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Mental health

Freak or phoney? Sorry long...........................

32 replies

dandycandyjellybean · 26/04/2006 10:49

Not sure exactly what to write really, I guess I just want some feedback/support. Had my ds 6 months ago and found it incredibly hard for the first three months, could have happily opened the front door and pushed him into the arms of any passing stranger!!! Just thought I'd made a hideous mistake and wanted my old life back. Sometimes even found myself shouting at my lovely ds Sad!!! (In my own defence had a pretty awful time of the birth and took a long time to recover from that, not to mention that have had several bouts of flu since he was born and didn't get a lot of help at the time. Also dh is disabled and needs a lot more looking after in the winter, right when I could have done with loads of help/support from him!!!! Also, best mate who knows my circs re. not being able to count on support/help from dh had been making all sorts of promises during my pg about all the help and support she would provide, and then once ds arrived she seemed to melt into the background.) Anyway, as I began to get a routine established, I did start to feel a bit better, more able to cope generally. BUT, can only cope when things are okay, as soon as dh has a bad run healthwise, (he also suffers with depression, which I find particularly hard) or my mil (who has turned into an absolute godsend recently) is away, or poorly or busy and can't help I go to pieces. All of this is a very long winded way Blush of saying that i'M thinking of going to my gp for ad's. We did talk about it a couple of times earlier on when I wasn't coping, but as I started to feel better I felt that I didn't need them, also that I would be failing if i succombed to taking them. Just kind of feel like a phoney that I can cope some of the time, and feel fairly happy, but am so tired of falling apart at the slightest hurdle. I just want some stability. I had an eating disorder in my late teens early twenties, and after a suicide attempt did have some counselling and started on a long round of being on and off different ad's. Haven't been on ad's for quite a few years before my pg, still had bouts of depression but was able to ride them out by keeping a detailed journal and almost kind of counselling myself through that. But, I just don't have the time or the head space (iyswim) to do that since ds arrived. When I am struggling, find myself resenting my ds and so desperately don't want to feel like this, love him so much and want to be a good mum. Also, (final bit I promise) my mum suffered with depression all through my childhood, and when she was bad it was awful and my experiences definitely scarred my quite badly, so I am desperate not to do that to ds. So, do I sound like a rambling freak that needs head meds immediately, or just a phoney who needs to pull her socks up and count her bloody blessings?

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Bethron · 26/04/2006 13:08

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starlover · 26/04/2006 13:10

you aren't a freak or a phoney (not a manics fan by any chance??)

it's hard work being a mum, not least when you have a disabled husband to care for as well.

I think that it would be worth seeing your GP and perhaps starting some AD's and maybe some counselling?

Also, your health visitor or GP may be able to tell you if there is sure start? or home start? one of those, in your area where someone can come by and give you some help

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PrettyCandles · 26/04/2006 13:22

You sound like neither freak nor phoney, but like someone who's having a rough time and needs a helping hand. Lots of us here on Mumsnet have been through depression, and none of us will say 'this is the only way to deal with it', so whether or not you choose to take ads is not going to be an issue.

Things that I found helped me, and that I think you may be looking for from what you have said where, above all, acceptance from others (and from myself) of my condition, regular counselling of various sorts, someone to turn to before things went to pieces on me (thank goodness for your MIL), and getting a break from the baby. No need to feel bad about that - it's tough looking after a baby, not to mention when you've got other burdens too.

I got counselling through my GP, and also through the Peri-Natal Outreach unit that my HV refered me to when ds was 6m. The PNO counselling didn't come through for a long time, and until then I was visited regularly by the Community Psychiatric Nurse and later by an Occupational Therapist. These regular visits were absolute lifesavers, totally unpressured and entirely led by my needs and choices. I also paid privately for therapy for a short while.

I also put ds in a creche at a council-run Adult Educaion centre twice a week and did a couple of courses. As far as I'm concerned, the creche staff were part of my therapy team, because the opportunity for 'me-time' was utterly invaluable.

