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I abuse my DCs

(65 Posts)
FlojoHoHoHo Thu 27-Dec-12 14:09:31

It's far far worse than I ever thought. I knew it was bad but I just figured it'd get better. I'm snappy, I'm impatient, I fuss over everything and I get snappy when things don't go exactly to plan, when my DCs don't jump to attention every time I click and when they don't move fast enough. I shout, I say horrible things.
I'm so scared I will lose them. I love them so much.
BF (who broke up with me on Xmas day) just text this
"I've had enough, and who wouldn't! Watched on in disbelief as u ripped into those poor kids for little or no reason. (at least I know now It's not just me) difference is though, the kids can't just walk away....."
I want to commit suicide. I know they are better off without me but where would they go? DD has no dad and is so shy with strangers. I know its not the answer. But what is?

Mumsyblouse Thu 27-Dec-12 14:15:35

Well, even if you are not the best mum in the world, your children wouldn't be better off without you at all, they would be devastated if you abandoned them.

This is fixable, but only if you get some support and help, I'm guessing you are on your own doing everything, you are probably tired and exhausted and taking it out on them.

There will be parenting classes in the New Year which you can join, sounds a bit weird but I have friends who say they are brilliant (1,2,3 Magic? ones)

I also think you should visit the GP, you may well be depressed/able to get help with an anger issue there (or a health visitor).

I think the key thing is to realise this is changeable, it is easy to fall into the habit of being angry and cross and shouting, but it is possible to change things.

It is also possible your BF is using this as a weapon against you , so bear in mind that you are doing the best you can, people sometimes lash out when they leave and this may be part of that.

D0G Thu 27-Dec-12 14:15:37

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mumsyblouse Thu 27-Dec-12 14:16:58

And, if you do feel desperate, or just want a listening ear, they really have heard it all before, don't sit alone and work yourself up into a paddy:

http://www.samaritans.org/

littleladyindoors Thu 27-Dec-12 14:19:13

didnt want to read and run- now you know and you have seen what you are doing, then you know that you need to change. Thats a good thing. Now you can make active steps to do it. I am sure you are not alone, and everyone loses their temper and shouts.
They will never be ok without you, be proud that you are asking for advice and wanting something better. You are a good person.
All my very best OP

forgetmenots Thu 27-Dec-12 14:21:30

The fact you've identified this is a huge start OP. Be hugely thankful this has happened and take steps (classes, counselling) to look at the behaviour and how you can change it. Meanwhile give your DCs a big hug. You need one too.

festivelyfocussed Thu 27-Dec-12 14:21:53

Flo. your children would absolutely NOT be better off without you.
I'm so sorry you're having such a hard time. No one is a perfect parent. I don't wish to speak out of turn but it sounds as though you could be depressed. and having bf leave on Xmas day can't be helping how u feel.
Is there anyone you can talk to openly? Family/ friend?
Take some pressure off yourself. Gather your kids up and give them a hug. Either go out for a walk or eat some chocolate or watch a funny movie - whatever makes u feel comforted.
Personally in your position I would call my GP and make an appointment.
If your dc are under school age then also your HV. There's support available for you. You are not alone and I promise you, you're not the only one who worries about how u r with your kids.

FlojoHoHoHo Thu 27-Dec-12 14:22:15

But I don't know how to make things better.
No matter how hard I try.

BoffinMum Thu 27-Dec-12 14:22:19

Heavens above, if tearing into your children verbally was a sin I'd have been in hell long ago. I think the 1 2 3 Magic or Triple P parenting course is the way forward here, plus you sound stressed with rock bottom self esteem, so perhaps making yourself a bit happier would be a good idea.

