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depression setting in, need support to tidy up/regain routine

(29 Posts)
KitKatShoes Tue 07-May-13 06:16:07

Have become very depressed again recently and have seen Dr and increased dose of venlafaxine to 225. Split up with DP last week, no DC multiple losses.

All I want to do at the moment is eat (crap), sleep and bury my head in the sand.

Had thoughts of self harm but not done it.

Am living in a complete mess. It now seems overwhelming. It was ok-ish before but has quickly turned to absolute madness. I would die of embarrassment if anyone came in! Dishes unwashed. Bed covers need changed, bottom sheet fallen off to sleeping on bare mattress, food wrappers/plates everywhere. Bins full and need emptied. Washing needs put away.

I don't think the mess is helping my mood as I can't relax. But I have no energy/motivation to do it.

I need hand holding, baby steps and support when I have done little bits. Please no one tell me I am disgusting, I feel horrid enough as it is. I am trying to get myself back on track. Today is an inset day and am back at work tomorrow so need to get sorted today.

It s tempting to just spend today sleeping. I don't want to die, I know things will get better. BUT I would like the world to stop for a bit so I could just crawl away and hide and no one would miss me. If I didn't have the logical side knowing I have felt worse before and I will get better then I could see how I would want to end it. Sometimes I am driving and think "I could just drive in to the sea/that wall" I am not saying I am going to or want to but I do think about it.

KitKatShoes Sun 12-May-13 06:11:58

Need to get some stuff done today. Can't keep just existing!

Thumbtack Wed 08-May-13 23:09:06

You sound a bit like me OP, I need structure too. If doing work at home becomes difficult, take it to a cafe and work there?

Swimming is utterly brilliant for depression

Take care grin

KitKatShoes Wed 08-May-13 20:54:14

Waitrose sounds like a plan! There is one near me. M&S I like too. Ate a bit better today - 3 small meals and fruit for snacks.

Was very busy today which helps. I love my job and I have some good friends there, although I don't see all of them every day sometimes only once a week depending on what I am doing. I often work with a psychiatrist and sometimes I think "God if only you knew what a mess I was!"

Pushed myself to go for a swim after work for 2 reasons - usually would spend evenings with exDP and also thought the exercise might help mood.

Crashed a bit now. I have a research paper to be working on and lots of stuff to sort and tidy but could easily watch apprentice instead!

Having the 5 days off there was absolutely the reason why I felt so much more awful, I need the structure.

Just dawned on me that I didn't think about driving away/in to anything at all today. smile

Thumbtack Wed 08-May-13 18:50:06

How was your day KitKat?

Maybe a little bit of how you were yesterday was needing a rest before going back to work today ? I just mean perhaps it's natural to have a bad day before gearing yourself up for all that effort ?
I find things a bit overwhelming at home too, knowing where to start with the housework. I think you did loads ! I'm OK in other ways though, such as once I'm out and about.
Hope you feel brighter soon x
Spring is a help I think ? Have been loving the blossom and bright new leaves.

tourdefrance Wed 08-May-13 18:02:55

Whoops!

tourdefrance Wed 08-May-13 18:00:24

Hi Kitkat
how was work? Do you have friends there or not really? Do you enjoy your job?

FranKatzenjammer Wed 08-May-13 17:50:15

Re: your tongue, you may have a thyroid or adrenal problem, which would explain the lethargy and depression. Please get it checked out. And my top tip for healthy eating is to get yourself down to Waitrose, buy loads of yummy, healthy food and for the moment, hang the expense. I started doing this a few weeks ago and now feel like a different person.

tourdefrance Wed 08-May-13 17:39:27

Hi Kitkat
how was work? Do you have friends there or not really? Do you enjoy your job?

KitKatShoes Wed 08-May-13 07:20:57

tdf bluebells in the woods sounds lovely!

Ate 2 rolls and 2 low fat yogurts all day yesterday, must try to eat a more normal diet today!

About to get up and ready for work. Want to stay in bed under the covers away from the world! Will do me good to get out to work I know but I really don't want to go!

My tongue is really odd atm, got teeth marks down the side of it and is white ish. hmm

tourdefrance Tue 07-May-13 21:19:02

Well done OP. Sounds like you got loads done. And fresh air is really good too, I've been feeling down lately and a walk through some woods with bluebells in gave me a little lift.

