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I don't know what I'm doing anymore:(

(17 Posts)
muddleup Mon 08-Apr-13 23:51:09

I don't want to keep breathing, I can't, it's too hard.
Everything is wrong, me being here is wrong, I should be dead now if everything had gone right but it didn't and I'm still here.
I'm tired of talking and feeling like it doesn't matter.

I went shopping today and the freezer is full but I'm scared that the kids will eat it and then I will have to go shopping again, I would never stop them from eating it but the thought of it going makes me feel sick, I e thrown out all the gravy and pasta to try and stop making me feel like I'm going mad but doing that just makes me look madder and less rational.

I don't know when this ends everything triggers me, makes me feel like I'm going more mad.
I don't know what to do anymore sad

coribells Tue 09-Apr-13 00:01:52

I feel this way sometimes. well this morning in particular. I got through the day by achieving small goals ( actually a big gardening goal) . Life can be very difficult sometimes when it seems no one understands.

muddleup Tue 09-Apr-13 00:55:08

Thanks,
I wish it was just today but it feels like it is something new everyday, if its not the shopping it's the pasta or gravy or toilet roll or the hot water getting used, I can't get a grip and I'm scared, what will be next?

sensesworkingovertime Tue 09-Apr-13 14:55:37

Hi Muddleup, I am sorry you are feeling so bad, are you getting professional help -talk to someone, now, you need to. Things can get better with help.

coribells Tue 09-Apr-13 18:19:25

little things can set you off, I know . Thats the anxiety and it can be treated.

muddleup Tue 09-Apr-13 19:02:48

I have a Cpn and support worker but they are off this week, I'm still waiting on an appointment with my new psychologist but it all feels pointless, I'm just wasting everyones time.
I don't want to live anymore but I'm scared it wont work and I will just have to live with the fall outsad

sensesworkingovertime Tue 09-Apr-13 19:46:31

you are not NOT NOT wasting anyones time! they wouldn't have a job if people didn't need help, they want to help, that's why they are there. Hang on in this week, keep on here for help and positive messages. Is there anyone else you can talk to?

muddleup Tue 09-Apr-13 22:59:18

I can't get it right anymore.
I know I shouldn't be here anymore, it's wrong of me to still be breathing.
There is no point in anything anymore

coribells Wed 10-Apr-13 17:53:14

maybe calling the samirtans might be a good idea if you are feeling this way 08457 90 90 90* (UK)

sensesworkingovertime Thu 11-Apr-13 20:37:07

How are you now?

muddleup Sat 13-Apr-13 00:06:46

I'm tired, empty, scared, am so paranoid, really struggling with trust and who I can trust.
I don't know what I'm doing anymore

Summer115 Sat 13-Apr-13 04:20:26

I think you should relax and enjoy your time.

muddleup Sat 13-Apr-13 13:54:01

I'm not sure how I'm supposed to take that comment Summer115
If I could relax I would, but I cant sit at peace because of the horrible thoughts in my head and as for enjoying life right now I don't think that will ever be a possibility.
Maybe I have misinterpreted your comment, if I have I apologise if I sound off.

NanaNina Sat 13-Apr-13 14:11:49

muddleup I know so so well the feelings that you are describing and have felt this way myself so many times. I have intermittent depression and when the bad days come I too feel, empty, scared and phobic about anyone seeing me in a state. The trouble is depression is a deceitful illness and makes us believe things about ourselves that aren't true.......your support worker and CPN should be back next week and maybe you will feel a bit more supported. Can you say anything else about your situation............do you have any RL support.

As for Summer115 your comment has made me feel angry because you clearly have no idea of the torment of mental illness. I suggest you don't post on MH threads, as only people who have experienced this illness can even begin to understand it.

Sending warm wishes muddleup and just try to take the day hour by hour, looking at the whole day when you feel so crap is just too much.

sensesworkingovertime Sat 13-Apr-13 14:47:05

Hi Muddleup, does your CPN help you when she/he visits, how often do they visit? Have you had a diagnosis and medication?

Sometimes it helps to write things down, have you ever tried that?

Try and look after yourself, hope you feel better, even a bit better soon.

muddleup Sun 14-Apr-13 22:24:34

I see my CPN fortnightly mostly although this time its been nearly 4 weeks.
Sometimes she can be helpful other times I feel like I'm wasting her time, that she doesn't hear me or maybe I'm not making much sense when I do talk.
I have BPD, chronic depression, compulsive thoughts.
I do take medication but I'm not sure how much good it does me.
I'm so tired of living, of putting this smiley happy face on.
I know everyone says I have to stay for the kids sake but I don't see it, I just see what hurt and harm I cause while I continue to stay

NanaNina Mon 15-Apr-13 01:28:51

I think the problem is that CPNs or any other medics can't offer us what we want - to be rid of mental illness. I have had a really crap day today and am upset as started additional meds 3 weeks ago and have been fine, so thought they were working for me, but today has been shite. It's the early hours and only started feeling ok about 2 hours ago so don't want to go to bed.

My CPN is seeing me monthly because I was fine last time she came. I think you are the same person who was asking about sending gifts to a friend who had been sectioned, and if so, you sounded so caring and to be thinking of someone else, when you are struggling so much yourself is truly amazing.

I never really know what BPD is (I know what the letters stand for but will google it. When you mention compulsive thoughts, do you mean in an OCD type of way. My god and depression on top of all that - small wonder yu are feeling so crap. Do your symptoms fluctuate, do you have any good days, or parts of days that are good. I think the trouble is we have no idea how each of us experiences mental illness, other than I think we will all agree it is a torment and can only be understood by people who have experience of it.

I have just heard (from a very reliable source) that the conslt pyschiatrist I was under when an IN (and didn't like one bit - he was so intimidating) is suffering from depression himself, so no one is exempt from this bloody horrid illness. Sorry I'm rambling so will say good night.

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