Oh shite, I think I've gone loopy this time

[screwed]

I have little time or concentration so this might not read as well as it could. I post fairly regulary so changed my name just so I could feel totally free to get this down.

I've been getting down lately and last night after bathing and putting my three gorgeous children to bed I drank a lot in a short space of time, got really upset and sent myself to bed. Before bed I showered, as I usually do, cried in there and before I knew it I was actually contemplating getting out of the shower, rounding up all the tablets I could find and swallowing them so I wouldn't (a) feel like this anymore and (b) stop pulling everyone around me down. It really upset me to find myself feeling like this and today I can hardly talk. I'm going about in a numbed state feeling like I'm not part of the world and all I really want to do it find a sunny corner of the house and curl up in it. I'm feeling really cold.

I'm crying upstairs now while DP gives the kids lunch downstairs and I'm utterly terrified. I feel like a freak and I don't know what to do.

Yes, I've felt similar to this before. Yes, I've probably had PND twice without treatment (except herbal since I try to avoid the doctor at ALLL costs). Yes, I think I'm a freak because I suspect I might have OCD-type tendancies. Yes, I'm drinking more and more to numb my feelings. Yes, I hate myself. Yes, I've had some counselling that I found at best like sitting in a room with a stranger who didn't understand me and I found the treatment (CBT, Cognitive Behavioural Tratment, like positive thinking really) lightweight.

I have to clean up my face now.

I'm so frightened.

[jmum6]

Please see your gp in the morning

I felt exactly like this and I'm now on ad, despite not wanting to go to gp. I came off them at xmas because I didn't want the stigma of being on ad, I went back to feeling exactly like you described again, I'm now back on the ad, and feeling really good.

Please plesae go and see the gp, you can feel much better.

[screwed]

I have a horrid GP. I don't want to go.

[jmum6]

Can you talk to your dp about how you feel? Or friends?

I know you probably feel isolated and that they won't really understand how you feel, but try to talk with them, but I really do think you ought to see someone like a gp, of health visiter, especially if your having suicidal thoughts (even vague ones).

It can get better with treatment - honestly.

Hugs to you screwed xxxxx

[tortoise]

Is there more than one gp you could see?
I think you need to make yourself go so that you can be happy again and enjoy yours and your childrens life, good luck.

[jmum6]

Can you see a different gp?

What about your hv?

[screwed]

I know most of the docs at the surgery through visits there with my kids and I don't find any of them with enough time, patience or the right manner to speak to about this. My HV is 'too' helpful. Very lovely but she'd try too hard and not leave me alone and I get suffocated by people, I'm private and need space. MY DP is lovely, he's held the ship so much but he's away from us a lot. I think he feels if he just gets on and keeps his head down and hugs me sometimes we'll be ok. I know different.

I just feel I have nowhere to turn.

[screwed]

I want to speak more but my DP is coming upstairs.

Thanks.

[jmum6]

Screwed it's so important to talk to someone. Even if it's a gp you don't particulary like. Can someone go with you, what about your dp? He sounds lovely.

Look here's my email address

[email protected]

Email me and and you can talk about how you feel, I've been there, I left home and stayed in my dps house (empty at the time), thought about killing myself, giving the baby away you name it I felt like it.

And I resisted going back to gp the second time round but for me it made such a big difference.

If you don't want to go to your gp at least talk to people here on mn or email me.

{hugs)

[ItalianJob]

sorry you are having a tough time. Agree with others - sounds like you need to talk to GP/HV (i.e. a sympathetic and hopefully knowledgeable health professional). Alcohol is a depressant, so is really best avoided if you are feeling this low. And no more talking about yourself like a freak. OCD affects 3% of the population - it really is more common than you would think. There's loads of useful self-help material out there on OCD - I could recommend some books if you would find that helpful. Also the no panic website is quite good.

Who did you have the CBT with? was it the counsellor or a clinical psychologist? I saw a counsellor when PG (main problem OCD) who was as much use as a chocolate teapot, but then saw a psychologist (private) who was brill.

[Rhubarb]

Change your doctor. You are entitled to.
Remember this, the way you are feeling today will not last forever. Think back to your last happy memories, life can be like that again, you will not always be in this black hole. Things change, that is the nature of life, nothing is constant. Your situation will change and you will feel ok again. Hang onto that.

I know what you mean about needing help but being suffocated. See if your NEW GP can refer you to a CPN. Pull no punches with the GP, tell them you feel suicidal, then you'll see a CPN quicker. You can make appointments in your own time, they can see you or you can see them, they can offer other help, but ultimately it's up to you to take it.

There is only one person who can get you out of this, and that's you. Others can help, but you need to accept that help and have the courage to grab hold of life once again. What have you got to lose? You can't feel any worse right? So tell your dp and your GP and get that help that you need. Don't just wallow in it, fight it, refuse to let it win. Your children need you, your dp needs you. If you end it all, they will never forgive you or themselves and their lives will be forever screwed. Whereas you can teach them about bravery and coping, about empathy with others who are struggling, about asking for help when times are tough. They will respect you for not giving in, for fighting back. You've a lot of life to live yet, so go out there and live it!

[screwed]

Thank you, all of you, it really helps.

I recognise I'm having a bad patch and that it will change. I've been fighting this for some years now and I trot along semi-ok (but not as good as I can be) and then I hit a wall. Just seems the wall gets harder.

