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dont want to do this any more but its so hard

(27 Posts)
mouses Wed 26-Jun-13 16:10:06

i dont want to feel so messed up and confused, i dont want to be that person relying on pills to keep me from loosing it. i hate depression, anxiety what ever the hell is wrong.

im here for my kids, that it. i dont want to hurt them but im hurting so bad. i cant think straight, every day is a blur.

sometimes i smile and laugh. sometimes im jumping around with so much energy, other days i cant but have to move and get stuff done.

ive just came home from a place i have to go each week to help me look at going back to work, I heard volunteer in a social enviornment, bus, go here, group there... i fogged over i couldnt hear her, my heart was going fast, i felt giddy and my head went funny. my eyes welled up but didnt want to cry.

now im home with racing thoughts, how will i cope, i cant remember most of the things she said, said i have to get out, do social things to get over social anxiety. if it was so easy! ...

mentioned something about an organisation called mind - some one coming with me, then, this person that organisation!

im so scared, i just want to be 'ok' and not have to be surrounded by health people to make me better it just reminds me of not being well.

im terrifide of having to see the psychiatrist - felt relieved at 1st but now i dont. just want to run away.

MadBusLady Wed 26-Jun-13 20:44:55

Hello mouses, I hope you're still reading/lurking.

I'm sorry you felt rubbish after your appointment. It sounds like perhaps you are being pushed a bit too fast. You WILL be ok, you WILL make progress, but taking on too much too soon is not good for anxiety. Perhaps you are doing a very good impression of being cool and together!

I think you need to tell the psychiatrist some of this when you see them. They are going to be carefully listening to what you say. They will not want you to feel hurried and over-stressed, that is the last thing that should happen to people in the grip of anxiety and depression. They will be able to review your treatment programme in the light of what you say. Mention the racing thoughts, because that sounds like maybe your meds needs to be upped a bit?

This is Mind's website, if that helps? They have some good general advice (under "How we can help") though it won't be as detailed as what you can get from your psychiatrist, and an information helpline number at the top of the page.

Hope you're having a calmer evening now. smile

LEMisdisappointed Wed 26-Jun-13 20:48:08

Mouses <<hugs>> its hard - but you sound like a brilliant mum and your children do indeed need you. Can i point you to a thread on here - its our village, many of us supporting each other with mental health issues.

mouses Wed 26-Jun-13 21:19:03

im trying so hard to not have bad thoughts for my kids sake. minutes seem like hours and i do nothing but think about how im coping, what i can do, how alone i am, just thoughts. so many thoughts.

i hate it, i cant take it every day but i cant bear to think how devestated the kids will be. im trapped. i dont want to be here.

cant handle the up / down moods, not knowing one minute to the next how im going to be.

i dont want to go to this weekly course but i have to, they dont understand me, think im another work dodger? trying to get sympathy? im not i cant face it all. she said it cant be to severe anxiety cos i came to the class! and i go out?! she hasnt got a clue!

i got home and felt theres no way out of the mental torment im going through and no one understands me. sometimes when im feeling better, i worry people might think i was putting it on but im not, i worry worry worry, listen to me im crazy!

mouses Wed 26-Jun-13 21:20:24

lem i have seen the village thread but i dont want to poison it with my presence

LEMisdisappointed Wed 26-Jun-13 21:29:19

Ah, bullshit - I have had a bad week, that thread got me through it. Come on over, its a lovely supportive place. Lots of different problems, most of us have some form of anxiety. There is no judging - please just come and say hello. I will look out for you - if you WANT to.

Are you on any medication? i am. Have you had counselling, can you tell me what the course is about? Are you in the grip of a panic attack just now?

MadBusLady Wed 26-Jun-13 21:29:59

Oh no, you're not going to one of those horrible back to work programmes, or an assessment for work? sad No wonder you feel rubbish, they make non-depressed people anxious.

Please talk to your psychiatrist asap, you really shouldn't be dealing with all that crap right now.

mouses Wed 26-Jun-13 21:49:05

thats kind, thanks. im on fluoxetine, didnt get to cbt last yr - to much of a mess. im awaiting psych assessment. sounds lovely eh!

the course is meant to be 'confidence' class getting ready to go back to work. ive been a mum for 12 yrs and my youngest goes to school next yr so have to find work. had problems since childhood and has got worse over time but they looking at previous jobs and say 'i had to be confident to do that' etc.... but i was better then!

lem im tearful right now but in the room im not sure if id not held it together it would of led to a panic attack? i was so scared of passing out and my DD seeing it. i tried my damn hardest to hold it together.

LEMisdisappointed Wed 26-Jun-13 21:59:04

I totally understand. I am really struggling with confidence re going to work - its got to the point where i can't even look for a job. Its hard enough being a returner to work but having an anxiety disorder it is a nightmare. I understand.

Its GOOD that you are going to get a psych assesment, that means that they will be able to ensure you are on the right medication for you and offer you a type of counselling that will work for you.

I totally get what you mean about the confidence, ive had high pressure jobs and im highly qualified, but right now i dont even have the confidence for a cleaning job, its who i am now. But i do hang on to the fact that I did those things before and will be able to do them again - if i lose sight of that then i may as well give up.

