Note: Mumsnet has not checked the knowledge, experience or professional qualifications of anyone posting on Mumsnet Talk, so this is not necessarily the best place to seek help if you're feeling seriously distressed or suicidal. Mumsnet cannot be held responsible for any advice given on the site. If you need help urgently, please see our mental health web guide which can point you to expert advice and support.

we were all in the bed, this is the 2nd thread....roll over! roll over!

(955 Posts)
ThatVikRinA22 Sat 02-Feb-13 01:26:21

so we all rolled over and hellebelles told us to get our arses out of bed......smile

ive started a new one because there are only a few posts left on the old thread before it gets full.

nana ive described myself on the old thread just for you! smile

so.

nana hellesbelles mama ed silvery and basset and any one else who posted on the old thread or who relates to our experiences and wants to post on the new one....welcome to the new thread.

old one here

TheSilveryPussycat Tue 26-Feb-13 00:09:32

mama your description of his behaviour is very familiar to me, cos I'm a long-time poster on the Emotional Abuse Thread in Relationships (this one

Why not have a look at some of the links on the top post? And by all means do post, we are women who have found ourselves married to men like these, and who have escaped, are in the process of trying to do so, or just waking up to the fact their bloke is abusive.

mamakoula Tue 26-Feb-13 02:06:22

TSP... I see the tinsel has come down. I like the name; it's fun, with a bit of mischief and a hint of glamour. I have been following threads such as those and each time somebody makes a step forward I am so proud of them for caring for themselves. When you go through this process it strips your sense of self. The extra rests in bed have helped me to give me space and command rest time for me. Just me. It's helped in some of the mindset. I am allowed to care for me. I am important.

Once I was no longer at work, and beginning the process of digesting what had happened, I followed three main areas - relationships, mental health and employment issues. All relevant but it was difficult to decide where to post. Vicar's first thread helped me accept where I was mentally at and to realise it's okay (well not really) and that there are many people figuring out life. I saw the ups and downs, the difficulties, the pain, but also the support. Yes, I have recognized the behavior for what it is but accepting that I stayed and let him do this makes me feel stupid. Why on earth would anybody do that? I dud have my reasons and was blinded by the love of the research I had developed over the last decade.

Vicar, many thanks fir your supportive words. They are correct but sometimes when you go through this you are left disoriented. You know it makes sense but it somehow doesn't click. I will never forget my first counseling session. I got into the car and locked the doors. I felt so scared because I had described the actions of somebody who could not be completely correctly wired.

When I left the workplace, there was a lot of confusion because it was very odd. I am not sure what people were told - I think there's been a gagging order - but what cams back to me was that nobody was aware of any problems. There were a couple if stories that did reach my ears and people could not make sense of them as it didn't sound like me. Getting people to cone forward is very tricky. He had told me of accusations by other researchers who said that he had gotten friendly and basically poached their work. Why tell an employee that? He also told me about a few things he had claimed to have done and which were not moral.

The counsellor seems to think it was personal. I will actually ask her how she sees that. He would make accusations about what I was thinking and there was no point in denying them. I was not allowed to express my opinion and even if I did he apparently knew me better. Writing this makes me realuse how messed up he is. The only way I can describe his behaviour is hellbent.

There was one ex coworker who I knew there were problems with. There was another incident where he used the denial scenario. Not just me but he never went after anybody with the same intensity.

He is scary. His behaviour is obsessive. He was relentless fir destruction. I felt like he wasn't satisfied until he had buried me and jumped on my grave. Seeing me is a reminder I am still here. He knows I know. He knows what hr has done. After I left he probed a few people to ask if I had reported him to HR or the Human Rights office. It made me think he knew what he had done. When I act fairly, I do not fear repercussions. It could be an unpopular decision but if it is fair and respectful, I stand by it and I think a lot of people probably feel that way. He knows what he does and what he is. There's at least 30+ yrs left in his career and he should not be allowed to ever do this again.

mamakoula Tue 26-Feb-13 02:12:39

Thank you. That helps.

Wishing you all a little island of peace in your day tomorrow. You have all been a huge help. I have come forward so much in the past few weeks. There's still a lot of work to be done and I know this will be with me for a lifetime. Know that you have all helped a stranger xxx

Level three today with bonus make up smile

mamakoula Tue 26-Feb-13 02:13:32

(Dons safari suit pajamas and prepares to track down HM in dreamland)

mamakoula Tue 26-Feb-13 02:15:30

And ap

mamakoula Tue 26-Feb-13 02:16:33

....apologies for misspelt words. On my phone.

HellesBelles396 Tue 26-Feb-13 06:28:24

I'd be scared too mama.

like vicar said - take back the power.

hope today's better for you nina - definitely doesn't sound like the meds are working.

