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Contemplating suicide

(993 Posts)
BengalTiger Sat 11-May-13 02:44:02

I know this site is for parents, and i'm nothing close to a parent (I'm 16) but I'm in a situation that very much involves the subject of parenting. So I thought with this being a site for parents, maybe I can get some insight.

I'm a lad and I don't know how to tell my mum that I'm constantly fantasising about suicide. My relationship with my mum is pretty complex. I'm biracial (she's white and my dad was black) and my parents split up when I was 6. Well my mum ran off to say the truth. My dad raised me but he died in January.

After not hearing from my mum for 8 years, she finally got in contact with me and my dad when I was 14. He didn't want anything to do with her but he said she was my mother and I should hear her out. I did. She was married and really wealthy. I wouldn't say I and my dad lived in poverty but we never had all that much either. It's weird cause I've never been angry at my mother for leaving me and my dad. She said she was really sorry for everything and I forgave her.

In the last 2 years we saw each other and went out and that. My dad died from a heart attack so now I live with my mum and her husband. In the last 3 months I've been overwhelmed with thoughts of suicide. My mum has been wonderful to me but unlike with my dad, I can't talk to her about really personal things.

And the truth is that ever since I was really young I've always been a self-loathing person. I don't know why. I just am. I don't have friends really. I prefer to stay on my own (somthing my mum doesn't understand) and most of the times I daydream, pretending that I'm a different person.

I just don't know how to tell her all of this stuff. I find it difficult to open up to anyone. I could only tell my dad about the most personal things in my life. Now that he's gone and I don't have anyone to tell.

I've been looking up suicide methods online and I'm constantly thinking about my death. I have some rope that I intend to hang myself with. But last night I came across a story about a mother who lost her son to suicide and I cried cause the whole thing basically destroyed her.

I don't really want to put my mum through that, but then again, life at the moment feels like hell. Waking up in the morning is terrible - the only respite I get is when I sleep. When there's nothing for me to think about. And that's why death is so alluring.

i don't know what to do.

Apileofballyhoo Sat 27-Jul-13 22:24:19

I am on my phone now so it's hard to write a long post - but I started off writing to my Dad by telling him that I loved him and that loads of what I would see as my good qualities were down to him and the values he showed me, and that I was very grateful for those things. I suppose I was saying I love you and you did a lot of good things but I am angry and hurt because you also let me down, but I was specific about things.

I am a parent now myself and I try hard to be a good parent. But I find myself apologising a lot because I do make mistakes. My DS is only 5. I would be so proud of him if he can write like you when he is 16.

BengalTiger Sat 27-Jul-13 22:25:21

Thanks for all the advice tonight. Appreciate it. I'm gonna go now. Gonna watch "World at War" in bed. Have a good night everyone. Thanks again.

cjel Sat 27-Jul-13 22:25:59

I think that would really be hard to understand too, sounds almost as if you think its unforgivable?
may be good idea just to get paper and pen and see what comes out? you can always shred it.

Hope your visit goes well with girlfriend tomorrow.
I have to go to bed now. I have 3 grandchildren staying over tonight and they are 7, 3 and 20months and tend to get up early. I've never had the three of them overnight before and am shattered just doing the teatime/bedtime routine.x

mummylin Sat 27-Jul-13 22:32:19

Goodnight BT have a good time tomorrow

cjel good luck it's hard isn't it. I remember when I had my three GC too. It was a nightmare !

Apileofballyhoo Sat 27-Jul-13 22:36:31

Yeah Bengal, my Dad did write back to me and I have that letter. I've just started to cry because it was all so emotional and to be honest he was so bad at being a parent when I needed him I kind of thought he didn't love me at all - but he did and I didn't realise until he wrote back to me. I was afraid he would be angry with me and get defensive. I know it's an enormous risk to take. I wish I could hold your hand. My boyfriend at the time was reasonably supportive but he didn't really get it either - he was quite detached from his parents. (Or pretending to be!)

Apileofballyhoo Sat 27-Jul-13 22:42:03

Hope you enjoy the film and get a good night's sleep and have a good time tomorrow. You could always ask your Mum to write back. There is no law that says all communication has to be done by speech. Though if your Mum isn't as articulate as you with writing it might be harder to judge the tone of her letter.

