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Waiting for the crisis team - support needed.

(1000 Posts)

I have posted on the sertraline thread but wanted to post elsewhere.

I have been feeling increasingly unwell over the past few weeks and my self harm has increased. In the past week I have started to see signs from God that I should kill myself. I know that these are irrational thoughts but I am finding it hard not to believe them.

I saw my psychologist today and I was very upset because I feel so confused. I know what the signs are telling me but I am so scared. I don't know what the right thing to do is.

After I saw him I sat in my car for an hour outside the CMHT office, I couldn't move or do anything I just felt so stuck. The songs on the radio were giving me signs and I know that I have to hurt myself properly but I am so scared.

I went back inside and spoke to him again. He rang the crisis team and said that he had told them that while I am normally very high risk at the most they felt I was at a significant risk of harm that could only be managed in hospital.

They are coming out at 8pm to assess me for an admission.

I am so scared. I have been IP twice in the past six months. I feel like such a failure. I know I am seeing connections that aren't there, and my psychologist said that I am delusional but I can't shake it.

I am scared of an admission, scared of being at home and killing myself tonight. Scared. sad

I am not a bad person but all of these signs are showing me that I am.

larahusky Fri 19-Jul-13 22:02:14

I don't feel sorry for her in a patronising way. I admire her strength.

If you cannot see the difference between listing the symptoms of diabetes and borderline personality disorder then I won't even bother continuing!

Thank you for the kind replies, I was a bit upset by oreo's comments but I suppose that is life. Nice to know I was not alone in thinking it was rude.

I have had a nice(ish) birthday. I went shopping and got lots of holiday clothes and had a lovely lunch. Sat in the sun and had a milkshake at Nero's as well.

Unfortunately I am not very well which put a bit of a damper on things, had an upset tummy and when I got home realised that I had a high temperature. Lunch was lovely but I felt sick so couldn't finish it and by the end of the day I was feeling very hot and headachey. I am rarely unwell so I am pissed off that I was poorly on my birthday. Not sure if it was the sun because I felt sick from the second I woke up but maybe a touch of heatstroke?

Ended up not going out for tea because I felt bleurgh, so had a cool shower and some cake smile

DH bought me a beautiful necklace with my name on it, a waterproof Kindle cover for our holiday and some lovely chocolates and some wine.

I am very sad at being 29 though. I hate odd numbers and a whole year of wrongness beckons!!

Oreo - you are being patronising. Assuming I don't know the symptoms, assuming I am unaware of the controversies of BPD, assuming I don't know what ideas of reference are. I could get into a debate about the validity of the diagnosis with you but I won't. I am mental not thick.

I don't see my MH issues as being like diabetes, I think it is a poor comparison used to help people get over the stigma of MH illness and one I don't agree with. And like I said, the 'symptoms' you list are not actually symptoms, manipulation and attention seeking do not appear in any diagnostic criteria I have seen.

I think I find things difficult, not because I have a diagnosis but because they are difficult. It doesn't matter how you label it, I am fed up, depressed, self destructive, frightened. What matters is my experience of MH issues and not the diagnosis you have hooked into.

And as it happens, in general services have found it hard to support me because they are so confined and restricted by their preconceived ideas of BPD that they don't look at me and my needs. Once that happens everything gets easier.

I am dead boring, I attend every appointment, I go to A&E after I SI and I am polite and compliant, I don't speed, do drugs, drink, I have been married for 5 years and have quite a normal boring marriage, I don't exaggerate and any lies I tell are about minimising what is happening for me. The things I hear the most are what a lovely girl I am, what a clever person I am, how much insight I have. Seeing the real me is what enables MH providers to support me appropriately, not trying to shoe horn me into the restrictions of a diagnosis.

RonaldMcDonald Fri 19-Jul-13 22:29:37

Hey fluffy I was saddened to see oreo's comments. I hope you are doing well.

She may be a 'fully qualified' mh nurse but her approach and the information she has provided leaves a great deal to be desired and is far from factual.

Spend time with your mh team and examine the diagnosis. See where they are coming from and how they came to make their decisions.
There are lots of decent things you can read and discuss regarding BPD and doing so might make it more easy to see if anything chimes with your symptoms.

oreocookiez Sat 20-Jul-13 00:07:59

Its a comparison as in an illness is an illness... Fluffy have you heard of team splitting? Its exactly what is happening on this thread. BPD's are renown for it... I know the symptoms and diagnostics of PD's very well. Denial and splitting is quite high on the list. I do hope you manage to find a peaceful conclusion.

oreocookiez Sat 20-Jul-13 00:18:44

See NICE Guidelines for treating PD'S. Not factual? Wow, the whole of The Waterview Centre must have incorrect specialists, consultants, MHP's and diagnostic therapists!

