Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, see our mental health web guide which can point you to expert advice.

Waiting for the crisis team - support needed.

(1000 Posts)

I have posted on the sertraline thread but wanted to post elsewhere.

I have been feeling increasingly unwell over the past few weeks and my self harm has increased. In the past week I have started to see signs from God that I should kill myself. I know that these are irrational thoughts but I am finding it hard not to believe them.

I saw my psychologist today and I was very upset because I feel so confused. I know what the signs are telling me but I am so scared. I don't know what the right thing to do is.

After I saw him I sat in my car for an hour outside the CMHT office, I couldn't move or do anything I just felt so stuck. The songs on the radio were giving me signs and I know that I have to hurt myself properly but I am so scared.

I went back inside and spoke to him again. He rang the crisis team and said that he had told them that while I am normally very high risk at the most they felt I was at a significant risk of harm that could only be managed in hospital.

They are coming out at 8pm to assess me for an admission.

I am so scared. I have been IP twice in the past six months. I feel like such a failure. I know I am seeing connections that aren't there, and my psychologist said that I am delusional but I can't shake it.

I am scared of an admission, scared of being at home and killing myself tonight. Scared. sad

I am not a bad person but all of these signs are showing me that I am.

larahusky Sat 27-Jul-13 21:37:53

Fluffy. I really do understand - it is the last straw when you have to cope with loads of bureaucracy to get drugs you only half want to take...

Your husband is probably feeling sad because you two have gone through such a lot the last year. It was probably a mournful, throwaway comment. Quite a wistful thing to say and I can understand how it would upset you, but you probably are different as a result of all you have undergone - quite understandably.

Take care and don't dwell too much on it.

TheSilverySoothsayer Sun 28-Jul-13 17:05:07

fluffy so glad your SW is helping you through the minefield of an ESA claim - I really would not recommend anyone to do it on their own these days, so complicated has it become.

Even better that she is going to accompany you to the medical - needing someone to go with you, and actually having someone go with you is not just a help, it is part of your claim, so v v important.

It is weird being part of the process, because you must not minimise, you have to say how bad things are. So paradoxically finding it hard to explain may have helped your claim.

At the same time, you want to get better smile IMHO it is an outrage that the smallest steps to recovery can be taken as evidence that someone is fit to seek work. Obviously you want to stay out of hospital, have therapy, comply with meds if poss. So in a way you have to divide yourself in two - the ill claimant, and the recovering person with mh issues.

Your DH sounds lovely, all those sandwiches and takeaways and stuff. Forgive him for showing a little of his stress - the fact he felt able to say it means he thinks you will understand, I think. I am sending him a hug anyway - please pass it on wink

Remember to report the thoughts to your CPN, and the fact that you have insight about them. It sounds like you might be on high alert, so more likely to notice movements, changing shadows etc.

And a [hug] for you.

Lara you have summed it up really well, it is hard work fighting for tablets I would really rather not take. I just find it hard to get that my thinking is so weird I need tablets to change it sad

When I read threads a lot of threads about people finding the side effects from anti-depressants and I always felt lucky because I have not foundn them to be too bad. Even sertraline that turned me into a sweaty twitchy nervous wreck did not interfer in my life too much (admittedly I was on a Section 3 and so my life was already pretty interfered with!). But I guess this is my comeuppance because the side effects and the psychology of anti-psychotics are just shitty. Rant rant rant.

I got a letter saying my psychology referal has come through which is good. But I am on a waiting list which is probably a billion million years and I wonder how long I can wait before it all gets too much. I am concious of things bubbling under the surface and I am trying to push them all away because I am not in the right place mentally to deal with them. But it is hard to have to push everything away all the time.

This is all very negative which is bad.

I have had a really nice day today. Lunch with a friend and then sat out in the garden and had a BBQ with DH this evening. I cross stitched a little cupcake yesterday and it was the first time I have done any cross stitch in a year so that is all positive. I am seeing my friend tomorrow and my CPN is coming to my house tomorrow. I usually go to see her so she is coming so I can show her some parts of my life, like photos and meet my cat etc. Just to get a fuller picture of me.

Sorry this is so long, I should blog but I kind of like posting here. I keep thinking about writing a book but then I would be ever so frustrated that nobody would read it!!

TheSilverySoothsayer Fri 02-Aug-13 01:05:09

And I really like hearing about your days smile

xtinamummy27 Fri 02-Aug-13 02:23:28

Hey fluffy, I just (unbelievably) read this whole thread, it was completely gripping. I have to say it has really helped me as I have just been referred to cmht. It was so insightful to read a blow by blow account of a crisis as it happened, and your thoughts and feelings while you were going through it. The unusual thought processes, admissions to hospital, suicide attempts etc. It was also amazing to read about your treatment and your obv strength or character helping you start on the road to recovery, I am sending big love and positivity your way and hope you continue to get well. Thank you for being so candid about your journey and please continue to post here, it is really helpfull to hear about other peoples struggles and triumphs within the arc of mental illness, makes me feel that little bit less alone smile

Thanks xtinamummy I hope you are ok, you will get through it, I have had a very positive experience of the CMHT.

And hello silvery smile

I want to cut cut cut cut cut cut cut cut.

I won't. Well maybe.

But I want to.

Bugger.

TheSilverySoothsayer Fri 02-Aug-13 22:20:41

Quick, do some colouring in!