Bengal I'm really sorry you have been having such a tough time and I'm really sorry your Dad died. He sounds really cool. You've painted quite a picture actually.

whethergirl Sun 28-Jul-13 00:32:51

Hey BT, I'm sorry for how you're feeling at the moment, but to be honest, how you're feeling about your mum now - angry, wanting answers - is progress. Of course you want to know, you have every right! And you have every right to feel very very angry about this. This doesn't detract at all from the good parts/feelings of your relationship now.

Your posts resonated with me a lot, for different reasons. Here are just a few:

I had a lot of anger towards my mum. My parents divorced when I was 10 and I went to live with my dad. I did see my mum, but I was still angry with her for not wanting me and my sister to live with her.

When I was 17 I tried to commit suicide (you're right, over dosing is not as easy as one would think!). I'm 40 now. I wish the world was as concious about mental health then as it is now, it would have saved me many years of suffering. I currently take a low dose of ADs as well as doing other things to help my state of mind. Although I still struggle at times, I kind of know what to do about it now, I've learnt to ignore the thoughts that make me feel worse. Most of the time, I am really happy and live life to the full. If I had a time machine, I would go back in time, give my 17 year old self a big hug (freaky!), and I would reassure myself that life will get better, and not to end my life - that would be the wrong choice to make.

I have an 8 year old ds. I sometimes worry for his future, I worry that I might have passed on the 'depression gene'. He is very sensitive, quite a deep and spiritual thinker. But he is what he is, and I wouldn't have him any other way. Just like I came to accept one day that my being prone to depression is a part of me, and not to just see it as completely negative.

Another reason I got into reading your posts, was because there is something special about you - and I mean this, I'm certainly not just trying to flatter you to cheer you up! Others here have expressed it in different ways. You do have a gift for writing, but you also have a uniqueness, a depth, a beauty that is hard to put into words.

I used to be a self-loather. Don't take this the wrong way, but there is something quite self indulgent in self-loathing. Loving yourself, is harder, but the rewards are great. When you love yourself, you have more love for other people, so it's a much less selfish act. I know I sound like a right old hairy hippy now but it's true!

I'll stop for now but want you to know I'm thinking about you, and I do know how you feel. Not exactly, because we're all different, but I know how if feels to be in the depths of despair. It's horrible. Really horrible. Like a living nightmare. I wouldn't wish it on my worse enemy. It pains me to think of someone like you going through this.

BengalTiger Sun 28-Jul-13 12:44:51

@cjel - must have your hands full looking after 3 kids that are so young. boys or girls? A girl at my school in my year became pregnant with quads! Don't even know where'd you start looking after that Army lol.

ballyhoo - sorry. I didn't mean for you to relive memories that make you emotional. I was just interested in how it turned out with your dad. But i think it's really cool that you and your dad made amends, particularly before he passed away. Must've put you at peace. In a way the way I feel about this anger kinda reminds me of the tension before big exams - I just wanna face it and get over it. Leave it behind and never have to think about it again.

Thanks for the compliments about me and my dad. And I'm sure your son will be as articulate as his mum.

@whethergirl - Thanks for taking the time to post and to share your story. And for the kind words, too. They made me smile a bit.

Really insightful read, particularly the bit about how you tried to commit suicide when you were a year older than me and now you're 40. That's one of the things the way I feel has blocked out - the fact that one day I'll grow up and be 30, 40 or 50. It seems impossible. Kinda reminds me of the moon - you can see it but you can't touch it. The same thing could be said about the way I feel about my future.

I know exactly what you mean about the living nightmare. It feels so claustrophobic. How long have you been on the low dose ADs if you don't mind me asking.

BengalTiger Sun 28-Jul-13 12:51:55

I was watching World at War yesterday. I love history and WAW is a 26-episode documentary of WWII from the start to the end. I realised that the way Britain and France initially reacted to Hitler and the Nazis coming to power in the 30s before things went out of control was similar to myself and my anger.

Britain and France were so wrong for not stopping Hitler right at the beginning. When Germany marched into Austria and Czechoslovakia unopposed, Britain and France just watched cause they didn't want a repeat of the First World War. They only decided to do something when it was too late and even right before Germany invaded Western Europe, the French found out days before of the plan and the routes the Germans were going to take into Belgium, Holland and France. But they did nothing.

The narrator in the documentary said, "It was as if by ignoring the problem, Britain and France thought it would simply vanish." And that kind of reminds me of myself and the anger I've been holding back. I do wish it would just go without me having to face it.

Caster8 Sun 28-Jul-13 13:40:30

I asked earlier yesterday whether you were ready to deal with your anger, and talk to your mum. I think you are. It may not be as bad as you think, facing your mum. I could be wrong obviously, but my guess is that it wont be quite as bad as you fear.

