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When suicide is the only positive.

(89 Posts)
ThisKikiIsMarvellous Thu 17-Jan-13 00:23:32

New username because I don't want to be identified right now.
Don't want to be me, if I'm quite honest.

I just want to die. There are no negatives to me dying, only positives. I have no reasons to live.

I have such severe social phobia/anxiety that I can't step foot outside/use the phone/be even slightly normal. I am a drain and a waste of space.

Self harmed for so long it feels completely normal, tried it tonight but it's not enough.

Surely there comes a time when you're so useless and pointless that suicide is genuinely better for everyone?

whethergirl Thu 31-Jan-13 12:58:10

How you feeling today ThisKikiIsMarvellous? Be honest, I'm expecting that it's probably not great! How is your day going?

whethergirl Wed 30-Jan-13 23:38:07

Some people might just not find you emotionally draining. And even if they do, and lie about it, it's probably because they care about you.

I was also very paranoid about taking AD's but it was only after taking them I realised the paranoia was very much of my illness.

We all worry about the future. It's natural. However, as well as worry, it's usually mixed with some hope. Others have been in your shoes and then carried on to have happier, functional lives. That is something you can hope for. It's not impossible even though it might just feel it right now.

ThisKikiIsMarvellous Wed 30-Jan-13 15:10:35

Thank you for your honesty. I know I'm a drain, and in a way, it's helpful to have others confirm it. So often people lie and say that I'm not.

I would change ADs. I'm wary of changing simply because of the side effects. I just don't want to go down the route of taking another augmentative med, because it never stops at just one. There is another reason that I don't want to take more meds, paranoia-related.

I try not to worry about the future, but I'm not very good at it. It feels very heavy and bleak, and it tends to creep into my thoughts. I know I need to work on ignoring it.

whethergirl Wed 30-Jan-13 11:00:14

Ok, I'm going to be completely honest. None of what I'm about to say is designed to make you feel better, I'm just going to give you my honest opinion.

I don't think you're being pathetic and whiny. I wouldn't be here if you were, I hate pathetic and whiny. There's a difference between that, and someone actually suffering and sharing that. And even if you were being pathetic and whiny then so what? I am pathetic and whiny every month with PMT!

Yes, you probably are a bit of an emotional drain. I know I was when I wasn't well, especially with my dp at the time. So? Plenty of people are emotionally draining, even without mental health problems. My best friend can be totally emotionally draining and drives me nuts sometimes but I still love her to bits. It doesn't make sense that MH professionals would drop you for that reason, it's their JOB to handle emotionally draining people!

I've been on ADs for years and in no way do I feel fake. I feel like myself. I felt abnormal when I wasn't taking them. It's an illness and I have a responsibility to myself to take medication for it. I forget about it most of the time tbh. People do all sorts of things because they want to be happier. Some people drink every night, some people take recreational drugs, some weight lift until their muscles are huge, some people eat all the time, some clean obsessively. You're on meds anyway, what would be the difference, may as well take some that work. However, I know this is a delicate subject and we do need to be very careful with ADs as it can be difficult to monitor how you are going to react. I just think that, because you said you were happy with the meds you were on, I should point out that if you're feeling the way you do, to the point where suicide seems to be the only option, then I would doubt they are actually working for you?

I'm never going to have a decent job because no-one is going to hire someone who's been out of work for so long without a good reason. Not true at all! There are plenty of people who have been out of work for years for so many reasons! You only need to get one job, any job, to start working again to become employable again. I don't mean get a job now, I'm just trying to show you that at the moment, you have a warped view of the world, that just isn't accurate. It's better than how you see it.

Anyway, you need to take one step at a time, and getting a job is too many steps away. Don't worry so much about the future. Everything you do now can build towards a brighter future. Even if it's walking through the park the next time you go to the docs and sitting on the bench for a while. Or coming on MN to offload. Or writing a message on mn without checking it and pressing send (like many of us do)! Then cringe at what you've written and realise it's not the end of the world. Every little step you take, you will be rewarded, I don't know how but the universe just works like that.