TheSilveryPussycat Sat 20-Jul-13 08:28:34

oreo have you heard of rapport? empathy? listening to the person who is dealing with stuff?

EmmaGellerGreen Sat 20-Jul-13 08:55:09

Oh my goodness, what is going on here? (Have posted before but have name changed). Fluffy, I am sorry that this thread has taken this very odd and unfortunate turn. I don't know anything about your problems but your posts make you sound much stronger and clearer than in the past. You seem to be a lovely lady and I wish you well, as do the huge majority of people on this thread.
I know that isn't very helpful or well informed but recent postings have made me cross for you!

violetsrblue Sat 20-Jul-13 08:55:51

This feels wrong and I have reported your post oreo. Good luck fluffy and sorry to hear you were feeling poorly on your birthday.

larahusky Sat 20-Jul-13 08:59:38

Oreo, I don't quite understand why you are so keen to be an expert on this thread?

Every time the op takes a step to defend herself from your rather horrible diagnostic observations (and however much cloaked in a physical model of mental illness, manipulation and attention seeking carry a moral judgement, they are not an impartial set of symptoms) you leap in with another technical term.

It actually makes you seem a bit insecure: the need to win your argument through your expertise rather than actually listening to what is being said.

I don't understand why you are on this thread.

EmmaGellerGreen Sat 20-Jul-13 09:23:12

Agree Lara and Fluffy should not have to defend herself here.
Oreo, if you want to carry on with your theorising, why not start your own thread instead of trying to derail this one?

RonaldMcDonald Sat 20-Jul-13 10:47:44

oreo
I have reported your post.

Personality disorders are actually very difficult to diagnose. Their symptoms vary from person to person due to all manner of reasons. A marker ( for instance self harm ) can prove, with examination, to have nothing to do with a PD. therefore I feel it is wrong of you to try to explain away your fairly callous commentary on factual medical diagnosis.
Diagnosis is miles away from something as simple as a broken leg or diabetes. Your giving these examples makes me really question your understanding of PDs.
A broken leg or diabetes has a standard objective diagnostic criteria and outcome.
PD diagnosis is often after an elimination of many other illnesses and is subjective. It can and often is co morbid with other mh diagnosis.
Although one psych might diagnose PD another might see an Axis 1 disorder alongside BI Polar. Standard questionnaires for diagnosis should only be a small part of a full diagnosis

It is important that fluffy understands and starts to feel confident with her diagnosis.
Your 'attention seeking' labelling regarding PD was unprofessional, outside diagnostic guidelines and unkind. Also suggesting that there is 'splitting' occurring on the thread because others have questioned your 'factual' delivery to fluffy is again, IMO, unprofessional.

fluffy nothing that I am saying makes it more or less likely that you have a PD. I do strongly feel that you and your symptoms should be treated individually and with kindness and empathy.

Oh OK Oreo you have me. I am splitting here, I am attention seeking and manipulative.

I could explain that the specialist PD services that saw me explained to me that I am not splitting and that the local term that works with me needs to be careful to not assume that I am. And that previous concerns about splitting due my BPD diagnosis have led to confusion and a lack of continuity of care (which the NICE guidelines say are key to managing BPD). I have a very careful careplan that follows the guidelines, including plans for time limited hospital admissions, plans for crisis involving CRS, A&E, my DH and of course myself. I could explain the reasons that DBT is not right for me, and that we are following a different path to help me move forward. I could explain that hearing things is pretty fucking terrifying and of course it is hard to hear that other people think that means you are a bit mental. But really what is the point smile All of it is just defensive splitting manipulative behaviour. Including that comment.

Anyway.

I was hearing things last night which I will discuss with my CPN, I could hear like a radio in my ears but DH said there wasn't one and then I heard some random words. Very frustrating but good that I recognise that maybe they were not really there, hard to believe though.

Thank you for all of the supportive comments here.