[hugs] brew

I have been having lots of crappy thoughts which is a bit frustrating, wish I felt differently. I am doing all the right things though, staying safe, taking my meds, trying to think positively, keeping busy. I just wish it would work!

SnowyMouse Thu 08-Aug-13 17:26:39

Hugs fluffy ! It sounds like you're doing a good job with distraction, I hope it kicks in soon.

Thanks snowy how are you these days?

I am going out for a meal tonight with friends which will be nice. I have had quite a social week which has kept me busy. I suppose that is for the best.

I really don't want another crisis, so it is frustrating to feel like this.

I keep thinking that I can cut myself just a little bit and it will be ok, but I know it won't be, I never do just a little bit. And some of the weirder stuff is making sense again. Grr. I feel quite disconnected inside and I am a bit twitchy but I think that is the meds.

Maybe this is all part of God's plan, it is so hard to know what is real sometimes. I am so tired of being unsure!

On the plus side I have had a nice week and we are going on holiday next week which is all very exciting.

Apileofballyhoo Mon 19-Aug-13 21:12:41

Hi fluffy, I read your thread - hope you are ok and enjoying your holiday.

I go on holiday this week, very excited smile

I went swimming today and braved showing my thighs to the world (well the people at the pool) nobody screamed and ran away so I was happy with that.

I am incredibly restless which is frustrating because I want to be calm. My CPN is going to sort out some medication to help me with it. I also have been feeling quite depressed, feel like I am going through the motions a bit. I am trying to be positive and there are loads of positives but I feel a bit weighed down by things. I seriously considered using a ligature (as you do) last night which is shitty, but I didn't which is good.

I feel like my instinct is to minimise and not make a fuss, I feel so whiney sometimes talking about the bad stuff.

SnowyMouse Tue 20-Aug-13 21:06:42

Glad you've got the holiday to look forward to, fluffy Sorry about the restlessness, that can be horrible sad

It's good to talk about things if you can.

I went to give blood today, you have to say if you are on any medications and as soon as they realised I was on anti-psychotics it all got a bit weird. The nurse kept asking me if I felt well, did I feel well, how did I feel etc. Said she had to make sure I could give consent. I said very clearly that I have capacity which she did agree with. Asked for lots of details about what was wrong with me, about who I saw, when did I see them, what did we do in my sessions. I know they have to make sure but it made me feel very uncomfortable and ashamed that I was on anti-psychotics. The nurse was very nice about it all and I understand why they check but still very uncomfortable. At least I gave blood though smile

Elderflowergranita Thu 22-Aug-13 22:55:20

Good for you Fluffy. I know what you mean though: all the questions etc can be a bit 'children of a lesser God'.

As though every action and process you go through in life is defined by a diagnosis.

How long til your holiday? By the way, well done on showing your thighs (though I'm sure yours are fabulous, it's just a major hang up of mine grin).

Having my thighs on display and giving blood are two activities I certainly don't feel capable of this week!

I go on holiday today smile Have had loads of stressy hissy fights with DH, it is humid so I am all sweaty but we are packed and ready. Just need to have a quick shower before we go.

My thighs are bad because of the scarring on them, they were not very pretty before but I have done a real number on them, I am worried about people commenting on holiday but I am hoping I will be too drunk relaxed from cocktails that I won't care.

Can't quite believe that I have finally made it to our holiday and stayed stable since May smile

Right must shower...!

SnowyMouse Fri 23-Aug-13 18:00:18

Have a lovely holiday! grin

EmmaGellerGreen Fri 23-Aug-13 18:18:29

Happy holidays Fluffy!

Elderflowergranita Fri 23-Aug-13 18:46:07

Have a fab holiday!

Holiday was fantastic. Very relaxing and about 50% of the time I was just focused in the moment and enjoying myself which is progress. I didn't even stress too much about the scars on my legs, just sort of styled it out. I did get a few looks but nothing I couldn't handle. We just chilled out and ate good food and generally had a lovely, sunny time.

I am dealing with some strange thoughts at the moment which is frustrating, they are just little niggles but a bit hard to ignore.

SnowyMouse Sat 07-Sep-13 16:31:37

Hi fluffy, lovely to hear from you! I'm glad your holiday went so well!
Can you challenge the thoughts? I'm not doing so well at the moment, CT daily.

Oh I am sorry to hear that Snowy, is it helping? I hope you feel better soon.

I do challenge the thoughts but they make so much sense, so sometimes it seems silly to challenge things I know to be true, even though I know that nobody will see it that way. Like I challenge them but inside I know I am only doing it because people tell me too and not because I don't believe them. My CPN said that the risperidone I take will help with that and we are still upping my dose gradually so maybe these thoughts will stop soon. It makes my head feel so busy sometimes. I think that is why the holiday was so good for me, gave me a bit of a break from things.

Sorry I have waffled.

SnowyMouse Sat 07-Sep-13 18:32:19

It's not helping particularly, threat of a MHA assessment is being held over my head since Friday sad

I haven't had the guts to tell them I can't see the point in challenging the thoughts. I am trying to challenge them even so.

A break sounds a good plan however you can manage one, I hope the risperidone helps soon.

coxspippin Sun 08-Sep-13 14:09:46

dear fluffy, such good news that you had a lovely holiday.(i hope to travel to wales, llandudno with mum soon). i hope the risperidone helps soon too, and the gradually upping dosage.

This thread is not accepting new messages.