more obvious shortening of Marianne than Minnie in my view. (Sighs at idea of having a Marianne of my own... She would be tall and have long dark hair and appear to know things the rest of us don't.) Or even Mary, which I also love? They are essentially the same name, and it's a cute, old-fashioned name which I think works as a shortening/different version of Marianne. My May has ended up with loads of nicknames which she answers to by accident. They include Maisy (not even a shortening and not a name I particularly liked before!), Maisy-Poo-Poo (yes! I've used it in public. Bad stares off the other mums), Bertie (and I wonder why people think she's a boy) and on and on. So there's loads of scope to develop nicknames and drop them and swap them as they get older. I'm obviously not planning on her filling out her UCAS form with Maisy-Poo-Poo...

buildingmycorestrength Sat 20-Jul-13 12:43:18

I think it is worth exploring the traumatic birth thing a bit more with a therapist. I will pm you my recovery story if you want...it is not about the details of the birth so shouldn't be too triggering for you, but might help you to see how things can improve. Pop me a pm if you would like that and I'll do it next time I am on my laptop. grin

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