So confused and anxious about my future, can't see forward? Sad sad face

[ladyjadie]

Hi anyone, I have been feeling the same for so long now that it feels like my brain has become mush. I've been treated for depression since I was 16. First suicidal thoughts when I was 11. Tried every therapy going (startng with counselling, then CBT for years, last few years Cranio-Sacral therapy, EMDR, Somatic experiencing, art therapy, even hypnotherapy. Tried (not all but seemingly) every AD under the sun. Some don't work at all, some for maybe a week then back to the old feelings. I've read self-help books but always finish them and think, 'Ok, so now I know all that, but I don't feel any different'

I just feel my life is pointless. I know I have co-dependancy issues. I've been in 3 LTR (my first, when I was 16, was EA and DV so coloured my entire future feelings on relationships, the next two EA but I also was EA)

But basically I am having major worries now about my future work-wise. My first bf ripped up my UCAS form 'because I was gonna marry him and have babies)- R ended a year later (no marriage, no babies), I went straight into working at 19 as a waitress which I hated but it was money, then I worked as a shop assistant for 6 years. I was fine with this at the time although my area manager disliked me (and admittedly I didn't really apply myself as I simply didn't care much) so never got promoted.

I am lucky enough to have a great DP now and he has inspired me work-wise to want to have a career instead of jobs which I can't see myself doing when I'm 50, say, but having not been to Uni and not established myself anywhere I have found myself stuck in a circle of feeling useless as I have no skills, thinking I want to/should go to Uni as mature student, worrying I am not good enough at anything to start Uni, having no idea what I would even do at uni as I have never known what I wanted to do in life

I feel like I would be great at something, but have no idea what that something is. All my friends have seemed to have known, and studied it or just done what they loved and 'come across' jobs and worked their way up from there.

Partly (maybe?) because of my MH issues I have simply just not cared enough about anything to take it further. I don't think I want kids (which is another route some friends have taken) and it seems those are the only options in life, and I am just such a muddle. I feel anxious just looking at Uni websites. I also want to go travelling which I feel I am rapidly becoming too old to do (though I know people do it all ages)

I just feel like I always regret everything in hindsight and that I just can't trust myself to make any choices as it will be the wrong one. Sometimes I wonder if I have some sort of SN. Seriously wonder. But I've never been diagnosed so clearly not. It just feels like there is something blocking my brain from working properly, does anyone know what I mean?
People say I'm clever but I can't see it at all. How can I get past this?

Sorry this is so long. And if it sounds whiny and entitled. I just need help. My life just... I just want to be meaningful. To not be a nothing.

[GracieLoo]

Haven't got much advice but can relate to some stuff you're saying. I have no idea where my life is going, or what I want to do. Feels everything is so pointless. Maybe go and speak to someone at the uni?

Sorry for not knowing what to advise, but wanted you to feel less alone x

[GracieLoo]

Haven't got much advice but can relate to some stuff you're saying. I have no idea where my life is going, or what I want to do. Feels everything is so pointless. Maybe go and speak to someone at the uni?

Sorry for not knowing what to advise, but wanted you to feel less alone x

[Shakey1500]

It sounds to me like you've been "freed" for want of a better word. As in, your partner has been both enthusing,supportive and motivational. And it's all at once. I would be inclined to ease up on yourself. There's no rush to begin the rest of your life. Every wrong descision made in the past us just that. In the past. Try not to let it cloud your future. Can you get some careers advice as a starter? What type of things do you enjoy doing?

[ladyjadie]

Thank you gracie, shakey and unfortunately I am 27. I know people say quite young but I feel old (it's the oldest I've ever been )
Yeah, it is the first time I've felt supported and motivated towards this area of my life and I guess it's quite overwhelming. I just want to be an overachiever I think? Or at least, an achiever.
Unfortunately, what do you mean by diagnosis? Depression? I have also been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder by one therapist, but then another person I saw said I didn't have that. However when I did some online research I read that some Drs don't like diagnosing patients with that as it makes them harder to rehabilitate?
I've had some careers advice but I was really in a dark place at the time and didn't know what to do/say so I will try that again I think.

I think I've lived a lot of my life assuming I would be dead by this age, which sounds awful when I write it down but it is true. So I haven't really given it a whole lot of thought.

I love being creative, I love art, illustration, making things look nice, but then I hate the artwork I create! I'm well aware that there are millions of people better than me at what I like doing.

I also love helping people feel good about themselves and trying to help in any way to give them the lives I feel they deserve (which is why I post a lot in the relationships forum) especially as I know how horrible living in unhappy relationships and living with horrible thoughts can be. I am no good at giving MH advice but I try as I can't bear the thought of other people feeling like I have at my worst. I do know what getting out of horrible relationships is like though, and how good it can feel after feeling convinced there is no life after said horrible relationships, so I like to try to encourage or advise people experiencing that.

I'm waffling!

[Shakey1500]

Waffle away! I too have felt the bottom of the barrel depression wise,to the extent of being hospitalised so know about being in the depths of despair. Fortunately I managed to claw out and manage my black companion myself. I'm sure there are online tests that can point you towards what career you may be suited to (i forget the name).

[cjel]

I don't know when you had counselling last but do you think it may be worth trying now you seem supported, I recomend Person centred? I am 53 and half way through my four year college course so pleasedon't leave it till you are as old as me to find out what you want to do!!:) In a funny way your OP sounded quite positive, lots of what you want to do in the future and frustration because you are not there yet - does that make sense. what about looking into somesort of art therapy training you would be helping people and using your art skills? with you life experience I bet you'd be empathic as wellxx

[ladyjadie]

My treatment has been quite on and off in the sense that I have had things like CBT for two or three years and still felt the same, so gave up hope (but returned). The therapist who diagnosed BPD (borderline) left after a year and I have been changed through ascending levels of therapist (cpn up to more specified therapists iykwim). I do feel I have either minimised in the past or just have not been able to articulate how I really feel in fear of them minimising my symptoms/feelings, thank you for suggesting I try now I feel in a more stable environment.. I guess I just hope it will go away by itself (I know it won't).
I really don't want to leave it too late cjel but I think that fear of leaving everything too late sends me into more inertia nonsensically, I just worry I won't be able to fit everything in in its right place.
Thanks for the suggestion of that test, I will look today.

Out of nosiness interest what course are you doing cjel?

[cjel]

I am training to be a person centred counsellor. The counsellor I saw for a long time had done the course and it helped me so much in coming to terms with my abuse in childhood and crap abusive marriage that I decided to start the course myself to see if I could help in the way I've been helped. Getting started is the hardest for all sorts of reasons isn't it? to finally open up is such a risk. I saw people on an off for 20 years until i did this person centred and somehow felt safe enough to take the risk and it was the best thing I've ever done.x (Nosiness welcome):)