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Pros and Cons

(82 Posts)
Ambrosiacreamedrice Fri 18-Jan-13 15:59:18

Does anyone else make pro/con lists with regards to suicide? I have such an urge to end it all but I'm still rational, and I'm constantly making and updating a pro/con list, because I've convinced myself that if I can't get it to balance then I'm justified in dying. I talked about it a bit with my GP and we had an interesting discussion about why suicide was decriminalised, but it felt like I was watching myself chatting to him, rather than actually being engaged with the conversation.

I don't really understand how I can manage to be so detached that I can carry on existing, tidying up loose ends, whilst at the same time planning and planning. The pro side of the list is getting longer everyday and I don't think it will ever balance, so I guess that I have my answer. It's a strangely comforting thought, really.

Ambrosiacreamedrice Fri 18-Jan-13 19:25:07

Sorry, reading this back it is all rambling, just ignore.

amillionyears Fri 18-Jan-13 22:37:02

Hi.
Not quite sure what to say, so am partly bumping this.
How long have you been making the list for?

Ambrosiacreamedrice Fri 18-Jan-13 22:44:27

Been making the list for the last few months, think it is pretty much done now. Makes me feel content.

amillionyears Fri 18-Jan-13 22:55:33

Are you on ADs?

Ambrosiacreamedrice Fri 18-Jan-13 22:56:46

No, I'm not ill. I'm me.

amillionyears Fri 18-Jan-13 23:01:55

On the other thread you say you have depression and PTSD.

When you went and saw the GP, what did he say, and did he put you on some pills.

Ambrosiacreamedrice Fri 18-Jan-13 23:05:24

Yes I have depression and PTSD, but I'm not ill. I'm perfectly rational, hold down a full time job and have caring responsibilities. I'm just depressed and don't like living. That's my normal state. I'm not ill as such, so medication doesn't change anything as I do not have a brain chemistry problem.

amillionyears Fri 18-Jan-13 23:09:09

I have several more questions.
Is it all right if I ask them?
I am not a professional.

Ambrosiacreamedrice Fri 18-Jan-13 23:10:25

Yes its fine.

amillionyears Fri 18-Jan-13 23:14:48

Can you describe how you feel?
I dont really know much about PTSD. Did you witness something horrid?

Ambrosiacreamedrice Fri 18-Jan-13 23:16:48

I just feel that there is no point to me. I'm unhappy and a drain and would like to go to sleep.

I didn't witness something horrid, no.

amillionyears Fri 18-Jan-13 23:19:02

There most definitely is a point to you.
I think you have children?

Do you have a partner?

Ambrosiacreamedrice Fri 18-Jan-13 23:22:29

I don't have children or a partner. I can't have either. I take up precious air, time, resources that could be used by others to much better effect.

amillionyears Fri 18-Jan-13 23:23:54

Actually, I have had another look at your other thread.
You talked about siblings. I got a bit confused and thought you had children. Perhaps you dont.

Either way, you are definitely important.

amillionyears Fri 18-Jan-13 23:25:51

x post.

[hugs]

Is there anyone with you?
Do you have friends?

amillionyears Fri 18-Jan-13 23:46:10

You strike me as being bright and articulate.

amillionyears Fri 18-Jan-13 23:47:18

Do you feel trapped sometimes, looking after your sisters children?

Ambrosiacreamedrice Sat 19-Jan-13 19:49:13

I don't feel trapped, this is my life. I care for my mother, I look after my nieces and nephew when necessary and I do what people need me to do. I just don't really want to be alive, and my list suggests that there is little reason to be.

amillionyears Sat 19-Jan-13 19:55:42

Do you have time enough to do nice things for yourself?

Very glad you came back, btw.

Ambrosiacreamedrice Sat 19-Jan-13 20:12:39

I work full time and I'm my mother's carer, and I have to work in the evenings, so no, not really. When I'm looking after the children as well I have to stay up until 2ish to get things done for work, so there is little time.

I'm just of the view that if your life isn't worth living, and you can't change it, why would you want to go on living it?

amillionyears Sat 19-Jan-13 20:24:59

That is too much of a workload for most people. Definitely me for one.
I am also wondering when you last got some proper time off to yourself?

Ambrosiacreamedrice Sat 19-Jan-13 20:28:46

I have holiday time, but the caring increases then. It doesn't really matter. If I'm alive I have to do these things. If I'm dead I don't. Seems simple.

amillionyears Sat 19-Jan-13 20:45:28

I think all the working you are doing is bound to have an impact on your life.
Is there any way that someone can help you out with it all at all?

Ambrosiacreamedrice Sat 19-Jan-13 21:03:14

But it is my life, it has always been my life.

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