I have been trying lots of stuff but I've not found the one thats best for me yet.

My CBT was with a private physchologist. She was helpful but I didn't really connect, and I'm not sure she has kids so I felt not a deep understanding of the issues we were discussing. It took me years to approach counselling and when I took the step it felt like I was on the brink of something big but......I was kind of hoping for something deeper, explanations of why I feel the way I do so that I could unravel it and release it all. Find some peace. Why do I feel worthless when I move mountains everyday and should feel proud? Why do I fel responsible for all the bad things that happen? Why do I need to wipe the worktops every night before bed? Why does having a clean, tidy and organised house make me feel secure, safe and patient? We moved house a year ago and the backlog of job to do here is frightenting to me.

I adore my 3 kids, they are all v young but the demands are high and my dp (who is hugely supportive just not totally able to understand, and who could blame him) has an extremely demanding and reponsible position and so is already coping with such a lot when he has to come home at the end of the week and mop me up too. I feel awful for him. We could afford a nanny but its so much not me. I'm really particular about how my kids are spoken to, how they are raised and I can't accept things being done another way, it unsettles me. I had someone coming in a couple of afternoons to help but I'm in the process of reducing her hours with a view to her leaving soon because I've found it too complicated to have her here. (Emotionally she's leaned on me a bit and I'm so nice I've ended up being her listening board and I recognise thats not a good thing!!!!!).

I could type and type and type but I've just realised the time and I need to be somewhere else!!!!

Thank you so much for being there. x

[screwed]

I went back to see the herbalist earlier today. In an effort to avoid doctors and medication really and also to help myself not cover it up.

And so I have picked myself up, dusted myself down and it begins again and I can only hope that it is the beginning of a new journey with a happy continuation, not ending.

I got the most lovely letter this morning too. Its funny how sometimes these things arrive just at the right moment. Its from a man (an old man) that has known me since I was just a baby. I bumped into him on Friday and his letter is sad because its written in such a way that tells me he's losing the plot (just a little, and who am I to talk!!!) and happy because he writes how fantastic it was to see me and that really gives you a boost when you're feeling useless. Its an old fashioned picture of a mother and her squashy toddler entitled Take Care of Yourself. What a lovely man .

Thanks all.

[screwed]

Once I start I just can't shut up!

Italianjob can you tell me more about the books on OCD and the no panic website. This is self diagnosis really but while I'm undercover and being totally honest I know I have a problem.

[panicpants]

screwed, glad you're feeling more positive today. Have you tried taking iron suppliments? I've heard they help with depression,if you're sure you don't want to see gp.

Your dp sounds lovely, like mine, but they just can't understand how you feel. I don't think anyone really can unless they've been through themselves, or at the very least have had children.

Thinking of you x

[panicpants]

Oh sorry forgot to say I've changed my name - used to be jmum6

[ItalianJob]

books - Lee Baer is very good - particular titles I can think of are "Getting Control" and "Imp of the Mind"

otherwise - OCD Workbook by Pedrick and Hyman

Tormenting thoughts and Secret Rituals by Ian Osborne

[screwed]

Panicpants, I must be feeling better, I smile at the name! Been taking multivitamins (big expensive ones that have 30000% of RDA) so I'm hopefully covered. Thanks for checking in on me.

Thanks italian, I'm onto amazon tomorrow.

[naswm]

Just read your thread screwed. I too dont want to take ADs although have been 'advised' by people on here to take them. And I've got the distinct opinion I wont get any more sympathy here because I wont go to the doctor. (like you it is difficult for me and although people may say change your gp, it ISNT actually that easy to do).

I admire you for your honesty about this. I just wanted to say Hi, and that I know how you are feeling. Not sure if we have spoken before as you have changed your name.

How are you today btw?

naswm

[screwed]

Hi naswm, I don't think we've met before but we have now .

I guess I've been avoiding the doctor for years. I once mentioned it to one of the doctors who immediately suggested ADs and then suggested counselling. It was 4 years from then that I finally sought out counselling. I guess part of not wanting to see the doctor is that they never, ever, ever seem to have the time to care and you feel like you're the 100th person to say the same stuff. Also, when you visit regularly with your kids you don't want to be pre-judged.

I will go eventually I guess if I get to rock bottom. I'm just hoping that I find something else before that happens. I'm going to try everything complementary, every diet suggestion etc etc.

Today was not a good day. I'm find mornings really, really hard and then I'm not too bad and then the stress of the evening kids routine gets me again. By this time of night I'm okay usually.

I just feel horribly guilty that my feelings might affect my gorgeous kids. The younger ones wont notice much but my eldest I think will pick up my mood as much as I try to hide it.

I have to keep chipping away for their sake. I know I can do it.

[naswm]

Hi screwed. This was weird. I went to bed, couldn't sleep, so got up, thought I'd check on here and then your post flashed up. Hi

[screwed]

What is it they say, great minds think alike, fools seldom differ. We are the former surely?

[naswm]

lol scrwed

[naswm]

do you know it is very hard to type screwed without bashing out each letter individually?! And I am totally sober tonight

[screwed]

I think I was bashing when I started the thread! I should have just put my regular name. I'm not that well known on here generally its just i have one or two friends here and I was quite ashamed of myself. Must go to bed, part of the self treatment! Night.