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Confused and scared

(293 Posts)
GracieLoo Wed 03-Apr-13 22:30:46

I feel like I'm becoming someone else, like this depression is trying to ruin me and it's winning, and one day it's going to get me. I can't relax, my brain won't switch off. I'm looking after my dd, taking her places, I have to, I'm her mum and we're on our own. But I never feel normal.

Anxiety is taking over, I often drive around and around, voices in my head arguing over where I can go, or not to go or something bad could happen there. I over analyze everything. I'm surprised I get anything done, but I do eventually, after a battle with myself.

I'm scared because everyday is a struggle, if dd wasn't here, I definitely wouldn't be. On the really bad days, I feel she would be better with someone else before I damage her emotionally, and she ends up just like me. I think I've ended up like my dad.

Today I've become obsessed with wanting a baby, as I had a dream I did last night. I feel I will have one, I need to or I can't go on. I know this doesn't sound right, but I just desperately want a normal family. Not sure it will ever happen. I just feel so sad and alone, and I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm scared I'm really not well. I'm aware this post sounds like I'm strange, I'm really not, on the outside, but my head feels so messed up.

marriedinwhiteagain Mon 08-Apr-13 20:01:14

You are a caring mummy. If you weren't you wouldn't be on here asking for help. Get your meds adjusted; get some support r/l or on here. I'm not an expert but we all need love and we all need to be loved; expecially your dd who needs you.

Call the Samartan's if you need them; call your hv, go to your GP, find someone who loves you. There are plenty of people who do love you and who do care and lots of them are right here. I care about you just from your posts and also for your dd.

GracieLoo Mon 08-Apr-13 20:22:49

I'm useless, can't even make myself a cup of tea. Just lying on my bed, feel like I can't move. My body feels like lead. I'm letting everyone down. I should be tidying up, searching for a job, or at least getting ready for bed properly. I don't know what to do anymore, scared I'm getting worse and I need to tell someone but I don't know what will happen. I feel so numb tho I don't know if I really care anymore, I'm just nobody when I'm like this.

marriedinwhiteagain Mon 08-Apr-13 20:26:39

I'm not an expert. Phone your local Samaritans and get some help right now please. You do care. You need some help - google Samaritans and phone them - they are better placed to help you than me.

GracieLoo Mon 08-Apr-13 20:27:19

Thank you everyone, it actually helps so much to have some support. I'm not a horrible person, I just think this is getting the better of me and I don't want to be here anymore. I cry about missing dd grow up though. My heads such a mess!

GracieLoo Tue 09-Apr-13 08:36:06

Woken up with this awful feeling inside of me. Want to reach out for help as think I might be needing it, but I've got to bottle it all up and go to a job a hate. I do text the Samaritans regularly as finding it easier than calling them.

AgentZigzag Tue 09-Apr-13 11:21:58

You're probably at work now, but is there any chance you can see someone when you've finished?

You said you're seeing your cpn tomorrow, but did they give you a number you can ring if you need to talk to someone before that?

It's only my opinion, but the fact that you feel ready to reach out for help is a 'good' sign, much worse to know you need help but be unable to take those steps for whatever reason.

Lots of sympathy for you having to pretend everything's OK to go and do a job you hate, just hang on in there Gracie.

GracieLoo Tue 09-Apr-13 20:31:26

I'm seeing my cpn but now I'm scared of saying too much. I'm worried I'm worse than I realise and something will happen, or I'll get ignored and made to feel like an attention seeker.

I feel like I'm just watching what's going on, I don't remember smiling the past few days, I feel vacant, avoiding talking unless I have to. Can't really explain it, it's like my brains not working. The worse thing is I feel emotionally detached from dd, and just doing the basics to get through the day. I cuddle her and say the right things but I have to remind myself to do it, that's the stuff I'm scared to admit. Sometimes I don't want her near me. That's so hard to admit sad

nenevomito Tue 09-Apr-13 20:42:23

Depression is an evil bitch isn't it. It sucks all of the good out of your life and leaves you lying on the floor in its wake.

I really can sympathise about being detached and not wanting your DD near you as I go through the same when I'm really ill, but I can assure you that having a depressed or poorly mum won't harm your DD as much as having no mum at all.

You can get through this. You really can. xx

GracieLoo Tue 09-Apr-13 21:15:29

It's sounds stupid but I don't see myself as depressed or poorly, it's just what I hear others say. I don't know who/what I am anymore, I struggle most days and have suicidal thoughts, so i'm not normal but think its my fault. Trouble is, on the outside I come across fine!

