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Please help

(50 Posts)
BloominMarvellous Sat 23-Mar-13 12:46:09

I have posted before about an overwhelming feeling of wanting things to end. It started as a fantasy and it's now a really strong intent.

I can visualise taking an overdose and have had these visions for days.

I promised my therapist I'd call my GP if i felt I would act on it.

I called my GP who referred me to the crisis team who are supporting me by telephone. (weather is too bad for home visits)

They have prescribed me 6 tablets of diazepam to last today and tomorrow. I am just waiting for MIL to drop them round. The problem is I know as soon as I get them I will take them all. The feeling is to strong to fight and that is before I even have them. Part of me feels happy that I have made that decision and I know it won't kill me as it will be 30mg but I know it will numb this crappy reality for a bit.

I just needed to tell someone. I needed to get it out. Part of me knows this is ridiculous but I can't shake this.

Teachercreature Sat 23-Mar-13 13:12:03

BloominMarvellous, well done for being brave enough to admit how you feel. That's a first step. Now please get someone to help you though - you mustn't be on your own. Is there anyone who could come and sit with you? Or anyone you could leave on Skype to chat to? Also try the Samaritans. Or any of the numbers that Mumsnet suggest, or your therapist.

Please, please get help from someone who is trained to support, as fast as you can. I'm hoping a little part of you must want this help, or you wouldn't have posted. Hang in there!

Teachercreature Sat 23-Mar-13 13:31:43

bump

BloominMarvellous Sat 23-Mar-13 14:43:01

Thank you for replying. I have the tablets and the feeling is too strong. I know I am going to take them all. 6 tablets can't harm me though. Maybe I should just sleep it off and hope I feel ok tomorrow? At least this urge will be gone?

Urgh I feel so confused and crap.

Sorry just needed a rant.

Teachercreature Sat 23-Mar-13 15:01:14

Ranting is good - much better than bottling it up. Again, please please get someone else to help - you really need support right now, and someone "real" to talk to. Conversation with a real person who knows you and your circumstances will help to balance out the negative thoughts and keep them at bay.

In the meantime I will pass on something a counsellor once taught me: try to think of anything good that you can. ANYthing. Even as small as, ice cream tastes nice. Or the snow looks pretty. It helps to balance out the crap!

With the tablets - I was previously given Diazepam for a back injury. After a few days it made me feel very very down emotionally and tearful and a GP told me they can have a depressive effect, so PLEASE be careful with them. Sleep is good, but drug-induced sleep less so.

I really really hope you feel better soon, and that you are able to get support from somewhere ASAP. Don't give up!

BloominMarvellous Sat 23-Mar-13 15:26:32

I feel stupid sad i rang crisis and told her that if I took one I will take them all because the urge is too strong and she didn't know what to say.

She couldn't suggest anything other than take one and go straight to bed so I don't take any more.

I feel like I'm wasting everyone's time. I feel so silly after telling her that I wanted to take 6 measly tablets. She has probably dealt with people who have taken a lot more sad

Teachercreature Sat 23-Mar-13 15:42:05

Well done for calling them, and you should most definitely not feel stupid! You are absolutely not wasting people's time - that's the depression making you feel that way.

I think maybe you need someone who knows your situation and history - they're more likely to be able to offer specific advice and the best support as national helplines can only offer general. Is there any way you can speak to your therapist? Or a friend/family/neighbour? Failing that, call your GP or the crisis team again and tell them exactly how you feel: that you're scared to touch the tablets in case you take more, and tell them you need urgent help. I really think you should not be on your own - it's very hard to combat negative/suicidal thoughts without support.

BloominMarvellous Sat 23-Mar-13 15:50:28

Why am I like this?? Its like a different person doing this.

I opened them to take one like they said. But I opened them all. It's like an automatic thing sad

I have taken 3 x 5mg diazepam and 4 x 20mg of fluoxetine. I am torn between taking more and just sleeping hoping they kick in and give me a good few hours sleep.

Teachercreature Sat 23-Mar-13 16:00:25

From what I've heard that's exactly how depression/suicidal thoughts make you feel, sort of detached - and afterwards it's hard to believe it was you. You are not fully in control of yourself with all that misery in your head, so please try not to make any final decisions now.

If you can, get some sleep as it will help. If you can't, PLEASE do try to speak to someone who knows you - they will be able to help in ways a stranger can't.

But for what it's worth this stranger really hopes you will be ok!

BloominMarvellous Sat 23-Mar-13 16:02:22

Thank you so much. I felt so stupid when telling the woman at crisis and when she said take one and go to bed it made me feel like I was making a big deal out of nothing.

Teachercreature Sat 23-Mar-13 16:14:12

You're more than welcome.

Feeling stupid is part of the cycle of negative thinking - I do understand why you felt like that but you are not stupid, even without knowing you I can see you had the sense to ask for help.

And suicidal thoughts are never nothing. (I was also once told they don't necessarily mean you actually want to die - they're almost like a separate thing with a life of their own.)

