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It's too hard

(175 Posts)
GracieLoo Sat 05-Jan-13 19:29:15

I'm sorry, finding every day a struggle and thinking I can't see a future. There's no point in anything I do. I try my best for dd but I do ok for a bit then it all goes wrong. I can't deal with the whinging, maybe she would be ok with someone else.

I was just driving on the motorway, was driving too fast, on verge of tears, and really wishing someone would crash into me. Dd was in the car and I wouldn't want anything to happen to her, but she was asleep and it was like she wasn't there.

Been crying too much recently, getting too fat, being irritable and distant with family, I just don't want to carry on anymore. Going back to work on Monday, the anxiety is making me feel worse, I know tomorrow I'm going to be dreading it so much. Thinking of not going, handing me notice in, not really caring what happens. I can't cope with it.

I don't feel right, I can't think straight. I feel so tense.

GracieLoo Mon 25-Feb-13 20:59:40

Crying again, finding it so hard being a mum. Feel I'm not cut out for any of this. Feel guilty she went to bed unhappy, want to just wake her up and say it's ok and I love her. Sleeping badly at the moment, or having horrible dreams when I am asleep. Eating when I'm not hungry, just for the sake of it. Sorry I repeat myself on here, no one has to bother reading or replying, it's just somewhere I can vent.

TheSilveryPussycat Sun 24-Feb-13 16:03:08

Gracie you have done well, you have done some impossible tasks, even though they were impossible wink You will feel the benefit later on smile

Totally understand about ice scraping at 7 am. Fortunately I'm retired. I never seemed to factor in the time when I had to do it...

GracieLoo Sun 24-Feb-13 15:58:09

What a horrible day, feel a bit odd today. Been on my own today, been cleaning but it feels whatever I get done it's not enough and I can't relax. Did food shop online as couldn't face being in public. Tried to have a nap but kept jumping awake, as though something bad was going to happen and I don't know what. Kept getting heart palpitations and butterflies in my stomach, think it's because of work and the rush in the morning, and the thought of scraping ice of the car at 7am is panicking me! But there's no way I can't go to work, so I feel trapped and anxious. Been overly worried about my health at the moment which I've not really experienced before.

TheSilveryPussycat Thu 21-Feb-13 09:48:02

Glad you are taking them, anyway. Understand about every little thing being a huge impossible task, including getting petrol. I used to spend what seemed like hours stuck in the supermarket trying to decide what biscuits to buy sad

Get the physical sorted, then twill be easier to handle and maybe tackle the mental stuff.

GracieLoo Thu 21-Feb-13 08:24:32

Dreading another day, really hope I get through it without losing it and getting grumpy with dd. Panicking about having to get petrol! So stupid, wish I was normal.

GracieLoo Wed 20-Feb-13 18:16:48

Yeah I have started taking them, but still thinking what's the point. Feeling dead inside right now, hate this sinking feeling. Will try to have a nice bath but know it won't work. Don't want to be here.

TheSilveryPussycat Wed 20-Feb-13 18:10:17

So sorry to hear this. Are you taking the anti-biotics?

GracieLoo Wed 20-Feb-13 17:51:44

So fed up. Been on edge all day as due to have a call from cc. I was worried about her ringing but kind of relying on that call for a chat, plus haven't seen her since last Monday. She never rang, and now I have to wait another week as she works part time and so do I.

Hate this, hate half term, feeling lost and at my wits end. Dd has started speaking to me in a snappy way, just because she hears me doing it. I feel bad but I get frustrated. Don't think I've smiled today. Cancelled plans for the next two days as can't face seeing anyone, and I can't cope with dd's tantrums infront of other people. Haven't felt like crying the last couple of days, now I feel it bubbling under the surface.

TheSilveryPussycat Mon 18-Feb-13 22:50:07

bless you gracie this is a sign that you are really not very well, lots of people would feel like you feel but they would decide to go ahead and take the antibiotics anyway (and finish the course - v important).

please do start taking them, apart from the danger to you, it wouldn't be good for dd if you don't get the infection cleared up.

and glad to hear you'll be sharing this with your cc

warm wishes, [hug] and brew

GracieLoo Mon 18-Feb-13 17:31:21

Sorry to post again, just kind of using this as a diary today so I can look back when I talk to cc. Have come to collect dd, have told work I'll be in tomorrow, but I feel on the verge of tears and I feel like I'm losing control. Got no energy for anything, want to be on my own so I can just cry and cry, but have no idea why I want to do this.

