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It's all too much (very, very long, sorry)

(138 Posts)
Grockle Wed 03-Apr-13 11:12:56

Right, I need to type this all out in one place instead of bits here & there on different threads. CBA to name-change. I don't expect anyone to wade through all of this but I need to write it to help me figure it all out. Any advice gratefully received, if anyone manages to wade through...

Basically, I am feeling pretty shit.

1) I am suffering with several chronic illnesses (& am probably now depressed). I don't seem to be able to get myself on an even keel. I am always exhausted & go to bed at 7. I don't sleep well because I shiver all night or am in great pain. I can't warm up - even in a bath hot enough to leave my skin red, I still have goosebumps. I'm too tired to speak, I don't want to see people. I can't focus long enough to read or watch tv. I can't walk more than a few steps without great difficulty. I am not able to go out or to look after myself or DS properly. I don't want a life like this & no-one seems to be able to help.

2) Because of all that, I am finding work extremely difficult. I am a teacher but am doing pretty craply - I don't do everything I need to and I am not being the best teacher I can be. I'm too tired to work, I can't speak in proper sentences, I cannot manage my basic workload let alone my other responsibilities. SLT are aware but, tbh, as long as I am at work & they don't need to cover me, they don't care. I have had quite a lot of time off & am having an assessment with OH dr because they are concerned about my future.

3) DP has had yet another breakdown & has gone to stay with his parents. This is the 3rd year he's disappeared for 2-3+ months. We're talking but he's suicidal, I can't do anything because he won't come home but he says he doesn't know why & he's not happy without me confused I don't know wtf to do. I have contacted his dr & mental health people but I can do more more. I'm just sad: I love him & miss him & am angry, hurt & scared about the future.

4) I am haunted by previous MH issues... Jimmy Saville stuff has opened up old wounds, DP's depression hasn't helped & I am back to wishing I'd done a proper job when I tried to kill myself previously. I'm not about to do anything but I am thinking about it lots & am filled with regret that I didn't do it before all this. I have a psychiatrist but am not seeing him til June.

5) I have a beautiful, clever, bright 7 yr old who I love more than anything. This is all having a big impact on him. He's away atm which is giving us both a bit of a break. I try hard not to let my illnesses impact his life - I do lots with him but he deserves so much better than being stuck with me.

I have lovely family & friends who would help me out if I asked. In fact, they help me whether I ask or not & I am very grateful but I hate, hate, hate being dependent on other people.

<sigh>

Who tells you he's going away for all 6 wks? Is there no discussion?

I can't understand how you're still holding down a job with such illnesses - you're stronger than you think you are smile

Grockle Wed 10-Apr-13 17:03:06

There's no negotiation - it's court ordered. I'm hoping that ex will realise it's not good for DS but he usually is very keen in stick to his 'rights' regardless of how DS feels.

I had a lovely morning but had to sleep all afternoon to recover. My DLA appeal was unsuccessful so it's going to tribunal but I really can't be bothered. I'm tired of fighting for everything. The duty psych called me to say they'd discussed me & there is nothing they can do. Maybe i could find a support group on Facebook? hmm. So, if they cannot help someone who has said they are suicidal then it leaves me with few options. Thank you all for your support. I'm not strong enough or well enough to fight any more.

mummylin Wed 10-Apr-13 17:08:21

Oh grockle, iam so sorry to hear that. Do not give up. After your long fight before you can get through this. Didn't realise that the dad was here. I thought he had stayed behind. Can you appeal about the Dla ?

buildingmycorestrength Wed 10-Apr-13 17:16:08

Yes, I think you can appeal the DLA decision. Your doctor is on your side on this, I remember you saying in another thread.

You must fight, if only for your lovely son.

I have had some very bleak times with this illness, thinking what is the point if this is how my life is going to be. But if I can just be a smiling face for my kids to see before they go to sleep, and arms to cuddle them when they are sad, then I have a purpose even if I have to spend the rest of the entire day in bed doing nothing.

Grockle Wed 10-Apr-13 18:13:34

I did appeal, they said no.

buildingmycorestrength Wed 10-Apr-13 18:32:24

But isn't there a sort of second appeal where it goes to tribunal?

Grockle Wed 10-Apr-13 19:28:47

Yes. But I'm too tired for that now. I don't want to fight. I just wanted to live peacefully. I can deal with the pain & fatigue but not so much the doing a crap job at work and fucking up DS and walking with a stick forever when apparently, I am not disabled.

I'm sick of being made to feel that this is in my head. I'm sick of having to prove to people that I am ill. I'm sick of pretending that I can manage.

I can't manage. I wish I could die in my sleep. I've begged for help. No-one will help me.

buildingmycorestrength Wed 10-Apr-13 19:57:22

Have you told your sister about this latest set back?

Grockle Wed 10-Apr-13 20:06:20

No.

I don't want her to panic and she will, which will make it worse. She's lovely & I saw her yesterday. She works really long hours & has a lot going on so deserves night or 2 off. She can't fix anything anyway.

