Feeling lonely and isolated - social anxiety?

[TheLightPassenger]

Sorry to post something relatively trivial in here, but I have just lost perspective on whether this is an MH issue or not. I have a background of OCD/depression, mostly controlled by a long term low dose of prozac, at least so that I function. I have a child who had a significant developmental delay, which has mostly but not fully resolved, so remains socially vulnerable, so I worry about his future.

I have ropey social skills at the best of times, school was quite miserable, made some decent friends at university, who I lost touch with over the years (they have exciting lives and careers in London, I live a few hundred miles away). I have very few friends locally, I seem to be a stop-gap friend, suitable only till someone more interesting or socially skilled comes along, and am poor at reading the social signals that someone is trying to distance/dump me. I try my hardest not to be needy, but I am not very happy, and suspect my tenseness comes across and puts people off.

Now the MH type stuff -sometimes I just want to be invisible, so people can't judge me, particularly how I parent. I breathe a sigh of relief when the bus stop empties after the school run. I feel stuck in a rut of loneliness which is in danger of tipping over into resentfulness. I find NYE a massive trigger, as I used to have friends to socialise with, but now I don't , my mood was very low just after Xmas.

[TheLightPassenger]

just to add - workwise, I feel I pour all the energy I have for conforming etc into work, that it saps me and uses me up. My work environment has become more stressful due to cuts, I am expected to take on more responsibilities for the same money, so I feel like I am bad at my job (even though objectively management usually seem happy with me).

[FireFoot]

Going into situations thinking about whether you're going to make friends, or whether people like you makes you uptight and nervous. It probably means you don't talk much either, because you're worried you're going to say the wrong thing.

The solution is simple - find some things you like to do, and do them purely because you like doing them. If you want to get fit, start going to some classes in the gym, consider martial arts, or for the more risque - pole dancing lessons. Think about learning a new language and taking a class in that or taking lessons in a musical instrument. The important thing is to make the focus on doing the activity. If you happen to meet new people in the course of your new hobbies then great, and if you don't, who cares, you had a great time at your new hobby.

[TheLightPassenger]

thanks firefoot you are absolutely right, problem is that I feel sufficently depressed and lethargic that I don't have enough motivation to sort out the logistical issues round work/childcare etc!

[mattysmum09]

Hi your post sounds so much like me...i'm terrible socially although friendly and nice to people I just feel I don't come across wel and always put my foot in it somehow.also child who had significant developmental delay but I just put that down to his father....lol could it be related to how I am? I'm starting to wonder if . Have bpd but not sure. I cant stay in a relationship long term afta a while I feel like I crave being alone again and then I mope and think about all my past and be miserable until the next one comes along to distract me! Not ideal tho really.!

[TheLightPassenger]

Hi matty. No point in playing the blame game with ourselves regarding our kid's issues - I strongly suspect there are genetic tendencies towards Aspergers/OCD running through my family but what can you do other than just do your best as a parent?

I am in a long-term relationship with someone similar to myself, but with better MH but otherwise I do relate to the moping, I find it hard to put rejection/perceived rejection behind me.

[mountains]

I was in the same situation as yours for years, wondering about my relationships with colleagues and other mums, whether they meant it when they were inviting me for drinks/coffee, whether I was acting too much like this or like that in their company...
Then by chance I met up with an old friend who I had A LOT in common with, and I realised that my problems with mums/colleagues simply had been that I didn't have that much to talk about with them - even if I thought I did. I reflected that with my friend, it was partly the fact that when we are talking, it feels like we are problem solving; We'll be wondering about things... whereas with my colleagues/mums from school, it's more like we are talking about things we already know, and it's not going anywhere, which is less interesting.
Would you not like to get back in touch with friends from Uni? Might they not be pleased to hear from you?

[frustratedashell]

Can you go back to your GP and get your meds reviewed? I would suggest getting back in touch with uni friends too and joining in things more, I know its tough but worth the effort.

