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So desperate

(729 Posts)
GracieLoo Fri 03-May-13 23:54:14

I wouldn't be posting this if I didn't care or wasn't scared but I am, and i don't know whats happening to me. I've started taking an od and I can't stop taking them, I don't care anymore, i'm tired of this, disappointing people and letting them down.

dogsandcats Sat 04-May-13 18:51:18

Does your mum know what has happened?
Have you told any friends?

GracieLoo Sat 04-May-13 18:55:12

No I really can't. Mums away for the weekend, going to have dinner at a friends as they're worried but don't know anything. Everytime I stand my heart pounds.

Slainte Sat 04-May-13 18:58:39

Please, please tell your friends and family what's happening. There's nothing wrong with asking for support.

I really don't know anything about your situation but please don't think you're alone.

gracie hi I've read some of your posts before and know you've been having a really rubbish time for a while. But I really wanted to say you did brilliantly calling the ambulance and I'm so glad you're still here. I have been suicidal and thought my kids would be better off without me, but now I am doing better (it does happen) I can see that was my poorly head not actually me. I really hope you get the support you need from the crisis team and please try and contact one friend or family member. They really won't mind. hang in there x

GracieLoo Sun 05-May-13 00:04:18

Feel all over the place, and not sure if things are real or not. Thought I saw a black cat but nothing there, and getting flahbacks of last night of being put in a room on my own. I'm getting really scared.

dogsandcats Sun 05-May-13 00:12:58

[hugs]
I am up late, which is unusual for me.
I should imagine, that there are still medicines in your system?

I would go to A &E if you are hallucinating. As you have been recently discharged I am sure they will take you seriously and not let you go home too early this time.

GracieLoo Sun 05-May-13 00:19:50

It was probably just a shadow, but it looks the the ceilings moving and swirling. Think I'm tired but I'm scared to sleep.

dogsandcats Sun 05-May-13 00:22:23

Rest with your eyes closed?

GracieLoo Sun 05-May-13 07:45:04

Didn't sleep well, about 5 hours I think, woke up with not a clue what day it is, what's been happening and have I got to collect dd later. Took a while to sort it all out in my head. Woke in the night fully dressed, didn't even manage to get ready for bed last night. I hadn't been drinking either. Spoke to a friend about stuff, they know about work and being signed off. I'm trying to open up. This is so hard. Even typing this has taken me so long.

dogsandcats Sun 05-May-13 07:55:48

Well done.

I have been having a think.
I like to work out what is essentially at the root of peoples problems.

I think yours is self esteem.
You are afraid of this and that, because you are afraid of being judged.
Because you judge yourself.
You think you are worthless, no on should bother with you etc.

But you are definitely not worthless.

What do you think?
I think you have said on another thread that your self esteem is not good.
Would you be interested in trying to improve it, and see if that helps you with probably everything?

DevonCiderPunk Sun 05-May-13 08:00:14

Morning GracieLoo. I am so pleased that you're opening up a bit. Are crisis team coming again today?

GracieLoo Sun 05-May-13 08:43:40

I do have self esteem issues, and a whole lot of other issues!

CT are coming this morning, but I want to go back to sleep. I got up, brushed my teeth, and got back in bed. So tired, physically and mentally. Also, got this horrible feeling social services are going to be involved.

dogsandcats Sun 05-May-13 08:58:12

I doubt social services will get involved.
If they did, I think it is normally said that if you involve yourself with the MH services, then that satisfies them that things are ok in that respect.

dogsandcats Sun 05-May-13 08:59:43

Would you mind saying what people have said your other issues are, You dont have to if you dont want to.
[It is easier than trying to work it out from the other end of a screen!]

Slainte Sun 05-May-13 09:03:55

Gracie , well done you've managed to get through two awful nights. I agree that engaging with the MH services will serve you well. Try to sleep until the CT arrive.

You are in our thoughts.

Hoophopes Sun 05-May-13 09:27:20

Even if the hospital or Social Care do get involved it will be looking at how to support you as you are struggling. The hospital or crisis team will do the risk assessment about if they feel the need to refer. Where I live every time I go to A and E due to self harm the hospital contacts automatically my health visitor.

Great you got through the night ok. Resting is helpful.

GracieLoo Sun 05-May-13 09:32:40

I feel so tired but my brain won't let me sleep. I know I should try eat/drink something. God this is so difficult. Been looking on internet at what to od on, I know this isn't right. Nothing I'm doing is right at the moment. Going to make a cup of tea, I will make myself do it!

GracieLoo Sun 05-May-13 09:44:31

Ok now I'm annoyed. CT just phoned and said 'we know you're getting your dd today so do you need to see us or can it wait til tomorrow as you'll be getting ready for dd'. Wtf?! I didn't know what to say, she didn't even ask how my night was or how I'm feeling, but I told her anyway, said I slept badly, was seeing stuff and having flashbacks, and hadn't managed to get up yet. She said 'well get up and see how you feel, and we'll give you a call later'. I said actually I'd like someone this am as I'm really not feeling right. She said they're doing an assessment for someone then come round. Well now I feel worse, and when they come I'll know they won't want to be there. Wish I had just left it now, as I was talking I was getting more and more panicky.

GracieLoo Sun 05-May-13 10:41:09

Don't know whether to ring them back and say don't bother about today. I don't see what they'll do anyway, and i'm getting really anxious about who's going to turn up. Really jumpy and agitated.

No, don't think they don't want to be there. There were just double checking that you did need to see them today and now you've told them that you do, they will be happy to visit.

GracieLoo Sun 05-May-13 11:08:18

She didn't sound happy. Got stomach pains now. Maybe they think that when dd is here I'm safe so they don't need to see me?

Slainte Sun 05-May-13 15:16:55

Hope the CT have visited you Gracie.

GracieLoo Sun 05-May-13 18:50:10

They did come, bit uncomfortable again with a bloke sat there taking notes, but I tried to pretend he wasn't there. I broke down a bit, shaking and crying. I feel so desperate, I want someone to just take me some place where I can just sleep, make me cups of tea and not ask me loads of questions. And I don't have to think about anything, they can drug me up all they like. But that's not going to happen and somehow I've got to get out of this.

Spoke to my mum as I need her to have dd when I see ct tomorrow, I played it down a lot, didn't mention Friday night. She blames the new meds. Dd just climbed onto my lap for a cuddle. I know she needs me so why am I still planning to od again, want to make it look accidental. I don't feel I'm meant to be here, life shouldn't be like this. I'm not being fair on those around me.

Ilikethebreeze Sun 05-May-13 19:16:53

Why do you play it down again to your mum?
Is it because of low self esteem, so feel you are not worth it or something else?

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