ThisKikiIsMarvellous Wed 30-Jan-13 00:29:27

Thank you both. I'm sorry, I'm just being pathetic and whiny.

It is good that I wouldn't take it out on another person physically. I'm pretty sure I do emotionally though. That could easily be part of why all the MH professionals I've seen have dropped me.

Maybe there is a different med that would work better. I've tried a few, but by no means all of them. I can't bear the thought of having to be on a cocktail of medication just to feel 'normal'. It's too fake.

I just don't think I'm worth the effort. This has just gone on for too long and I am fundamentally useless now. I'm never going to have a decent job because no-one is going to hire someone who's been out of work for so long without a good reason. Even if there was some way to be completely mentally healthy, I'm still going to be me, and the future is still going to be empty because of how long I've been this way.

I'm sorry for being such an insufferable whinge-bag. Trust me, I know how difficult and ridiculous I sound. Please don't feel like you have to tolerate me when I'm being this annoying.

whethergirl Wed 30-Jan-13 00:06:38

ThisKiki, there must be another type of medication that will work better for you. I know how you feel about meds, I was exactly the same until I was well again. Looking back, my paranoia about meds was part of my mental health problem.

It doesn't always have to be like this. I'm sorry you feel you have lost all hope, but you need to know that this is how you feel, it's not how the world really is.

I nearly killed myself about 15 years ago. I truly believed things couldn't get better. I truly believed that people who knew me would be better off without me and that they didn't love me anyway - which is not true. At one point, I could not see myself ever leaving the house.

Now I feel shit if I CAN'T leave the house and get a bit of fresh air. I have a gorgeous ds and I am studying at uni. I would never have believed I could have a normal life.

ThisKiki, please, take my word for it, how you describe yourself - it's not true. Your illness is making you see things in a certain way. I don't want you to feel any pressure by telling you the positive traits I can pick up about you. But just know that no-one is totally worthless, no-one is totally perfect. You are just like us, with a mix of appealing and not so appealing traits. You are not that special, that you are completely worthless are you? I'm sure even Hitler had his good points! On that note, there are people out there that have done terrible things to others. Some of them may also have mental health problems. At least you don't take it out on other people. Can you at least see that as a good point?

Bakingnovice Tue 29-Jan-13 23:50:26

Kiki there is a point to it all. The point is you. Your life. Your future. Please stay and fight for you. No one else can do that for you. You owe it to yourself.

ThisKikiIsMarvellous Tue 29-Jan-13 23:25:18

I'm sorry you feel this way too Middy. It's awful, and I hate to think of other people suffering.

I wish there was some way I could just stop everything. I feel so empty it physically hurts. The only time I'm not feeling completely drained and empty, is because I'm either panicking about something or feeling so sad I can't breathe. There truly is no point to any of this.

Middy86 Tue 29-Jan-13 21:16:53

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ThisKikiIsMarvellous Tue 29-Jan-13 16:36:21

Thank you all for replying.

Korma, I'm very sorry for your loss. I don't have any friends, and very few family, none of whom I'm particularly close to, but I do take your point.

My day could be better. I just don't have the energy to do anything. I've exercised, though I need to do more. I have this really intense feeling of dread, and I can't shift it. All I keep hearing in my head is how pointless this all is.

I'm a bit rubbish at distraction. I have a really short attention span and struggle to concentrate. Normally I watch short programmes, or play online games. Because so many of the thoughts I have are intrusive, I don't really know how to tune them out. I know this sounds bad, but SH is probably the main thing that helps, so I do it daily.

GooseyLoosey Tue 29-Jan-13 15:28:37

Nights can be terrible. I have a large aray of audio books that I listen to a night just to stop me thinking about things. Have you tried anything to distract you at night?

Tobermory Tue 29-Jan-13 15:20:54

Kiki, just found your thread and wanted to say 'hi'. It sounds like life is hard for you right now but it's good that you are posting.

