I am on a self destruct mission

[LEMisdisappointed]

I seem to be determined to destroy myself. Myself? I don't even know who that is - I am not sure i want to know anymore - i used to be a nice person.

Now i just exist, it seems - I fucked up my job so i left (weak), I haven't even been able to go onto a job website - its like there is a steel vault door between me and things like that. I just CAN'T do it, I am so very ashamed of myself, embarrased to be me.

I was OK when DD was home from school but now she is back and i have days of nothing, just nothing. Oh, there are plenty of things for me to do, but i can't - yesterday i washed up by hand because the logistics of unloading and loading the dishwasher totally flummoxed me

I have been taking my meds - citalopram, so that is good right? Not when I am taking them with alcohol it isn't - i don't even want it FFS. There is no more alcohol in the house now so i wont buy anymore - that has to stop.

I am sorry if this is TMI but last night, me and my lovely DP were dtd (you know!!) and i was laying there thinking of ways to kill myself

Please don't tell me to call the doctor or counsellors - i don't think they help, in fact i know - i was given an assesment for counselling and told a counseller would be in touch but also that i will have to pay - I can't pay, i dont work and our finances are tight, i can't waste £10 a week on counselling. Never mind that i woul have to take a bus - thats £16 a week, i can't do it.

I feel let down by the medics to be honest, its like they have told me that i will be ok on the citalopram, i was ok, becuse DD was home - she is my world, i feel like i can't live without her home.

I don't want this life anymore, i thought i could get back to the old me - i can't, im broken and its permanent.

[LEMisdisappointed]

anyone?

[mayihaveaboxofchoculaits]

LEM you are a nice person, the nice person you always were, but that person is going through a really tough time. I'm reading what youve written and my heart goes out to you, and I wish I could help. It seems like whatever happened at work has knocked you for six, and this is effecting how you feel about yourself in other parts of your life.

Dont know about anybody else, but I too fucked up a job, in the past ,and crawled under a stone so to speak. Im sure other people can emphaize and suggest lots, but maybe one thing to do is to do something practical and not connected. Are you claiming all the finances you are entitled too? Maybe contact CAB if you need advice on that.Set out a timetable of things you can do whilest you are off work, paint a wall, repair a household object thats been bugging you, take your dd out somewhere cheap and nice everyday.
Fucking up is part of the human condition, but it doesnt define who you will be. You must be a nice person because you care so much, just care in a constructive way. x

[LEMisdisappointed]

I suffer from anxiety and I just feel like i want to start screaming and not stop - my life was not meant to end up this way.

Bloody COW from the school just asked me what i would be doing now i am not working (its been a while) and i said i was taking some time out too embarrased to say im unemployable and she said, oh well go and put your curlers in and get DPs dinner ready for him - i wanted to die on the spot.

[GracieLoo]

I'm currently signed off sick and in self destructive mode too. Especially with the alcohol, didn't want it last night but made myself drink. I feel like I'm failing myself and dd by not working, and I'm too ashamed to tell anyone. There's no way I can back and face everyone at that job now.

I just want to escape. You sound like me and worry about what others think? Are you on waiting list for counseling or anything?

[LEMisdisappointed]

on a waiting list - but i think its one of those never ending ones :(

[mayihaveaboxofchoculaits]

Oh no!

Why do these people always pop up when you least need them? Where are the kind practical people when you need them. They are out there you know.
Dont know what you are interested in but volunteering at the CAB is a really worthwhile (necessary) organisation and the training is really respected by ,well everyone.
Its gets you away from spending toomuch time in the house.Even if you feel safe there, atm.
It is hard ,but its about reframing how you see yourself. Obviously schoolyard person was the wrong person to met today and her response was stunning brainless. But that image is not you.

[Weegiemum]

You might need to change your antidepressant, Citalopram doesn't work for everyone and there are plenty to choose from. I know you don't want to call the doctor, but if they're not helping (and if your thinking about ways to kill yourself at any time, not just when you did) then they aren't, but that doesn't mean that a different medication won't work.

