Note: Mumsnet has not checked the knowledge, experience or professional qualifications of anyone posting on Mumsnet Talk, so this is not necessarily the best place to seek help if you're feeling seriously distressed or suicidal. Mumsnet cannot be held responsible for any advice given on the site. If you need help urgently, please see our mental health web guide which can point you to expert advice and support.

that light at the end of the tunnel isnt a train....stay on track!

(971 Posts)
VicarInaTutu Thu 02-May-13 23:31:36

thought we had better have a new one - old one nearly full. Think this is our 4th thread now....

linky to old one here

so, here we go....title a little more optimistic than i feel but im sure i will get back on track soon.....not doing bad particularly, just feeling a bit consumed with things....work is so intense. id forgotten.

anyway....nuff of me. over to you guys....
hope everyone manages to find us to say "hi"....welcome old and new.

Would it help if I pretended to be Helles Ed and give you a kick?!

Hi snowy sounds like you've been having a productive morning.

Vicar sorry to hear about your DS and really sympathise with not wanting him home. Time to start looking at some independent living options? There are a number of charities that run houses that enable half a dozen or so adults like your DS to live independently. I hope you can find something like that.

I have managed to get supermarket shopping done and some hoovering and hanging up of washing. Do you guys get any satisfaction from getting stuff like that done? I did on Wed but def not today. Ho hum. TV break now and then DD has a friend round after school (DS going to a friends) so should be an ok after school session. I think a bottle of wine might be opened tonight!

take care all x

LEMisdisappointed Fri 17-May-13 14:36:48

Oh, it would appear that i am a slut - i have always washed my hair in the bath grin Actually quite proud of slut status!! Glad you feel better after having bath and the sluttish hairwash smile

Vicar - that is frustrating news about your DS, i understand you must feel very cross with him just now - but like the others have said, he hasn't wasted three years, he will have learnt and developed along the way - i think one of the lessons he does need to learn is that you can't always pick up the pieces for him and this is one of those times i think you are going to have to let him sort things out for himself - it will do him good i think. Tell him to talk to his tutor and leave the ball in his court - There may well be something he can do - one of my friends in uni didn't get her dissertation in and failed the final year, this was due to no other reason than her taking on too much - trying to combine degree with business. She repeated the year and got her degree. So all is not lost, however your DS needs to do this for himself. When do you go back to work - can you medicate and go to bed? What happened with your complaint? I know what you mean about not wanting him to come home - i was talking to my counsellor about my DD1 today and i said whilst i love her to bits, the thought of her coming home fills me with dread! FWIW she dropped out of college, didn't even get to uni - she was capable but bone idle lazy! She is happy, she has a job (ok, its not wonderful but she enjoys it and it pays ok) lives with her DP and they have a nice little life together. She still has a lot of growing up to do but she'll get there.

Notsoblonde, please take the meds, i am not 100% sure but i think sitraline is one of the SSRIs with the fewer side effects? going by my citalopram they can make you feel spacy and sick for up to about a week but it does get better. Actually i just felt knackered when i first started taking them, no other physical side effects, i did feel a bit more anxious but my doctor prescribed some diazepam which helped alot. We are all here to hold your hands and you can run any weirdness past us, we have all, sadly, been there!

Snowy I hope you get your housing forms sorted - could you email them across possibly? I hear you re the people, i went to M&S today and bought some salad stuff (i can't fuck salad up - i froze cooking dinner last night and we needed to get takeaway when we can ill afford it blush) I was thinking along the lines of , hey at least i wont screw this up, but then nearly ended up having a panic attack due to all the bloody people in there!! I managed it though - just hmm

Ed that broach is very cool - you clearly have a talent there to be nurtured!!! Glad you are feeling good today - long may it last!!!

I actually feel ok (ish) after a really shitty couple of days - I froze cooking dinner last night, DP was not impressed really and we ended up with kentucky - it was nice though blush. I keep doing this, freezing whilst doing simple tasks. Ended up in tears. Hardly spoke to DP for the rest of the night. Felt terrible this morning, woke up into a panic attack. But i went to my counselling,, had to cross a bloody fucking railway crossing, this is fast turning into a phobia - there was a bloody train in the station, it made me feel sick. Anyway, my counsellor was really young hmm well, probably not but well....... blush I thought i wouldnt gel with her, but actually she seemed good - there was a few times when i could see i was boring her (i talk alot - does that surprise you?) anyway, I came out of there feeling quite positive, which surprised me really - I just spoke for the whole 50 minutes but she said that she feels we can fix things. I hope so. Have decided that i am not going to get my tarantula until i am better (also we can't afford it just now) so i will have something to work towards. Oh and a job - don't forget the job!!!! She said she is going to take the stick away from me that i beat myself with - i liked that metaphor!

