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Just want to offload I suppose -PTSD related.

(5 Posts)
chipsahoy Sun 20-Jan-13 20:03:33

Thank you for the lovely responses. It's nice to know it was read.

I'm a little better today. I went to church and had a little cry. I try so hard to stay strong at home/ work, it's good to have an outlet, somewhere I can go cry.

I've spent some time drafting out what I might say to my family. I now feel very tired though, drained I suppose.

I'm not sure when they will know, soon, weeks rather than months time I think.

amillioneyears, it seems you've already read why I have these symptoms. I have a history of sexual abuse and an attack.

I've pretty much lived as if though things didn't happen, pretending so well that I convinced myself. I feel better for admitting the truth, but it's still very very hard. I think the worst thing is how secret it all was and has continued to be. Keeping it a secret has kept me a victim, I've remained ashamed and embarrassed. I don't want that any longer.

It helps to put it all down here. I sometimes feel so alone with this, so few know and I worry about what they will think, their expectations, upsetting them. It's good to be able to be honest here.
Mumsnet has given me confidence with this. As a community, rape and abuse victims are mostly believed and supported. I've only every heard and readynegativity and victim blaming around abuse before. It's refreshing to hear the options of the mumsnetters. I feel supported, knowing there are women out their who would believe me and realise what a huge impact these things have had on me.

amillionyears Sun 20-Jan-13 13:22:33

Just seen another post of yours on another thread.
Guessed it might have something to do with that. sad

amillionyears Sun 20-Jan-13 13:19:36

Glad you have wrote it.
I also have now read it.

I agree with prettypolly1's post.

No experience of PTSD.

You so do not have to be ok.

Do you want to talk any more on here about what happened?
I hope it all goes as well as it can go with your family.

prettypolly1 Sat 19-Jan-13 11:07:21

You make perfect sense to me. smile

People don't understand that when they tell you things like 'you're so strong, you're so brave, you're doing so well', they can scare you and make you feel as though you have something to live up to and there is pressure.

Sometimes it is OK to not be strong. Sometimes it is OK to just want to curl up alone and not do anything. Sometimes it is OK not to leave your bed all day and just lie in darkness and quiet. Sometimes it is OK to cry.

It doesn't mean you are a weak person. And it is not unhealthy. It is healthy to listen to your body. You have the right to react however you want to your situation. If that means breaking down occasionally, then that is normal. Coming to terms with something awful from your past is so so difficult. And you need time to grieve.

Anyone who cares about you will not be disappointed.

chipsahoy Sat 19-Jan-13 10:56:37

I'm sitting at home, baby is sleeping, DS is happily playing on the floor, DH is out shopping. I'm cuddled on the couch with blanket, tea and netbook. Later we aim to go for a stomp in the snow and build a snowman.
Sounds lovely.

But I am feeling so very ill. I have symptoms of PTSD and currently in counselling dealing with my past. We are working up to telling everyone, all my family, getting the secret out in the open. I'm utterly, utterly terrified. This is life changing stuff.
I'm angry and sad at the same time, I'm afraid of what's to come, I'm feeling triggered by the past. I'm snappy with DH, I'm struggling to interact with my lovely DC this morning. I don't want to be touched, but so desperately need a hug. I don't want to see the dr, they will push for a diagnosis of PTSD and give me drugs. I've been off anti depressants for a while and feel better for it. I don't feel depressed. I'm not denying my feelings, it's not frozen anger, I'm simply reacting to my past and what is to come soon in terms of telling everyone.
Counselling was only yesterday, so the weekends are normally rubbish for me, I'll feel better by mid next week.

I just feel so much expectation to be ok, even from my counsellor. He always says how well I handle it, how I more than cope. So now I feel I have to be ok, I can't let anyone down. My DH and my Minister say the same, that I'm so strong, I'm brave and doing so well. I don't want to disappoint them by falling apart.

This is all disjointed, probably makes little sense, I probably should have just journalled this instead, but you know what, i need to know someone has read it..

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