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It's too hard

(175 Posts)
GracieLoo Sat 05-Jan-13 19:29:15

I'm sorry, finding every day a struggle and thinking I can't see a future. There's no point in anything I do. I try my best for dd but I do ok for a bit then it all goes wrong. I can't deal with the whinging, maybe she would be ok with someone else.

I was just driving on the motorway, was driving too fast, on verge of tears, and really wishing someone would crash into me. Dd was in the car and I wouldn't want anything to happen to her, but she was asleep and it was like she wasn't there.

Been crying too much recently, getting too fat, being irritable and distant with family, I just don't want to carry on anymore. Going back to work on Monday, the anxiety is making me feel worse, I know tomorrow I'm going to be dreading it so much. Thinking of not going, handing me notice in, not really caring what happens. I can't cope with it.

I don't feel right, I can't think straight. I feel so tense.

Ahhhcrap Sat 05-Jan-13 19:35:54

Didn't want to leave this unanswered. You sound so much like my friend a few years ago, had the same conversation about a time she was driving on the M6. I would suggest you go and talk to your GP, she did and is now happy...

BloominMarvellous Sat 05-Jan-13 19:41:01

Oh GracieLoo you don't have to go through this alone. Please go and see your GP.

I have been where you are. I still am to be honest but I can see a light at the end of my tunnel. I find every day a chore and can't see the point in anything.

Mine is because of PTSD and severe anxiety. I am now receiving therapy for the PTSD and I am taking AD's for the anxiety and depression.

One day at a time....baby steps and you will come through it.

Whilst you are in the frame of mind please don't make any rash decisions such as quitting work. If when you are feeling better you still dread going in then look at working elsewhere. I found that my depression makes everything look shit when in reality it was my illness not work.

Please use MN as much as you can. I lurk a lot and it really does help me.

susanann Sat 05-Jan-13 19:51:46

didnt we speak before? So sorry youre still suffering. You must go to your GP and get some help. I agree with bloominmarvellous. Take care Gracie

GracieLoo Sat 05-Jan-13 20:27:34

I'm under a mental health team, on a low dosage ad, as have tried four different ones and none have helped. It was my choice to lower the dose and they agreed, I could increase it but what's the point if they think medication won't help anyway.

I see a sw every week and on the waiting list for group therapy. This is why I can't do this. I'm struggling more and more, repeating myself to the sw each week but there is nothing else that can be done. I get so low, i'm on my own to deal with this. It is starting to affect dd as she's not a baby anymore and is aware, I keep thinking of the tablets in my drawer, of an old washing line I have somewhere. When i'm sobbing I just picture stabbing myself. I'm honest with the sw, but she says to think of my responsibilities. I can't!

What help is there, I know I could call out of hours, but I think I appear calm and wouldn't be taken seriously. I also don't want my family to know, i'm too ashamed. So it's my fault I feel so close to losing it, and I think I could soon, because i'm too scared to ask for help.

susanann Sat 05-Jan-13 20:43:46

you shouldnt feel ashamed. I really urge you to tell your family. Im sure they will help. Also I think you would be taken seriously if you call out of hours, you dont have to sound emotional to be ill. Also why did you ask to lower your dose of ADs? PLEASE ASK FOR HELP GRACIE! For your dds sake if nobody else.

amillionyears Sat 05-Jan-13 20:50:03

Is your DD with you this weekend?

GracieLoo Sat 05-Jan-13 20:55:52

Yes she is, please don't think badly of me, I already hate myself.

amillionyears Sat 05-Jan-13 21:01:08

I dont think badly of you.
We have been talking on here for about 6 months now, on and off.
I know you struggle from time to time, and do your best for your DD.

First things first.
Have you taken your medication as prescribed, in the last few days?

susanann Sat 05-Jan-13 21:02:32

We dont think badly of you hun. Were just worried about you!

BloominMarvellous Sat 05-Jan-13 21:03:54

Nobody thinks badly of you. I used to hope I would get run over on my way to work or break my leg falling down the stairs just to avoid work and the outside world.

I have so many people around me and still feel alone.

Has your GP ever suggested CBT? There will be a waiting list on the NHS but it will give you some coping techniques and will help get to the bottom of why you feel like this.

Also talk to your GP about the anxiety, I take propanalol as well as ADs because the ADs did nothing for the physical feelings of anxiety. It was the feeling sick and the heart palpitations that made things harder to cope with. The propanalol helped massively with this.

