I'm depressed for all sorts of reasons - sorry, the brief summary is going to be a bit long...
In a sexless marriage (I suppose that's not entirely accurate as we have had sex once in the last 6 months, but if anything that makes it worse). No physical affection - I've pretty much given up trying after making a lot of effort over the last year as I got fed up with rejection, and my wife appears completely uninterested in even giving me a cuddle.
Currently unemployed - not sure that makes me depressed as such as money isn't tight and I'm happy enough not to go to work everyday, though I miss having the social interaction and it does mean I can't afford to leave which I think I would do otherwise (well I tell myself that - whether I actually have the courage to is another matter). I know I need to get a job, but have no motivation to try - I'm desperately afraid of more rejection and find it very difficult looking for work - it's not like I've done nothing at all and have applied for a few recently, but not really trying hard, I don't know if it will take the money running out before I'm forced to try harder.
I used to do sport very seriously at a national level, but have pretty much given that up since kids came along. I do miss it a lot now, but once again the lack of motivation to try and get myself back is a problem - I am very unfit now compared to what I was and it would take a lot of work to get near where I was, and I also seem to get one injury after another now I'm getting older.
I have virtually no friends. I guess most of the people I'd have called my friends were people I knew through sport, and I have a good community of friends on FB, but not one of them lives within 30 miles, and I don't think I've actually seen any of them in person for over 6 months. I sometimes wonder if this is actually what makes me most depressed - it would at least be nice to have somebody I could talk to.
Oh, and my sister hasn't talked to me for over a year for various reasons which aren't about to get resolved any time soon.
Anyway I went to see my GP about a year ago suffering from depression. Got prescribed ADs and saw a gateway worker - I thought things might be on the way up. Was told it would be 9 months to get NHS counselling so advised to try privately - we were going to Relate at the time and I was advised I might be able to get individual counselling with them, which I did. However I got to the point I didn't feel the counselling was doing me any good, so stopped that. What I didn't realise is that I hadn't even been put on the waiting list for NHS counselling. Also stopped taking ADs about 6 months ago as I didn't feel they were actually helping at all, and I still don't think they made any difference.
Now I find stupid things set me back - today I broke an expensive bit of sports kit and I ended up with no motivation to do anything (was going to do some sport and then something towards a job app, but ended up browsing internet forums to take my mind off how stupid I'd been). I'm also really not sleeping well at the moment - partly a mind thing, partly that I have an injury which means I wake up every time I turn over.
Don't know what to do next. I suppose I hope I might land a job with my half-hearted efforts, at which point I'm determined I'm going to rent a place for myself and try and move on. But with no friends, that's a pretty scary prospect, and still feel so selfish knowing that I'd just be leaving to get sex (not that I'm sure the prospects for that are great - see above what a great catch I am) when apart from lack of any physical contact I actually get on well with my wife. Struggling to see the point of going to my GP again, as what can he actually do for me.
I'm not suicidal, but I'm afraid to say that intellectually it does seem like quite a good option, as I struggle to see how to fix everything. I think if it wasn't that I can see how upset my mum and kids would be it might be more tempting, though like everything else I'm just too scared to take any action other than just bimbling along hoping for a miracle (maybe I should do the lottery).
Reading that back, it's all so narcissistic an self-pitying, but I think it feels a bit better to have written it, though I doubt anybody's actually made it this far.
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Mental health
Need help - don't know how to get it
5 replies
DadIsSad · 09/04/2013 00:22
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