Colouringinqueen hope you are OK

Love to all x

LEMisdisappointed Fri 17-May-13 14:39:14

Cross posts CiQ - definately have the wine!! I am going to a quiz at the school so i have restricted myself to beer otherwise i will sit and guzzle a bottle in two hours and will make a tit of myself again You do sound a bit more upbeat today. I hope that is reflected in how you are feeling x

VicarInaTutu Fri 17-May-13 14:47:22

apologies as ive not quite kept up with the entire thread due to shitey shift work....

but blonde - im on sertraline. The first time i tried it i stopped within days - the side effects made me feel awful - whoozy, sick, light headed, no appetite, chattering teeth....but they do all go - you have to just stick with it. I kept going because i was signed off work and knew it would be the only chance i had to take them - there was no way i could cope with the weirdy effects while working - but they do subside and then go altogether - it just takes a good few weeks. I started out on 50mg and am now on 100mg, took about 6 weeks to get onto full treatment dose, but luckily when i upped the dose i didnt suffer from the side effects again - it just takes time.

not heard from uni or ds today. ciq supported living is, to be blunt, like rocking horse shit for someone as "able" as my ds.

im blocking it all out for today. i have to go to work soon.

SnowyMouse England Fri 17-May-13 16:14:46

That's a shame vicar sad I think it's a gap in services, when I was at uni a lad with Asperger Syndrome had similar issues, ending on redoing a year where he didn't know anyone, and then in a flat by himself.

I hope work goes well, vicar,

LEM, it'd nice to hear that you're okish smile

Wine sounds in order, CiQ

I've just had veggie takeaway pizza, definitely low the past few days now, I eat when I'm depressed.

SnowyMouse England Fri 17-May-13 16:28:59

I'm still feeling very low, I'll contact someone if I don't pick up over the weekend sad

Poor you snowy hope you pick up a bit. Pizza sounds like a very good idea.

vicar sorry - like snowy says seems like a gap there then. Hope you manage to get something figured out.

Have sent DD and friend down to play in the wendy house with a load of cushions and toys and treats as I can't quite face them in the house all the time. Hopefully they'll last down there a while. Not feeling too good this pm. Anxious and lots of negative thoughts. Have GP apt next week which is just as well I think.

LEM enjoy the quiz smile they're good fun and I find useful to have the actual quiz to focus on iyswim rather than only general chit chat. Good luck! Another person who washes hair in the bath here too! Really glad to hear you found the counselling helpful. When I looked at a photo of my counsellor (before I met her) she looked about 23 and I was a bit hmm but either it was an old photo or she'd been photoshopped! I think she's slightly younger than me but is still good. Hope you get on well with yours - I think that's really important. Sounds like a v good idea to have a tarantula incentive! Though I think for many people it would work the other way round wink.

brew for anyone who needs one!

LEMisdisappointed Fri 17-May-13 16:39:53

<<hugs snowy>> we are all here x

HellesBelles396 Fri 17-May-13 20:24:33

Glabella even now that I have realised that my marriage was abusive, I will definitely not be talking to my parents about it for that very reason. I know one or both of them would say something thoughtless that would hurt me.

Snowy I know pizza isn't healthy but at least you got the one with veg on. I hope tomorrow dawns brighter for

Every one seems to have done something useful today which is brilliant.

SnowyMouse England Fri 17-May-13 21:10:22

Thanks for the hugs, this thread makes such a difference. Just came to say good night all tomorrow's a new day.

bassetfeet Fri 17-May-13 21:24:09

Vicar dont lose heart . I totally empathise with your frustration and fear for him . Your anger . Not wanting him back home for now.
All may not be lost . Others have more knowledge than me but surely he will have some merit for work already done re points /diploma etc.

My younger son was a right nightmare and did not have Aspergers . He wasted time ,sat up most of the night ,left uni after 2 years ,ran up bills that made me weep and often went AWOL .
The only way I could communicate with him was through leaving him letters . Face to face didnt work . Too much shouting and me weeping .
It worked eventually confused No one can resist a letter and it gives time to consider reply and behaviour. I always finished by saying I loved him BUT life at home had to change .

He found a job as baggage handler , delivery man , kitchen help in restaurant ......... time passed and he matured thank goodness .

It is early days Vicar is what I am trying clumsily to say . Lads seem to take longer to know what they want to do . Mine took until around 23 /24 to have a career in mind and the focus to do it .

His experience at uni is not wasted . He will have learnt a lot about life while out the family home as well as skills related to his degree .

You can change some family rules now he is coming home . It took me a long time to disengage with the worry and the financing .

