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I abuse my DCs

(65 Posts)
FlojoHoHoHo Thu 27-Dec-12 14:09:31

It's far far worse than I ever thought. I knew it was bad but I just figured it'd get better. I'm snappy, I'm impatient, I fuss over everything and I get snappy when things don't go exactly to plan, when my DCs don't jump to attention every time I click and when they don't move fast enough. I shout, I say horrible things.
I'm so scared I will lose them. I love them so much.
BF (who broke up with me on Xmas day) just text this
"I've had enough, and who wouldn't! Watched on in disbelief as u ripped into those poor kids for little or no reason. (at least I know now It's not just me) difference is though, the kids can't just walk away....."
I want to commit suicide. I know they are better off without me but where would they go? DD has no dad and is so shy with strangers. I know its not the answer. But what is?

Flojobunny Thu 10-Jan-13 18:53:15

I don't think I could go a week without being shouty. I struggle to hold it together for a day. I don't realise til after the event that I could have handled things better.
An outreach worker from surestart was supposed to be getting back to me but not heard from her since.
Struggling to find a parenting course in the evening, they all seem to be day time round here and ages off.

Smudging Thu 10-Jan-13 18:45:45

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Smudging Thu 10-Jan-13 18:43:11

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

I have been where you are and it feels horrible - at my worst I shouted at my lovely girls to 'fuck off' in the street, right outside my house, because they didn't get out of the car 'quick enough'. It was a real low point and something I can't take back. I then had to admit that I was unwell and the truth is that if I was not unwell then I would not have been in that state. I think you are also unwell, people get asthma, people get diabetes, and people get their heads not behaving right. If you had asthma and it was making you so unwell that you couldn't look after your children properly then you would go to the doctor and get something to help. This is what you need to do. It may be that anti-depressants didn't work before because they didn't suit or were at the wrong dose. You need to go back and explain this to the GP and ask for another prescription. It does take time, you need to give it a go because you can feel better.

The other thing that helped me was a course of Mindfullness based cognitive therapy (MBCT) info here. It was through the NHS after a referral from my GP.

You are not a crap mum, you don't need to have your children taken away from you, but you do need to get better so you can look after them as well as possible. My children are 3, 6 and 8 and I have told them about 'mummy's bad head' so that on days I feel snappy and crap I can tell them so they know it is not their fault. I think it's ok to say sorry I've been grumpy and snappy, I love you all loads but my head has been a bit poorly and I'm trying to get better.

Sorry if this sounds bossy and prescriptive - I have a grizzly 3 year old here so am trying to rush! I have never read a post on MN that so rings the truth with me and I really felt I had to respond.

Flojobunny Thu 10-Jan-13 18:20:14

GP only mentioned anti depressants, but I don't want them, they didn't really help before.

Chooster Wed 09-Jan-13 22:35:51

Sorry that wasnt more positive flo... did you get to the gp?

I'm on this board as my dh has issues and the descrition of how you are with your kids is just like him. He has just seeing a councellor specialising in depression and seeing his gp soon.

Could you be depressed?

Flojobunny Tue 08-Jan-13 18:38:21

Someone from Homestart came to see me. Asked me lots of grueling questions just be told at the end of it that theres a long waiting list and the chances of me getting 'matched' when my hours are limited with work are slim sad

FlojoHoHoHo Sun 30-Dec-12 03:57:18

Thankyou, I really hope so.

TheRoundTable Sat 29-Dec-12 22:03:49

Just want to give you some hope. I have been where you are and it was admitting it and talking about it that helped. I still have bad days and when my depression gets really bad, I feel the kids are better off without me, but things have improved so much. I still wish that the past never happened, but then I am grateful that we are not where we used to be.

You are doing the right thing and admitting shows that you are a very caring mum, Flo. It will get easier for you with the right support. Take a day at a time and please don't be too hard on yourself even though that it very difficult. We all make mistakes and it is harder when we feel so alone in our struggles and judged too.

Homestart are lovely. And Surestart too. I hope you get some support soon and you get to feel better about yourself.

Hang in there! It is going to be okay.

chocolatespiders Sat 29-Dec-12 21:40:52

You got through the day. Nothing worse than being ill and trying to look after children.

FlojoHoHoHo Sat 29-Dec-12 21:38:29

Thankyou, unfortunately I've been floored today by flu type symptoms so can't see me venturing out any time soon.
On a good note, day 2 and no problems, unless u count leaving your kids to fend for themselves as I was ill in bed.

BoffinMum Sat 29-Dec-12 09:49:25

Can I suggest as an emergency measure that this is a hard time of year for anyone, as we are all so cooped up. But the more time you spend outside with the DCs, the easier everything will be to manage. It will be good for your own mental health, as well as wearing them out so they are easier to cope with at home. Swimming is another clever thing to do for all of you as well, especially if you can find a friend to go along with you to help. I am hoping this will help tide you over until 2 Jan.

