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It's all too much (very, very long, sorry)

(138 Posts)
Grockle Wed 03-Apr-13 11:12:56

Right, I need to type this all out in one place instead of bits here & there on different threads. CBA to name-change. I don't expect anyone to wade through all of this but I need to write it to help me figure it all out. Any advice gratefully received, if anyone manages to wade through...

Basically, I am feeling pretty shit.

1) I am suffering with several chronic illnesses (& am probably now depressed). I don't seem to be able to get myself on an even keel. I am always exhausted & go to bed at 7. I don't sleep well because I shiver all night or am in great pain. I can't warm up - even in a bath hot enough to leave my skin red, I still have goosebumps. I'm too tired to speak, I don't want to see people. I can't focus long enough to read or watch tv. I can't walk more than a few steps without great difficulty. I am not able to go out or to look after myself or DS properly. I don't want a life like this & no-one seems to be able to help.

2) Because of all that, I am finding work extremely difficult. I am a teacher but am doing pretty craply - I don't do everything I need to and I am not being the best teacher I can be. I'm too tired to work, I can't speak in proper sentences, I cannot manage my basic workload let alone my other responsibilities. SLT are aware but, tbh, as long as I am at work & they don't need to cover me, they don't care. I have had quite a lot of time off & am having an assessment with OH dr because they are concerned about my future.

3) DP has had yet another breakdown & has gone to stay with his parents. This is the 3rd year he's disappeared for 2-3+ months. We're talking but he's suicidal, I can't do anything because he won't come home but he says he doesn't know why & he's not happy without me confused I don't know wtf to do. I have contacted his dr & mental health people but I can do more more. I'm just sad: I love him & miss him & am angry, hurt & scared about the future.

4) I am haunted by previous MH issues... Jimmy Saville stuff has opened up old wounds, DP's depression hasn't helped & I am back to wishing I'd done a proper job when I tried to kill myself previously. I'm not about to do anything but I am thinking about it lots & am filled with regret that I didn't do it before all this. I have a psychiatrist but am not seeing him til June.

5) I have a beautiful, clever, bright 7 yr old who I love more than anything. This is all having a big impact on him. He's away atm which is giving us both a bit of a break. I try hard not to let my illnesses impact his life - I do lots with him but he deserves so much better than being stuck with me.

I have lovely family & friends who would help me out if I asked. In fact, they help me whether I ask or not & I am very grateful but I hate, hate, hate being dependent on other people.

<sigh>

Eastpoint Wed 03-Apr-13 12:14:35

Just saying hello so you know you aren't on your own. I'm sure someone else will be along soon with some useful advice. brew for you.

missalien Wed 03-Apr-13 12:14:43

Can't read and run but don't have much advice , but I really empathise with you , it all sounds very overwhelming for you, it would break a lot of people . Would writing help you to gain your feet on the ground now and help deal with some abuse issues from your past ? You have a lot on your shoulders but it does need to be let go somewhere somehow . Life can be so tiring can't it !? Have you some nice times and places to look forward to? I hope the better weather we all longfor will help your health too

Grockle Wed 03-Apr-13 13:29:34

Thank you both. I've sort of plateaued into a bit of a depression - nothing awful but not good either. I'm terrified that I'm going to plummet into something horrible, like I have before. If I knew I'd get better, it'd be different. Everything I do goes wrong.

I've often wished that one of my illnesses would kill me but they won't. Then I feel terribly guilty, having watched my father fight for his life. Then I remember my friend who was murdered a few years ago - I feel so stupid and selfish for wishing my life away when hers was taken. He should have killed me, not her.

missalien Wed 03-Apr-13 13:41:09

Look you have a lot of things going on all huge in their own right , I'm in a similar place so can understand . This is your life , here and now , take firm decisions for the better of yourself and your son and move forward and amongst your blessings think of your father, your friend , how far you have come , your son . Look forward in small steps an ill try and do the same . Life can be simply horrific , but you are here and you count and matter and are valued and can still make a difference in the world . See, you posting has helped me too:-)

It can be done ! Sunshine is coming, you will get stronger and further away from the pain and hurt , it's not bad to acknowledge it but if you find you are dwelling , find someone to talk to to let it out , then it won't win .

fuzzpig Wed 03-Apr-13 14:33:57

Hello you ((((enormous yet gentle hugs))))

I think we have spoken a bit before about having similar abuse issues, you know where I am if you need a chat about anything xx

Juneywoony Wed 03-Apr-13 16:38:10

Hi Grokle,

Sounds like you are having a really awful time of things to put it mildly. You have far too much going on to cope with, i am not surprised that the depression has descended.