SnowyMouse Tue 26-Feb-13 09:18:05

Happy belated birthday vicar!

Builder is stuck in already this morning, hoping he'll finish today or tomorrow.

SnowyMouse Tue 26-Feb-13 16:07:42

Builder is done. Bit tricky for me.

Is everyone still in bed?

Yup smile

Just getting up tho.

mamakoula Tue 26-Feb-13 16:18:10

Level 3. Chimney sweep was in early this morning. This helped me as I got the ironing done and tidied up a bit. I will take it easy this afternoon and indulge in a bit of reading.

All of the work done now Snowy?

HB, I am working at feeling in control. It is another reason I accepted the job as it offers me the possibility of a future, no matter how I decide to proceed beyond it eg future jobs or occupation etc.

Ta to all for the input. As I wrote, vocalizing helps me understand what was not right rather than shrugging it off.

SnowyMouse Tue 26-Feb-13 16:24:25

Yes thanks, mamakoula Glad you're getting up Ed. I find it helps to air things here too.

SnowyMouse Tue 26-Feb-13 17:17:14

I'm feeling low, trying to distract myself with pointless.

mamakoula Tue 26-Feb-13 18:21:51

How has Harry Potter been coming along SnowyMouse?

SnowyMouse Tue 26-Feb-13 18:46:33

I'd forgotten about that. Thanks for the reminder smile

mamakoula Tue 26-Feb-13 18:49:38

Just wondering as I am sat here with a book (reading is a useful distraction for me and calms my mind), and you mentioned you were listening to audio books. Whenever I think of Harry Potter, the actors/actresses' voices spring to mind. Is the audio book a single person narrating?

SnowyMouse Tue 26-Feb-13 18:56:20

It's Stephen Fry narrating, he does have a rhythmic voice which helps.

TheSilveryPussycat Tue 26-Feb-13 19:30:24

I remember JK Rowling talking about the slightly surreal experience of writing the next Harry Potter while one of her kids was upstairs listening to Stephen Fry reading an earlier one.

Occasionally I read aloud to myself, quite satisfying to do.

SnowyMouse Tue 26-Feb-13 19:41:58

That does sound surreal!

mamakoula Tue 26-Feb-13 19:45:10

SilveryPussycat, that would be bizarre but also a bit amusing.

They are very engaging books. Looking forward to introducing them to DD when she gets older.

I cannot read aloud for too long. I get bored. I prefer the sound of words in my head and find listening as I read - tiring perhaps as I am reading, talking and listening. That's nice that you enjoy it TSP; short stories are about as far I can manage to read aloud.

TheSilveryPussycat Tue 26-Feb-13 19:48:17

Well tbh I only do a paragraph or two - or the v occasional poem smile

SnowyMouse Tue 26-Feb-13 21:04:52

I hope everyone gets a good night!

mamakoula Tue 26-Feb-13 21:54:53

You too Snowy! I hope NanaNina is okay and HM had a nap, that Vicar's day was good and everybody else has had a restful day.

TSP, I looked at the link you had posted for me. I had looked at the previous threads in that series. I find it tough reading because so much strikes home. it reinforces what he did and I feel like a mug for having stayed.

Today was a better day and I got some house chores done, slotted off some reading time and it is an easy dinner as I cook in batch and today is a home made ready meal day smile DD in fine fettle and snowstorm on the way.

Hugs to all x

ThatVikRinA22 Tue 26-Feb-13 22:11:14

hi all.

i had riding lesson today and spent the day at stables again. its such an escape.....im so frightened of going back to reality and the day job.

today was anniversary of Dsis unexpected death - but i spent it doing hard graft and being around horses. made it better, and even though the horse i rode was very naughty, (he needs someone who knows what they are doing on him and i soooo dont!) he knew, he was such a poppet as i groomed him. He was very calm and very lovely with me. Gave me some lovely cuddles.

and my usual ride who is poorly gave me a big cuddle today. They do truly have a 6th sense. such beautiful animals and very in tune with humans. Makes me shudder that some have ended up in the food chain....sad

anyway - i was up and dressed (level 3 with bonus points for hair and make up) by 8am....went to supermarket after dropping DD at bus stop, then walked dog, then went to stables and stayed there all day until had to come home as DD needed car for her maths tutor....

am back to occy health tomorrow - have a bit of a clearer picture of what i am asking for....

i wish i could just jack it in. i dont want to go back.

hope everyone had a good day today - no namechecking so sorry....but if i do i will get brain addled and miss someone.

mamakoula Tue 26-Feb-13 22:23:24

Animals do sense and it is comforting that you got to spend time in your happy place today Vicar. Good luck with occy health tomorrow.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now