FlojoHoHoHo Fri 28-Dec-12 16:12:06

I emailed surestart but got an automated response that they aren't back til the 2nd of Jan. I also emailed Homestart but they haven't got back to me so I'm guessing they are away til then too. My GP was full again today so its going to be then when they reopened again.

So sorry for you OP that your having such a tough time. Your taking the first step in recognising you have a problem so that shows that you care for your children & are not happy with the way you are treating them. I have worked with families where the parents are treating their children horribly but actually don't care. I would suggest seeing your GP to see if you have depression and he can help. My own df committed suicide 10 years ago after years of abandoning me & my db. I hate that he did this as I'm sure your dc would. They would not be better off without you or in care. They need you & need you to be well. Good luck with getting the help you need. Try not to be too harsh, bringing up children is exhausting & if your not sleeping its no wonder your snappy. Big hugs for you

InNeedOfBrandy Fri 28-Dec-12 14:02:18

Flo what makes you happy? Do you work? Do you have a hobby? Can you cultivate more friendships? Join a toddler group? Go to softplay so they bugger of and let you read a book in peace.I truly truly believe if your more happy and less stressed you'll stop taking it out on the dc. Don't feel bad about it we all do it sometimes but you've done really well to see it now you just have to make you happier now <hugs>

FlojoHoHoHo Fri 28-Dec-12 01:35:42

Brandy they arent usually that hands on. I usually stay with the kids and use that time to have a brew and communicate better with my DCs rather than at home snappy. I usually go about once a week for tea for a couple of hours.

CanIHaveAPetGiraffePlease Thu 27-Dec-12 23:56:26

Sounds like a really positive day, well done :-)

Home start is amazing (I'm planning to volunteer when mine are at school) and for anyone struggling for whatever reason. Here I've known it be a mum with twins or pnd or just a stressful time. I had my husband away during the week, ill heath a toddler and a new baby and having someone come each week really helped me. There isn't really a typical demographic if that worries you.

You're doing the right things seeking help and you've recently come through a lot. And Christmas! Be gentle on yourself.

Ah yes! The non stop talking. My DD is like that too.
Sometimes you can't hear yourself think for the constant chit chat.

The holidays are difficult too. No school to burn off energy or to give you a break. It's hard too when your family is away. Do your parents know that you have split up with your BF? Do they help out and look after your DC's sometimes?

InNeedOfBrandy Thu 27-Dec-12 22:37:14

Flo is there anyway your parents would have dc one night a week? Or one afternoon evening after school and bring them home to you fed bathed and in pjs?

I get like you, I get shouty snappy and scare my dc with my "barking" because of the mess and that they're under my feet. My lovely lovely nan has dc one night a week and it really really helps me. Also don't feel bad that they annoy you, send them to their room for a hour, it won't do them no harm. Everyone needs space and everyones dc annoy them.

I find the more happier I am the better parent I am, where as if I'm stressed I can't deal with them around me <channels scream>

Please don't ask ex for a blow by blow account of hoe you are as a parent, he is not an impartial judge.

FlojoHoHoHo Thu 27-Dec-12 22:29:19

4 and 7. It's my 7 yo that gets it worse. He never stops talking so that makes him worse. I love him for being so chatty but when I'm stressed and he's constantly chatting I feel like he's in my face and I can't get that space between us to cool off. Even though its usually the 4 yo that's not doing as she's asked. I'm usually yelling at DS to hurry up and stop messing can't he see I've enough on with his sister messing around without him wittering on and being too slow etc.

How old are your kids flo?
Sounds like you had a good day with them.
I think it's always better when you can get out of the house with them, even for a little whilst.

Please try again tomorrow with your GP. They'll be busy just now, but you are just as important as anyone else, so please keep trying.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FlojoHoHoHo Thu 27-Dec-12 21:42:55

Yes I'm still here. My parents who live locally (who I night have popped round to for a brew when stressed) have just gone to Scotland and my best friend (actually only friend) was busy and is off to cornwall for a fortnight tomorrow.
I rang the GP but they said to ring back in the morning because they are busy and I left a message asking HV to call me and she didn't.
I took the kids out for tea, as I knew I would hold it together better out of the house, and I did, though struggled to eat etc because I've felt in turmoil all day.
Gracie and 008 it really helps to know other might understand where I am.
Thankyou so much for everyone for their advice.
My surestart is pretty rubbish locally but I'm hoping the HV can help me, maybe with Homestart but I've never wanted to use them before because I've always felt there are others more in need but I think its time to face facts and get help and put my DCs first.
Custardo I think you are right, I totally spoilt my DCs at Xmas and I take them on lots of holidays partly to spoil them and partly to get out the house. It's the basic day to day stuff I am lacking.

OP - are you still there?
How are you feeling now?
How has your day been with the kids?

jessjessjess Thu 27-Dec-12 20:35:29

Samaritans are on 116123.

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