I hope this gives you some ideas that may help or inspire you.

You are a good mother, you are aware of how your history affected you, and are determined to give your child the benefit of that. It took several months of counselling before I learnt the same thing. It is already a step forward for you.

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dandycandyjellybean · 26/04/2006 14:27

Thanks all for your help/input. Prettycandles, your post made me gulp back the tears. I have been trying to get 'me' time; for three years bb (before baby!) i swam 3 times a week (pretty much without fail up until I was 38 weeks pg and they banned me from the pool!) and I have been trying to get back to that - obviously good physically but it really, really helps my head too. However, despite my best efforts, lots of stuff can get in the way (just getting over a bout of flu and the school holidays tend to cack things up a bit). Managed it today though, and feel so much better for it. I also made an appointment today to see my gp, can't get in till next week though, and what I really have to do is not think that if I start to feel better between then and now that I don't need to go. On reflection, what I would really like is counselling, this has helped enormously in the past, but not sure whether it is even an option locally - also probably a huge waiting list. I'm just so tired of feeling guilty all the time about all the stuff I'm not managing, and the times when I'm not as patient and loving with my dh, who is truly a lovely bloke and copes admirably with his disabilities. I wish I was more like him. The thing is, when you're caring for someone, and have to do very personal things for them sometimes, it is then impossible to moan and nag at them without feeling like a total heel. And within his capabilites, he helps out where he can with ds, but all the night wakings, early mornings and early evening/bedtime stuff is always down to me, and sometimes it really, really grinds me down. It's so hard when dh is sitting downstairs infront of the computer whilst I'm upstairs wrestling with a grumpy baby, when I really want to scream 'get off your arse, get up here and help' but I can't coz I know he would if he could, and would dearly love to, but just can't. Or even worse, as happened recently, dh is in bed for several days with flu on top of his disabs, and I've got the flu too, and am practically on my knees with the desire to fall into bed myself, but just have to carry on...and on...and on... I feel so angry and yet I know I shouldn't coz he can't help it, and I got pg knowing it would be this way, but imagined I would cope. (How stupid can you be???)

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PrettyCandles · 26/04/2006 14:36

The first months are truly tough. I do know what you mean about finding the time to actually give yourself some time. Starlover mentioned Sure Start/Home Start. I don't really know much about them (though my HV asked me if I would consider volunteering - with my experience of PND she said that I would be an ideal helper! Good to knwo that something good can come out of something so crap.) but it really sounds like they could be a lifeline for you.

Are you cutting yourself enough slack? My wonderful HV always told me that you don't need to be a perfect mother, only a good enough one. What chores can you dump, or do less often? While dh is on the computer, could he do the shopping and get it delivered? I found it hugely helpful when the babies were in a routine, as then I knew that I would have a couple of hours of peace and quiet while they napped - which I spent on myself as often as possible.

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PrettyCandles · 26/04/2006 14:41

Have you talked openly with your dh? Men are very good at bottling up, and not so good at dealing with open emotion, but he may be feeling dreadful that he can't help you. Nothing to do with the disabilities - my dh felt that way. It was only when we were preparing for baby no2 and preparing strategies to prevent (or deal with) PND that dh told me that he felt so guilty, that maybe something he did caused or contributed to the PND, that he should have been able to help me. Of course none of that was the case - dh was my rock as far as he was able - but just knowing that he felt my pain and that he wanted above all to help me through it, gave me strength.

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loganberrys · 26/04/2006 17:41

Hi Cubby,sorry about your problems.Do you have any help at all.I am a PA for a disabled man with family.I mainly do housework thoughand shopping.I get paid by the ILF(independant living fund).Does your dh have a social worker?If you'd like to know more just let me know.It sounds like you could do with some practical help.