It's so difficult being a mum, life's all about her now, and all I ever feel is massive guilt. On bad days, we get up, I get her fed, dressed etc, put tv on and hide away in my room. We often go out, tomorrow we're seeing friends as then at least she's mixing with 'ok' people, then once we're home I try to be with her, having moments just lying on my bed when possible. I try my best, but I know it's not enough and it's tearing me apart. I think she's wary of me and my moods, sometimes I even feel she's too grown up and sensitive because of me.

AgentZigzag Tue 09-Apr-13 21:36:28

Most parents have a fair bit of guilt over how well they're doing with their children, and 'society' doesn't help because it just piles it on making out parents have to be this kind of saint who always makes the right choices and does the right thing.

It's not possible to live up to that, all everyone can do is try to grope themselves along in the dark making each decision as it comes up, nobody can say how it'll affect their DC in the future.

But what you see as negative things for your DD, I see as pretty positive.

The strength you're showing by meeting her needs is phenomenal, by trying to get help when you know you don't feel yourself is really amazing. I'm not just saying that because I know how bloody difficult it is to make that leap to involve other people.

I really think you should tell your cpn exactly how you feel, and I totally understand what you mean when you say 'I'm worried I'm worse than I realise and something will happen, or I'll get ignored and made to feel like an attention seeker.' but if you're worse than you realise then you need help doubly so, and if you feel you're being ignored, draw on that strength again to tell them more so they fully understand and get their arses into gear.

It's not good if you're feeling suicidal every day, and they shouldn't leave you to cope with that alone.

It could be though that they listen and do something effective so you come away feeling reassured and more in control, I know that's not always the case, but take the risk to tell them and then reassess after the appointment as to how they did?

GracieLoo Tue 09-Apr-13 21:45:25

Thank you so much, what you say makes sense, but it's so hard to think straight and do what's best. I've said about the suicidal thoughts before and was just asked if I'm going to act on them, and try to distract myself. I know all that, I just really don't feel right at the moment. It's affecting my life, dd's life, so I will try to be honest tomorrow. If I don't im going to be so disappointed in myself. Scared. I know nothing will happen, I'll just have to get on with it. Got a plan in the back of my mind how I would end things, it's like a safety net.

AgentZigzag Tue 09-Apr-13 21:56:51

I know exactly what you mean about it being a safety net, it's an option when you've run out of options, and when you know that option is there and you haven't taken it it kind of makes you feel a bit better (well, it does me grin).

Having it there and knowing you have the ultimate control over your life, but that you've chosen not to do it, is control in itself - if that makes sense? You have that control but you've chosen to stay with your DD.

I get that awful feeling when one half of my brain knows all the 'answers' in a 'what would MN say' kind of way, but it's the other irrational side which drags me down so I can't see through the fog to get to a place where I don't feel weighted down by 'life'.

But that's the illness not letting you through, and there is something that can clear the fog, you just haven't found it yet.

GracieLoo Wed 10-Apr-13 20:34:38

Was honest with cpn, I like her and find her good, but I'm on such a low dose and waiting to start new ad's, she said we need to get that sorted. But ive been told i'll get an appt with consultant for a few weeks now and its still not happened. She have me some info on what to do with suicidal thoughts, and sheets to help plan the day when it all feels too much.

But I feel really unstable, and been making arrangements for dd to spent night at relatives so I have an opportunity to end this pain. And having thoughts of buying the pills etc. I don't want to be alone, but I don't want to see anyone. If we see friends, I rush off as soon as I can. I don't want people looking at me, feel they're talking badly of me. I didn't tell cpn this as it's happened since. I don't really know where to go from here, and absolutely dreading getting through the wkend.

AgentZigzag Wed 10-Apr-13 22:18:44

When you say about the plans you have to do the deed I want to say all these things to persuade you not to, to tell you to think differently, make you do what I want, i.e. not do it.

But it's not my place to tell you how I think you should feel, or put pressure on you to do what I say - however much I want to smile

What I will say is that I've been where you are more than once, and still have the (thankfully now) low level in the background feeling quite a lot of the time.

But when I have been at total rock bottom and making my own plans on how to go about it, the bubble that was around me cutting me off from everyone/everything else was just so strong that I didn't think I'd ever be able to fight my way out of it.

The last time I made plans (I can't bring myself to use the proper word for it blush) was 15 years ago, and the biggest thing I've taken away from it is my amazement of the direction my life took afterwards. If I'd have known what was in store for me it would have shored me up and I wouldn't have risked my life.