Sorry if i sound harsh but you say this is the third time your DP has disappeared back to his folks as he is depressed and suicidal........where can you run to? Who is looking after you? I totally get that when your in the depth's of depression that you feel like you need to run away from your problems, i have also been suicidal and felt this way and i went into hospital (although i was younger and had no one who was reliant on me. Maybe he would be better in hospital even.
Sorry if i have got this wrong i do not want to upset you but it just seems unfair that you are both unwell, yet he is the one that can get away from it all while you just have to try and carry on as normal. Do you think it helps him going back to his parents for a couple of months? During this time do you see each other much, does he come to see your son?

I really hope things improve for you soon,xxxxxxxxxx

chocaholic73 Wed 03-Apr-13 17:36:08

Grockle - really sorry to read what you are going through. You have so much going on atm. Can you talk to your GP about the depression side of things? Are you on anything for this? I know it won't solve the problems but it might just help you cope with everything a little bit. Not sure about spoons ... think you need a giant's ladle at the very smallest!! Take care and look after yourselfxx

Grockle Wed 03-Apr-13 17:39:29

Thanks Fuzz... I'd forgotten you had similar issues. Horrible, isn't it? I will PM you later, if that's ok?

Juneywoony, no-one is looking after me. I can't run...I have a job. I have DS, responsibilities... When this all got too much last year, I did run away. I put DS & the dog in the car & drove 200+ miles away where no-one would find us. But then I was reported and it got complicated & the threat of the police looking for me & me being sectioned when found made me come home sad.

I don't know why DP goes. It doesn't seem to help & even he says he doesn't know why he does it. But then he comes back & we work things out & things are good again. It's not fair on DS though (not DP's child but they are very close & DP is more of a father to DS than his own dad has ever been). I don't know if he'd be better in hospital. I don't think he's that unsafe... he seems to make a lot of threats (only to me, never to anyone else) but hasn't ever actually hurt himself.

I'm exhausted - from work, from being ill, from worrying about DP, from not sleeping, from looking after DS, from trying to do 2 jobs, from trying to carry on. DP was my carer & he left me with no help. When he went, I couldn't walk or speak properly. I have managed to carry on, making sure DS is fed & clean etc but it's been really hard. I've lost almost 25lbs because I can't eat properly. I honestly don't know what to do or where to start trying to sort things out. I can't fix my health, I can't make the depression go away, I can't fix DP. I have no idea what has happened to my life.

At times, I feel quite calm & peaceful. But at other times I feel so helpless, so hopeless & pathetic. Verging on suicidal. I don't know... I can't act on anything but those thoughts can be completely consuming & quite frightening. Most of the time I just feel numb, like a shell.

Grockle Wed 03-Apr-13 17:41:41

Choca, I'm not on ADs or anything, only pain meds which don't help. I could contact my MH team but what would they do? No-one can make me better or fix anything. I just want to run far, far away but one thing I've learned is that I can't run from myself.

A ladle would be wonderful.

fuzzpig Wed 03-Apr-13 18:05:48

<sending ladle vibes>

MH teams can provide a CPN to come visit you I think - would that be an option? Even if it was once a week they might be a good person to sound off to, and to check up on you (in a good way)

fuzzpig Wed 03-Apr-13 18:06:36

Oh and course PM is fine smile (better on MN than FB though as FB is still being weird for me)

Grockle Wed 03-Apr-13 19:02:59

I didn't know that... do I need a CPN to come round? I'm very wary of not coping or appearing to have problems in case SS get involved. I don't know why they would but I worry.