I am sending you healing thoughts, and hope you do feel better after a sleep. (I know sleep deprivation can send people quite over the edge all by itself.) And again, please please get in touch with someone who knows you and can give you the support you need as soon as you can - don't be alone in this, you need reinforcements vs the suicidal thoughts and there are people who really do care.

I don't have much advice - but now you have taken them, go make a cuppa (tea, coffee, hot Ribena, whatever makes you feel good), get into bed and get cosy.

BloominMarvellous Sat 23-Mar-13 16:30:56

I have the out of hours doctor contacting crisis for me.

I can't cope with this on my own anymore. I know i will just take them to make me feel numb to it all.

Really feeling spaced out now.

Wow I am so stupid.

Would you believe I am an intelligent person normally sad

Everyone is going to think I'm such an idiot

markymark Sat 23-Mar-13 16:31:28

Just wanted to say well done for calling the Crisis line, all the advice given so far seems really sensible so have nothing to add but just wanted to say take care and hope you feel a little better after your sleep

markymark Sat 23-Mar-13 16:33:31

sorry, X-posted. You are absolutely not an idiot or stupid, like creature teacher said, it's part of the cycle of negative thinking. You are contacting people for help when you need it - that's not stupid, it's smart.

crossparsley Sat 23-Mar-13 16:34:51

Please keep talking to the crisis line. Life can feel like incurable shit sometimes, I know. But it can also offer new friends, laughs, loving moments. I had a life-threatening disease 7 years ago and in the last 7 years I have been terribly depressed at times, but also had some wonderful experiences. Seen and done special things (simple, free-cheap stuff like art, music, even the weather) and made forever friends. I am so glad I survived. Don't cheat yourself of that. Please.

You are not wasting anyone's time! We're all volunteering to post, for a start. You are worth much, much, much more than you seem to think right now. It's not how you wil always think, I guarantee.

Teachercreature Sat 23-Mar-13 17:04:56

Crossparsley is absolutely right. Life can undeniably suck at times, but then you get past it and it gets better. Been there too. And I did learn that the best thing you can do is to talk to people - which you're already doing, which is fantastic.

No-one thinks you are an idiot either - not at all. Feeling this low isn't at all stupid - it's just something horrible happening to you and you're doing your best to handle it. Other people will help and make that easier, and again I agree with Crossparsley that you won't always feel this bad.

I'm very impressed that you did reach out for help - that's not always easy, and you managed it! You will get there.

(The spaced out thing will be the pills kicking in, don't worry.)

BloominMarvellous Sat 23-Mar-13 17:18:13

Argh the stupid woman at crisis had a right go at me. My friend called her concerned about me and she rang me having a go at me for distressing my friend sad

She then said you've ignored my advice so what exactly do you want me to do.

I feel I've been told off for something I specifically told her I would do sad

I'm so upset after that call

Teachercreature Sat 23-Mar-13 17:29:03

Oh no, I'm sorry! But don't give up. Tell the doctors what's happening - keep talking to people.

If you're finding it hard to resist the other pills, try this - say to yourself, I won't take them just yet, I will read a book or watch TV (comedy best) for half an hour first. Then at the end of the half hour, tell yourself not for half an hour again. Breaking up the time might be less daunting.

And do keep talking to people - there are lots of other helplines and medical services out there, just keep telling them how you feel.

Lucyellensmum95 Sat 23-Mar-13 17:35:58

Please keep talking - can you tell us what is happening now? why you feel like this?

The woman from the crisis centre sounds like an idiot!

What about the samaritans, could you call them do you think?

can you go to A&E? We are all here for you - please don't do anything, you are loved.

Do you have children? Just trying to paint a picture of you in my mind - want to help. Mnet saved me this week - just by talking, offloading, gettin things straight in my head. Whats bought this on sweetheart?

Lucyellensmum95 Sat 23-Mar-13 17:37:26

Could you leave yourself with just enough pills to get you over until monday?

Lucyellensmum95 Sat 23-Mar-13 17:38:30

flush the rest down the toilet? The thing is, you probably don't have enough tablets to kill yourself but if you take them all you could do yourself serious long-term damage - you don't want to do that.

Talk to us - we are all here, holding your hand

BloominMarvellous Sat 23-Mar-13 17:40:59

It's been building for a few weeks now. My family have tipped my over the edge by telling me I am imagining the abuse they put me through.

Being insulted and criticised by my family has upset me even though I know what they are like.

I don't have any children but I do have a DP and a DSS.

DP can't get his head around any if this and keeps saying chin up which upsets me.

I have let everyone down and even the crisis team don't know how to help me.

I'm 24, i shouldn't be going through this. I want to be normal sad

Could you go to a&e? Please don't take anymore. You're not stupid at all. Depression is a horrible illness. You are important. Don't think you've let people down, you're just finding it hard to cope. Is there anyone you could get to be with you now?

williaminajetfighter Sat 23-Mar-13 18:03:12

Please try to get some help if it means going to the A&e then please do it.

This time last year my father was, as far as I understand, having similar feelings. My mum tried to get him to hospital but he didn't want to bother them/anyone. Later that night he shot himself. It's left a huge mark in my family obviously but I wish so much he had've sought help. That's what hospitals are for- for people feeling unwell.

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