I can relate to some of what you are describing though not all. But I do understand how bleak things can seem, how it feels to feel despair, fear and miserable.

How is your day so far?

Kormachameleon Tue 29-Jan-13 15:15:27

Hi
I'm sorry I haven't read te thread, I will when I have the time
I just wanted to tell you that I have just a few mintes ago learnt of someone we know having committed suicide
He had a 2 month old baby, a lovely wife and family
We are devestated for them
And I also now have to explain to my son what has happened

Suicide , although tempting an believe me when I tell you how tempted I've been, has such an effect on other people and I know it's hard to see that when you feel so bad and when you honestly believe that they would be better off without you
But the truth is your loved ones and friends and family would rarer have you around, even if you are a bit broken

Please stay strong and reach out for some help x

ThisKikiIsMarvellous Tue 29-Jan-13 15:07:45

Thank you both for asking.

Last night wasn't exactly great; everything always feels worse at night, doesn't it? I'm not a very good sleeper, it's always either too little or too much. Couldn't stop crying for most of the night, then kept going back to SH. I normally have a feeling of "that's enough" when I've SH'ed, but that just didn't happen last night.

Just feel horribly low now. Sorry for whining so much.

lizba Tue 29-Jan-13 11:07:41

Morning Thiskiki, how are you feeling today? I hope you've had a better night

GooseyLoosey Tue 29-Jan-13 09:06:54

How are you feeling this morning?

ThisKikiIsMarvellous Mon 28-Jan-13 15:51:50

The idea of hospital terrifies me. Partly because of the stigma of having it on my medical records, partly because of how social it is. I couldn't cope with being around people all the time. As stupid as it sounds, I don't think I could manage to shower/wear make-up every day.
The other thing is that it would take away what control I have, over things like food/SH/general routines. I have a really intense need to be in control.

Goosey, I understand about the fear of dying. I go through phases when it terrifies me, then I return to the default of wanting to die. Completely nonsensical. I do get very worried over a lot of health issues, but it's more about the effects of the disease, than dying itself for me.

I usually see the OT once a month. I haven't seen her since November, because she was busy over Christmas and new year. To be honest, seeing her doesn't really help yet (I've only seen her a handful of times), so I don't feel like I need to see her more frequently. I know my GP wouldn't mind seeing me more often, but I feel awful for using up her time this much as it is.

Thank you both for replying, I'm sorry for being so useless.

GooseyLoosey Mon 28-Jan-13 15:17:40

ThisKiki, I too suffer from anxiety, although not I think to the same degree as you (at least not at the moment).

My greatest fear is dying and having some terrible illness. Like you, the anxiety has at times worn me down to the point when death seems almost a preferable alternative.

However, last time around I woke up to the absurdity of this. How can being dead possibly be better than the fear of death? If I am at the point of welcoming death, there is no basis on which to fear it. I found that this line of reasoning helped at lot when the anxiety was at its worst.

I would also say, that when I am at my worst, I see someone a lot more frequently than every couple of months. I found it helped just to know that someone was looking out for me.

Dying is not a way out.

aufaniae Mon 28-Jan-13 15:16:21

You don't sound pathetic at all. You sound like someone experiencing an awful illness.

Why are you scared to go into hospital? My friend did (as a voluntary patient. She was basically given the choice of admitting herself or being sectioned). I have no idea if hospital itself helped or not, but the care she received overall definitely helped. I know she's much better now.

What do you have to lose by admitting how you are feeling?

ThisKikiIsMarvellous Mon 28-Jan-13 15:04:30

Thank you for replying.

I can't see things changing. This is pretty much how they've always been.

I'm seeing my GP next week. I don't know how much I can tell her though. Last time I tried, she told me to speak to the OT. I don't trust the OT, and I can't possibly talk to her about SH/suicidal stuff.
I'm scared if I say too much to the GP, she'll put me in hospital. I've admitted to being suicidal to her, but never dared to admit that I have a plan and the means to carry it out.

