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Contemplating suicide

(993 Posts)
BengalTiger Sat 11-May-13 02:44:02

I know this site is for parents, and i'm nothing close to a parent (I'm 16) but I'm in a situation that very much involves the subject of parenting. So I thought with this being a site for parents, maybe I can get some insight.

I'm a lad and I don't know how to tell my mum that I'm constantly fantasising about suicide. My relationship with my mum is pretty complex. I'm biracial (she's white and my dad was black) and my parents split up when I was 6. Well my mum ran off to say the truth. My dad raised me but he died in January.

After not hearing from my mum for 8 years, she finally got in contact with me and my dad when I was 14. He didn't want anything to do with her but he said she was my mother and I should hear her out. I did. She was married and really wealthy. I wouldn't say I and my dad lived in poverty but we never had all that much either. It's weird cause I've never been angry at my mother for leaving me and my dad. She said she was really sorry for everything and I forgave her.

In the last 2 years we saw each other and went out and that. My dad died from a heart attack so now I live with my mum and her husband. In the last 3 months I've been overwhelmed with thoughts of suicide. My mum has been wonderful to me but unlike with my dad, I can't talk to her about really personal things.

And the truth is that ever since I was really young I've always been a self-loathing person. I don't know why. I just am. I don't have friends really. I prefer to stay on my own (somthing my mum doesn't understand) and most of the times I daydream, pretending that I'm a different person.

I just don't know how to tell her all of this stuff. I find it difficult to open up to anyone. I could only tell my dad about the most personal things in my life. Now that he's gone and I don't have anyone to tell.

I've been looking up suicide methods online and I'm constantly thinking about my death. I have some rope that I intend to hang myself with. But last night I came across a story about a mother who lost her son to suicide and I cried cause the whole thing basically destroyed her.

I don't really want to put my mum through that, but then again, life at the moment feels like hell. Waking up in the morning is terrible - the only respite I get is when I sleep. When there's nothing for me to think about. And that's why death is so alluring.

i don't know what to do.

BengalTiger Fri 16-Aug-13 01:38:44

Lin - I've tried to get well but I don't get nowhere.

mummylin Fri 16-Aug-13 01:42:40

But you have to give it time * bt* it could take months but you have to be getting the correct help. But how ever long it takes it will be worth it for you to be well and living the live you should be having and deserve. Look how happy you were when you asked your friend to go out, you were really lifted. That's how you will feel all the time when you are well

mummylin Fri 16-Aug-13 01:45:40

But when you see a counsellor for a couple of hours or whatever it is. You won't walk out of there well just after a few times . You have to be patient and eventually you will start to notice a difference.the mind is very complex and needs a lot to untangle it . But the right people can do this for you

BengalTiger Fri 16-Aug-13 01:52:06

What about the people that never get better? It happens sometimes.

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered Fri 16-Aug-13 01:52:31

Exactly.
All of that.
What lin said, she is spot on.

BT I have to go to bed now.
Half of me would like to give you a good shake, and the other half would like to give you a big hug.

Consider yourself shaken and hugged!

mummylin Fri 16-Aug-13 01:56:24

You can't be worrying about all the other people. You just have to concentrate on your own well being.before you started on this bad period in your .life what did you want to do ?

BengalTiger Fri 16-Aug-13 02:02:11

BBB- goodnight and sleep well.

Lin - I wanted to either be a fighter pilot or write. Don't really have the desire for it anymore though.

I'm gonna tell my mum tomorrow (or later today) that I'm not going to sixth form. At this point I don't even care about my GCSE results.

I know I'm hopeless and I know it must be frustrating for you and others but thank you for all the support you've given me for a long time. You and others on here are amazing people.

I'm off now. Hope you have a good night and sleep well.

mummylin Fri 16-Aug-13 02:04:44

You can be that fighter pilot BT goodnight. Take care x

working9while5 Fri 16-Aug-13 02:07:14

I haven't read your whole thread BT but I remember being where you are at your age and I thank God I never went through with it. I've had hard times since but made wonderful friends, travelled, fallen in love and had two small boys who are absolutely the apples of my eye, my pride and joy. You write well, you are clearly intelligent. You're just suffering.

I will read your thread tomorrow when I can keep my eyes open. Hang in there Chuck x

mummylin Fri 16-Aug-13 02:07:55

Bye the way BT this thread will soon be full . You need to start a new one and tell us where you are

I'm going to repost what I said back in May BT

^Something that helped me was understanding that depression works a bit like a spiral. You spiral down, faster and faster as the momentum grows until you are spinning tightly locked in the hell-place and everything is hell. It is all unbearable. When you start to come out of it - with help- you can still feel like you are trapped in the spiral. Because you keep turning round and returning to the pain and darkness over and over so you think you are not getting better. But what you start to see is that you spend longer and longer periods where you are not in as much pain and the crucifying bits are shorter and less intense.