GracieLoo Mon 18-Feb-13 11:51:31

Not at work today. I couldn't face it but was signed off for an infection anyway. My op wound has got so painful, but, I know this is stupid, I can't bring myself to take the antibiotics prescribed as I feel I don't care what happens. Part of me just thinks, if I get so ill then maybe all this will be over, but it won't look like I've done it on purpose. Still snappy, tearful and tired, going back to bed now. Getting a bit paranoid I might get recognised on here, but it's hard to get it off mg chest without including personal details. Wish my mind could just chill out sometimes!

TheSilveryPussycat Fri 15-Feb-13 00:03:54

Physical illness just makes mental illness all the harder to cope with, of course sad Do you need medical help to deal with the physical stuff? are you healing at the rate you should?

I used to lose it with DC sometimes when v down, but did always apologise and say I was just v sad at the moment but would get better.

GracieLoo Thu 14-Feb-13 21:03:50

Sat here crying as I feel so ill, physically ill. I know how stupid that sounds, but struggling mentally and now physically and I want to end this. Not enjoying dd at the moment so much, and feeling guilty as I had a shout at her today as she was whinging and I lost it. She doesn't deserve that and I don't deserve her.

GracieLoo Thu 14-Feb-13 18:56:41

Thank you. Cc is ringing me next week as I'm not seeing her, seems like a long time away. Finding the mood diary hard, not sure what to put in it, especially on the 'nothing' days when I just plod along doing the minimum. Family ring quite a lot anyway, just for general chats.

Feeling rough with a cold, my scar on my arm isn't healing that great and I've got to start thinking about moving in a few weeks. Don't feel strong enough for it all. Been asked out for a coffee in morning and to take dd to a friends for tea, but trying to cancel as don't feel like putting on a front.

coxspippin Thu 14-Feb-13 17:38:25

dear gracie loo, can the cc give you a ring in the week you don't see her? and could friends or family ring you daily or weekly to see how you are? maybe you've already asked. i'm sorry your suffering gracie loo, you deserve much relief.

TheSilveryPussycat Wed 13-Feb-13 23:12:53

So glad appt went well, and you are right to take things one day at a time.

GracieLoo Wed 13-Feb-13 20:07:12

So tired, tearful, feel ill and being irritable when I shouldn't be. Think I'm becoming overly anxious and paranoid about my arm and other health stuff which isn't helping.

My appt went well, new cc seems to be wanting to put things in place, and have things to work towards. I felt a bit more positive after seeing her, apart from having a meeting every other week which I need to get used to. Been asked to keep a mood diary again, but this time I think it'll be read and talked about. All a bit of a blur though and I know I need to take one day at a time as starting to feel panicky and horrible. Might just hide away for the next few days.

TheSilveryPussycat Tue 12-Feb-13 17:50:12

How did appt go, gracie? I was a bit weird as a child (well, still am at 60) and found it hard to make friends and fit in, which made me depressed. Part of the reason why I think I have Asperger's.

GracieLoo Mon 11-Feb-13 14:57:00

I've felt like this for a few years, but looking back to my childhood and teen years I've always had symptoms that something's not right.

Waiting for my appt with new cc. Scared to tell her that I wanted to od on sat, it's sounds so stupid putting it into words. Feel like I'm floating above myself today, and keep waking up with headaches.

TheSilveryPussycat Sun 10-Feb-13 19:17:33

It's the illness making you think your friends think that...

And please level with your new cc. How else can she do her job properly? How long have you felt like this, may I ask?

with warmest thoughts x

GracieLoo Sun 10-Feb-13 16:39:06

I've had a look at that thread. It's just so easy to hide away in bed and not have to face the world. I'm fed up of feeling like I'm not normal compared to my friends, they know I'm on AD's but must think I'm losing it or I'm weird.

I feel awful today, my hearts beating too fast and I'm so hot. Meeting new cc tomorrow, don't want to tell her about this wkend the very 1st time I meet her.

TheSilveryPussycat Sun 10-Feb-13 10:17:55

have you senn vicar's bed thread, where we are supporting each other to have naps only in moderation, and to find our motivation (or get the bare min done if we can't find it)?

GracieLoo Sun 10-Feb-13 10:12:36

I do have vivid dreams, sometimes good, sometimes horrible. Completely lost motivation for anything recently, usually like a clean, tidy house, but see no point. It's irritating me that things need doing but I just want to sleep.

TheSilveryPussycat Sun 10-Feb-13 10:03:56

drink water, go back to bed, I also find that sometimes I have a dream that clarifies things (yesterday's was about eating Heston Blumenthal's food!!)

GracieLoo Sun 10-Feb-13 09:58:56

I'm not scared of harming myself, and I know that's not normal to think like that, but I do feel guilty about dd, but I know she's with her dad and fine. I'm just sat here feeling shaky and dizzy, and not really sure what I should do. Might go back to bed.

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