I'm trying to write about this as unemotionally as I can, and it's not working. My head is alternating between panic, screaming at me, and a horrible emptiness. Sorry, I know I sound utterly pathetic.

aufaniae Mon 28-Jan-13 07:53:07

Kiki one of my best friends felt as low as you do a few years ago. I won't go into the detail but she very nearly did kill herself.

She is a different person today, only a few years later. She's happy, enjoying life.

One of the things that has helped is getting her meds right. She says it felt so clear to her at the time that everyone would be better off without her, but looking back it's absolutely clear this was the illness making her think that.

It may seem like pie in the sky now, but I promise you the only way out is not dying. You are unwell, and that is the illness talking. There is a future where you are happy and well and look back on feeling like this as a dark period in your life which is firmly in tha past!

Please, talk to your doctor about how you are feeling. It can't hurt.

And please, keep talking to us!

ThisKikiIsMarvellous Mon 28-Jan-13 01:32:22

Thank you.

I don't think it's right that I keep on posting because the only way out of this, is dying. I don't have the energy for anything else. I'm exhausted and empty, and I've had enough.

I realise how pathetic that sounds, and I'm sorry for it. I don't think I should inflict myself on people, especially when there's nothing anyone can do.

aufaniae Sun 27-Jan-13 21:08:20

Kiki, you are not a drain. Mumsnet is a support site (among the chit chat!), and many of us come here when we need support of one kind and another.

Lovely of you to say thank you, but please do feel you can come here to talk whenever you need to.

Hope you're feeling well today xx

ThisKikiIsMarvellous Fri 25-Jan-13 22:02:34

I wasn't going to post again, but I feel far too guilty for not thanking people who've posted since I last did. So, thank you for taking the time to be so helpful. I really appreciate how thoughtful and kind you all are.

ChicaT, I've tried meditation in the past, but never 'properly'. It's always just been from reading on websites how to do it, then doing it myself. I must have been doing it wrong, because I found it very distressing. I need to keep my mind occupied, because so many of the thoughts I have are intrusive and overwhelming. The fact that you need to effectively wipe your mind to meditate meant that the intrusive (anxious/hateful) thoughts were too much for me to deal with.
I don't have access to anything with apps, but I'll have a look for mp3 versions.

I use Rescue Remedy sometimes. I always take it when I have to go outside, though that's quite rare. I don't feel like it does much physically, but it doesn't hinder, so I keep on taking it. I've not had anything like reflexology, mostly because I can't bear people touching me.

I don't feel like it would be right of me to keep on posting, but I felt horribly rude for not saying thank you.

ChicaT Thu 24-Jan-13 01:26:13

Hello again, this will be a quick post - I should be asleep but wanted to check how you were. Have you considered meditation? There are some really accessible easy to use meditation apps out there. I've found that they really help calm my mind, and make my mind stronger when faced with depression. I'm currently using Headspace which is a little programme of 10-minute guided meditations, the idea is to do one a day (though I forget sometimes, don't beat yourself up if you do too!). Very gentle voice and only warmth and guidance, it's very easy. Another one are the guided meditations from Andrew Johnson - he has a whole set which address different issues from social phobia to inspiring confidence to getting fit. He has an incredibly soothing voice. You don't have to do anything - even just put the app on while you're in bed about to fall asleep. It can only make you feel better, and I promise it doesn't hurt! It's also something you can easily do in your own home where you feel safe. I also recommend the website Mindapples. A couple of friends of mine with direct experience in serious mental health issues have been heavily involved in it - it's a great organization and a very simple concept. Check out their website for a better explanation than I can give while sleepy! And finally have you thought about trying reflexology or Bach flower remedies? My reflexologist prescribes the flower remedies and I found the anti-anxiety ones quite helpful. Reflexology is very gentle and calming and the therapists are terribly caring. And there are many who will come to you so again you can stay where you feel safe. Take care and remember you can always come here if you need support and a bit of love, any time.

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