Thinking of you and do truly understand your feelings . Your son is more vulnerable of course so please excuse any ignorance or crassness in my words.

The son who turned me grey overnight is now one of "you lot " grin .........and far more sensible than me . Think his life history may have made his application more lively .
Time my love. Time xxx

bassetfeet Fri 17-May-13 21:29:19

Ah Snowy hold on lovely lady . You are so wise ..tomorrow after a sleep is indeed a new day . sleep tight and god bless xx

bassetfeet Fri 17-May-13 22:10:41

This has been a hard week for so many of us . The not knowing how we will feel day to day is exhausting and I always feel unable to plan in advance do you ?

Got my hair cut yesterday after avoiding for 6 months . Did the walk of shame to my lovely hairdresser . She seems to know my anxiety so washed .cut and styled within 50 minutes bless her .
A big thing for me and can now plan a lunch for ex colleagues next week . I cancelled last time . The fact these people keep faith with me is .........I dont know the word . humble ?

Unmumsnetty hugs to all feeling scared and low tonight xx

Thanks Basset and well done you for getting your hair done smile. Really glad to hear your colleagues are sticking by you.

Youre right about it being a bumpy week for many. Hopefully next week will be calmer.

Dh bought me a box of chocs to cheer me up tonight which I really appreciated - and were yummy. Feeling rather purposeless today, something to reflect on over the weekend.

Hope everyones having a peaceful evening x

bassetfeet Fri 17-May-13 22:49:44

Night night CIQ . Nice gesture from your DH. Dont ever think you are not loved and needed xx

Evening all.

I really feel I've turned a corner this last few days. I think what has made the diffrence is that up until last weekend I constantly had something practical looming. Brownie holiday. Then dd3s birthday and party. Then dtds birthday. Then their party. Now I have nothing practical. Of course I have decisions and stuff but I don't have deadlines for cleaning the house for eexample. It's the fixed deadlines which have been leaving me paralysed in bed I think.

I have done a couple of loads of washing today.
Dw
Stripped my bed (I have a new duvet cover on and is crunchy and chemically smelling so I am not impressed).
All my butchers shopping is done...somehow I bought enough meat for 4 meals in 3 days...I'll have to put some in the freezer hmm.

Have a day out tomorrow. There is an open day at a local kids activity centre so I am taking dcs....will give me some motivation to get up and get going.

I did good. I feel chirpy. But no bath or shower...will have to do that in the morning.

vicar chin up. I suspect your ds will have options when the dust has settled. I am pretty sure that the 1st tear of a degree is often equivalent to a diploma as a fall back option. He may also have the chance to resit ghe whole year. Far from ideal but a possible option.

lem I like talking too grin. I would love to do.pub quizes but wouldn't know where to start...I guess you need rl friends that are up for it too...

basset I'm a hair cut avoider....I usually hack my own and promise to get it done properly next time....

ciq I need to do dome shopping at some point....its been a couple of weeks since I did a proper supermarket shop...will have to drag dd3 round this weekend....if only I had dragged myself out of bed earlier today...

snowy one day at a time. You sounded comparatively upbeat tge last day or two and now you sound so flat again. Can you recognise any triggers?

Sending hugs to everyone. Long day for me tomorrow so best get some sleep. Love to all and one foot in front of the other...

VicarInaTutu Sat 18-May-13 01:01:50

hi everyone. just a quickie
thanks for the advice and kind words re ds, i am feeling its all a bit hopeless right now.

he cant repeat the year - he repeated a year of A levels so cant get student finance for a 4th year.

he was doing a computer science degree - he is already a computer programmer part time - it should have been a doddle but he has wasted a lot of time - last weekend he was home and just would not get out of bed to do any work. i got sick of constantly chasing him. He knew he had this deadline - his advisor had asked him if he honestly thought he could meet it and he said yes.
then he laid in bed or went out when he should have been working. He cannot claim mitigating circs due to him accepting yet another extension. he has pushed and pushed his luck with extension after extension but these last 2 assignments he hasnt seemed to take seriously at all.
i have text him today to ask him to go and speak to someone and find out what his options are now. I am still so fed up with him i cant speak to him - but i have told him what his options are NOT. I think he honestly thinks he can just come home and be babied for ever, he earns £400 a month and yet he never has any money, i end up paying for hair cuts and clothes and shoes because he just wont, his hair ends up looking so dire that im ashamed of him and end up paying. same with his clothes - he walks around in shoes that are literally falling to bits but wont go and buy any.
if he thinks that he is just coming home to be looked after for the rest of his life by me he has a rude awakening coming.
ive told him that i will always support him but that he has to get a job after uni no matter what.
i think he thought that if he didnt get his degree he could come home and do nothing all day except walk to tesco with his aspie mate up the road.

we have reached a stage where we cannot live together for any length of time. He ends up making me ill. Ive told him this but i dont think he believes me.

hoochymama1 Sat 18-May-13 09:18:06

Vicar I think you are right, and it would not be good for him to come home. Does he have depression? We work with AS people with this, it is common.
Love him and let him go, you would not be helping him by having him home. Each local authority has an aspergers lead,who is in charge of provision of services for AS people, find out who it is and contact them? Request a LA assessment of his needs, even if he falls below their criteria he could be supported to get a council flat and help with benefits.