What would you like to do when you go back to work?

LEMisdisappointed Wed 26-Jun-13 22:05:10

I am going to go to bed now - im knackered, will look in on you tomorrow, meantime have another browse around the village eh? I bet if you read through you will find someone with similar issues xx We have good days and we encourage each other but are there with hugs and support when we have bad days.

mouses Wed 26-Jun-13 22:07:50

lem, i cant see me being able to do those things again - ive lost sight of it and i do feel like giving up. the previous job were only a few months at a time so not like years worth of experience and i only did them cos a job was needed. i was younger (pre kids!)

i dont know what id like to do, i hate everything, ive got no interest, if i dont like it, i fear it, im a lost cause!

CamelBalls Wed 26-Jun-13 23:28:05

Just wanted to pop in to see how you are doing tonight?

mouses Thu 27-Jun-13 10:12:08

sorry camel i didnt see your post last night, i went to bed.

today i woke up with a head ache and a head full of confused thoughts. guess its another day to wish away. x

LEMisdisappointed Thu 27-Jun-13 10:15:30

You are so not a lost cause mouses - really! Its funny because last week was bad for me and i sat and said those very same thing to my counseller, its not for me, im useless, i wont ever work again etc etc. I said, thats it, imgivingup! It wasn't really until tuesday that i thought, fuck, if i give up this is my life, this is IT for the next thirty years and i can't do it. So it left me with a stark choice to make. Im fighting back - its so hard, im very much in fake it til you make it land just now and although im doing things im not getting much out of them - but i have to believe i will. Come on, i'll hold your hand, we'll do it together. Over in the village we sometimes list the things we do, even things as seemingly trivial as doing the washing up can be an achievement and are recognised as such.

LEMisdisappointed Thu 27-Jun-13 10:18:26

mouses im not going to let you hve another wasted day - where do you live? do you live in a town, village, city? Stick some clothes on, go for a walk, half an hour - do it for me? I have told myself im going to take my dogs out this morning - poor bastards are victim to my anxiety too - i am really having to force myself. Where would you walk if you did go? im lucky, i have the beach

mouses Thu 27-Jun-13 10:26:52

i have those days when i think im not going to let it beat me, then by evening im a wreck! or id be upbeat for a day or two then it will hit like a tonne of bricks.

i will walk the dog soon, i just need a cuppa to get me going. had to sit in a hall full of mums at 9am this morning. (sons taster day at secondary school) awful! like sardines in a tin!

LEMisdisappointed Thu 27-Jun-13 10:33:33

yes, that sounds like my idea of hell too! I can't do school mums at the best of time, those sort of events make my skin crawl! Ive just had my cuppa and my buscuits so im going to bite the bullet. I never thought just walking the dogs would be a fecking expedition but there you are, it is, for now. Its not my fault - im not well, but im going to get better - and so are you x

mouses Thu 27-Jun-13 10:41:02

i dont mind walking the dog, get DD out and me away from peppa pig in the background!

cant quite see that i'll get better feel so deep in the hole. but im trying.

LEMisdisappointed Thu 27-Jun-13 10:46:12

You are trying and that is enough, for now smile And yes, pepper pig, ugghhhh

CamelBalls Fri 28-Jun-13 01:22:32

How was your walk?

I quite enjoy peppa pig but I'm sure I don't watch it as much as you all do as I'm not a mum!

Keep going and remember that we are listening and here to hand hold smile

mouses Fri 28-Jun-13 09:54:40

thanks camel,

walk yesterday was ok, went to the park (just few minutes away) DD was doing her thing, dog chasing bees. felt quite zombied and 'cant be bothered mode' but still went, dog needed walking DD needs fresh air.

x

CamelBalls Sat 29-Jun-13 00:50:27

I read it as your daughter was chasing bee's! Glad it was your dog and not her!
Well done on getting out and fresh air for the three of you smile

Do you have anything nice planned over the weekend?

Just had a quick scroll though your post but can't see how old your children are (your diet post says kids so assuming you have more then one) maybe tomorrow night you can have a duvet evening all snuggled together and watch a film with popcorn?

Be kind to yourself, it's so easy to forgot when we are putting everyone else before us xx

mouses Sat 29-Jun-13 09:55:32

nothing planned over the weekend, usual housework and dog walking.

my kids are 11, 8 and 3. diet post?
id love to think we can all snuggle under a duvet and watch a film but my kids aint really cuddly, my fault as i find it hard to. my DD is but in a smothering way.

thanks for putting up with my whining!

CamelBalls Sat 29-Jun-13 10:43:52

I meant original post - not diet post!
No idea how iPhone changed that!

Nice ages of your children - I'm a nanny so work with different ages of children and can never work out which is the best age! You may find giving them lots of cuddles hard,but I'm sure they know you love them so very much smile

I love the under of snuggling under a duvet but it never happens with children I look after (too young) and my god daughter is too excitable when I see her (don't see her often) one day!

No worries at all - sometimes it helps to talk about the small stuff rather then thinking of the big stuff smile

mouses Sat 29-Jun-13 13:00:51

maybe one day when i beat this depression/anxiety. will be something to aim for.

by then they will probably think im acting weird hugging them?

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