Maybe I should have name-changed for this.

buildingmycorestrength Wed 10-Apr-13 20:21:04

I have called the Samaritans before when the health issues all got to me. That was helpful. Someone just listened as I told it all from the beginning.

Grockle Thu 11-Apr-13 04:04:30

I feel sick. I don't know wtf to do. I could go & cry at my GP tomorrow but that won't achieve anything. He'll ask me what I want him to do & I don't know.

I feel so let down & alone. I've been honest about how I feel & it achieved nothing.

I've begged for help - any kind of help. No one takes me seriously.

I'm scared & exhausted & confused. I can't face a lifetime of this.

Grockle Thu 11-Apr-13 06:05:29

If I do go to GP, wtf do I say?

Grockle Thu 11-Apr-13 06:40:50

I've been awake since 3, fretting. I hate the daytime.

fuzzpig Thu 11-Apr-13 07:47:31

Oh grockle I'm really sorry about the DLA. Just wanted to say though that the majority of cases that go to tribunal win. They seem to fail virtually everyone on application. It was the same with ESA when DH applied. I know it is hard and scary but please do the tribunal (you can request someone from the CAB to go with you IIRC) xxx

Grockle Thu 11-Apr-13 08:17:22

Thanks Fuzz. The report is appallingly written, full of typos & incorrect information. Maybe I'll pursue it but at the moment I'm not in a fit state for anything & I don't think I can do it.

I called my GP this morning & he's away this week. There's no point me seeing anyone else. I was going to call the crisis team but there's no point in that either, as they already told me. I don't need the Samaritans because, much as I'm tempted to 'fall' off the cliff, I don't think I'm in danger today. WTF do you do when no-one can help? I cannot live like this. Something has to change and with no help, there's only 1 thing I can change. I feel horribly anxious, agitated & tearful. I can't do this every day.

The dog gets all upset when I cry so now she won't settle. She jumped on the bed last night to snuggle in an attempt to make me better, I think, but in doing so she scratched my eyelid so now I look even more hideous than usual.

TheSilveryPussycat Thu 11-Apr-13 08:52:39

You could have a look at the Benefits and Work site, which has lots of info about challenging DLA. You've had a reconsideration, did you appeal, it sounds like it if it's going to go to tribunal.

buildingmycorestrength Thu 11-Apr-13 20:05:44

how are you this evening, grockle?

Grockle Fri 12-Apr-13 19:17:48

Sorry, really not been ok. Got DS back but been asleep since we got home. Feel dreadful, physically, and not much better mentally. I wish I could sleep til midsummer & wake with everything ok again. I don't want my life to be like this. I'm having major panics about the future - I honestly cannot do my job any more. I am meeting with occupation health dr this week - I don't really know what will happen or how honest I should be.

I could cope better with all of it if I didn't feel so helpless. I'm usually quite good at working out how to change things & what to do to make it better.

buildingmycorestrength Fri 12-Apr-13 20:12:04

Just offering a gentle hug.

Grockle Fri 12-Apr-13 21:11:13

Thank you - I think I need to address certain things:

1) Come to terms with my illnesses, including new problems
2) Have proper advice about prognosis & how to manage my symptoms
3) Work out how to manage being ill, having DS & other life commitments
4)Decide what to do about work - what I can/ can't manage
5) Work out money/ house stuff & how to survive without DLA or anything hmm (their refusal letter says I don't need DLA because I work)
6) Forget about DP, move on, don't allow him to come back this time

Hopefully, I'll be able to work on 1 & 2 after I seeing GP next week & consultant at the end of the month. Occupational Health will help me on No 4 next week which will mean I can then think about 5. No. 6 I am doing well on & feel less sad.

Really, I just want to hide away & sleep.

Badvoc Fri 12-Apr-13 21:18:27

Sending love grockle.
Sorry I haven't posted much, but what with dodgy teeth and an ear infection I haven't been around much...
X

greyvix Sat 13-Apr-13 01:12:15

Grockle, I am thinking about you. Take time for yourself and your DS.

Grockle Sat 13-Apr-13 04:14:25

Thank you both.

I honestly don't know what to do with myself.

I hate all this night waking. And everything. I hate it all. When this first started, I used to be relieved when tests came back showing nothing - that was good... it meant that I didn't have anything serious. And it's still true, this won't kill me. Nor am I likely to go back to proper good health. Which means never escaping it. Ever. sad

On a slightly more positive note, DS seems glad to be home. He spent the whole day poking me, stroking my arm & kissing me, as if he couldn't quite believe I am real. And now he's sleeping in my bed...'just tonight because it's the first night home.' I wonder what his excuse will be tomorrow night? grin

Grockle Sat 13-Apr-13 06:08:26

Argh! I was awake at 2.30, then Again at 4ish & ice only dozed since then. Now I'll be grumpy & horrid all day sad

TheSilveryPussycat Sat 13-Apr-13 07:56:49

DLA is nothing to do with whether you can work or not shock shock I am horrified.

Aaaw at DS smile

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