GracieLoo Sat 05-Jan-13 21:26:17

I'm so confused by everything, finding simple things too difficult. Will try to answer your questions. I wanted to lower ad's as wasn't feeling much better, and was worried i was putting on weight. I know being bigger is better than feeling suicidal, but I still can't see I should be on them, I want to know what i.m like without them, obviously not great. I am taking them but it is a low dose, and not at the same time every day. Feel i'm risking it purposely and I don't know why! Feel i'm giving up on trying to get better, living, fighting this. I don't know if I can fight this much longer.

Have tried some CBT, and that might be what i'm on the waiting list for as a group? Apparently my problems are deep rooted, my dad killed himself when I was a child. I think i'm the same as him. Sometimes I just want to be with him.

amillionyears Sat 05-Jan-13 22:00:47

Oh heck Gracie.
I did wonder whether the not taking them properly was on some level deliberate in some way.

Also did think that the death of your dad had to have impacted you in some way.
Which of the people who are helping you, suggested that to you?

amillionyears Sat 05-Jan-13 22:16:26

Did anyone help you at all, when it happened?
If I am remembering correctly, you were 10 when it happened?

No one is the same as anyone else btw.

Big hugs GracieLoo.

And only talk on here if you want to about it, and when you are ready.

or you can pm me if you wish to.

GracieLoo Sun 06-Jan-13 19:45:41

I don't know how I'm going to cope with getting up early and working for ten hours putting on a front. I haven't got the energy. Been dreading it all day.

amillionyears Sun 06-Jan-13 20:16:49

Just a thought.
Is this time of year near your dads birthday or when he died?

sparkle101 Sun 06-Jan-13 20:34:42

Hi gracieloo,

My dad killed himself when I was 11. The stance I have taken is that I will not put anyone through that pain. When dd was newborn I suffered with quite severe pnd. Severe enough that I held a knife to my wrist. When it came down to it I just couldn't do it. I couldn't put my dd through what I went through.

Just a thought with the weight. Would it not be a good idea to keep on prescribed dose of ad and then when feeling more in control go on a diet or get some exercise. I had a few months of intensive counselling a few years ago, got myself to a good place and lost four stone, but it was total baby steps, don't try to be all things to all people and do everything all at once.

amillionyears Sun 06-Jan-13 21:00:48

I did find this which you may find useful?

cebmh.warne.ox.ac.uk/csr/helpisathand_march2010.pdf

piratecat Sun 06-Jan-13 21:03:25

i suffer long term depression, and i would not be lowering my dose. it's there to help. it can help. really it can. xxxxx

GracieLoo Sun 06-Jan-13 22:20:11

Btw it is coming up to his birthday, but I always tell myself anniversaries don't affect me. I didn't have any professional help when it happened. I know it must be hard to understand how I could think about doing to dd what he did to me, but in a way I understand why he did it, and she is younger. God, I can't believe the thoughts I have! I want to curl up and not face anybody. Dreading walking into work with a smile on my face.

amillionyears Sun 06-Jan-13 22:38:47

Anniversaries affect everyone GracieLoo.
I think everyone should be offered professional help in these circumstances.
I hope you get the help soon. Hopefully it should help you out a lot.
Meanwhile I should keep to the correct dose to help too.

GracieLoo Mon 07-Jan-13 07:55:09

Sat outside work trying not to cry. Want to turn round and go to the safety of my bed

noraa Mon 07-Jan-13 09:19:48

be strong gracieloo sad
you will do it, you can.
do it for your dd, there are nice things in life.
if others can do it, of course you can.

GracieLoo Mon 07-Jan-13 21:35:33

Minds racing, hearts racing. Can't concentrate on tv, avoiding talking to anyone this eve. Tried having a bath with lavender, but hasn't really worked. Feel I'm thinking too much and I have imaginary conversations in my head. Think no one likes me, and I'm getting fatter and uglier. I ramble a bit on here as just put whatever is in my head, so sorry. I could take a diazepam for evenings like this, but I would be most eves and they're addictive. Now getting palpatations, ears are buzzing, and I know dd is asleep in her room but it feels like I'm alone, feel so alone in my head and no one understands me or can help me.

amillionyears Mon 07-Jan-13 21:39:41

When did you last have a diazepam?
Have you had the pills you were supposed to have today?

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