Can I ask, when she came back, how did she make contact again? Did you have much warning?
I have reread your op, and I notice that she has said that she is really sorry for everything and you forgave her. That is very good.

Apileofballyhoo Sun 28-Jul-13 14:27:45

Hiya Bengal,

don't apologise at all - a cry always releases tension and pain and I think it's good for a person! So I am quite pleased when I have a little cry.

I was thinking about you earlier on and about my Dad. We can only face things when we are able to face them and you can cut yourself some slack, put things to one side and have a day off from thinking about things any time you like. But not indefinitely, and not by suppressing, because it will only come back to bite you on the ass! You are acknowledging your feelings now which is a massive step in itself.

Hope you have a good day with your ex/maybe not ex? Friend who is a girl. smile

cjel Sun 28-Jul-13 19:07:02

Hello BT, Yes they have just gone it was manic. One boy aged 7 a girl age 3 and a toddler boy who is 20 months. I feel like I'vebeen in a tumble drier. We had roast dinner for tea and have just loaded the dishwasher for the 4th time today> I feel like my ears are ringing.

How did it go with ex today?

Openyourheart Sun 28-Jul-13 19:25:04

Quads?? OMG! Did they all survive?

Do you play COD too? My son loves all the COD games. There are supposed to be historical things in them.

You are very educated. Do you go to one of the grammar schools? I'm just being nosey really. I am imagining you as a Manchester Grammar boy ;)

mummylin Sun 28-Jul-13 19:45:01

Hello BT how has your day gone ? Hope you had a good meet up with your friend. Maybe cleared up a few things with her . Any decisions on how to go forward with things yet.
When you Re so young 40 seem s ancient. But I can tell you it's really not in the general run of things ! ( says she who is well past 40 ) I used to think my school teachers were really old , but they probably weren't at all.Now I go the other way and think all the policemen and doctors look young !

BengalTiger Sun 28-Jul-13 19:54:16

@caster8 - No warning at all. She just came and knocked on the door. I was away so she was with my dad but when I came back I found her. Was a pretty big surprise to say the least.

@ballyhoo - You know you're right about crying decreasing tension. I always feel like I'm more calmer after it. I've got a counseling session tomorrow and I've saved the WWII story cause it's a reminder, like you said, that if you hold it off indefinitely it'll come back to bite you.

cjel - Lol the tumble drier thing made me laugh. Is the oldest or the youngest the toughest to look after?

And it was okay with my ex today. I told her that I still liked her but atm with all the things going on (I told her about everything) i just wanna be alone. She understood and said if i wanted to vent i could just text her. So yeah. That's it basically.

openyourheart - yeah they survived. 2 boys and two girls. But they had to be born much earlier than usual. They ended up fine though. Should be about 6 months old now.

Grammar school? Lol I wish. Nah I go to a Catholic school that's been on the down in the last few years. Our footie team is rivals with a grammar school but we always get whipped by them lol. But thank you smile

And I used to love COD. COD4 remains one of my favourite games of all time. Black Ops was pretty cool too - spent a lot of hours online on that. Thing is, the greedy publishers have ruined the franchise cause they release a new one EVERY YEAR so there's little room for innovation - it's basically the same game as the year before with prettier graphics. And I got bored with it back in 2011 cause of that. I prefer gaming series that take time in-between releases (3-4 years) cause it gives the developers more time to really make the next game in the series better than the last one. And it makes you more excited too cause it's been so long since the last game.I remember waiting six years for a game to come out and I was so giddy in the week before release.

BengalTiger Sun 28-Jul-13 19:59:24

@lin - my day was okay. And I told my ex that I still really liked her but needed to be alone atm with all the things that are going on. She said I can talk to her anytime. Hopefully something can happen in the near future.

Lol yeah forty does seem far off but I'm only four years away from being 20 and I never thought that would happen. Guess time flies.

P.S. Anyone who knows about the human body - I love a lot of sports but I've always noticed that pro athletes peak physically and technically in their mid to late 20s. But when they are in their mid to late 30s, their phyisical talents rapidly decline (football and basketball players are done by the time they are 35 or 36 - only a few exceptions go on). Why is that? What happens in your thirties?

Caster8 Sun 28-Jul-13 20:47:21

I am shocked just reading that your mum came back like that with no earning whatsoever. Goodness knows how you felt.

Your ex sounds quite mature and sensible and reliable from the little you have said.

No idea what happens to sports people in their 30's!

