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Is depression causing relationship issues, or is the relationship causing the depression?

(7 Posts)
allthegoodnamesweretaken Sat 29-Dec-12 13:08:05

Before starting a family, I was diagnosed with severe depression and I was taking anti-Ds. I stopped taking them when I was pregnant and I was fine, I think the baby had sort of lifted the depression. Me and dh had some issues during the pregnancy, relating to him shagging an ex and flirting/sharing a tent (and I reckon, though have no evidence, that they got up to more) with an old fling. he also lied to me when dd was about 2 weeks, telling me he had to stay late at work for a meeting but really meeting with old fling. Anyway after being really angry etc, I decided to try and move on because I hoped that we could make it work for the baby. The whole thing set me back mentally though, dd is 2 now and while I don't feel angry about the cheating anymore and he hasn't done anything since, I just feel so down. I got enormously fat during the pregnant, putting on about 5 stone through comfort eating so I feel really bad about my appearance, I'm really snappy and lose my temper with dh all the time, sometimes I just feel so tired and can't be arsed with anything and I think that I feel like I used to when I had depression.
I had an awful birth experience, and dh wasn't there with me as he had passed out from the stress of it all and he hadn't slept for about 2 days. I still get upset about the birth and I hate physical contact because I don't want it to lead to sex.
I just don't really know what to do anymore, I don't want to take anti-D's because I'm not sure they were all that effective the first time, they made me feel very strange and I made even worse decisions on them. Plus I wouldn't want to become reliant on them unless I had to.
I don't want to leave dh, but the relationship just isn't that great, I want to deal with the depression first and see how we get on then, but I wonder if he is the cause of the depression.
Thanks for reading, if you have made it this far, sorry for rambling, just didn't want to drip feed.
What do I do? What would you do?

amillionyears Sat 29-Dec-12 13:55:03

hmm. Not sure. I dont really have much experience.

fwiw, it sounds like to me it could be the relationship problems, and not depression.

Babsjansen Sat 29-Dec-12 13:56:37

I don't think they have to be linked so
Ethan's treating the, separately will be more effective.

It does sound like depression exists - you have had it before and perhaps need to treat it again. Another anti d might be more effective.

The relationship sounds pretty unpleasant too and this also needs addressing. Perhaps counselling if you want to save it?

Try not to let your depression get caught up as an excuse for a shit relationship. Not imoressed with the sound of your DH from the op,

allthegoodnamesweretaken Sat 29-Dec-12 15:17:52

Thanks, I have looked into relate before but the pricing is ambiguous and we don't have a lot of money as I am a student. does anyone know how much it is? I think I will book an apt with the gp about the depression.

TheSilveryTinsellyPussycat Sun 30-Dec-12 17:56:07

I suffered from long term depression, think it was due to AS and not being able to self start, then when could start, overdoing it (ADD). These are self diagnoses, as I have a diagnosis of bi-polar but have been referred for assessemnt for As at age 60, at my request.

However, my choice of partner was not the best - not supportive, traded on my mh not to work much himself, while I tried my best to work, he did v little housework, wouldn't go out etc. Stayed because I had stupid hope that he would come good, and because of kids. In all we were together over 30 years.

Tried all sorts of meds, low dose of paroxatine the most effective, went on them last year and finally realised with the help of MN that I was in an abusive relationship, and filed for divorce a year ago last Sept. Absolute in Feb, after battle over settlement in which Ex truly showed his nastiness he finally left in Aug this year.

From the moment petition was filed, my depression went (though year was v v stressful) And I am still happy smile So I would recommend the right AD - it can take a while to find one that suits - to get well enough to see your life more clearly, rather than through the grey-tinted lenses of depression.

NanaNina Sun 30-Dec-12 19:44:32

Hi Atgnwt I don't think it's worth worrying whether your depression is sue to relationship or not, it's a chicken and egg thing. Your DH behaved very badly just at a time when a woman needs all the support she can get. He sounds very emotionally immature.

Do you know what the roots of the severe depression you had before you became pregnant? Were you in a r/ship with same bloke when you got depressed? I really feel you need to see a sympathetic GP and explain how you have been feeling - write down your symptoms in a list and don't leave anything out. You say you felt like you did the last time you were depressed. If the meds didn't work very well then, the GP could prescribe a different one - it's a bit trial and error and you sometimes have to try one or two before you get the right one. Mind the meds won't deal with the problems in your r/ship which you say "isn't great" - can you say more about what is going on - your self esteem is going to be low because of the r/ship and your weight gain. However the meds can deal with the symptoms and you would need counselling to look at the r/ship with your DH and you, but he would hae to be motivated and are you certain that this would be the case.
When you say the pricing for Relate is ambiguous I think they tend to charge on the basis of a couple's financial state. MInd they will be inundated now because January is the busiest month for people to split up or go for counselling. A private counsellor would charge around £50 an hour dependent on where you live.

Are you and yur DH able to communicate about your difficulties or not.

First thing is to see the GP as you suggest. Stop worrying about becoming reliant on ADs - you can come off them very safely as many people do. These drugs are very safe and they can really help with depression.

allthegoodnamesweretaken Sat 05-Jan-13 16:48:44

Hi thanks for the replies, I hadn't seen them until now.
DH wasn't the cause of the depression. I'm not sure exactly what it was that caused it, I remember that much of my childhood was very sad, although I don't think i was greatly mistreated. I was perhaps 'the black sheep' and smacked and scolded more often than siblings but I wasn't neglected or abused (I am personally against smacking, but don't think my parent's were malicious, that was the only way of parenting they knew).
I was bullied quite badly in school, from year four onward and have always had trouble fitting in or being liked. I was bullied as a first yr university student and I think that triggered the severe depression as I felt like a helpless child again and very ashamed, feeling that I must just be crap since I have so much trouble getting people to like me.
I moved universities and made up for my feelings of social inadequacy through sexual promiscuity and heavy drinking. Which I now regret and feel very ashamed about. I met DH at uni just as I had come out of the depression and was getting my life back on track, I had cut back on my drinking, joined a sports team and was working hard. The beginning of the relationship was absolutely blissful and when we found that i was pg with DD i honestly think it was the happiest I had ever felt up til then. When I found out about the cheating I was absolutely crushed.
DD is the best thing that ever happened to me. She has given my life focus and I enjoy every second with her, I just wish that DH and my relationship was the way it used to be too.
We have had discussions about it, in fact writing my feelings down made me realise I needed to do something, so I have discussed some of it with DH and we set some rules down, for example he feels I am not affectionate enough and I worry that affection will lead to sex which I just don't feel comfortable with atm. So he has agreed to stop pressuring me for sex and I am trying to make more effort to be close to him and show affection.
i still feel pretty shit though. I haven't made a drs apt even though I promised myself I would. I just find it so hard to talk about these things, also am bfing DD and think that the anti-Ds available for nursing mothers will be limited, plus my dr was a bit snooty with me when I was still feeding DD at 11 months!

What a long post, sorry!

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