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So desperate

(729 Posts)
GracieLoo Fri 03-May-13 23:54:14

I wouldn't be posting this if I didn't care or wasn't scared but I am, and i don't know whats happening to me. I've started taking an od and I can't stop taking them, I don't care anymore, i'm tired of this, disappointing people and letting them down.

Ilikethebreeze Thu 13-Jun-13 22:26:13

<hugs>
I cant answer your post porperly, as I dont know about this sort of thing.
But others like Hoophopes seem to know and understand what is happening.
So I will just hand hold for now.

Your depression seems to be worse today, so what you are saying is coming because of the depression.
Are you remembering to take the pills you are supposed to be taking?

TheSilveryPussycat Thu 13-Jun-13 22:57:20

gracie the one sure way to protect DD from misery and stress is just to keep going, weary step by weary step. It will get better, give yourself time. We will be here holding your hand every step, sending hugs and warm wishes.

cjel Thu 13-Jun-13 23:03:05

gracie, please remember that i am not feeling as you do, nor are outreach support etc. we do not find you hard work or stressful, we can take anything you throw at us, nothing is too bad for us to cope with that you can't tell us.we can't catch how you feel we are safe and you will be too one day. It is the way your mind works at the moment , temporarily, that tells you you are too much trouble for anyone to bother with. You are not too much trouble.some of us have been where you are and got well again and realise that what you see as reality is just your poor tired mind playing tricks. When you allow people to help you in the way you need you won't feel like you do now.Its so hard when you have no hope, but you have done really well in reaching out. You told your gp about the cpn, you were open with and got on with the hv and now you say you contacted the childrens centre for more support. You are doing amazing. You think you are faking it but remember the saying 'fake it until you make it',
try and get rest now and even sleep so your tired mind can have a chance to rest.<<<<hugs>>>>>>

GracieLoo Fri 14-Jun-13 08:46:15

Yeah I'm taking my pills, and not been drinking alcohol or missing meals. So why am I still not coping? Shouldn't be on here now as got to take dd to nursery in 10 mins and not even dressed. Feel like I can't do anything, everything is too much effort. Hate being so useless.

cjel Fri 14-Jun-13 10:04:00

Morning. Its taken me this long to get up and eat so you were ahead of me!! You FEEL like you are not coping you FEEL useless, but my lovely lovey gracie you are not. Not drinking and eating is a mega step in the direction to full wellness, overwhelmingly the future seems harder to get to than the past but think of it as a road that you need to travel but there is no u turn!! I don't think if you had a choice of not being here or of being well you would choose not being here? sometimes you feel as if you are going the wrong way but you really aren't. hope you werent too late for nurseryxx

GracieLoo Fri 14-Jun-13 17:14:34

I can't do this, I'm too tired. We weren't too late for nursery, I made some phone calls regarding benefits etc, but got a feeling I've messed it up. Took dd and her friend out, then brought them home for a play. Feel like I haven't sat down today and dd is still demanding my time and attention. Just want her to give me space for half an hour. Her friends dad picked her up and dd face said it all. She wants to be with her dad.

I can't be bothered to do anything, her tea or bath or stories. Just want to stay in bed. Can't ask anyone for help, it's too late in the day and I hate admitting I can't do it. Don't how how to carry on, feel so crap.

yamsareyammy Fri 14-Jun-13 17:20:41

You have had a busy day, and feel tired. Happens to us all.

But I dont think you can say that a look she may or may not have given to her friends dad, means that she would rather be with her own dad smile

Take it slow, whatever you have got left in the day that you need to do.

yamsareyammy Fri 14-Jun-13 17:21:53

Quick tea, such as beans on toast, no bath unless necessary, and maybe no story tonight would be my advice.

GracieLoo Fri 14-Jun-13 17:32:38

She looked really sad and then when they had gone she said she wanted to go to her dads. She said it this morning too.

I haven't had a really busy day, other people do loads more, all I did was normal mum stuff which shouldn't exhaust me. Just being over sensitive I think.

yamsareyammy Fri 14-Jun-13 17:44:48

I think you have been through a lot in the last few weeks and more. Physically and emotionally. Enough to exhaust anyone.

Children will sometimes want to be with the other parent, from time to time, for one reason or another. That is natural. Is she perhaps wanting to see the new baby?

GracieLoo Fri 14-Jun-13 17:58:11

I think so, she's made pictures for them all. At least she can go and be part of a proper family this weekend.

yamsareyammy Fri 14-Jun-13 18:18:42

Families are made up of 2 people or 10 or anything in between.

But either way, you dd comes across to me as a lovely, happy normal little girl.
And she will probably have a nice time this weekend at her dads.
That is not something to be afraid of or worried about. That is actiually something for you to feel proud about. That you have brought her up so well.

GracieLoo Fri 14-Jun-13 21:26:22

I've tried. I can't do this. Was stupid to think I could get better. I can't and i'm going to let people down. Scared. Just had the worst thought/image and I don't like it. I tried to stop it and couldn't. sad

yamsareyammy Fri 14-Jun-13 21:32:57

Has someone from your medical supporters advised you of coping mechanisms for this sort of situation?

Hoophopes Fri 14-Jun-13 21:52:44

You can always phone 111 to get an out of hours dr's apt and they can refer you to crisis team directly. Or phone Samaritans? Or do something nice just for you?

When I am really bad I just focus on getting through the next fifteen minutes, then the next fifteen and so on.

Do you have any prn medicine you can take, like a sleeping tablet?