Apileofballyhoo Sun 28-Jul-13 20:58:09

I think you just start to decline physically - your metabolism slows down, things like that. It is a lot harder to be fit in your 30s as it is in your 20s. I think things like building muscle, and increasing lung capacity require a lot more effort. It's just aging! All the cells are older and have had more wear and tear, I suppose. In the case of athletes there must be a lot of strain on their joints and that kind of thing. I'm thinking now of Sir Steve the rower - would a lot of his training would have been low impact compared to a runner, say? So he could keep up his sport for longer? Whereas women gymnasts are very young because the body loses flexibilty and bones become denser - I think women swimmers are quite young too for the lighter bones reason. It is very interesting.

Glad you had a big chat with your friend and she was understanding. I hope counselling goes well tomorrow too.

About crying - I think there can be a lot of pressure put on people not to cry. Even my little DS is getting the impression from the outside world that 'it is brave to not cry'. I keep telling him the brave things are to not be afraid to show your feelings and to try again even when you have been hurt. I think it is a losing battle against society though - although if we all can at least show our emotions in the privacy of our own homes we would be ok. It is a bug bear of mine that we try to stop little kids from showing their sad emotions - and then we advise people not to suppress their emotions when they are adults!

mummylin Sun 28-Jul-13 20:59:24

They get married and have children grin

mummylin Sun 28-Jul-13 21:02:26

I am glad that you have reached an understanding with your friend. She must be nice to be so understanding. So all is not lost ! It's good to have someone in RL that you could talk to when you need and human contact is very important. I hope your session tomorrow will help you, at least it may be the start of a new beginning for you

BengalTiger Sun 28-Jul-13 21:14:38

@caster8 - yeah it was a shock to say the least. It hit me really hard. The only thing that's hit me harder in life is my dad dying.

@Ballyhoo - Well rowing requires a lot of strength and stamina but I think strength is easier to maintain than speed or stamina. Speed - nothing you can really do about that. It's really funny when you see football players that used to be as fast as a bullet in their 20s but are as slow as a snail in their 30s. So yeah in comparison with a runner (especially short distance) I think a rower has more durability. Gymnasts are so tiny it's unreal. They look so fragile. I guess that's why they're so agile.

On the crying thing - you're right about the pressure not to cry. Like it's weird cause I'm conscious that the posters here are women so it's much easier for me to admit that I've been crying. If you were all men I wouldn't admit that.

@lin - Lol if I ever get married no church or reception stuff. Just a quick signature. Much quicker, easier, cheaper and less boring lol.

And yeah she's understanding. She's really nice. It's weird cause when we were in year 7 before she moved away for a few years I remember her being really snappy. I guess people change with time. I have too actually. I used to be much more outgoing in year 7.

Caster8 Sun 28-Jul-13 21:26:14

Oh yes, some people do change over time. I went to a school reunion. I think it was in the year we all turned 30. And we all commented on how one of the women had changed. Back in school days, she was one of the ones at the back of the class, noisy and a bit disruptive. But when we saw her again at 30, we all commented on the difference in her. She was much calmer. She said yes, she thinks she married the right person, and that calmed her right down and she was a lot happier now than she was then.

I do think it would have been better for your mum to have given everyone some warning. Perhaps she had thought it wouldn't have made much difference either way.

BengalTiger Sun 28-Jul-13 21:32:18

The noisy ones . . . always one in every class! No matter which one.

My dad was really, really angry. I could tell that he was even though he held it in well. I was just shocked really. It should be a happy memory - her coming back and all, but it actually isn't. It's actually a sad one and not because of how she wasn't there for me all that time she was away, but for my dad. When I look back on that day it's my dad that I always feel for.

Caster8 Sun 28-Jul-13 21:43:08

I think what I am trying to say, and what I am thinking, and what I am leading you to in a way, is that your mum may have a bit of a shock with the letter too. Nothing to the extent of you and your dad, but still a bit of a shock, if she doesnt realise you have anger towards her.
Are you going to discuss the letter with your counsellor tomorrow?

Did your dad go out with anyone after your mum left? You dont need to answer that if you dont want to?

mummylin Sun 28-Jul-13 21:45:45

By the time you get married BT you will probably be able to conduct your own wedding on the Internet ! I don't think there is much you can't do on it these days.
I'm not going to comment on your parents because I don't know them and we don't know their circumstances. But I will say that sometimes parents have no idea how things will affect their children when they are older. It can affect them badly as you are proving yourself

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