KitKatShoes Tue 07-May-13 21:10:24

Thank you all so much. I had no idea how ill I was really, it has come on slowly. The intrusive thoughts of "I could just vanish/die" have been creeping in so gradually. I WON'T act on them, I am not saying it to cause a panic but I am finding them very horrid to deal with.

Back to Drs next week to see how getting on with new tabs.

Went for a walk in park in warm sun and had a fag - terrible as I have chronic lung disease. I shouldn't have had it. I have about 5 a year - single fags not packs! Sometimes it is all that calms me down.

Cleaned out the car too so that was some time in the sun. And I did another load of washing.

Now to laugh at apprentice. smile

SnowyMouse Tue 07-May-13 17:21:31

Sounds like you've done a great job smile

Unfortunatelyanxious Tue 07-May-13 17:15:41

That sounds really positive KK. I know all about hiding how you feel, I know that is what exhausts me.

Thumbtack Tue 07-May-13 17:12:46

You done good! No, your right, people who have not been ill like this have noooo idea how disabling depression can be. I was also okay in the 'outside' world but at home I would bury myself under a stinking duvet.

I just wanted to say that you WILL get some more bad days coming - but thats okay coz the whole process to recovery is a marathon and not a sprint. Just accept this if they are very bad, but as soon as you DO get a flicker of hope, seize it, get dressed and tidy up - makes the world of difference if you can do it.

Can you tidy and wipe one surface before you go to work tomorrow? takes 120 seconds! i keep going on about 120 bloody seconds!

Photos good idea grin goodluck

KitKatShoes Tue 07-May-13 13:56:48

Contemplating taking before photos so I can see the progress after!

KitKatShoes Tue 07-May-13 13:54:28

Thank you very much. It is helping having here to post on. People who are not ill in this way don't undertsnad the extent of the mess or the effort required.

No one at work would believe I am this way, I can manage well and appear very together then come home to this.

Had a nap - woke very early after falling asleep late.

Shower, dressed, curatins and windows open.

Had some lunch.

Filled a bin bag.

Put a washing on and hung it up.

Might go and fill another bag now.

Is beautiful blue skies and sun here today for a change, I feel a walk in the park might help.

Unfortunatelyanxious Tue 07-May-13 08:03:59

I know how you feel when first ill I didn't wash for five days at all nor change my clothes. The bed sheets didn't get changed for five weeks.

I agree with showering, list making and a small job at a time. The one thing I do is time myself and do stuff for 15 minutes then sit down, watch tv or whatever so as to try and not get overwhelmed.

You know your unwell which is a good sign, I was so ill a Few months ago I had no idea I was ill.

Try and come back and let us know how you are.

sarahthesolicitor Tue 07-May-13 07:52:21

Oh dear, poor you.

Best start is always a shower. Try to fix your hair and put a bit of make up on. It will make you feel so much better.

Put the radio on (Classic FM always makes me feel better) and move through each room tidying as you go. I normally start in the kitchen. Keep a box or trug to hand and chuck anything that doesn't belong in the room into the box. When you move to the next room, take bits out of the box that belong to that room and fill it up with stuff that doesn't.

Talk kindly to yourself. Tell yourself it's fine to feel like this and you are doing really well doing anything.

You WILL feel better if you can get the house sorted.

Thumbtack Tue 07-May-13 07:47:51

Thanks Tdf - I know this from years of experience - much better now though! smile

Thumbtack Tue 07-May-13 07:44:22

Dont turn on the tv, can you put some upbeat music on? Dont worry about eating healthy yet, yes it helps, but you can tackle that later. Even non depressed people struggle with that one.

tourdefrance Tue 07-May-13 07:39:55

Good advice from thumb. Washing, dressing, teeth and contacts in for me makes me feel capable of doing stuff.

tourdefrance Tue 07-May-13 07:27:22

Hello again. Reread your post. Can you do your bed first? Have you written a list of things to do so you can tick them off or are they going round and round in your head and you don't know where to start? Hth.

Thumbtack Tue 07-May-13 07:06:20

Good Girl thats brilliant - report back. You may feel better just doing that and nothing else for the rest of the day or it may spur you to do a tiny bit of tidying which will make you feel on top of the world for a little while. Dont be dissapointed if you dip again especially lunchtime and afternoon - youve done well already and tomorrow you can try again.
smile

KitKatShoes Tue 07-May-13 06:54:45

Ok going to have shower, open curtains and get dressed.

(well maybe dressed before opening curtains!) smile

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