GracieLoo Fri 14-Jun-13 22:07:59

I don't know what to do, but appreciate the suggestions. I don't want to admit to anyone that I feel a bit strange again, I know I shouldn't feel embarrassed but I do.

I've been taking it day by day, or hour by hour and will try to carry on doing that over the weekend. But I feel i'm going downwards a bit, after trying so hard the last couple of weeks. So why do I bother? Dd has been clingy and emotional, all my fault. I hate this!

I have no extra meds, don't think they would give me any. Feel like i don't care anymore and I should. The image I had was of dd, and I don't know why it entered my mind. I know no one asked what it was but had to get it off my chest. Sorry

TheSilveryPussycat Fri 14-Jun-13 22:14:40

don't be scared of images - I know it's hard not to be. I get hypnogic imagery sometimes as I am drifting off to sleep, apparently that's quite common and normal. I used to be a bit freaked but now I somehow blink my eyes open and seem to be assured that it's just a little trick of the mind, and nothing to be worried about.

Will check as often as I can, hold on gracie. I find Solitaire (on the computer) helps to just occupy my mind a bit and give me a bit of peace.

Hoophopes Fri 14-Jun-13 22:19:19

I only get two or three sleeping tablets prescribed at one time. You could ask your Cpn about a small amount of prn medication perhaps next week to help you when you really struggle if they think it would help?

I was told by a psych that images are just images and does not mean they will happen or we will act on them.

Sorry you are struggling. It has been a tough week with lots of tough appointments so I am not surprised your brain is not coping with it.

Sugar crush. Solitaire are both great distractions.

cjel Fri 14-Jun-13 22:20:36

Gracie, I have been so tired when depressed that i had to go back to bed after shower and breakfast. Feeling like you do can use as much energy as running a marathon. what you acheived today was soo huge.
My grandchildren don't always want to go home with their mum and dad, it doesnt mean they hate them or they are useless its just what children are like. She really will love things you do with her just as much as them. It is ONLY because of how low you feel that you are reading her wrongly.
get an early night and rest your mind and body. I wish you would start to believe what i am telling you. I have been in the despair you are and honestly as you start to get better it becomes clearer that it is the way you are feeling and not the world that is wrong.
Be kind to yourself, look at your successes and please believe me you are having huge success every day.xx

GracieLoo Fri 14-Jun-13 22:38:58

I want to believe what you tell me, and what people have been telling me for a long time but I don't, and I hate that I don't. I get into this zone that feels everyone is against me and nothing they say is true.

I thought that having a child would mean I would have someone to love and who loves me unconditionally and it doesn't feel like that. I'm failing at what I always wanted to be.

I think I'm kidding myself I'm doing ok, maybe I'm trying to prove to everyone I can do this, but I'm not sure I can. I keep thinking I need to do it before dd is older and more aware. Feel like I'm somewhere else right now, my mind has gone off on one! Scared to sleep but scared to stay awake with these thoughts. Don't even feel tired now.

Hoophopes Fri 14-Jun-13 22:49:16

I am sure if you asked a random group of parents and they were honest you would not be on your own!! Today my ds was cuddling his auntie and as we were due to leave clung to her and waved at me!!

Try to remember your HV and new support worker can help reassure you about you and dd. I was very upset when my ds was younger that I was a rubbish parent and I too had extra help for a few months. They kept telling me it was all about good enough parenting and that I was doing that! Also they told me bringing up a family is not just my responsibility and that children need other family members to share the load... It is not all down to one parent.

It also always feels worse at night when our brains almost have free reign as we are not having to "do" practical things.

Do you have nice things planned for tomorrow? Time for you and a treat? ( a treat for me is a paper and cup of tea in a coffee shop on my own, people watching!!)

cjel Fri 14-Jun-13 22:55:22

What a horrid hopeless place it seems to be, i can't remember a specific thing that helped me to start to listen and take on the positive messages and deflect the untrue negative ones but i think it was just constantly hearing good things. I journalled good stuff, even just listing what i'd accomplished every day and how bad i'd felt. it soon became clear that i didn't feel any worse than i had before, the worst had already happened, I'd acheived far more than i thought at the end of the day, the bad feelings always passed. I don't know what i can say that will really enable you to trust me!!!

GracieLoo Fri 14-Jun-13 23:06:51

Trouble is I don't feel reassured by the HV and cpn at the moment, feel like they're trying to prove i'm a rubbish mum. Sometimes I think i'm doing no worse than others, but the professionals seem to want to tell me how much risk i'm putting dd at, and how much it's affecting her, which is why I keep having thoughts I need to end it sooner rather than later, and the thoughts are getting stronger. I have plans to meet a friend tomorrow that I can't really get out of, but I will make it as brief as possib;e. Can't face anyone.

cjel Fri 14-Jun-13 23:16:52

its much easier to stay tucked in when you feel crap isn't it. i think one thing that helped me was having one person that i learned to trust and started slowly to take in that what they saidwas real and people who said the bad things weren't. can you think of one person that you could ? maybe your gp, or the hv if you build on that relationship?or even your new support on mn until you can trust someone in rl? do you have a personal counsellor? if not could you ask gp for one?

TheSilveryPussycat Fri 14-Jun-13 23:41:00

I think the HCPs may just mean that you are getting better, but not yet v far along the road to recovery, therefore you need meds and people to check you are doing OK. As someone upthread said, they have to check DD is alright, and the thing everyone wants is for you to carry on looking after her. You are her lovely DM smile sending hugs, warm wishes, and brew

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