I don't think Oreo's comments should be deleted BTW, I think some of her comments are helpful. It is the patronising manner in which I am told how I behave, and the reductionist medical model of a diagnosis which offend me. Discussing my behaviours and feelings within a framework of the diagnosis is valid and I think it is important to be mindful of motivations behind my behaviours and feelings and part of that is being challenged and hearing difficult things. Lord knows my MH team certainly does that!

mamadoc Sat 20-Jul-13 12:34:07

I am a mental health professional.
I don't tend to post on these threads because I think it is not my place. This place is largely for peer support which is excellent.
Sometimes I am tempted to chip in if I can eg explain a meds issue
BUT I wanted to say that I think it is seriously misguided to try to diagnose a person from posts on an Internet forum. They have a RL team to do that who actually know them and have met them.
If you are a professional you really, really need to take a few steps back and think through your motivation before posting comments like Oreos I'm afraid. How can it actually be helpful?
I will not comment on Fluffy specifically because it would be wrong for me to do so but BPD is a very controversial diagnosis. Sure it exists and if it is the right diagnosis then it can be very helpful to a person to know that there is a reason for the way they are.
However it is really quite often misapplied to people with 'difficult' behaviours especially self harm. People often mysteriously acquire a PD diagnosis when earlier their symptoms were regarded as being due to treatable mental illness. There needs to be longitudinal evidence of problems starting in early life not just cross-sectional ones within an episode of illness.
I have no idea if Fluffy has BPD or she doesn't but what I can tell is that she is working well with her team and she is getting better.
One thing Oreo is right about is WRAP, those are really good IMHO.

juicyfruit21 Sat 20-Jul-13 12:59:11

It is normal to DH/DPs to be overcautious after you have had a hospital admissions etc. We have the same problem. When ever I behave little bit different my partner gives me the look. Like today when we were in the car and I suddenly said "revenge" for no reason.

I sometimes hear voices, well different people talking sentences, when I am laying in bed in the evening. I haven't even mentioned about them, because I have read people can hear voices or see things before falling asleep.

SunshineBossaNova Sat 20-Jul-13 18:14:44

fluffy don't feel you have to justify yourself. I couldn't care less about your diagnosis, I'm happy that you're getting the support you need and feeling better about things.

kizzie Sat 20-Jul-13 20:03:03

Happy Birthday for yesterday :-) x

larahusky Sat 20-Jul-13 20:26:38

Couldn't agree more with you, Mamadoc.

Fluffy, very impressed that you can take this sort of debate with such dignity. That is more than I would have managed when I was going through the same sort of struggles!

And very very Happy Birthday x

Happy Birthday Fluffy flowers

I had a good appointment with my CPN today, I talked about hearing things and she said I need to keep reality checking but it is so embarrassing.

Got a phone call from a social worker to try to sort benefits out which is all a bit scary.

SnowyMouse Tue 23-Jul-13 17:09:00

It's great that you had a good appointment, fluffy. It's good to have someone to talk you through the benefits maze.

I have a social worker visiting me at home tomorrow to organise the benefits with me and she said she would come to the assessment appointment with me. Crazy nervous about that.

I nearly burst into tears at the Drs today, I went to pick up a prescription which was not there. Only it is NEVER there, it is always so complicated to get my meds and I am sick and tired of it. I don't blame anyone but the system is so crap, there must be a better way. Apparently someone from the CMHT will ring me about it today but there is more chance of pigs flying than that happening so I will spend tommorrow on the phone as well. Everyone tells me to take my meds so why is it so hard!

My DH said last night that I have changed in the past few years and it made me feel very sad, like I have lost some of myself. I know I have, my confidence is rock bottom and I rely a lot on DH to do things. He said the house is not as clean and tidy as it used to be, but I can't see a difference. I do clean and tidy every day so it is not as if it is a mess. I rely on DH to do a lot of the cleaning though. Hard to realise how much of an effect MH issues have on your life. DH said he still thinks I am quite unwell but I think I am doing OK really.

And now I am crying.

Oh and my laptop broke so we will have to send it off to be repaired. Luckily we have a spare one I can use.

scousepie Thu 25-Jul-13 16:37:33

Ack, I'm sorry today's so rough fluffy. Any joy on the meds issue?

I am so cross at my doctors, finally got my meds sorted but not before they told my CPN I had had no medication since June which is not true, I picked up medication two weeks ago. It is really starting to wear me down, I am trying so hard to take my meds and everything seems to conspire against me sad

The social worker was lovely but I felt like such a knob, it is hard explaining to people how limited I am sometimes. I just typed out an example and it was so pathetic I deleted it. Within five minutes of the social worker being here the cat was sat on her knee purring and licking her arm :blush: She is very friendly!

I had some weird thoughts about something watching me last night. I keep seeing things in the corner of my eye and I am finding it hard to be logical about it. The stupid part of me thinks I am only seeing them out of the corner of my eye because they hide when I see them because they are watching me. The sensible part of me knows that my brain is imagining that splodges on the wall and socks on the floor are bugs.

I am trying to focus on the good stuff and stay grounded. I am eating well and seeing friends and being honest and enjoying being in my own home. It is hard work sometimes though.

RonaldMcDonald Sat 27-Jul-13 13:14:57

I hope you are doing okay fluffy

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