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Ashamed to be here

(125 Posts)
GracieLoo Sat 29-Jun-13 21:19:29

I wanted my previous thread to be deleted but for some reason it wasn't, however i'm feeling like I need to just get all this out somewhere. It's taken a lot of guts to post again, all my confidence has gone today for some reason.

I don't even know what to say now, but I am frustrated that I am not getting anywhere. I am regarding therapy and appts, but not mentally. The past few years have been up and down, up and down. The downs are getting worse and more often, the ups are happening less. Always been told therapy is what I need, but my unhelpful cpn said I won't get it while i'm tearful. I have an appt for it in a couple of weeks though.

Social services are now involved, anxiety is through the roof. I don't trust anyone anymore, feel I have no one I can be totally honest with, and I know i'm sinking again. The down periods are taking over, with no explanations. I have been looking for jobs, seeing friends, doing a lot with dd, but that's when I realise no matter what I do, this bpd is always going to be lingering, taking over, until I can take it no more.

I was really struggling a couple of months ago, but at least I was more open then, and able to ask for help. I feel I can't now, I clam up, I feel vulnerable and paranoid. Even in my garden earlier I feel like people are watching me.

I don't want to sound like i'm repeating myself, but I feel like i'm waiting for the right time to end it, it's what keeps me going if that makes sense.

cjel Fri 05-Jul-13 18:55:41

who would you like to reach out to? what is stopping you? You are not a failure Gracie just struggling with bad health at the moment. You will be well again and may get better sooner if you reach for help way before you get to the end of your tether. you may be able to see it as normal then and not a fail?

cjel Fri 05-Jul-13 22:29:28

Gracie, Hope you are ok? I have to get some sleep now but will be back in the morning.

GracieLoo Sat 06-Jul-13 10:44:13

I feel ill physically and mentally, but got too much on this week, if I can get through this week and make it until next weekend when I'll be on my own.

cjel Sat 06-Jul-13 17:11:14

If you make it through this week and make it till next weekend you will also have got another week nearer being wellxx

GracieLoo Sun 07-Jul-13 08:11:34

Had enough of all this, I am not enjoying life at the moment, dd is winding me up constantly. I can't be a mum anymore. I can't do anything right. Got a day with the family today, these days usually end up really stressful and i'm dreading it. I just want this to be over. I'm struggling but don't know what to do, i'm supposedly getting all the 'support' so I should be doing ok.

I have been having all these sudden plans, I have been thinking what a good idea it would be to have another baby, as then I wouldn't feel guilty about dd being on her own. My 'ex' has been asking to come round so this plan could happen, but people would hate me and i'd lose friends and respect. But I think it would be the right thing, i've always wanted more. He might stick by me and I could have a proper family for the first time ever. And everyone would be happy. I don't sleep around, not at all, just want to feel wanted.

But I know these plans are ridiculous as i'm also having thoughts that I really don't want to be here, feeling detached from reality and thinking of ways out constantly and thinking what a relief it would be. Nothing makes sense.

I know i'm going to be judged, but I can't be this honest anywhere else. Starting to cry now but it hurts more to cry.

cjel Sun 07-Jul-13 10:10:47

Plans for the future are never ridiculoussmile mine used to be house hunting on line for a little place to live for just me and not the whole family, completely unrealistic but it meant that i didn't feel trapped and that there was a different way to live.
You must be shattered trying to hang on all the time, i think you are amazing going to family things and looking after dd so well. I know you don't think you are and it is normal when we are tired and run down to get fed up with having to look after someone else when all we want to do is crawl under the duvet, so well done for doing it every day.flowers
It is really really hard to see there will ever be 'normal' life when you are so ill and help isn't instant, all i can keep saying to you is that it really can get better there are thousands of us who have been through trials like youra snd are blossoming out the other end.
I hope you can enjoy some sunshine today and have times when you are not struggling.xx

GracieLoo Sun 07-Jul-13 10:38:51

I don't think I should be considering more children, having a partner or anything, as I know I won't be here as I can't cope with what I've got now. I don't know what I'm doing, managed to stop crying before it got bad but I just don't feel like smiling anymore. Everyone is living the weather and going on about how happy they are. Wish there was a mn cafe/pub I go could to when I want to escape from everything else.

cjel Sun 07-Jul-13 12:52:19

that sounds fantastic a mn cafe/pub. I didn't mean you should actually have the baby , but that the idea of some sort of future that is different to how you live now is a good thing to hang on to. Have you started to journal all your thoughts? its good to have a time and place to cry and a family 'do' isn't ideal so well done for controlling them , it must be hard.
Hope you can appreciate the lovely weather this afternoon and get abreak from thinking.xxx

yamsareyammy Sun 07-Jul-13 12:55:32

A mn cafe/pub sounds like a lovely idea.smile

Glad you feel able to be honest and open on here.

Is your therapy assessment appointment end of next week?

GracieLoo Sun 07-Jul-13 17:20:08

Think I ruined today. I always do. My misery just rubs off on others, that's another reason I'm right in what I want to do.

Think my assessment is next week, hardly care any more. Why am I so horrible? Everyone is enjoying themselves, I just get stressed.

cjel Sun 07-Jul-13 18:50:50

Woah you are not horrible at all in no way, shape or form.what happened to make you think that? You are a lovely person who just isn't very well at the moment.Its hare if you feel eerything is your fault, but you are not responsible for other peoples moods, they can choose whether or not they are happy.
You get stressed because you aren't well, when you are well you won't get stressed.
What day is your assessment

yamsareyammy Sun 07-Jul-13 19:39:38

My guess is that you did not ruin today, and people were glad to see you.

