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Confused and scared

(293 Posts)
GracieLoo Wed 03-Apr-13 22:30:46

I feel like I'm becoming someone else, like this depression is trying to ruin me and it's winning, and one day it's going to get me. I can't relax, my brain won't switch off. I'm looking after my dd, taking her places, I have to, I'm her mum and we're on our own. But I never feel normal.

Anxiety is taking over, I often drive around and around, voices in my head arguing over where I can go, or not to go or something bad could happen there. I over analyze everything. I'm surprised I get anything done, but I do eventually, after a battle with myself.

I'm scared because everyday is a struggle, if dd wasn't here, I definitely wouldn't be. On the really bad days, I feel she would be better with someone else before I damage her emotionally, and she ends up just like me. I think I've ended up like my dad.

Today I've become obsessed with wanting a baby, as I had a dream I did last night. I feel I will have one, I need to or I can't go on. I know this doesn't sound right, but I just desperately want a normal family. Not sure it will ever happen. I just feel so sad and alone, and I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm scared I'm really not well. I'm aware this post sounds like I'm strange, I'm really not, on the outside, but my head feels so messed up.

dogsandcats Thu 02-May-13 11:16:58

There is nothing wrong at all, for anyone, to take each day hour by hour.
Im fact, if we could all magically stop worrying about tomorrows,we would all be better for it.

Also, I do think that quite a lot of people have good times of year, and worse times of year. I have no idea why. Just the way we are made I suppose.

Even if you have messed up, which I sincerely doubt, there is always hope imo.

GracieLoo Thu 02-May-13 11:52:24

I really have messed up.

dogsandcats Thu 02-May-13 12:25:33

How, if it is all right to ask?
Dont answer if you dont want to.

GracieLoo Thu 02-May-13 12:58:55

Everything! I'm trying to make lists, prioritise things, get little things done but then something else crops up, and I just can't cope with it all. I used to be so organised and on top of stuff, now it's all falling apart. I can't think straight and everything seems jumbled up. Feel guilty for posting here, worried people are thinking badly of me.

dogsandcats Thu 02-May-13 13:22:43

We all have days that dont go to plan. Nothing wrong in that.
I was going to do x y and z, but for reasons out of my control, I have done a and b.
Have actually decided to throw the rest of my today plans out of the window, and go with the flow. Feel better now.

I doubt that many people are thinking badly of you.
Heck, they may even think badly of me for all I know.

I do have a theory that some people think badly of just about everyone on the planet.

If you are very concerned, you can name change on Mumsnet.
I dont think I would if I were you.
You could name change, see if you like it or not, and then name change back again if you wanted. I think that is ok by Mumsnet rules.

GracieLoo Thu 02-May-13 20:01:50

I need diazepam, will they prescribe me more? Haven't taken it for a while. Can't stand this

GracieLoo Fri 03-May-13 10:22:18

Felt awful this morning, wanted to ask my friend to take dd but I forced myself to do it. Got washing to do so i'll make myself do that when i've got the energy, just made myself eat a bowl of cereal. But my head feels heavy and muddled still and I want to go back to bed so badly. I don't like this not being able to think clearly.

AgentZigzag Fri 03-May-13 23:03:26

How did your day go in the end Gracie?

You said 'Feel guilty for posting here, worried people are thinking badly of me' and it made me think of the thing I like about MN most.

I have trouble with (what I know is totally normal) the difference between what people say and what they privately think. I'm terrible for presuming they're thinking badly of me and criticising everything about me and think endlessly about what was said, what they meant, how they must hate me etc etc, I can't stop it going round and round in my head afterwards.

But on MN because of the anonymity and the fact that it's not compulsory to post, I feel I can trust it more to find out the actual state of 'how things are'. If I say something, I know I'll be told what people genuinely think, why would they not? And on your thread I can honestly say I believe people are here because they want to be, if they didn't they wouldn't post.

And given that I'm hyper sensitive to any type of criticism (I have it down to a fine art, torturing myself with the results grin), I've not even caught the smallest wiff of anything but care and concern for you.

If there's anywhere I would feel comfortable posting for genuine support, it's here. And I don't say that lightly. (It's OK to allow yourself to get something/help from somewhere).

AgentZigzag Fri 03-May-13 23:09:57

A post you can ignore of course, but I was wondering what kinds of positive things people you know have said they like about you?

GracieLoo Fri 03-May-13 23:36:20

I've had enough I really have, soory and thank you to everyone. My friend said this eve I always seem fine to her so that means this is all in my head and I'm not good enough to stay here. I want to be with my dad now.

AgentZigzag Fri 03-May-13 23:55:40

Don't go Gracie.

It just means, like a lot of people who have to deal with the shit you have to, that you're good at hiding it. She's your friend, I'm sure she'd be mortified if she knew you thought what she said meant she doesn't care for you.

Thinking about how you want to be with your Dad now, don't you think your DD will want to be with you?

Don't leave her alone and without you, she needs you.

Your love for her just shines though in your posts, ride this storm out for her.

Elderflowergranita Fri 03-May-13 23:57:08

Gracie, I've just found this thread. You sound like a lovely and caring mum. Ignore what your friend said - you've probably just become incredibly good at putting on a brave face.

Lots of people care about you, please come back and talk to us.

GracieLoo Sat 04-May-13 00:03:17

She just said I seem fine and shrugged it off, it's not just that, it's everything. I don't want to be a constant worry for people, dd will be fine. She'll know I live her

GracieLoo Sat 04-May-13 00:03:59

'love her'...finding everything hard, can't do this

AgentZigzag Sat 04-May-13 00:06:15

Your DD won't be fine pet.

You're her mum, you only get one.

Please don't leave her, she needs you to protect her from this unpredictable and sometimes depths of hell shitty world.

AgentZigzag Sat 04-May-13 00:13:40

<hug>

Thurlow Sat 04-May-13 10:34:32

Hi Gracie, hope you managed to get some sleep tonight?

I promise you it's all not in your head. Just because people seem to think you are ok doesn't mean that you are imagining things.

Can you call the crisis team again this morning?

Your DD loves you too and though it might not feel like it to you at the moment, she needs her mum. You are more than good enough to stay with her.

Keep talking and tell us how you are x

coxspippin Mon 06-May-13 11:55:49

dear gracieloo sorry you are suffering so- take some rest if you can.

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