[Jestrin]

Can I add my name to this thread? I seem to be a stop gap friend too. I don't fit into what I call 'clicky' groups either in or out of work. I have one very good friend who I have known all my life. Everyone else seems to be acquaintances. I don't understand why though! I think I'm chatty and friendly. I have a good sense of humour and i feel I am caring. It's not a nice feeling to feel left out

[mountains]

I have to say also that I only started to be invited out after I had been on citalopram for a while; It was a gradual shift, from being the one who is openly not invited for drinks after work on the understanding I am going to say no anyway and don't mind what everybody does, to being invited to people's birthdays and meet-ups outside of work; I don't think it would have happened without citalopram. I had tried Prozac too, but it wasn't quite taking the edge of the anxiety enough to have this effect.
Citalopram would not allow me to feel bad about my parenting on a bus (something that might very well have happened before).
I have now stopped citalopram, because it is making me feel tired, but I haven't forgotten what I learnt while I was taking it, which is how to dismiss my negative feelings, at least in familiar situations, and to get on with other stuff - I started volunteering, taking piano lessons...
...Not sure what I'm saying, but adding it anyway

[mountains]

Guess I was trying to say like frustratedashell, that reviewing your meds might be a good idea, since some SSRIs are supposed to help with social anxiety, such as citalopram and sertraline.

[TheLightPassenger]

ooh a flurry more posts on here, sorry to hear others are struggling too. yes, good point re:possible need for an increase in meds.

yes, good point re:getting in touch with Uni friends - again it's a case of battling the lethargy/practical issues in terms of dealing with the distances involved...

[frustratedashell]

cant you email them and reconnect that way first?

[NutellaNutter]

Another good experience with Citalopram here. I take 30 mg a day and it has made me so much happier. It has also made me so much less neurotic and approachable and bubbly (for want of a better word) than I ever was before. I think I used to put people off with my neuroticism and the weird kind of intenseness I used to put out. My daughter started reception in September, and I find that for the first time in my life I'm one of the popular mums! I come across as happy and smiley and confident, as that is how the Citalopram makes me feel. Amazing really, as I have been a lifelong introvert. I find it all a very interesting experience. Don't want to come off Citalopram ever.

[NutellaNutter]

I guess what I want to say is that people are generally attracted to happy, confident, chatty people aren't they? I also strive to be a very empathetic and kind person, which was very much the case even before the Citalopram. It has actually been really interesting to get this insight into what it's like to be an ordinary, happy person, whom other people accept and whose company they enjoy.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm actually a bit of a fraud, but then I think no, this is what my life would have been like if my brain was wired up properly and had enough serotonin floating around in it. I don't feel like it has fundamentally changed my personality or anything, just allowed me to become my optimum self.

Don't know if any of this makes sense!

[devilinside]

Don't really know how to help as I am the same, and the only way I made a few friends was with my special interests.

I am an outsider at the school gates, watch while others organise play dates, and give out party invitations (DS has ASD so I get why he's not included) but DD, I just don't know as she seems quite popular. I pretend it doesn't bother me, but it does.

Have invited children over in the past, but I never got an invitation back. I just don't know what it takes to break into the social circle. I obviously make social faux pas, just wish I knew what and how to rectify it.

[TheLittleWhiteRabbit]

I feel exactly the same.

It's very difficult to make friends and I also feel really anxious if I'm invited to join a party of people who I am not sure if I will have anything to talk about with. They might invite me to the pub after work and I wonder if I will end up sitting in a corner with no one to talk to.

What happens when you take Citalopram? Do they mark you as depressed? Does it affect you applying for jobs? Is it addictive?

[TheLightPassenger]

Thanks ladies, sorry so many of us feel this way, am cuttimg back on internet time and met an old friend for lunch so feel a bit better, also a week away from school run helps

whiterabbit, ime of applying for jobs, as i have never taken time off work for mh issues its not been an issue, i have declared basic info to occy health that i take ads for anxiety and noone batted an eyelid or asked for further info, i do understand that its hard worrying about potential stigma

I need to keep an eye on myself i think, i agree unless i feel better soon i shld look at meds increase or change

[mountains]

whiterabbit ,tell your GP you need something for social anxiety, and that's what will go on your medical record. When I was looking for life insurance, they asked me about my meds and when I told them citalopram they asked for clarification as to whether it was for depression; I think that might have been a problem...
It's not addictive at all! You do get discontinuation symptoms if you stop abruptly, but you will never need to take more and more to get the same effect.
I don't know about jobs but my partner has just got a teaching job, he has disclosed he is taking ADs and we don't expect it to be a problem.
Best of luck!

[mountains]

Maybe "take care" is more appropriate : D Sorry, English isn't my first language