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social phobia

(14 Posts)
iworemyfringelikerogermcguinns Tue 01-Jan-13 13:19:07

NYE party last night. Total disaster and today I feel like shit. I need to do something about this shyness because it's crippling me.

Went to the party - dp's new friends from his fitness club. I was really intimidated by meeting so many new folk at once (they all know each other, I have nothing in common with any of them eg they were all talking about TV, films, sport, but I don't watch telly or films and have no interest in sport!). The women in particular weren't that friendly so I hardly said a word all night; I had to go and calm down in the loo a couple of times as I was so panicky and felt sick. I've probably come across as aloof and bored and a pretty rude guest but I can't think of a thing to say when making small talk and am hopeless at initiating conversation.

DP was really nice about it and knows I get stressed in social situations but it seems to be getting worse as I get older.

I feel really stupid today. The sun is shining and dp wants to go for a walk but I just want to curl up and crysad

any advice from other introverts?

kerstina Tue 01-Jan-13 20:54:41

Probably really bad advice but a glass of wine usually helps me! Not saying get really drunk just a drink or two so you feel chilled relaxed and a bit more sociable. Don't feel bad about being an introvert embrace it. Bet you are far more intelligent deep and thoughtful than most of the people at that partysmile

amillionyears Tue 01-Jan-13 22:49:47

You probably didnt come across as bad as you think.
I think I too would have found the above social situation a bit tricky.

I have seen a probable helpful book about small talk conversation tips somewhere. I will see if I can track it down tomorrow for you.

iworemyfringelikerogermcguinns Wed 02-Jan-13 00:44:43

Amillion that would be great please. I cant stand any kind of social event where im faced with lots ofpeople.im ok 1-1 most of the time particularly at work where theres a "script" to stick to.its the going up to people rather than waiting for them to notice me in the corner that I find so hard. I also have low self esteem and think why the heck anyone would talk to me? Or if I speak about myself I feel like im attention seeking.

amillionyears Wed 02-Jan-13 14:41:24

Had a couple of looks for the book. Havent been able to track it down yet. Cant remember the title so will have to physically track it down.
Will get back to you after I have time for a third search.

HellesBelles396 Wed 02-Jan-13 20:36:03

I struggle in groups too. Everyone has their own comfort zones and it's fine not to like these sort of situations.
Create a social life that suits you. I have a very good friend with whom I set the worl to rights over half a dozen cuppas every couple of wwek. Another good friend who I see every week for a natter and a group of 6 of us get together monthly and have a facebook group. OK I don't go out partying but I'm much happier this way.

amillionyears Fri 04-Jan-13 14:17:20

Sorry. Still cant find it.
It could possibly have been the book I linked below, though not sure.
I will let you know if I eventually track down the book.

www.amazon.co.uk/How-Talk-Anyone-Success-Relationships/dp/0722538073/ref=pd_bxgy_b_img_y#_

There are tips on the internet which also may help you, at least in some social situations.

Mumblepot26 Fri 04-Jan-13 23:08:40

Hi OP, just wanted to say I know how you feel. I turned 40 this year and am really fed up with my social unease. Like you it seems to be getting worse as I get older. I have always avoided being part of a social group as find them intimidating and stressful. I just feel like there is all this pressure to be funny and entertaining, and that just ain't me. I love my one to one friedships and woud rather stick to these. Makes me sad though as I feel I am missing out a bit..

HellesBelles396 Sat 05-Jan-13 14:58:25

Mumple Slightly odd example: if you liked carrots but not parsnips, you wouldn't feel you were missing out by not eating parsnips and you wouldn't keep trying to eat them despite not wanting to. If, at some point in the future, you felt like trying parsnips, you could and see what you thought then.
We don't all have to socialise the same way. I too prefer small friendship groups. I dislike parties and meeting groups of people. All I had to do to fell good about it was to accept that it's ok to have a preference and to make decisions based on that preference.
So, my closest friends like to socialise the same way as me. Weekend evenings are spent with ds or at a friend's house (if he's at dm's) and, because it's what I want to do, I enjoy that.

Mumblepot26 Sat 05-Jan-13 22:44:14

Thanks helles love the carrots and parsnips example, will remember that for a while now.

iworemyfringelikerogermcguinns Sun 06-Jan-13 21:38:04

Thanks amillion, amillion smile I'll try to have a look at that. Mumblepot it's interesting to hear someone else say it's getting worse as they get older too; I would have expected the opposite! I can't avoid social settings though, or I'll just become isolated. I know very few people as it is and this does get me down.
AS well as that I don't think it's fair on DP if I say I won't socialise with "his" friends as he's moved from another city to be with me, when I expect him to see "my" (really "our" as we've been together that long) friends.

HellesBelles396 Sun 06-Jan-13 21:40:55

I see your point roger, who chooses what events you're invited to? and what proportiob of these would dp expect you to accept?

iworemyfringelikerogermcguinns Sun 06-Jan-13 23:07:55

as i have no mates we aren't that busy, events never clash. He'd probably not complain if I never went out with him to one of "his" nights out, or he'd decide not to go if I didn't want to and that's not fair on him.

It's not just that context though. I said I was OK at work but thinking about it, only within my (small) team eg I went with a colleague to a large work-related reception and I did a runner as I was so intimidated blush. I've also been asked to do a training video - the thought fills me with horror. And I've been too scared (throwing-up scared, panic attacks) to present at conference so a colleague had to do it instead but I was quite confident talking to a well-known researcher one to one afterwards. Unlike my colleague! I don't get it. I'm going to have to sort this out. I don't know if its social phobia or something else that's the cause and I need to know that first.

HellesBelles396 Mon 07-Jan-13 16:25:31

roger you've just put your finger on it - you're confident when others aren't so it's reasonable that you aren't confident at other times.

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