Don't really know where to start.
I am a total loser or waster. Take your pick.
I am a housewife/Sahm to 2 teens.
I have not worked post kids. Thats 15 years.
I have followed my husband around with his career and never gone back to work. I use our regular house moving with his career as an excuse but the reality is I am too frightened to get a job.
The reason is because I don't think I am worthy. I don't think I am good enough. I am terrified I wont be able to do a job. Any job. Even cleaning or something simple, let alone a job that could have prospects.
Its not just work and employment. I am scared of most things. Anything that involves any responsibility has me terrified. Buying house insurance or anything remotely official scares me. I dont trust myself to read the small print. I dont trust myself to make a decision and I live in fear that I have made a mistake or done something wrong all the time.
I used to be normal. Never had a wonderful career or anything but worked in banking and earnt an OK wage. Looking back even then I always felt I was not as good as my colleagues and doubted myself and would never volunteer anything. My sales were pretty shit too as I was frightend to sell. But it was not like how I feel now.
I went to college in 2010 and did a course in something that in theory was towards a career I had always wanted. I did OK in it passed most exams with a merit or distinction. However I never found work. I started another course but it went wrong i was kind of bullied and I left Xmas 2011. Since then I have not applied for any jobs because I am so shit and unworthy.
My life is an existence. I am not living my life. I cope with all the family shit although pull away from doing household admin where possible or at least taking sole responsibility for bills etc anymore. I used to do it all.
I spent my days sat in the house. I have stopped doing housework recently. it seems pointless because the house is such a mess. I have to clean everyone elses mess before I can vacume or dust. I am sick of it no one listens unless I shout and cry and only then they rally round then revert back within days.
A typical day I get up after everyone has left the house so no one can ask me to do things for them. Maybe I am lazy but in my mind its because I am frightened it will a task out of my comfort zone, that I will cock up. Sometimes I just sit in bed and watch TV until lunch time. Most days I get up. Load and unlad the dishwasher. Take a load out the washer and hang it our/on the airer. Then watch TV, mumsnet, surf the net etc. DH usually comes home for lunch. He gets whatever he wants and we watch TV/news little chat about nothing. I feel sick when the postie comes about 1pmish. I always fear bad news. i expect things to be or go wrong even though logically there is no reason to think this. In the afternoon. I may do a simple task like ironing or prep evening meal although recently I just sit and do nothing maybe TV or internet. On an evening everyone just does there thing I just clear up tea stuff deal with letters from school etc. The I have a bath then go to bed.
For the past year I have distanced myself from friends. BUT my best friend who lives an hour away has distanced herself ffrom me. I try and make the effort with her but she never calls me back or on the rare occassion she does she is also texting/messaging on her mobile and just not actually engaging with me. I have come to the conclusion this is because I am a boring uninteresting loser.
I no longer socialise and although I check my FB page every day, I have not posted on there since October because I have nothing worthwhile to say.
The past 3 weeks I feel like I need to cry but no tears come. I had a few tears today but they stopped before they properly started. I feel like I need to have a good cry but it wont happen.
Up until this past year despite my fears I led a normalish life. Out and about socially, would take myself off to the pool or gym, shops etc. Now I dont. As I gradually withdrew last year (not deliberate just randon 2 or 3 weeks here and there where I could not face people) I began to notice that no one missed me. No one called, text or asked me out. I have come to realise that actually I have no friends. I have acquaintances who I was always on the outside of the social group. Another words OK to go out with in a crowd but not for coffee around someones house on a 1 to 1.
I must have always been a shit boring person and I feel embarrassed I have only just at the age of 40 realised this.
My kids need me. 1 is having a crap time at school at the mo and this is what is stopping me from just getting into my car and driving off to the arse end of nowhere.
Sorry its so long once I started it kept coming.
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Mental health
Fed up - realising I am not normal
32 replies
Nothingbutaloser · 01/02/2013 21:44
OP posts:
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