It is frightening when it gets better for a bit and then goes back to being awful again. You think, oh no, I'm going back into it, this is too much to cope with, it's not working. A sudden violent stop to it all feels like the only way to stop the momentum.

But that is not true.
The voice can be countered.
Writing a diary helps you see that there is a pattern, that there are days and times when it is not unbearable and that is what you get help to build on.

The part of you that writes,that dreams of flying and a family, that is the real voice, the real you. It is there. It is being shouted down but it is there. Please don't silence it.
Stay and hold on^

You have a depressive illness at the moment AND you are grieving AND your whole life has been turned upside down. You are recovering from a virus, have just sat exams and are at an age when your body and mind are under heavy stress as your hormones surge and your body develops into an adult male.

You have SO much going on, and the first three things are body blows. Not fall-down- get-up blows; the equivalent of a car accident that smashes both legs and your pelvis and ruptures your spleen. It is not realistic to assume recovery will take weeks nor that the pain will ease in months.

Would you expect a person with those severe injuries to run with a bunch of other people his age for a bus? No, you'd expect him to wear plaster casts, have physio and pain relief, take help and time to heal, learn to walk again. Then run.

You'd not be surprised if he was sick of the pain, the not being able to do things easily, frustrated, furious, angry and sad, felt like giving up.

You'd say to him: hang in there. You will walk and run and dance, just give it the time it needs and let the pros help you, take time to heal, you can't mend broken bones after a smash by hating them.

A psychic wound is a wound like a bleeding wound.
A devastating blow need not crush bones; it can also crush your spirit.

The body heals.
The mind heals.
The pain goes.
Light returns after darkness.
You just have to hold on.

I think this too: one day your child will look at you with your father's eyes.

And your child may read the words your father spoke in a book you wrote.

And you will cry with relief that you held on this night and the nights to come.

Openyourheart Fri 16-Aug-13 10:39:30

This is a great song by REM http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iCQ0vDAbF7s

I think you are right to some extent - life could be seen as pointless. We all die and get forgotten. Life is a journey through time. We can try to make it good by doing things that we enjoy and positively enhancing other beings lives or we can make it really bad by giving up. If you give up on everything your life will be truly rubbish. Your choice.

Openyourheart Fri 16-Aug-13 10:40:09

www.youtube.com/watch?v=iCQ0vDAbF7s

Sorry, forgot to make link clickable

CatsAndTheirPizza Fri 16-Aug-13 16:53:48

BT A lot of people on your thread have said that they were suicidal at your age and they are so pleased they didn't do anything, or weren't successful. They would have also felt like you do now. You can, and you will, beat this. In fact, you are beating it; I think the rest of us can see a huge improvement in you and the gaps between your depressive episodes is getting longer. You've only been on here 12 weeks and there has been a huge change.

I'm going to go against the grain here and say that I think you need to focus on getting better and not worry about the future. You are bright, you are talented, you can reach your dreams when you are better. Have things to strive for if you want them and can face them, but you don't need to worry about A levels, degree, mortgages and grandchildren! Just concentrate on the here and now.

Your life seems pointless at the moment but your depression isn't letting you enjoy life yet. Give it time.

BengalTiger Fri 16-Aug-13 18:01:58

@openyourheart - I guess it depends on someone's beliefs really. If someone believes in God then I guess they see a higher purpose for life. But I don't. I believe when we die that's it. It'll be just like before we were born. And that makes me think that when you really think about it what is the point? I mean I'm nothing. I'm a little grain of sand on a beach that's filled with millions of them. No one will notice if one grain of sand goes missing. And in the scheme of things, that's the same with me and the universe and what life is all about. That's just the way I see it.

P.S. Very nice song. Thank you.

@TD and 9 while 5 - You brought tears to my eyes cause I just can't picture all that. Thinking about myself in 10 or 20 years' time seems impossible. Like a few people have said, they felt the same way when they were my age and got through it. And that's great. But not everyone is able to pull through and I feel like I'm one of those people. I've tried and tried and tried but I end up at square one. Every time. I've gotten to the point that trying feels pointless because I know the outcome.

CP - There really ain't much for the here and now. You know the thing that I can say that at least I'm looking forward to atm? A bloody videogame that's yet to come out. Fiction made out of digital pixels. Something that's not even rea

BengalTiger Fri 16-Aug-13 18:22:53

http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/feeling_depressed/1828949-Contemplating-suicide-continued

Here's my new thread.

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