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Notquitesotiredmum · 26/04/2006 19:10

Hi Cubby

Just wanted to add a few words of support. You are not a phoney. I know exactly where you are coming from. I think that you are right to encourage yourself to see your GP even if you are feeling better. You can explain to her/him the fact that there are ups and downs but that you want to be able to manage the downs better. If you can, write down your feelings/problems whilst you are feeling down, so that if you feel ridiculously well on the day that you go (the very fact that you are doing something about it will probably make you feel better/more positive about yourself)then you can read out what it is like on a bad day.

Best of luck

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dandycandyjellybean · 26/04/2006 19:42

Thanks for all your messages, just knowing that there are folks out there who know really helps.
Prettycandles: Ikwym about dh and bottled up feelings, but it is exactly because I know that he would love to be more involved with ds (as well as a myriad other things that he would love to be able to do) that I don't feel that I can keep going on all the time about how I'm not coping/need more help. Funnily enough, the expression you used about your dh is exactly the one I use about mine, he is my rock. (Considering he is a bloke) he is often very tuned in to my feelings and very supportive emotionally, and I guess it is when he is depressed (often about the things he can't manage but would love to do) that I feel at my most terrified/out of control. It is as though my stability has been taken away.
Loganberrys - haven't heard of ILF and no my dh doesn't have a social worker, don't know that he'd be too keen on the idea to be honest (quite a private bloke really, and hates having to ask me for help). I do pay a friend to come in and clean for me once a week, which is my total saving grace, and the rest of the time I try not to worry too much about the state of the place.
Notquitesotiredmum - think that's a good idea about writing stuff down, when I'm feeling better I forget just how desperate I feel when I'm not good.
S'funny isn't it? BB (before baby) I coped for 12 years looking after my dh and for a lot of that time I was the breadwinner (sometimes doing up to 4 jobs to make ends meet). Still found time to play the piano, paint and even wrote a book. And yet now I don't go out to work at all, and have only one other little person added into the mix, and I'm falling to pieces. And in the scheme of things, ds is a very amenable baby. He sleeps pretty well at night, and has a couple of decent naps in the day (I think I would die if he didn't) and although he is really alert and bright and takes a lot of occupying when he is awake, he is a happy little fellow and smiles and laughs a lot. When my head is right he is a delight, and yet when my head's a shed, I just despair. Sad. Wish for his sake I was a better mummy.

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dandycandyjellybean · 26/04/2006 21:08

I'm just a shite mum and that's all there is to it.....................

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Dior · 26/04/2006 21:23

Hardly Cubby...don't put yourself down. If you are a crap mother, so am I, and so are probably 30% of the posters on here! You were suffering from a stressful life without a baby thrown into the mix!

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dandycandyjellybean · 27/04/2006 14:47

Thanks dior, sorry...sounding very self-pitying last night, wasn't I? That's what I hate about feeling like this. Was reading the 'depression causing probs with friends' thread and could really relate to that. My 'best' mate has all but disappeared since I had ds, unless of course there is something that I can do for her. I know that sounds terrible, but even my dh, who will always be objective and tell me if I'm just being self-pitying has commented on it. I think the dynamic of our relationship bb tended to err on the side of me being the shoulder to cry on, money lender, general helper out in a time of crisis, and because I have obviously not been able to do quite as much as before, suddenly we hardly see her. Over Xmas, when I knew she was working long hours and how she hates to cook, several times I cooked her a dinner so that she would have something for her and dh/ds to come home to (and at that point my ds was not sleeping at all during the day and I had to do it all with him strapped to me in a sling!) So kind of find that hard too, I guess. Thank goodness for my totally wonderful mil, who is the world's biggest treasure. Without her I think I would have chucked myself off the nearest cliff. (Fortunately not too many of those in the vicinity Wink). Guess there has just been a lot of changes in my life, which is what happens when you have kids. Anyway, thanks again to all posters, it really helps to know somebody cares.

