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Confused and scared

(293 Posts)
GracieLoo Wed 03-Apr-13 22:30:46

I feel like I'm becoming someone else, like this depression is trying to ruin me and it's winning, and one day it's going to get me. I can't relax, my brain won't switch off. I'm looking after my dd, taking her places, I have to, I'm her mum and we're on our own. But I never feel normal.

Anxiety is taking over, I often drive around and around, voices in my head arguing over where I can go, or not to go or something bad could happen there. I over analyze everything. I'm surprised I get anything done, but I do eventually, after a battle with myself.

I'm scared because everyday is a struggle, if dd wasn't here, I definitely wouldn't be. On the really bad days, I feel she would be better with someone else before I damage her emotionally, and she ends up just like me. I think I've ended up like my dad.

Today I've become obsessed with wanting a baby, as I had a dream I did last night. I feel I will have one, I need to or I can't go on. I know this doesn't sound right, but I just desperately want a normal family. Not sure it will ever happen. I just feel so sad and alone, and I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm scared I'm really not well. I'm aware this post sounds like I'm strange, I'm really not, on the outside, but my head feels so messed up.

GracieLoo Fri 26-Apr-13 23:37:04

Yes agent, I think all that. I don't understand why people want to help. I'm obviously a selfish messed up person for being like this. And now I've been told it's a personality disorder, I can't be changed and I can't live like this and ruin dd's life.

nenevomito Fri 26-Apr-13 23:48:29

I do wish they'd rename 'personality disorders' as frankly it makes my blood boil to see it as its no sodding use as a diagnosis at all. The latest about BPD is that they are considering re-classifying it as a kind of PTSD. There's nowt wrong with your personality. Frankly you seem lovely!

BPD is treatable and DBT therapy is very successful, so the 'no cure' thing isn't so. BPD also seems to be the trendy diagnosis at the moment and you can challenge it if you don't think its right. Lastly, and most importantly, your main diagnosis at the moment is depression and that can be treated and you can get better with support.

Depression can be cured. When you're not depressed you can work on the other stuff that can contribute to the depression. You may even find that when you get your life back on track the symptoms of the PD go away.

You are treatable, you can get better. I know I keep banging on like a broken record, but you can.

If you want to do the right thing by your daughter, talk to your mum to let her know what's going on and that you need help. Keep working with the services to get support while you get through this and get well. That is much better for her than you not being around. Please don't ruin her life by taking your own. Keep fighting instead.

dogsandcats Fri 26-Apr-13 23:57:12

Hi GracieLoo
Having read some of your previous threads, I think the death of your dad has had a massive impact on your life.
Have you ever had any professional help to help you deal with that?

I believe, like babyheave, that you can get better.

AgentZigzag Sat 27-Apr-13 00:19:08

My knowledge of BPD is very limited, but I thought it was known for having a good success rate for the treatment? (although I know it's not as straight forward as that sentence suggests)

I can understand the pain of loathing a part of yourself and the thought of having to live with this part makes staying here feel like you're getting a raw deal, but from the posts you've written, you come across as such a caring and thoughtful person Gracie.

That's not me saying what I think you want to hear, the love you've described for your DD and your family doesn't add up to make how you've described feeling about yourself.

The other thing I wondered about was whether your anxiety was making you reluctant to feel 'better', because part of having anxiety problems is always feeling that 'impending doom', that the moment you start to relax, something awful will happen.

It's a bit of a catch 22 situation where you feel the impending doom which makes you stress, but you can't reduce those levels of stress because if you do you start to feel something terrible will happen, which bumps up the level of anxiety...

(I'm just thinking out loud so ignore if I've read too much between the lines for my own good grin)

GracieLoo Sat 27-Apr-13 08:12:05

Thank you, I have read through what you've all said and the rational part of me knows you are talking sense, and things can improve. It's just I'm caught up in this awful depression, seeing no way out, and the bad thoughts and urges take over. I haven't had proper counseling as such, had psychotherapy but it was quite CBT based. On waiting list for group therapy but don't see how it will help. Feel too far gone, too damaged.

