Does anyone else experience overwhelming anxiety about their teen?

[MaryRose]

Just want to tell someone how awful I feel really. This has been going on about a year since my dd (12) had some friendship problems at school. Just typical pre teen girls stuff really, she got through and was ok and seemed to be more settled when she started secondary.But she's had a few ups and downs, fallouts etc, though she does seem to have quite a few nice friends. She does enjoy her own company and likes to be at home but I worry that means sometimes she ends up being left out. The problem is not so much her as me. I am incredibly anxious about all aspects of her friendships and social life and have been for the past year. I read her texts, I check Facebook constantly to make sure no one is picking on her, I question her all the time! I feel sick and nervous about her. Today a friend was meant to come and sleep but says she can't as she is grounded, dd is upset about this and now I am anxious and upset that the friend is lying and just doesn't like my daughter etc. I do know how stupid this all sounds! I have two other children and don't feel this level of anxiety about them, it is all connected to dd1. I tend to think she is like me and I was bullied and left out at school a bit so maybe that is aggravating it. I worry she is lonely and depressed. Feel so low, someone please help me?

[Slothlorien]

Was just going to ask u what your teen years were like.
I have very similar feelings with my 13 yo dd. the best ways I've found to cope with the worry is to talk about it with other people who u respect and admire, listen to what they say. Keep telling yourself that she's not u! She's a lot more supported and strong. A different person living a different live to your experiences. Keep communication open with her. You are not alone. It's part of being a loving mum. Especially with all the shit stuff in the news. U want to protect but not scare and smother. Very difficult balance. If its any help tho, I was dreading my dd being a teen so much, though fear, that I actually hadn't realised all the good stuff. I'm enjoying her company so much and really want to be there for her. Won't be long and life will have changed all over again.

[MaryRose]

My teen years were tricky at times but probably no more so than others. I can remember being alone at lunch time once and watching my 'friends' walk off into the distance leaving me alone! Dd is a really intelligent girl and we never have problems at school etc, when I've asked her she says there is virtually no bullying at school. But she can be moody and when she is I go into panic about what might be wrong which makeshift worse!!! She's tentatively arranged to go out with friends next Friday ans I'm already in a panic that it will fall through and she will be upset :( I know it is mainly me with the issue but she has had some crap friends who have treated her badly and can't bear the thought of her being hurt again. She seems to have plenty of friends at school but out of school she rarely initiates things, I don't know if that is because she is shy,(she is) or feels left out or if she is just more content at home. When I'm feeling anxious about her it really is overwhelming, I feel drained, I can't do anything but worry about it. My dh tries to understand but I know he just finds me irritating :(

[MaryRose]

Slothlorien thank you for your kind words. She is good company, there is plenty of good stuff you are right. Bloody Facebook doesn't help with everyone being in your face about how much fin they are having all the time! The thing is when I get anxious about her I sink into a low mood and really don't feel like I am much use as a mum to her, just worrying unproductively :(

[Slothlorien]

Yes fb is an irresistible mine field for teens. But people only put the good stuff on and often it is the most insecure who need to constantly reaffirm how popular, funny, interesting they are! Your dd will need to learn this like the rest of us. Fb is such a massive part of the culture now for teens, but it can't be denied, they have to learn ways to negotiate it.
Re friendships it's often so up and down for teenage girls. Mine was devastated a couple of weeks ago from not being invited to something, then this week she's thoughtlessly left another girl out of something!
Sounds like u need to do something fun with your dd, just to lift your spirits and feel that she is going ok.

[Slothlorien]

I mean doing ok, not going !

[Slothlorien]

Ha! And I don't mean negotiate fb, I mean navigate ! Brain doesn't work!

[MaryRose]

Thanks Slothlorien.I just can't beat to see her unhappy, even for a minute.I know that's stupid and unrealistic. Dh has just got home and we discussed maybe me being depressed and needing help. I did see the GP once before and he scored me for anxiety and depression but said I didn't seem to need meds. But he did say I should go back if things don't improve so I don't know I certainly am nit being a good mum when I feel like this

[Slothlorien]

Go to docs and explain how u feel honestly. No shame in being depressed or needing extra help. I've been on meds for years. It's like I'm treading water and just get exhausted, but the meds give me a platform to rest my feet on and I can cope with life so much better. U won't always feel like this.

[MaryRose]

Thank you :) parenting teens is hard,I almost miss the toddler days! On the plus side dd's friend has been able to come after all so at least one of us is happy and I can reassure myself my fears WERE just me being anxious!

[Slothlorien]

Good. Look after u. I've got teenager toddler combo here. Exhausted !

[MaryRose]

Blimey, good luck ;-)