All the stuff you describe about not even being able to figure out he dishwasher is something I can so easily relate to. You need some help and support to be the real you. I spent years thinking I was broken and that there was nothing that could help, and I'm still struggling sometimes, but I'm much better than I used to be. No one should be beyond repair. Your love for your daughter shines through and you clearly have a loving dp.

I don't know what else to say to help you, but please post on here if it helps you sort out your thoughts xxx

[TirAnna]

Some good advice about volunteering above

If you're not feeling up to that yet, can you maybe set yourself a time period of a few weeks (say) where you decide in advance that you're absolutely not going to do anything involving looking for a job or any other big practical things that you feel you need to sort out? If you decide in advance that you're not going to do anything like that then it might help you to stop feeling like you've failed at the end of every day when you haven't made any progress with it, iyswim, rather than constantly setting yourself unattainable targets. And then you can focus on building up from small achievements like going for a walk, or reading a book, or anything you do feel up to that day. At the moment it sounds like you're trying to worry about everything at once, and that's not going to get you anywhere - there's just no way you can expect too much of yourself when you're in the position of crippling anxiety you describe.

And you will get your old personality back, like mayIhave says you haven't really changed - that person won't be gone, just buried under a whole heap of stress and bad feelings that it's very difficult to see past at the moment

I know you mentioned not wanting to see a doctor, but have you told anyone that your citalopram's not working? They may be able to try a different medication even if you're not able to see a counsellor at the moment.

[TirAnna]

X-post re switching medication!

[ktb123]

Hi Lem. You're not alone, I am in exactly the same position as you. I have lost all my confidence after quitting working, and actually I quite enjoyed my job. I started having anxiety and then insomnia and just couldn't cope with being at work. I have now decided to not put myself under any more pressure and quit my job. Like you though, I dont know what to do with myself. I'm going to the gym a few times a week, but apart from that have been stuck at home. I've just started counselling through the NHS and hope this will help me get my anxiety under control, sleep better and give me some more confidence again. I think TirAnna has given us both some good advice, and focus on small achievements for now. I can't even think of returning to work for the forseeable future, but maybe volunteering even one morning a week might help. I feel very lonely at home on my own, and wonder what has gone wrong with me - why cant I be normal like everyone else. But I know anxiety is stopping me. I too look forward to when my DD's come home for company. Maybe we can support each other through this!

[LEMisdisappointed]

ktb - thankyou, an d thanks to everyone else - i feel a bit better although i had a scary moment earlier on where i stood on the corner of my road on my way home and thought - i could just keep walking (to the railway line as that is how i will die) and it would be quick and over, but i didn't because my my DD, i couldnt do it to her, she adores me and is the most loving and beautiful little girl ever.

I have sent an email to the local foodbank - was too scared to ring, but thats something, i hope they get back to me. I think it will help me to get out and about instead of festering all day here.

ktb there is a thread in MH that is great for support, its called Andes up.......etc you would be more than welcome there for support.

I have decided to stop drinking

[Bakingnovice]

Lem was it you who posted about your size and being ok with your size? If so I really hope the nasty comments on that thread didn't make you feel worse than you do. You seem to have a lot going for you, you are kind, bright, intelligent and have a wonderful dd. and remember there is only one way for you to go now: up. When I've hit lows I remind myself of that and sometimes it really helps. Wishing you well.

[mayihaveaboxofchoculaits]

Just checking in to see how you are, lem and its great that you have hit a chord with mners here. Just one thing(and im not a professional or anything) but when you said " to the railway line..how i will die", I do(really) understand the wierd security you can get from this, but it really isnt a safe place for you to put your mind.If its possible to break the solace of the habit its really worth working on. On this one point alone, I think you should see a doc (not a counsellor-) or call Sane or Samaritans.
The last two wont mind and you need to vent safely in as many ways as possible.You will always be your daughters mother and she will always need you to look after yourself. tc x