I met my DH a year and a half after it, married him two years after, and had DD1 two and a half years after. We're still happy and I've been content for 13 years shock This isn't the me who made the plans, I was fucked up, ill, miserable, I still am a little of those things, but not nearly to the extent I was.

What I'm trying to say, is even though I said in another post to try and take things a little at a time, at the same time try and balance that out with not writing off your future, corny I know, but you really don't know what's round the corner and what/who you might miss.

(sorry if that was a bit long)

GracieLoo Thu 11-Apr-13 15:56:06

Tried reaching out to all the support today, don't really know what I expect them to do. I think I'm losing it. Pushed and pushed to the new meds prescription, when I saw the GP to get, he asked nothing, like he didn't know me, gave me a months worth with no questions when I've had weekly batches for a while. Feel everyone's completely fed up with me, don't blame them, fed up with myself. Now I can't stop crying and I've got to get dd's tea sorted. Want someone to listen to me.

GracieLoo Thu 11-Apr-13 18:23:22

Planning to go out for a drink with a friend tonight, come back and take an od! What is wrong with me?! I can't stop thinking about it. I'll put on a front with friend, not a close friend so no way I can say anything, then come home and lose it, I know I will. I've arranged dd to be out, and for next wkend, so if it doesn't happen tonight it'll happen next week. Pls help, I'm not sure what's going on

nenevomito Thu 11-Apr-13 18:29:26

Cancel your meeting and go to A&E. Tell them you are suicidal. Tell them you've made plans and have arranged for your DD to be away so you can. They will take you seriously and get the on call psych out to see you.

Making plans and arrangements like you are doing is serious stuff and you need help now. I've been where you are. I know you may feel that they won't take you seriously or may think you're making it up, but they won't.

Please go and do this. Suicide is so destructive. ODs can go wrong, and then you'll be alive but with serious physical damage. It will screw your daughter up for life. Please go now. Go and get help.

nenevomito Thu 11-Apr-13 18:30:44

Heck, if I'm near you I'll come with you. I'm taking you seriously. I know how dangerous it is to be where you are.

Wossname Thu 11-Apr-13 18:46:53

Please go to a and e or call emergency cpn number if you have such a thing? You are the very best person to be mum to your daughter. She will never get over losing you. You are important, you matter. You need help at the moment to get through this terrible time you are going through and I am so sorry that you feel so bad, but it will get better if you get help and support.

AgentZigzag Thu 11-Apr-13 18:58:46

You know, you can tell your friend.

It doesn't matter if you don't feel that close to them, even if you told someone you'd never met before they'd be concerned and want to help.

You don't know the posters on this thread but we care that you feel like this.

GracieLoo Thu 11-Apr-13 19:39:50

So scared, I'm shaking. I'll just go for an hour to meet the friend, can't really get out of it. I've got so good at putting on a front. I told my cpn about the plans in a vague way, she said to use the Samaritans etc, look at the distraction techniques etc. I just agree as don't know what else to say, but these things mean nothing to me, I think it's gone too far for that.

My closest a&e is too far away, I get too panicky about being there. Sorry to worry others. Stupid thing is, I'm worried that I've hot to collect dd in the morning, but yet I'm planning this. I don't get it?

GracieLoo Thu 11-Apr-13 19:43:01

And do you know what I hate, in my area there are no crisis teams/numbers you can ring up, even if under the cmht. So you have to go through out of hours GP, which I find scary.

Wossname Thu 11-Apr-13 19:47:54

I am so sorry, I have no experience of how you're feeling but maybe you're still making plans for picking your daughter up tomorrow morning because you KNOW that she needs you. SHE is real and she loves you and needs you and you love her, no matter how hard things are. And this terrible depression and anxiety is not the real you, it needs to be treated.

Don't meet your friend, maybe do something completely different to what you intended so that you break the cycle of thinking you're in? if you call Samaritans and tell them what you've been considering, will they stillhelp you get some help tonight?

Wossname Thu 11-Apr-13 19:50:29

Calling out of hours gp is nowhere near as scary as what you've been contemplating. Please, fuck it and call them and take control of this. You can be treated and you will feel better and you and your daughter will be happy xx

GracieLoo Thu 11-Apr-13 19:56:08

This afternoon I felt a strange calm about it all, then got upset about dd needing me but not being right enough for her, then I got agitated and set on doing it. I will just get blamed for coming off the meds and starting new ones. All they care about is medication, not how you're feeling.

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