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Dior · 27/04/2006 19:20

We've all been there to some extent Cubby. Glad you seem more positive today. I wasn't implying that you were being self-pitying BTW, just meant that you are allowed to feel that way with a young baby!

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PrettyCandles · 30/04/2006 15:48

One of the things that really knocked me over about becoming a parent, was the fact that all of a sudden I was constantly 'on duty'. You know what they say about napping when your baby does? Well I have to be either ill or desperately sleep-deprived before I can nap if I'm alone in the house with my children. I just can't - I'm on duty. And you really know that you're a parent when you're ill yourself and can't take sick-leave.

It sounds to me that you've been 'on duty' for a heck of a long time. No wonder you're tired and worn out, and feel as if you can't do a good job. But try to think of it this way: to even do a tolerable job under your circumstances is damn good, which means that you are at the very least a damn good mum.

When you're out and about with the babe, unwashed hair, yesterday's clothes, had to buy a nappy at a vending machine because forgot to refill the changing bag (I've been there) and frustrated at all these amazing mums you see - hairstyled, fashionably dressed, perfect-seeming babies, drinking latte - and wondering how they manage it, bear in mind that they are probably thinking the same about you. We always compare ourselves to others by their appearance, without realising that we may appear amazing to them. How many of these perfect-seeming mums fled the house without clearing the breakfast dishes or brushing their teeth because they couldn't bear it a moment longer? We can never know, but if "I'm" one of them, then I bet "she" is one too!

We feel dreadfully guilty for what we perceive as our inability to cope. I don't deny that sometimes we don't cope as well as we think we ought, but we have to give ourselves credit for doing a very difficult job, for which there was no job interview - and certainly no apptitude test!

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PrettyCandles · 30/04/2006 15:51

BTW, you're allowed to feel self-pitying, and you're allowed to be angry at your stupid friend, who doesn't appreciate, and doesn't understand that friendship involves giving as well as taking.

Have you been in touch with the NCT? Are there any post-natal groups in your area (sometimes known as Bumps and Babes, or Coffee Mornings). They are a very good way of meeting people and getting support as well as making new friends and contacts.

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dandycandyjellybean · 01/05/2006 20:00

Pretty candles, thanks for your posts, I could so relate to your 'constantly on duty' comment. It had been hard enough being like that with dh and his disabs previously, but being 'on duty' for a baby, particularly when your dh can't help too much, is something else entirely. And I think it was this that totally blew me away from day one. Ironically, I tend to be mega organised and I guess from the outside I look to most people like I'm breezing through, and I think this is why I find the friend thing so hard to deal with; she knows the real me behind the facade, and yet suddenly, because I can't be exactly how I was before (or at least that's how it feels) she has gradually withdrawn, until I hardly see her. Last bh monday, I invited them round for a bbq, but needless to say, I haven't seen anything of her today, coz I'm not volunteering to cook for them all. Sorry, feeling a bit pissed off about it all tbh. I'll go and have a glass of wine and watch a dvd. Perhaps that will chill me out.

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dandycandyjellybean · 02/05/2006 07:23

Just wondered if I could get some encouragement, a damn good talking to!!!, to make me keep my docs appointment tomorrow. Am not feeling as desperate as I was when I made the appointment nearly a week ago, and am really struggling with the idea of breezing into the surgery and trying to convince the doc that I need ad's / counselling / anything at all!!!Blush

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wrinklytum · 02/05/2006 09:46

dear cubby have been reading your thread .YOU ARE NOT A CRAP MUM.it is very hard having a baby much as we all adore our kids there are times when it all seems too much.when ds has his nap i sometimes leave dd in her rocker go to the bottom of the garden and have a good cry.I t must be 100x harder when you are a full time carer for your partner too.I too feel like a failure for getting to the stage i need ads but think after reading posts on the thread i started it may help me in the long run,altough i can relate to what you are saying that it is hard to admit to gp or whatever when outwardly you may seem ok.Im grasping the nettle and doing it today,and will be thinking of you.Keep strong and remember no one finds it easy being a parent.your ds sounds like a lovely smily happy boy and you should be proud of yourself for that.many hugs

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dandycandyjellybean · 02/05/2006 10:26

well done wrinkleytum (love the name btw). Sorry to hear you're struggling too, but it's good to know that I'm not the only one. Let me know how you get on. Smile.

