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Noone seems to believe i am ill, just that im a bad person. what are my options?

(94 Posts)
ArtVandelay Fri 10-May-13 20:57:02

Hello, I've had a series of breakdowns in the past year. Mostly brought on by traumatic life events and the lonliness and isolation of living in a new town where there are no English speaking people. My H is away 50% of the time and I have developed a lot of fear of attacks and accidents and so rarely leave the house. I have pretty much sole care of a toddler and I'm just exhausted from it all. I have no friends here or a network despite working hard to reach out.

My breadowns have been largely untreated - bit of mirtazipine, bit of valium but no respite, talking cure or even a holiday. It's just brushed under the carpet so I will continue to care for my son and do housework whilst my H works.

Yesterday, I burst into tears at a family event because H started to make fun of me and wouldn't stop and so embarrassed my H and DM. They have not spoken to me since execpt for a few attacks about 'you need to grow up', its all about them and I don't know what to do. I've spent the day asleep by taking medicine.

I don't know what to do, I have constant thoughts and plans to kill myself. I tried to get to the Dr today and Psychiatrist but for some reason. All medical offices were having a closed day in my town. I think at this stage I would be safest in hospital but I'm just being told I can't because everyone has plans and I need to take care of my son. What should I do? I thought mental illness is a real illness, and I can't believe I'm being attacked for this. I don't want to feel like this but my life truly is at a dead end.

I'm overseas so can't contact any helplines. It's a&e or nothing and I'm now feeling like noone will believe me. How do I get to Monday when the DR offices open?

cjel Wed 15-May-13 20:29:14

All well here thanks. Where are you have you flown? how was trip?

Ilikethebreeze Wed 15-May-13 09:09:46

Thank you for the update.
Hope your trip is hassle free.

ArtVandelay Wed 15-May-13 08:43:36

Hi Cjel and everyone here, im super tired due to starting the tablets. Im basically fine unless i try to do something stressful so cleaning guinea pigs is fine but paying stuff at the bank yesterday ended up with me telling my mum to leave me alone and I stormed off home. All over nothing really (blush). Well, faffing and fussing which drives me mad at the best of times. I'm flying today so hopefully I won't be so edgy and annoyed as airports are usually faff central. Hope you are all doing well x x

cjel Wed 15-May-13 08:10:01

how are you?

DameFanny Mon 13-May-13 13:25:08

That does sound positive - well done you

Ilikethebreeze Mon 13-May-13 13:10:48

Brilliant. Glad it all went so very well.
Dont worry about having your own thread though. Each person has a different situation imo.

DuchessFanny Mon 13-May-13 12:55:22

Excellent ! Good idea to take a list of the symptoms, and so pleased you found a good doctor smile
So many people don't listen to themselves or try to ignore when they are depressed, so in some way you are an inspiration ( great idea to go onto a group thread)
I wish you all the best and please do look me up if it gets a bit much and you need an ear x

cjel Mon 13-May-13 12:40:05

What a lovely post Art, SOOO glad that you can see how important it is for you to listen to yourself. also pleased you had a bit of practical help from m and h. Wonderful news that you found Dr a help, hopefully if you need help again you will go sooner,also have a plan if you need to get help in UK. You sound so much better I hope you do look after yourself. When are you coming over?

ArtVandelay Mon 13-May-13 12:29:33

Thanks Fannies and Breeze. The Psychiatrist was lovely, he was very approachable and spoke good English. He has prescribed Sertraline for the day and a tricyclic for sleeping but one that doesn't make you eat/put on weight. After a few weeks Mirtazipine last year, I looked like a hamster so I won't make that mistake again. We talked about inpatient treatment but it would cause so many problems that I'm going to do outpatient appointments with him and see how that goes. I've got a letter for my GP that says severe depression blah blah so refer me direct to psych in UK if needed. I feel a lot safer now. I didn't sleep on Saturday night so yesterday I was completely barmy - hence no posting. Last night I found some Phenergan so I did sleep so today I'm pretty level. After this morning, I also had to take DS to a kindergarten taster session, I'm having a lie down and i'll pick my tablets up at 3.

Incidentally, looking back, I think I was being pretty spiteful when spoken to earlier in the week. I am nasty sometimes when I feel attacked. H and my Mum are pretty useless but thinking about it, all my washing and ironings been done, DS was looked after, H did some DIY that needed doing etc. I am being strict with myself now though, if tired, go to bed. If anxious, don't go visiting people that don't make you feel good etc.

I think when you've been depressed for a year, then you've probably stopped listening to yourself because you are so used to just ignoring your own feelings and bashing on. At least I think that's what's happened to me. Then you get exhausted and can't get out of bed or have dramas with people and you can't work out what's going on.

A big hug and thanks to everyone who has helped me with this. I can't explain how your words helped when I was really low, but they were a real lifeline. I think i'll join a group thread in future - feels a bit wrong to have an own thread and ideally I would like to pay your kindness forward and be there for other MNers too. X x x x x from me.

DameFanny Mon 13-May-13 09:14:54

Echo that smile

Ilikethebreeze Mon 13-May-13 08:13:32

Good. Well done.

ArtVandelay Mon 13-May-13 08:08:16

I'm at the Drs and I have a list of symptoms so I don't get sidetracked.

DuchessFanny Sun 12-May-13 18:29:23

Don't feel stupid ! Glad you've let us know how you are today, like DAME I'll check in tomorrow too ( us Fanny's are a caring bunch xx)

DameFanny Sun 12-May-13 14:02:36

Glad you're still here - just to warn you I'll be checking in tomorrow to see how the doctor went - if you don't want to say just say so?

cjel Sun 12-May-13 12:14:23

Glad you are still lurking. Hope you get what you need from tomorrow. Give us a shout when yo feel like a chatxxx

StoicButStressed Sun 12-May-13 11:32:08

(((hugs))) And it's not stupid and nor are you. Well done on getting through yesterdaysmile x

ArtVandelay Sun 12-May-13 10:36:42

Hi, I'm still here. Don't feel like talking today as I'm really tired and don't want to confuse myself. I'm focussing on the Drs tomorrow. Thanks for all your kind words, I feel a bit stupid but you really kept me going yesterday x x

lill72 Sat 11-May-13 21:19:14

I am so sorry to hear you are feeling this way. I have suffered depression from relationship breakdowns in the past and I know how you can feel that there is no way out.

I think you need to do whatever you need to do. If you feel you need to go to A & E, then go immediately. You need to do what is best for you.

Can someone look after your DM?

I do really feel for you. I am sorry your H does not seem to understand, often when people have not suffered depression, they cannot understand how helpless you can feel.

What you are feeling is real. Do whatever you need to.

Hugs

Ilikethebreeze Sat 11-May-13 20:07:19

Are you ok Art?

cjel Sat 11-May-13 19:03:56

thankyou but I don't deserve it. I hope I haven't put you off Art?

Ilikethebreeze Sat 11-May-13 18:46:19

smile from me.

cjel Sat 11-May-13 18:42:42

no i know it was bad I won't do it any more. Sorry OP I have been out of orderI don't know what happened to me, I think I wanted op to realise that it isn't he rbeing weak or behaving badly but sorry I shouldn't have done itxxx

Ilikethebreeze Sat 11-May-13 18:39:12

I dont think she wants or needs to hear that right now cjel.

cjel Sat 11-May-13 18:37:35

neglect is a form of abuse No sorry no more.sad how have you managed this afternoon?

Ilikethebreeze Sat 11-May-13 18:30:23

Why did your husband want to move to the area you are in now.
Did you get any say at all in the matter?
Does he care that you cannot make friends where you now are?

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