I spoke to DS just now & he sounds very happy. I'm trying to do a couple of things for some friends to make them smile. I hope.

fuzzpig Wed 03-Apr-13 19:26:32

It might help - I'm not sure how available the service is but I have heard of people getting regular visits from a CPN. I am pondering the possibility myself, as my MH is not great ATM.

Grockle Thu 04-Apr-13 01:07:56

Thanks, fuzz. I didn't know that was possible. Hope you are ok. Sorry you have MH stuff going on too.

I know I'm on a downward spiral because the insomnia is setting back in. It makes me feel panicky. I don't want to have a crisis confused

Grockle Thu 04-Apr-13 17:15:16

I saw DP briefly today and have fallen apart. He didn't do or say anything, it was all fine. I just hate being 35, walking like an old lady, hobbling down the road with my walking stick sad

I'm in meltdown mode now... I've just driven 30 miles wishing I could spin the car off the road & various other things, slightly less drastic. I felt quite scared so I called the duty MH person to talk some sense to me but she said I'm doing really well & to do some work or enjoy the dog & she'll talk about me in their meeting next week hmm

I don't feel very good at all.

I want out.

fuzzpig Thu 04-Apr-13 19:56:09

Oh honey sad do you know what you are going to do about the relationship?

I'm glad you phoned the MH team. Doesn't sound like the best reaction from them hmm so don't be afraid to keep phoning if you need to. What I found best was to get my GP to ring on my behalf - he was much more persuasive than I had the strength to be. Is that a possibility?

Is there somebody you can drive to tonight - sister maybe? - and just crash on their couch or something - not ideal but some company might help.

Grockle Thu 04-Apr-13 20:15:07

No idea. I need to toughen up really. But I'm too tired now.

3 years of increasingly bad symptoms, of supporting depressed (D)P, working til I collapsed etc... it's just all too much. I can't do this any more.

I told the crisis lady that I was scared & not sure I was safe & she said she didn't know what to suggest but I could ring back if I needed to. hmm

I can't go anywhere because extraDD is here. Don't want to say anything to my DSis because she'll panic & worry. I don't want to be any more of a burden than I already am & I don't want a fuss, I just don't know how to stop feeling like this. It's crept up on me slowly, getting worse each day. I don't know a safe way to make it stop.

sad

fuzzpig Thu 04-Apr-13 21:12:09

When you feel a bit stronger you could complain about the duty MH worker. What the hell kind of response was that?!? FFS. angry

Wish I lived nearer you, I'd be round in a flash (well, a hobble, but still)

fuzzpig Thu 04-Apr-13 21:13:03

BTW. Last resort - go to A&E. xx

essexgirl31 Thu 04-Apr-13 21:22:27

Hey Grockle, I was on the vertigo thread with you a year or so back. I am so sorry to read you are feeling so awful. Big unmumsnetty hugs your way.

Grockle Thu 04-Apr-13 21:39:11

Thanks fuzz. I don't think I'm A & E stage yet. Will see how tomorrow goes.

Hi essex, how're you?

piratecat Thu 04-Apr-13 21:45:04

i have mh probs. long standing and have affected my life. I battled to fight them 'alone' ie without antidepressants for yrs I didn't want to give in.

But depression pretty much took my teens and 20's, so in the end after a huge breakdown, i went to ask for tablets. They probably saved my life op.

I feel for you so much. there is only so much one mind/body and soul can take. You are actually extremely strong, but your body needs help. Consider meds xxxxxx

piratecat Thu 04-Apr-13 21:47:14

your username i like. are you in the west country like me??

TheSilveryPussycat Thu 04-Apr-13 22:26:44

Oh Grockle sad what an enormous amount you have to deal with.

See your GP and ask for a referral to 2ndary services - a psych. I suspect you need more than just meds - it sounds like you need help from actual people. Explain it all, ask what help you can access.

Don't give up hope, keep posting.

sending warm wishes

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