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PrettyCandles · 02/05/2006 20:54

Cubby, please do go to the GP. You know that depression is a roller-coaster and that not all days are as bad (or as good! ) as others. No need to feel ashamed, why shouldn't you get help if you need it. You've certainly earned it.

If your GP is worth his or her salt, then he will read straight through any 'breezing'. They've seen it all before and will not be shocked and will not criticise you. They are there to help you and yours.

How about your HV? How do you feel about her? I was lucky, and have had good HVs upon whom I could lean. Can you talk to her? Moan to her?

All I can say is Go! Go! Go! to that appointment.

And if you want counselling as well as or instead of ADs, then push for what you want. In a way it's good that you feel better now that the appointment has come up, as you'll be better able to stand your ground and explain yourself.

Please let us know how the appointment went.

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dandycandyjellybean · 03/05/2006 09:31

Am tired today (up in the night with dh who isn't too well at the mo) so feeling quite grouchy, which is probably a good thing from the going to the doc's point of view. I was stomping round the house this morning with a my ds (who has developed this horrible repetitive screech when he's tired and he had a late night last night!) muttering to myself that if every bugger else in my life was on ad's I might not bloody need 'em!!!!!

(Saw my 'best' mate yesterday to try and clear the air, which we kind of did, but I ended up comforting her because she ended up in tears over all the problems she's got at the moment!!! Up at 4am coz dh was not good, ranting and miserable because some weirdy solar inverter thingy he bought on ebay a couple of months ago now isn't working, and he can't find the paperwork, so I was surfing the net at 4.30 for him, and to top it all, my cleaners bloody depressed as well!!!! (Blush know I should just be grateful I've got some help.) It's just that when (sometimes 'if') she turns up (not terribly reliable), I know I'm going to have 45 minutes of listening to/sympathising with her, when all I really want to say to the bloody lot of 'em is 'why don't you all just piss off and leave me alone???????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Angry
BlushBlushBlushBlushBlushBlushBlushBlush Rant over and apologies for the appalling language. It always gets bad when my head's not good. Think the doctor might just decide to have me immediately committed, rather than medicate me. Still, the rest might be nice......Grin

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dandycandyjellybean · 03/05/2006 09:52

Oh, and my hv is crap. She's been to the house exactly 3 times, and that was just to lecture me on when my ds would be having his jabs and when I should wean him (this was when he was a few days old!!). Can't talk to her at all. . Doc's nice though......thank bloody goodness!

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dandycandyjellybean · 03/05/2006 14:13

Off to the docs in a few mins.....feeling stupidly nervous........

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PrettyCandles · 03/05/2006 14:18

Ugh - yuck!. Many sympathies. Not that it's a patch on your night, but dh has tonsilitis and was snoring (foul-breathed, too) non-stop last night, then, about 3am I had a drink of water and managed to spill it on the bed (my side! ). I was just contemplating decamping to the sofa when dd had a bad dream and I had to go comfort her. By the time I got back to bed I was so knackered that I fell asleep - soggy patch, snoring stinker and all. Two blissful hours until ds woke up disgustingly cheerful and roused the household with his rendition of 'In and Out the Busty Bluebells'.

What are Busty Bluebells?

Hope it gave you a chuckle, anyway!

Tough about the HV, but at least the GP sounds decent. And what would happen if you did tell the others 'Oh piss off - I can't cope with your problems right now, I've enough of my own'?

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PrettyCandles · 03/05/2006 14:19

Go to it!

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