I just can't do it anymore, it's too much

[raininginbaltimore]

So much history, probably boring. I have bipolar, dd was born in August. She has been a very difficult baby, finally diagnosed with reflux and cmpi. But before that we've had hospital admissions, tube feeding and weight loss. As well as the screaming.

I was in a mother and baby unit until November. Things were bloody hard. We have a DS too, who is 3. We had to pay for him to go in full time childcare, and DH had to take loads of time off work.

DH never wanted a second baby, and then he change his mind. Except apparently he didn't, he recently told me that he just did it because he thought I would always resent him. Turns out it has been as hard as he imagined. We were having relationship counselling ad things started to get better.

Then two weeks ago I fell down stairs and broke my foot. And now things are awful. I can't look after the children, DH work won't let him have anymore time off. So they are in childcare, which we can't afford as I am on statutory maternity pay. We have maxed our overdraft, we can't borrow any money. DH is exhausted, he is having to work full time and do all the evenibvstuff himself, cooking, cleaning, bath time, bed time etc.

He is exhausted. Tonight was horrendous. DS just whines and cries all the time. Dd is a bad sleeper an will only really sleep in day on pushchair, but at childminder she can't. So today she had 1 hour and screamed hysterically for 2 hours. There was nothing I could do, jut hold her. I couldn't rock her or take her out in pushchair. And DH is angry I can tell, I know he blames me for all this.

I hate my life. It i so shit. I want to end it. I can't do it anymore.

[amillionyears]

First off, I dont know anything about bipolar, just thought I should say that.

I had to look up what a mother and baby unit was.
You have had it so hard

Is there anybody at all that can give you a hand [not sure that is the best turn of phrase!] with the childcare, so you dont have to spend quite so much money on a childminder?

[Misty9]

Oh hon. Firstly, here's a virtual hug. Next, don't worry about dh - he'll survive and single mums often have to do ft work and all the childcare.

Next. You. Have you got a cpn? Meds? Sorry to ask...but is there anyone you can contact to talk to? You need to look after yourself first and foremost in order to be able to care for anyone else. Have you thought about contacting home start? I know they often have waiting lists, but might be worth getting on one.

You've had to cope with a lot in the last six months, so please don't beat yourself up for finding things difficult now. No experience of reflux or CMPI, but have heard they're awful and really take it out of you. Is there any family or friends who could help with the dc? With your foot, can you not put weight on it then? Did the hospital not realise you have two young children - would've thought they might give you some advice about practicalities.

Please, for the sake of your children, don't give up. You can get through this, even if its one hour at a time. Try helplines like crysis, Samaritans, and contact your hv for help too.

Are you alone tonight? Please talk to your dh/someone x

[raininginbaltimore]

I'm not alone. I'm on lithium and venlafaxine. I am waiting for homestart to match me with a volunteer.

All our friends have children, so can do the odd hour but it is hard. I can't put any weight on it at moment, I'm on crutches. So I can't carry anything etc. I feel so useless. The orthopaedic consultant didn't seem to care. In fact he messed me around in regards to surgery so I missed a chance to get help.

I have a CPN, I phoned today but she is off. I have an appt with my psych tomorrow.

[Misty9]

It sounds like you are asking for help, so that's good, and it's this bit in between which is hard. If you have serious thoughts about harming yourself, pls call the duty team or Samaritans though.

You can do this. You're doing the best you can in really shitty circumstances. How long are you in plaster for? I'm assuming you get the free 15hrs for your older child? Definitely try talking to your hv - they must have come across these situations before and have some tips/ideas.

I would say do the bare minimum for now - children don't really need bathing more than once a week (unless really filthy) and living off oven ready and convenience food for a while wont do them any harm. Not sure how it would work in reality, but could you have dd with you and have all supplies etc nearby? Sling? Or is she crawling? Sorry for all the questions - feel free to ignore them.

Are you managing to do anything nice for yourself at the moment? Even just a nice bath when kids are in bed (does dd sleep??) or a catch up with a friend? Try to think that the incapacity is temporary and remember you will get through this.