Took a handful of meds last night to knock myself out a bit, still slept badly, kept waking up in a panic. Feeling woozy and fuzzy headed this am. Anxiety has become worse over the last few months, I always have this feeling something awfuls going to happen.

dogsandcats Sat 27-Apr-13 09:18:57

I dont believe that anyone is too far gone and too damaged.
When is your group therapy likely to be?

GracieLoo Sat 27-Apr-13 16:27:15

I have no idea when the group will start. I'm so exhausted today, been shopping and it was hard work pretending to be ok and care about anything. Feel uncomfortable talking about things, just said about the bpd, but I just act like I don't care. I find it so hard to let people get close.

I'm trying to carry on as normal with work and everything but I don't know if it's helping. I'm just getting more tired, more anxious and feel I can't carry on like this.

Hoophopes Sat 27-Apr-13 16:34:08

Group therapy and dbt is the gold standard treatment for bpd. Some people have dbt as inpatient treatment for 6 mons thought that is hard to get. It is in groups as bpd as a psych explained it to me last week involves difficulties with relationship and managing and improving interpersonal relationships is a key part of dbt.

GracieLoo Sat 27-Apr-13 21:06:39

I'm all over the place about what's wrong with me, all these emotions, if things can change etc. Been thinking about stuff that's happened. Childhood was hard, teens were hard due to low self esteem so used to get v.drunk a lot, lived with a bf for few years who cheated on me, then got pregnant by accident, completely guilt ridden that I didn't love the dad but wanted the baby. Had a horrible birth and hated the first few months, think I has PTSD as had all the flashbacks, crying and even now I find it very hard hearing about people expecting and I don't like to hold newborns.

I know people have been through so much worse, but I don't think I cope very well. And why do I really want/need help but can't ask. I'm struggling every day, drinking and SH to get through the evenings, hate everything and everyone right now (apart from dd), so where the hell do I go from here? Had too much support on here I don't deserve! Feel like admitting myself into some ward sonewhere to get better for 6 mths, having dbt or whatever! But that would be admitting I'm ill, desperate and a failure as a mum. Argh my head is going to explode!

AgentZigzag Sat 27-Apr-13 21:20:07

Having mental health problems does not equal being a failure as a mum, or it'd better not or that'd mean I would be a failure too, and going on how my DDs have turned out so far it's not going too badly (without being up my own arse or owt, but they're bloody lovely grin).

There are plenty of problems parents have, none of them are more or less legitimate than what you're going through.

Don't compare yourself to how other people cope, all you can do is the best you can, and that's what you're doing at the minute. It will get easier, but until it does, just hang on in there. You're deserving of every letter that people type to you on here to help you get through this bit, and you're entitled to start as many threads as you like, it's nobody elses business, if they don't like it they don't have to answer.

GracieLoo Sun 28-Apr-13 07:44:19

Woken up in a massive panic about work tomorrow, feel shaky and tense. Want to stay in bed and close my eyes and not deal with anything so all the problems go away. I really feel I can't get up and do dd's breakfast and sit with her, feel so guilty I'm just lying here. Today is going to be a struggle.

dogsandcats Sun 28-Apr-13 08:32:58

From what little I know about depression, there are times when depression is worse, such as 4am, when people go to sleep and when they wake up. At those times,it is just the depression iyswim.
And if you didnt have depression, most of your life would not be a problem.
In other words, at those times, it is only the depression talking. And from what I know, those times you need to ignore your thoughts. Accept you have them, whatever you have at those times, but ignore.

GracieLoo Sun 28-Apr-13 16:48:19

I can't ignore the thoughts, urges to SH get too bad. I can't do this! I'm going to lose everything I know I am. I'm crumbling and no one can help, I've done everything I was told to do this weekend and I still feel awful.

GracieLoo Sun 28-Apr-13 18:52:59

I can't do this! sad

sara11272 Sun 28-Apr-13 18:59:24

Yes you can. No practical advice and about to disappear from computer but wanted to answer. You are doing so much better than you think you are. Someone with more helpful advice will be along soon I'm sure.

dogsandcats Sun 28-Apr-13 19:12:13

[hugs]

GracieLoo Sun 28-Apr-13 20:37:30

Feeling really agitated, not sure what to do with myself. Tried the distraction stuff all weekend but now I can't as can't concentrate on anything, except this bloody site, which I don't know if its doing me any good, but the only support right now.

