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Sad events that are none of my business. Tips needed please.

(9 Posts)
Abittootearful Tue 19-Feb-13 11:01:50

Hi. I'd really like a bit of perspective on my current head state.
I am quite a sensitive person, easily moved. I usually avoid watching the news as I find it all too easy to get upset about events that I have no relation to or control over.
However, obviously I cannot live in a bubble and recently I feel haunted(for want of a better word) by the awful James bulger case. I spend a great deal of energy trying to distract myself from these thoughts but it's just there, all the time. I have a toddler ds and a new baby so obvious hormonal issues I imagine.
Every day now I am in tears for that little boy and his parents. I know it's not helping anyone to be this way and I don't wish to intrude on a family's grief that's none of my business but it's very hard to feel happy at the moment because of these thoughts. It's quite hard to form my words here, sorry. I just wondered whether anyone's used any useful distraction techniques or felt similar things before and got through it successfully.
I adore my family and love my life. I know I am very lucky.
Sorry for rambling.

TheSilveryPussycat Tue 19-Feb-13 12:30:57

Twenty years ago my DC were 4 and 2. It haunted me, and you too are haunted because you can now empathasise in a deeper way because of your parenthood.

The haunting will pass, it will fade, but meanwhile hold a little flame in your heart for James' life.

My friend and her 2 yearold died in a road accident many years ago, their flames burn brightly in my heart.

warm wishes x

taketheribbon Tue 19-Feb-13 16:48:42

I don't think you're alone in this. It's something that haunts a lot of people, because it was just so awful. It's highlighted at the moment because his poor father has been giving a few interviews in the press.

As the previous poster said, it will pass, and come back again, and pass again.

I can think of very few things which have been quite so utterly dreadful but all i can suggest you do is try to distract yourself perhaps by making a list of things that need to be done each day, even small things like folding up washing, and whenever you find yourself dwelling on it, have a look at the list and go and do one of things on it.

I too could howl every time I think of it. x

Emilythornesbff Tue 19-Feb-13 17:02:36

Thank you so much for your responses (had nc'd but can't be arsed to keep swappingback)
I know what you mean about wanting to howl with distress. That's how i feel. Awful. I've been crying half the bloody day. Mess.

amillionyears Tue 19-Feb-13 17:08:57

You cannot change what happened to that family, whether you cry or not.

But you can change what happens to your own family.

That is the way I have had to look at some things over the years, eg horrid things on the news.
They have happened, but it is then doing more damage if it starts to impact directly onto your own family.
That is what helped me to stop getting too worked up.

hth

AimForTheMoon Fri 22-Feb-13 14:23:35

Argh i feel exactly like this too but going over all the horrible sexual assualt things in the press. Jimmy savile and rapes in India etc... i feel like how dare I get upset about these things when they haven't even happened to me.

Sorry this is of no help to you but I do know just how you feel. It's all getting a bit too much for me. maybe a trip to the GP for both of us? I am going over things from my past and thinking maybe I need counselling, or like you say, coping mechanisms or ways to distract myself from these thoughts.

Emilythornesbff Wed 27-Feb-13 07:01:08

Thank you for your replies. It's amazing how "being heard" can help, even in this virtual fashion.
Aimforthemoon, I think I'll see how it goes. It is a bit of a worry because the thoughts can be quite intrusive. It's very tiring. Good luck.

AgentZigzag Sat 02-Mar-13 03:00:54

It's quite right that people in general are haunted by what happened, if the little lad had to go through that we have a duty to listen to what were his last moments so our outrage puts pressure on those who have the power to change to act on it for us.

DD2 is just over three and she does bring into stark relief the distress I know would be her reaction (and what I imagine mine would be) if something like this happened to her.

Applying what I know of her to James is always going to give some pretty grim thoughts, and there are so many complications to what happened that it's difficult not to return to it to have another think.

Could you be focusing on him though as a way of dealing with some kind of insecurity you have about something happening to your DC?

Has anything happened recently which has made you more protective over them than normal?

You say you try to avoid certain things because you know you'll overthink them (I'm the same, nowt wrong with a good avoidance technique IMO grin) does that suggest you've maybe struggled with getting things out of perspective before? And I don't mean this isn't something to be concerned about - the crime or the effect it's having on you - I mean that you've become more than just concerned about it on a general level and it's intruding into your life and becoming a problem.

Emilythornesbff Mon 04-Mar-13 12:13:49

Thanks for replying agentzigzag
You make some interesting points. Nothing has happened to make me worry, other than I guess ds is becoming more physically independent. I do worry about him and have to make sure I keep things in perspective so my worries aren't transferred to him.
It's so tiring. But that poor mother. Too awful, just dreadful beyond words.

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