a very bad week

[UnicornCentaur]

I'm not sure where to start. Nothing bad happened but i feel like it has and haven't been able to get out of bed.

I spoke to someone at university yesterday and they said they'd check on me today but with the snow they must have forgotten. I am known to the CMHT and will see my counsellor next week but things are getting worse really fast and i just can't sit there and tell her that. They know i am depressed but have started self harming when things get bad as it helps with the stress and have noticed that im planning quite a lot too although i don't think i am a suicide risk

Can anyone offer any practical help for getting through the weekend? I'm on my own and can't really go out because of the snow. My concentration is shot but i know im not helping myself by sitting staring at the wall...

[UnicornCentaur]

I'm not sure i'm that bad, i feel a bit fragile but surely if the woman i saw yesterday had been concerned she would have followed up?? Part of it is my fault because i was so exhausted i couldn't talk to her for very long.

I have the samaritans number and i've rung before but at the moment i'm only really in danger of hurting myself, i haven't had any suicidal thoughts today at all

[AgentZigzag]

Being in danger of hurting yourself isn't an 'only'.

It's a legitimate reason to ask for someone else's help, it shouldn't be looked on just in comparison to 'it's not as though I'm suicidal', you must feel really distressed to want to do it.

You matter, and wanting to hurt yourself is significant.

I think you should tell them things are getting rapidly worse, they need to know. Did you tell the woman you saw on Thursday exactly what was going on? If you didn't feel able to say it out loud, could you write it down and give it to whoever you see?

Honestly though, you really shouldn't wait for whatever appointment is up next, there are people there who want to and can help you feel as though you can cope a bit better.

You don't have to do it alone, let them help

[UnicornCentaur]

Thanks agentzigzag

I went to see her on Thursday because i got horrendously drunk on Tues night and was unconscious for 3 hours. My friends left me sat up against the wall in case i vomited... which i did without waking up so its probably a good job they did. I don't drink much so this was unlike me.

I have noticed that my worst weeks are when i'm anxious as well as depressed because if im just depressed i can just stay in bed and accept things. When i'm anxious i get really stressed about the fact that i don't want to do anything with my life, haven't got anyone to talk to about this. Before this started 2 years ago i was really ambitious and doing really well but now i'm just glad when every week is over.

I have had a relatively good weekend though, stayed in bed (nice and warm!) sewing and will talk to my counsellor tomorrow. I have mentioned stuff like this before and she asks if i want an emergency psych appointment but i always put her off because i hate the idea of having to tell them how bad things are. Maybe i just need to build a bridge and get over it.

[HellesBelles396]

have you anything else to sew? an activity that involves creating something is an excellent weapon against depression.

[AgentZigzag]

I think it would be good to let them in on how you're really feeling Unicorn, it doesn't necessarily mean you'd lose all control over your situation, but you shouldn't have to struggle on if there's a chance of at least a small improvement in the way you feel.

If you don't feel able to tell anyone from the CMHT, is there anyone else like family or friends you could draw on for support?

It's horrible when it's a Friday and you see the weekend looming knowing you're freaking out and wondering whether you can endure it.

I used to do a lot of sewing, embroidery/patchwork/general making stuff, it all went downhill when I found the the internet and it lured me in

[UnicornCentaur]

I too have found making things very therapeutic when i don't feel very good

I did have a couple of really close friends and my parents to sort me out when it all went tits up but i lost that over xmas. One friend said she had too much on her plate and couldn't cope with all my crap on top, the other moved to the USA with work.

The situation with my parents is complicated because they aren't happy that i have MH issues and only want to hear that things are rosy. They said that it puts lots of stress on them because i'm quite selfish when i am having a bad patch. This kind of leaves me on my own with the CMHT and i find it very difficult not to start telling jokes the minute i get in there....

[HellesBelles396]

Ah the anxious-person's need to be liked! it has a lot to answer for.

try writing everything you want to say down beforehand and passing it over if you're worried you're not expressing yourself properly.

that you feel unsupported. there are often local support groups that it might be worth checking into though I didn't go down that route.

[AgentZigzag]

It's completely the norm to be 'selfish' if the mental health problems get so bad that you're treading water trying to stay afloat.

There isn't any room for anything else, it can be all consuming.

Which is where a parent letting you down and not offering unconditional love, can cut to the bone.

What would you like to happen Uni? (apart from it fucking off and never darkening your door again )

[UnicornCentaur]

Yes that is what i'd like

i guess i want someone else to be in charge for a bit so i don't have to think of make any decisions

[HellesBelles396]

could you take a sabbatical (i did after my second year) to recuperate?

though, if you don't feel comfortable at home, it would add the stress of finding somewhere to live and affording it. perhaps, if you decide to, your parents could help financially?

on the downside, if you live alone and have no-one to force you out of the door, you can become very easily isolated. which seems to be in the situation you are in now and one of the reasons you are struggling so badly.

[UnicornCentaur]

well I believe that is was is technically known as a fucking waste of time

I went to see the counsellor and told her how bad everything was and that i wasnt coping at all and she suggested I think positive until my psych appt on Friday

I would take.a sabbatical but I have already had one for other reasons

[HellesBelles396]

ok, so what will help you get through the week?

[UnicornCentaur]

sorry I have been having a massive pity party for a couple of days...

Right so I have a CMHT appt on Friday. I need them to realise that this is the worst I have ever been despite being on a high dose SSRI and mirtazipine. Im not sure that there is anything more they can do as I dont have a diagnosis yet.

I have history for being really bad mh wise and going in there and becoming a stand up comedian and telling them life is great. how do I stop this from happening?

[HellesBelles396]

write it down

[UnicornCentaur]

thanks helles. that is obvious now you have said it! Need to engage brain

will post an update after my appt

[HellesBelles396]

everything is! it's hard to find a solution when you're feeling this way - symptom of the disease.

[UnicornCentaur]

that appt went better I think.

so far everyone has been working on the basis that I have bipolar or some kind of mood disorder. today she said they would like to include BPD in my diagnosis because of previous symptoms and the suicide/self harm stuff. im not sure what to make of it yet tbh.

anyway my medication is staying as it is. I havent slept properly for weeks which is not helped by the fact that when I sleep my dreams are so vivid I have trouble telling what was dream and what is real. my anxiety is worse too, yesterday I couldnt go to bed because I was scared someone was.going to throw a bomb through the bedroom window. I know its ridiculous but at the same time I cant convince myself it wont happen.

I could ramble on but I dont think it makes much sense

[HellesBelles396]

it's ok - it doesn't need to make sense

I'm glad the appointment went better than you feared. what's next for you?

[UnicornCentaur]

I don't have a clue

im gonna carry on with counselling and hope things get better. im not sure how they can but I dont seem to have that many options

[HellesBelles396]

ok then. what do you want to happen now?

[HellesBelles396]

just red my earlier post which sounds very abrupt - really just wondering if there's something that you think would help that you don't know how to access.

[UnicornCentaur]

don't worry it didn't sound abrupt at all!

I know the best way to manage it is with psychotherapy. What bothers me is that I seem to have long periods of time where I'm not really well enough to benefit from that. It just makes me more angry but when I feel better I do find it really helpful.

I wonder if there are better ADs that would stop me from having the awful lows, but my psych says not. I also worry that I am not very good at dealing with the bad parts when they happen.

[HellesBelles396]

not to be flippant - if people were good at dealing with the lows, there wouldn't psychotherapy or ad's. what is involved in psychotherapy? I had cbt.