Please dont miss the assessment. I think it is very important for you.

fwiw, I think, and I could be wrong, that the hot weather doesnt necessarily help some people that have mental health problems. It seems to highlight them.

GracieLoo Mon 08-Jul-13 08:44:56

I can't carry on like this, waking up wishing I hadn't, dreading the day, sitting like a zombie unable to get ready. My minds racing with stuff I should be doing with dd, she's going to fall behind because I don't do enough with her. Planned to go to childrens centre, but she's refusing to go, then ss will have a go at me as they want me to keep going.

Assessment is next mon.

yamsareyammy Mon 08-Jul-13 09:46:05

1 more week.

Can someone else take her to the children's centre today?

cjel Mon 08-Jul-13 14:58:51

I don't know much about medication Gracie but if you are feeling zombie like is you meds making you feel like that can you change to a different sort?

GracieLoo Mon 08-Jul-13 20:01:53

I took her to the cc, but felt guilty about it. No one else would have taken her. I don't think it's the meds, it's not that kind of zombiefied feeling, more of a 'what's the point' and ' I can't think what I need to do' kind of feeling.

I'm starting to realise this is not going to go away that easily, I've tried most things over the past few years, but for some reason, things have got gradually worse. Maybe because I am starting to forget any other life I used to have. I feel there really is only one way out of this, and I've got to accept that it will happen one day. Finding myself planning things more and more, earlier I was teaching dd what to do if there was ever an emergency, ie phone 999, make sure she knows her address etc. Not that I would ever do anything when she was here, but just incase an 'accident' happened, as I feel my thoughts are becoming more out of control, and thoughts of hanging are increasing. (sorry sad, hate putting stuff like that, don't want to offend/upset/annoy).

yamsareyammy Mon 08-Jul-13 20:10:50

Are you getting scared about the appointment next monday?

cjel Mon 08-Jul-13 20:19:40

Don't worry about me. I told you before I won't be upset by anything you say here.
You are having a struggle at the moment gracie and it is hard for me to feel that i can't help you as i'd like to but i'm not upset.
Itsalways good to plan for emergencies , it isn't going away easily at the moment but whenyou get the help you need you will turn the corner and find there are days when you don't struggle so much.
Like Yams said is there anything in particular that you are worried about for your assessment, could you be afraid that you are beyond help?

GracieLoo Mon 08-Jul-13 21:36:16

Haven't really thought about the appt, but I know i'm beyond help. Been trying to distract but ended up internet shopping and buying stuff to make me happy, didn't work.

Want to do something quite badly, but feel confused. Got ss appt tomorrow, not looking forward to that. Feel people are reading this that know me so think I should stop but I don't want to, just want everyone to go away.

cjel Mon 08-Jul-13 21:39:50

you are not beyond help you just haven't sourced the right help yet.Do you want me to go away?

GracieLoo Mon 08-Jul-13 21:53:57

No, I don't mean anyone who has been lovely and supportive, I think I mean all my paranoid thoughts, and everyone in rl who just misunderstand me or are making things harder. Sorry I don't know what i'm on about. Just upsetting people all the time.

cjel Mon 08-Jul-13 22:02:30

haven't upset me I just didn't want to be a pain if i was irritating yousmile your posts are making sense!! I think its those horrid paranoid thoughts that don't. being not heard and misunderstood in RL is hard but don't give up one day Gracie will win through and the world will take notice!! I heard a quote recently which was something along the lines of ' when you live as the person you should be you will set the world ablaze'
I would like to say to you don't let the b.... get you down.

yamsareyammy Mon 08-Jul-13 22:02:30

You are not upsetting anyone on here.
<hugs gracieLoo>

SugarandSpice126 Mon 08-Jul-13 23:15:51

I know thinking that this won't easily go away is really hard, but it's actually probably a more realistic and safer way of thinking about it. Thinking that you should just snap out of it easily is not the reality for you or anyone with MH problems - it's a long, tough road, and it can take a long time to work through everything and get to a good place, but that doesn't mean it's not achievable. It's a case of taking each day at a time, doing it bit by bit, and trying as hard as you can to fight it. You're already doing all this, and you can keep doing it... The fact that you are still really struggling does not mean that you are beyond help, it just literally means that things are still hard. The fact that you are still here and still trying as hard as you can for you and dd is actually a sign that you can do this. The fact that you're here and you're posting and trying to get help is the clearest sign that you could ever give that you don't really want to give up, even if you feel you do.

Nothing at all is set in stone and nothing is inevitable. I know from your perspective, because you can't see the end and can't imagine what feeling 'better' would be like, you can't see how it will ever happen. But that is actually a fairly rational thought - once you feel something/experience something for long enough, you lose sight of what things were before and what they could be. But what that actually is is a feeling that things won't better. Your feelings then cloud the reality, because feelings are often all you have to go on, but your feelings aren't a reliable indicator of how things could be.

Have you ever looked up depression success stories online? There are so many of them, and they're so inspiring. If you're interested, I'll have a proper look for some good ones. I'm happy to do this myself, as I can avoid the ones that might be too triggering.

Maybe tomorrow morning (before meeting) try and ground yourself in reality. You haven't upset any of us, nor your family, nor your friends. They may have got frustrated that they don't seem to be able to help, but if they are good people, as I'm sure they are, then all they care about is helping you get better. You're not doing anything wrong.

And keep posting here as much as you want, and we'll reply as often as you'd like.

yamsareyammy Tue 09-Jul-13 12:26:06

Good post SugarandSpice126

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