doing stuff. bleurgh, waffle OU, ASD, ADHD, fuck knows

[Branleuse]

sorry dont really know what title to put this under, or what forum really.

Im pretty incapable practically. This is really coming to light more than ever recently.
Im not a stupid person. I think im quite clever really. However im completely useless and have a shit concentration span, am unmotivated, paralysed, anxious.

I have an appointment for some sort of diagnosis in march. I have the letter and theyre sending me for a diagnosis with the ASD people. Theyre wrong. I dont have ASD. My 2 sons are both autistic. I really dont think i have it, unless im at some really strange point in the spectrum that ive never heard of before.
Im positive i have sensory issues, and processing issues and im 95% sure i have some form of ADD or ADHD.. Are these the right people to be seeing me. I cant even bring myself to read the form properly, let alone fill it in and send it off. Why the fuck theyve sent me paperwork. Im unlikely to do it.

Just to give myself another unnattainable challenge, ive signed up for a 30 points course with the OU, so hopefully in 50 years or so, i might get it together to get a degree finally, when ive flunked pretty much every course ive been on, and never been able to hold down a job for any length of time.

Im fed up with myself. Completely. I have my first elluminate session for the OU tonight. My course started on the 2nd. I havent done anything.
My friend helped me do a study plan yesterday. I still havent done anything.

Im also trying to come off my antidepressants as i had more suicidal and self harm thoughts (and attempts) whilst on them than i ever did before. I feel much healthier physically since cutting down, but my mind is all over the shot and my concentration is worse than ever. I cannot seem to be much good for anything except sitting on my arse, mumsnetting, facebooking, finding things to do that are anything except what i actually NEED to do. This course was supposed to prove to me that i wasnt a complete hopeless case, but its really proving the opposite. Academically i am more than able. I research this stuff all the time for fun and personal interest, but now ive set myself a target. Forget it.
What do i do. I want to cry. SUCH a stupid fucking waste of space. My head is just full of butterflies and im supposed to grab stuff floating around to use properly???

[Branleuse]

just waffling sorry. Ive had a glass of wine now to try and stop thoughts racing

[Branleuse]

stinkin thinkin

[Branleuse]

am fighting really strong SH urges again

[SnowyMouse]

Hi Branleuse You're not a waste of space. hugs The OU course sounds good.

[Branleuse]

thankyou for replying snowymouse xx

[jennybeadle]

I can't help with much, but I can tell you that Elluminate sessions are ok, and definitely nothing to worry about. You can take part as much or as little as you like (in my experience anyway - only done massive groups). If it is a small group, then why not drop your tutor a note in advance, just saying you're worried, a bit behind, and in need of support.

[Branleuse]

i didnt do it. I couldnt work it out

[Branleuse]

called crisis team

[TheDeathOfMirage]

Did they offer any help?

[SnowyMouse]

I hope that the crisis team helped you

[bungabunga]

I have ASD and also have a child on the spectrum and I would think it's worth going for the ASD assessment. It's known to have a strong genetic basis (so there's a higher chance of you having it as you have 2 dc with ASD), but it presents differently in females so your symptoms may well be different to the symptoms seen in your dc. Adult diagnosis also a heavily underfunded area so it's very unlikely they'd send you for an assessment if there's a very low chance you'd be on the spectrum. Some people see ADD as part of the ASD spectrum, its certainly a very common comorbid.

Are you getting Disabled Students' Allowance with your OU Course? You may be able to get it even before you have a diagnosis. I got DSA when I was doing OU study and it helped pay for a mentor to help support me with my studies (as well as things like a computer with special software, taxi fares, extra stationery costs etc).

[Branleuse]

thankyou. I called Mind twice and they told me to call crisis and theyre sending someone to see me on monday at home as im feeling a bit calmer - well sedated almost. took an extra antidepressant and have just felt like a zombie all afternoon after sobbing all morning. my dp has collected the kids and taken them to his house so i can have peace this evening. Im just so desperate to get me back and stop feeling like this

[SnowyMouse]

I hope it isnt too hard for you to get through til Monday, thinking of you.