Got this plan in my head to stay off work tomorrow and do what I had planned last week. Found more pills I had stashed away today, and just can't face work. Get too anxious about it, even seeing work colleagues on fb makes me get worked up! It's not just work, it's everything, looking after dd, she was having a tantrum infront of me earlier and I felt like i'm making her unhappy. Told family about bpd but they had guessed anyway so they will understand why. I also feel very paranoid that someone I know will read all this soon and that panics me.

AgentZigzag Sun 28-Apr-13 22:22:40

Telling your family about the bpd is such a positive step IMO, please let them care for you.

Is being paranoid about someone you know reading this thread and working out it's you just a way of sabotaging another support route?

Like, because you don't feel you deserve it and you don't feel comfortable with people saying nice things about what you've written about yourself and your life, that you're toying with denying yourself what comfort you can get from the posts? Even if it's only a small comfort? A bit of self harm in a roundabout way?

Of course it's completely up to you whether you post or not, but the chances of someone recognising you are miniscule and there is nothing to be ashamed of anyway. Even if they did, so what? It's none of their business and they'd probably be concerned for you rather than the harsh critical judgement you maybe imagine they'd feel.

nenevomito Sun 28-Apr-13 22:24:44

Big WHOOP for telling your family. I know it was hard for you to tell them and that you're having a rough time, but you keep doing these things that will help you get better. Keep fighting Gracie. You can do it. xx

GracieLoo Sun 28-Apr-13 22:54:48

I think things may have gone too far for me to carry on as normal. I know I should get the proper help, I've got things out in preparation. Did it without even thinking. I'm tired but scared to sleep, as tomorrow will come and I don't know what will happen. I've got marks somewhere now, don't want to say to upset people, but might still be there tomorrow. God I'm talking rubbish and not making sense cos I'm scared of saying what's actually been going on in my head this eve. I'm scared.

AgentZigzag Sun 28-Apr-13 23:12:23

Have you been SH tonight? Is it anything that needs to be seen?

Nobody's going to judge you for saying anything on here, only looking at it from a caring and concerned point of view.

If going into work is stressing you out that much is it better not to go in? Can you get a note (or whatever's needed)?

GracieLoo Mon 29-Apr-13 06:47:01

Hardly slept, don't feel able to work but can't call in sick either. Need help!

GracieLoo Mon 29-Apr-13 10:01:46

Haven't gone in, it's all going wrong. I'm making everything worse. I just don't feel right and only feel safe in bed right now. If I get up I'll probably do something stupid. Think I'm losing it, I've let everyone down. Especially dd, this is not good. How can I support her when I can't even work p/t. Can never go back there now, everyone will hate me.

nenevomito Mon 29-Apr-13 11:59:52

Have you called your CPN this morning. I think you need to be back under the crisis team.

You need to start looking for ways that you can get out of this. I know I've said it before, but its babysteps.

Self-harm. Get an elastic band around your wrist - not too tight and when you are thinking about self harm, snap the elastic band on your wrist. It will hurt enough to have the same effect as other forms of SH, but won't cause permanent damage. I'd hate for you to come out of this with scars that make you feel bad. Do you think you can do that?

You need to get your blood sugar up as well as not eating and low blood sugar will make you feel worse. I know how hard it is to eat when you are really depressed, but do you think you could mange something easy like yoghurts or soup. Yoghurts are easiest as they don't need any preparation at all.

Those are two small things that will help you today. Try just to manage those if you can.

GracieLoo Mon 29-Apr-13 13:24:13

I do the elastic band thing sometimes, helps a bit. Just went into kitchen but ended up just getting a drink of water. Feel very paranoid about neighbors and noises I hear, like everyone's against me. Also rang GP for an appt and sick note, he rang back and did it over the phone, obviously didn't want me wasting an appt. Left a msg for cpn first thing and still waiting.

So maybe everyone is against me, not worth it. Going to leave job as can no way go back now. Will being off sick affect other jobs? Everything's a mess, I can't do this! I need to think about a new job now but got no confidence. Want to sleep.

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