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Driving away

(1000 Posts)
Pumble Fri 28-Dec-12 00:52:13

I don't know where to post this and don't know what to do. I'm sitting here crying again with my 5 week old dd2 and just know that the best thing I could do for both of my girls is to get in the car and drive. If dd2 ever goes to sleep that is what I must do. I won't be leaving them alone and it will break my heart but it's what will be best for them. They deserve so much better than the useless failure of a mother they have.

I don't know why I'm posting this. I guess to feel less alone

magimedi88 Wed 02-Jan-13 22:10:56

You are not whingeing. Not at all.

Sometimes kids just want dad - theey are 50% of him too.

Tomorrow they'll only want you.

Big hugs, & little steps.

hellhasnofurylikeahungrywoman Wed 02-Jan-13 22:15:14

Not whining, talking. You are telling us about your tough day because we're in a position to empathise, talking is good.

I was thinking about the way you talk about yourself, about 'whingeing', and wondered if you feel that your feelings aren't important?
You're upset, you and your feelings are important, and right now are the most important things in your family as you are the main carer for your little girls.
We care how you feel, and we're just strangers on t'internet, please don't think you don't matter, you're very important.
Small babies aren't exactly known as excellent judges of character, please try not to take your DD2's cries too personally, she has no idea the impact she's having on you! I hope tomorrow goes better, try to get some sleep eh? x

shinyrobot Wed 02-Jan-13 23:10:18

Ah, the falling asleep on another person thing! I think all of mine have done that at times, usually just after I have had a good old moan about how the little blighter will NOT SLEEP, not at all, no matter what I do, I have tried everything I can think of all day long. Then 30 seconds in dh's arms and there is the most fast asleep, contented baby in the world and he is looking at me like this hmm whilst I am like this shock You have to take advantage and dive into a hot bath whilst yelling over your shoulder at dh not to move for the next 45 minutes so as not to wake the baby! Don't waste time being offended grin

You're not whinging, we'd be worried if we hadn't heard from you so an update is very welcome, good on you! You will ask for rl help in your own time, you have to feel ready as it is another thing to have to deal with, just keep doing what you are doing meanwhile (and try not to let the negative thoughts even enter your head, send them scurrying away whenever you can. I know that is easier said than done, but believe me, you are doing great!)

MrsJingleBells74 Wed 02-Jan-13 23:12:31

I've had days when both DS have cried every time they've looked at me. It's soul destroying but you can't take it personally. I'm sure they've done it to daddy too.

It's not whingeing, honestly this thread wouldn't be this long if you were!

Pumble Wed 02-Jan-13 23:24:06

I can't do this

CatPussRoastingOnAnOpenFire Wed 02-Jan-13 23:34:01

Yes. You can. Just keep calm and breath. One day at a time. Some will be good, some bad, just keep going. One day soon, you will realise that the good days have overtaken the bad days. If you really cant do anything else to help yourself, just keep posting here. We are all ready to listen.

noteventhebestdrummer Thu 03-Jan-13 05:32:43

Was Dd2's birth a bad experience? That can take a LOT of working through if so - you can get specific help with that.
Hang in there!

NaturalBaby Thu 03-Jan-13 15:11:31

How are you this morning pumble?
Don't be sorry. When is your DH back and have you all been out for a walk today?

magimedi88 Thu 03-Jan-13 20:01:46

Still here, Pumble.

How are you, sweetie?

There are about 90 of us watching out for you - (( hug ))

tb Fri 04-Jan-13 03:08:20

Just thought I'd pop in again. I can remember being terrified that I would let dd down as my mother had let me down. One afternoon, she started crying in her cot upstairs, and I can remember having to pluck up the courage to go in to her, I was feeling so scared and inadequate.

I picked her up held her against my shoulder, and she stopped crying eventually - after about 30 full versions of Kumbayah. Who knows why it worked eventually, I haven't the faintest idea, maybe as I sang, (and sang, and sang), holding her against my shoulder, concentrating on singing and not really on her crying, I became less fraught and anxious, and she just relaxed and drifted off to sleep. When she was older, she used to ask for the 'God in the garden' story, and the poetry of the language in Authorised Version of the story of the Garden of Eden used to knock her out like a light. She always insisted that I hadn't read it all - but I had.

