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Mumsnet hasn't checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you have medical concerns, please seek medical attention.

Mental health

I want to take my own life

22 replies

Khaleasy · 08/07/2013 21:00

Desperately.

I can't admit this to anyone in RL because they will think I'm mad. The people close to me know that I've got depression and I'm going to the doctors tomorrow because they want me to but I have never told them how desperate I am to die.
I fantasise about it.
A lot of my major depressive episodes are caused by this frustration that I can't do it (because of family).

I can't tell OH because he panics. He told me the other day that he's worried to get too close to me in case I do it. I stopped trying to talk to him about it after that.

I'm sorry to post something so dark, and I'm sure no one cares, but it feels such a release to final say it "out loud".

OP posts:

Report

mooseisabunny · 08/07/2013 21:12

Hi

You sound like you are in a difficult place right now. Please contact www.samaritans.org/ it was best thing I ever did xx

fluffydressinggown · 08/07/2013 22:14

Good for you for seeing your GP tomorrow, will you be able to be honest? The more honest you are the more help you will get.

Do you think you are a risk to yourself? If you feel unsafe you can go to A&E for immediate support.

ginhag · 08/07/2013 22:18

People DO care. Even random strangers on t'internet.

Try to be as honest as you can with your gp, and yes talk to the Samaritans....you can be honest in a way you may not feel able with those who know you.

It is possible to feel differently, even if it doesn't seem so right now.

xxxp

lu9months · 08/07/2013 22:18

please admit these feelings to your doctor tomorrow. you may not feel you will ever feel different, but believe me, if you can get help, you may one day be so pleased you did not do this. I so hope you get the help you need urgently. it is ok to admit these feelings.

TheDoctrineOfAllan · 08/07/2013 22:21

If it's easier to call the Samaritans, the national number is 0845 790 9090

elastamum · 08/07/2013 22:27

I care and so do your family and friends. They just dont know how to help you. You are not mad, but you are unwell. My DS has suffered from depresssion and it is really, really awful.

Do you feel safe from harm? If you dont feel safe now please ring samaritans or go to A & E. You are unwell, but help is out there and you will get better.

Please see your GP in the morning and tell them how you really feel.

Well done for posting - the first step to recovery is to tell people how you are feeling

sooperdooper · 08/07/2013 22:27

Please tell the doctor tomorrow how you're feeling, be completely honest with them and they will help you

Khaleasy · 09/07/2013 12:44

Really really don't want to talk to the Samaritans. I feel stupid about it and melodramatic.

Just come back from the doctors with a months worth of Fluoxetine (20mg) and a promise of counselling probably within a few weeks.

Not been to this doctors before and he was very young and attractive - felt like a complete twat and didn't explain myself well at all. Was probably in there for about 3 mins.

Thank you all for your messages.

OP posts:

elastamum · 09/07/2013 12:50

Well done for going. Talking about something do personal is not easy. The fluoxetine will help, but it can take a couple of weeks to really work.

Hang in there. You will get better

ginhag · 09/07/2013 17:23

There is nothing melodramatic in trying to help yourself get better you know. Sometimes just being able to talk, without worrying how it will affect the person you are talking to, can be really helpful.

Well done for talking to your doctor though, that was brave and a very positive step. Keep going xx

TheDoctrineOfAllan · 09/07/2013 22:10

You can talk to the Samaritans about anything. Don't feel your problem is "too small" for them or anything. They really want to be there for you. It doesn't have to be about suicide or self harm xx

ophelia275 · 10/07/2013 08:49

Is there any reason why you feel this way (specific events/situations) or do you think your depression is a chemical imbalance in your brain?

I would say that if you are depressed because of things that have happened/are happening in your life and you feel you can't cope, there are lots of things you can do to help yourself, such as taking medication, talk therapy and other types of therapies but the first step is talking to your GP.

If you feel unwell and the depression is all consuming (and you don't think it has been caused by a specific event/situation) then you may have a chemical imbalance in your brain which means you do not naturally produce enough of the neurotransmitters such as seratonin which alleviate depression. This can also be treated via medication, talk therapy, alternative therapies etc.

Can you elaborate on how you are feeling and if you think there is a root cause or when you started to feel like this?

I am sorry you are feeling so bad. I do know how it feels.

Khaleasy · 10/07/2013 16:45

The chemical imbalance thing seems the most likely. My life has actually improved quite dramatically over the past 3 years. I've always been prone to depression (had it severely as a teen) but the last 18 months or so I've gone really downhill, taking my relationship down with me I fear.
OH is being as supportive as he can.

I just feel very very hopeless, deep down I know nothing is worth it.

OP posts:

Badvoc · 10/07/2013 19:11

This is the illness talking op.
And people do care.
All of us for a start.
Phone the Samaritans. You can talk about anything.

ophelia275 · 11/07/2013 10:13

Depression is such a catch-22 in my experience because the more depressed you feel, the more hopeless you feel and the more you see things through distorted eyes and that makes everything much worse and it is so hard to pull yourself out of it when you are in the depths of it and can't see a light at the end of the tunnel. I think taking medication can be a big help because it lifts you to a level where you can start to see things more clearly and objectively and from there you can help yourself up more. There are literally hundreds of different treatments for depression so if what the doctor has given you doesn't work there are others. Big hugs OP. I hope the medication helps.

Khaleasy · 11/07/2013 15:16

My Mum has given me Omega 3 oil tablets too, the mega big ones (1300mg) that look like suppositories. I've been taking those for about a week now and they may have taken the edge off a little bit. I got excited about the idea of going on holiday next year, not for long, a few seconds but hopefully thats a start.

OP posts:

Khaleasy · 11/07/2013 15:22

I meant to say as well - thank you all for your support and taking a few minutes out of your days to message me

OP posts:

ginhag · 11/07/2013 21:31

Hello Khaleasy. How are you doing today?

Yes a flash of positive thought (no matter how brief) is a good thing, hang on to that. And if you are suffering because of a chemical imbalance then hopefully the meds will start helping that.

Again, well done for keeping on keeping on when it is feeling so tough. It's brave y'know xx

ginhag · 12/07/2013 21:09

Just checking in to see if you're around. I'll try to keep popping by xx

Khaleasy · 13/07/2013 00:42

Hi Gin,

I'm feeling better today thank you. My OH accidentally said something that made me feel crap, before it would have pushed me into despair but today it didn't bother me so much, I dealt with it quite effectively in my head.
The omega 3 seems to have taken the edge of things a bit.

Thank you for checking in. x

OP posts:

ginhag · 13/07/2013 12:41

Hey well done Khaleasy. Every small step helps get you where you're trying to go...

Bakingnovice · 13/07/2013 12:53

Khaleasy you'd be surprised if you knew how many others have felt just like you do. Take small steps each day. Find out what is making you feel like this, if you can try to find the root then perhaps you can understand how to deal with it. Did something happen in your teens that triggered depression?

It took me years and years to realise my childhood affected me so badly.

If you can try and go for a short walk today. The only only thing that lifts my low mood is exercise. I simply cannot recommend it enough. How are you feeling today?

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