My sympathies, though, my DS [22] failed his 2nd year three times shock due to depression, last July police had to break down the door of his flat, then crisis team, consultant Psych, he got a job as a caretaker and has lived here for the past year, he has been great, and helped and given us money. Sheffield uni have now said he can resume course(Physics) We have agreed he can live here & commute. It means two more years of him herehmm.

These unis are flexible. DS has continued to get fees and grants (so don't let them tell you it's not possible).

He has sorted it all out, tho I did send a scorcher of an e-mail to the head of his department, mentioning disability and equality acts, which, I think scared the shit out of them. AS is specifically mentioned in guidance to these acts, as is depression.

((( Snowy )))

Basset hair cut for me today, I'm trying not to panic.

LEM I too wash my hair in the bath!

Blonde it's my 5th week on Sertraline, one week on 50mg, then onto 100mg. I still feel sicky, spaced out, but it's taken the edge of my depression, and enabled me to carry on with the placement. Some days I actually feel happy now, and life doesn't look so bleak.

CiQ glad your feeling better.

Glabella DF is probably scared and confused, but that's not your problem. Use their help to get through this time and let them look after DD. You will feel better, be patient, be selfish and look after yourself.

My cooking ability has gone down the pan.From nutritious meals in the slow cooker to pizza and oven chips. DS said the other day 'we eat such rubbish these days, it's great!'. Maybe slow cooker meals weren't as nice as I thought..

Foolishly invited the neighbours round for a game of Risk tonight. I just felt so guilty that my kids have no fun. Dreading it now! I'm providing more trash to eat and their bringing pudding. I hope I cope and don't have to retreat to bed.

Love to Ed and Helles, blowing far away kisses to Nana.

Hope everyone has a lovely day today smile

Hi all

ed I'm so pleased you are doing better the last couple of days and thanks for the lovely long message (grin). Hope your day out with the kids is going well.

vicar insisting on independence for your ds sounds like an very good strategy. Good luck.

hoochy sounds like you've had a tough time with your ds too. Glad to hear he's doing better even if he's still at home. Good luck tonight. I'm sure you'll be ok when you get stuck into the game (smile).

Not to bad here. Feeling frazzled after taking kids summer (!) Clothes shopping for 2 hours. But got practically everything on the list so that's good. Dd at party now and ds playing computer games... brew time

bassetfeet Sat 18-May-13 16:21:39

Snowy .......how are you feeling today ? you sounded so low last night . Hope today felt better flowers

SnowyMouse England Sat 18-May-13 16:26:06

Thanks bassetfeet, still low, just need to get through til next week

bassetfeet Sat 18-May-13 16:51:58

Sorry to read that Snowy. Weekends can be so isolating . Time stretching for ever or so it seemed .

Do you feel up to doing a bit knitting ? the rhythm can be soothing .

Anything we can help with ? x

SnowyMouse England Sat 18-May-13 17:08:06

I've just ordered pizza again hmm

I've tried to get a jigsaw out, but I'm not concentrating enough to do it.

It's nice to be able to chat on here, nearly half way through the weeknd, got to be a third or something

bassetfeet Sat 18-May-13 17:32:38

Jigsaws seem to need a lot of focus and eye hand co-ordination for me if low and anxious . So get what you mean . I get mithered to use old fashioned word.

Pizza sounds fine and tasty ........glad you feel able to eat . I am having beefburger buns with salad and fries for us tonight. Lovely burgers I got half price in Aldi. More fries for Dh and defo more salad for me blush.

Not much on the telly but will put it on for background noise anyway and keep half an eye on Britains Got Talent .
Always a bath later before bed that adds time up .

Yup you are half way through the weekend now Snowy . xxx

Was out 10 till 5.30.

I'm exhausted. Going again tomorrow...but taking a book to read on the banks of the river.

If the dcs had done todays activities at butlins it would have cost me about £500 to do them once each. Instead it cost me £4 (which would have been refunded if I didn't lose my tickets) and they did them over and over and over again.

Fab day. Absolutwly shattered. We are were all happy....--but now tired and grumpy--

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now