At 15 she still likes the song - and I've gone right off it. It was a relic of my mis-spent youth at Guide camps. It could have been a lot worse - thinking of the many verses of "you'll never go to heaven ....", "the quarter master's store" etc

hellhasnofurylikeahungrywoman Fri 04-Jan-13 03:52:09

Checking in on you Pumble, how are you.

EllenParsons Fri 04-Jan-13 04:15:13

Just read through all of this and wanted to add my support for you pumble. You do sound like a lovely mum, not a terrible one at all. I hope you can get some help and work through how you're feeling x

NewYearNewNN Fri 04-Jan-13 04:29:02

Hi, just checking in. thanks and <hugs>
How was Thursday?

Pumble Fri 04-Jan-13 19:15:44

I'm still here! Had a tough day yesterday, feeling a complete failure, hence the reason I didn't post, seemingly being unable to do anything right for either of my girls, but then, when I have my pragmatic hat on (this doesn't happen a lot at the moment I admit), I know that I had days like that when it was just dd1 and we all have days when we just feel a little grumpy. On the positive, DD2 did settle before 2am last night and although that might be a one off, I am taking it as a big positive!

I managed to get out and about with dd1 this morning as dh was at home and it was lovely to spend some time with just her if that makes sense and dh made me go to bed for a nap with dd2 this afternoon whilst he took dd1 to the park.

As you can probably tell, I am feeling a lot more positive at this precise moment - it's amazing what a difference a more positive day makes. I know it's only one day but I am just trying to take any positive as one small step at the moment.

Thank you so much for hanging on in there with me - you all have no idea how much this thread and your support means to me.

MrsJingleBells74 Fri 04-Jan-13 19:19:13

Glad you've had a positive day Pumble. Please try & remember it when you next have a crap day. It will help I'm sure. smile

Sunnywithshowers Fri 04-Jan-13 19:21:48

I'm glad you had a better day Pumble, you sound a lot more positive. smile One small step at a time is a great idea.

iMe Fri 04-Jan-13 19:30:10

I've been watching your thread, pumble and so happy to read a good update grin. Keep up the great work! (hug)

everlong Fri 04-Jan-13 19:32:21

Ah that's so good to read pumble keep going x

hellhasnofurylikeahungrywoman Fri 04-Jan-13 19:34:28

Pumble that is good to hear, and you're so right we do all have good days and bad days and sometimes, incredibly shit days. Baby steps are the way forward, sometimes there will be backward steps too but it doesn't mean you're failing, it just happens sometimes. Keep on stepping forward.

magimedi88 Fri 04-Jan-13 19:38:57

Little steps, sweetie, little steps.

Just SO pleased to hear from you.

Your DH sounds like a lovely. lovely man.

There are lots of us here - all wishing you well & cheering on those little steps.

((hug))

NaturalBaby Fri 04-Jan-13 20:10:30

You should keep a little diary or precious little moments like those. You can then look back and see proof of what a good mother you are. Don't over think things, don't look back, just look at the facts of the here and now.

Afternoon naps are the only thing that got me through each day. Once my older ds dropped the nap then it turned into t.v time. I still feel guilty about how much t.v they have watched but it's kept me going so worth it!

Keep checking in, we'll keep thinking of you.

<hugs> and <chocolate>

quietbatperson Fri 04-Jan-13 20:26:16

Small steps Pumble, they all make a difference smile

Glad to hear you had a better day, Pumble - a rest can make a world of difference. I used to nap when DD was sleeping and still do from time to time in order to just feel human. And I only have the one child. I still find it exhausting and have days when I feel as though I've been totally crap. Deep down I know I'm not, but that doesn't stop me....

Small steps are definitely the right way to go, so please do keep coming back. smile

R2PeePoo Sat 05-Jan-13 02:19:25

Thats so lovely Pumble. You sound much more positive.

I find its much easier to pull myself out of a dark period if I can remember how it feels to be happy, if that makes sense at all (its very late and I have been studying so not sure how much sense I am making right now!).

Really pleased for you x

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