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How to help DD

(9 Posts)
BorrowedABiscuit Fri 25-Jan-13 08:28:42

Hello, not sure if this is correct place but I would really like some advice.

Dd is 19, she has had an awful time over the past 18 months. Her best friend was killed in a car accident and she has obviously been hugely affected by her death. They were so very very close and she has been really struggling. (As have we all, we knew her very well, sharing holidays/sleepovers ect, I was also very close to her mum, so initially I was trying to support her too)

My dd has tried so hard to "get through this". She carried on with sixth form, sitting her A levels, passing them and getting into uni. This took a huge amount of effort form her, but she did it, her teachers were hugley supportive. She is now on a gap year and seems very lost.

She had planned to travel the world with her friend, all those plans have gone, she feels sad that her gap year is just going to be working in shops. But she doesn't have the confidence to do any travelling, so she just gets angry and upset.

She has had 3 jobs so far- but she has walked out on one and is about to do the same in the one she's in now. She says she feels trapped and anxious. She has stomach pains and feels sick. She hates talking to people and just wants to be at home, where she feels safe.

Half of me thinks "she can't just leave again, she'll never get another job and its unhealthy to be at home all the time" ( DH and I both work from home, so we would be in with her). The other half of me thinks "it's making her ill, let her leave"

She misses her friend so much she says it hurts her. She has comfort eaten a lot, she's not over weight but says she hates the way she looks. She also says she worries that everyone is getting fed up with her as she is down all the time. We reassure her that we love her and will help her through this. Her boyfriend and friends are also very supportive of her.

Just a few points- she was not like this before her friend died, she was very confident and mixed well with others. She has a huge no of friends but have noticed she now only socialises with a handful of them.

She has been to the drs and has been having counselling. She stopped before Xmas, but has agreed to start going again next week.

I'm just frightened, I hate to see her so unhappy, I don't know how it help hersad

BorrowedABiscuit Fri 25-Jan-13 08:28:59

I'm sorry that is so long.

Crawling Fri 25-Jan-13 20:06:11

sad I am so sorry for your loss. undertandbly your dd is struggeling with her grief. All you can do listen and wait I realise you probably want to make your dd okay but grief takes as long as it takes. My advice is listen and support dont try to make things better. Always remember each person is different and there is no set time or right way to grieve everyone has their own way and there are many stages of grieving to go through which your dd must do in her own way and time. I think the counselling is a good idea and im glad your dd has that.

Im sorry you probably already know all of the above I just didnt want your post to go unanswered.

BorrowedABiscuit Fri 25-Jan-13 20:33:40

Thank you for posting Crawling.

I do know what you have said is correct but it is very helpful to hear it from someone else. I think as a mum you just want everything to be ok, but I know I can't make this situation ok. Its very hard, but we will keep plodding on.

She was actually much brighter today, so that is positive.

Thanks again.

Crawling Fri 25-Jan-13 20:38:25

Its okay and you should feel free to post here about how you feel. It must be hard watching your dd go through this and not being able to stop it hurting. Glad she is brighter today.

sittinginthesun Fri 25-Jan-13 20:46:31

Your poor DD.hmm

Grief can be a long journey, and when you're going through it it feels like a huge cloud of depression. And she's lost all her regular structure and routine of school.

I think keeping her talking is important. When my dad died, I reluctantly went to counselling, and was a huge help.

I also felt like just curling up and hiding from the world for a long time, but couldn't as I had the children to think about.

It will pass and time does help, but I think if she accepts that this is a depression and is a very normal reaction, it may help?

cocolepew Fri 25-Jan-13 20:53:39

Maybe she needs time to herself to grieve. It must have been incredibly hard for her to do her exams etc at the time.

BorrowedABiscuit Fri 25-Jan-13 21:40:27

Thank you for the replies.

Yes it was very hard for her to complete her Alevels. We told her she didn't have to go back, that she could take time out, but she wanted to try. I don't know how she did it really. I was talking to her about it last night, about how amazing it was that she did that. She doesn't actually remember much of the whole yearsad.

So you might be right cocolepew she might need some time just doing nothing very much.

williaminajetfighter Sat 26-Jan-13 22:45:44

She has her entire life to work so working at a shop during her gap year just isn't important. What's more important is building up her confidence and working on getting her mood up in preparation for Uni.

It sounds like she needs some fun which may be daunting but maybe there are some things she can participate in or classes etc. something with structure that gets her out of the house. If you can wing it a holiday might be good starting with a weekend away and building up to more.

Hope your DD gets better.

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