FellatioNelson Thu 27-Dec-12 14:22:41

sad Yes, it is fixable. go to your GP as soon as possible and be honest with him. Tell him what your DP said. And ask your DP to meet you and sit down calmly and talk to you about how he feels about what he has been witnessing. It will be tough to listen to, but it will help in the long run, if he can be completely frank with you, without you trying to justify the way you are or flying off the handle. Good luck. smile

saulaboutme Thu 27-Dec-12 14:23:05

I'm so sorry for you feeling like but you've realised that your behavior is damaging your family and now yourself so it's time for a big change. Suicide isn't the answer and its going to damage everyone even more. Have you thought about calling the Samaritans? It's not going.g to be easy but try hard to swap the hate for love with your dcs. Maybe leave the room if you feel you are going to snap and calm down. Please get some help. Its a new year and you and your dcs deserve happiness

Alisvolatpropiis Thu 27-Dec-12 14:23:36

Look...your ex is horrible to have said that. He is saying that because he is hurting over the relationship ending and knows it will really really hurt you. And it has. You are clearly not having a great time at the moment. Please call someone you can talk to,suicidal thoughts are very worrying.

My mum,when I was younger was exactly how you just described at times. Mostly before my parents split. At 24 I have a great relationship with her and as a whole,remember my childhood very positively. I feel lucky in comparison to some of my friends descriptions of their childhoods,short tempered mum included..

You are not being abusive. Short tempered yes,unhappy yes. Not abusive. Your children will not and could never be better off without you. Please don't think that. It's simply not true.

FellatioNelson Thu 27-Dec-12 14:24:17

Sorry - Are none of the children his?

If you're recognising a problem then you can do something about it. Go to your GP or your local sure start centre and ask for help. Good luck.

Flo - please don't think that your kids would be better off without you. They love you and need you.

As others said, this can be fixed. Go speak to your GP. Or why don't you write down how you feel and give him the letter. Let him read it and let him help you.

Come back and post on here. We're listening.
BTW, no such thing as a perfect parent. We all loose our temper sometimes.

CanIHaveAPetGiraffePlease Thu 27-Dec-12 14:27:40

Please please don't give up or continue like this but make a decision to get help in the new year. Make appointments with gp, hv, and home start. Get as much help as you can.

You need to move beyond any self pity or, sitting thinking how awful you are to positive action. Sometimes its harder to work at improving things than to just wail or give up but you can do it. You can improve things for all of you and just think what a different year you will have and how different life will be next Christmas.

You need to be open and honest with homestart and hv. Say something like, I'm on my own and struggling and I'm not treating the children as I'd like -can you help me. Ask if there's parenting courses (these are usually good and you find others that are finding it tough too). There may be other v!groups or avenues of support locally.

Homestart can provide you with a volunteer once a week who can come alongside you and play with the children with you and generally help and give you ideas if you want them.

People are not quick to take kids away and are far more impressed by a mother who wants to improve things and asks for help.

Christmas is a stressful time of year. Try not to keep beating yourself up and instead channel that energy into change.

zippey Thu 27-Dec-12 14:29:01

I would have to say that children are always better off without an abusive parent, male or female. Where you are abusing them or not I cant say but its best you get help, if you want to help your children. At least you are admitting it.

Maybe speak to a health visitor to see what can be done. Do you have any family around?

MissyRain Thu 27-Dec-12 14:30:07

You cange on step at a time ond day at a time.

I think you need counciling for a start. You have no self esteem and you need to sort that out. Forget about other people for now. You need to sort out your relationship with your kids first.

If there is a surestart centre by you contact them about a parenting course.

Talk to your gp about depression and take the questionair.

You have the ability to make your life better.

Alisvolatpropiis Thu 27-Dec-12 14:30:18

Meant to say, it is positive that you have realised that your behaviour is not quite right. Do seek help in some way. But really,it sounds like you are stressed and unhappy not abusive. So it's you and your state of mind you need to focus on.

Wishing you all the best.

FobblyWoof Thu 27-Dec-12 14:31:13

You sounds stressed and down beyond belief. But it will get better. We all get in a rut sometimes. I'm not trying to downplay how you feel, just show that there are others out there and you're not alone. Nor are you the worst mother in the world.

It sounds like your ex is trying to get at you, and he's succeeding, so please don't listen to him. First step is the doctors then parenting classes just so you can break the bad habits

CanIHaveAPetGiraffePlease Thu 27-Dec-12 14:32:59

Just read all the posts that happened while I was typing! We all agree it seems!

I understand you don't know how to change things and that's why it's important to ask for help. Can you ring hv this afternoon? Our are v.quiet this week as people don't tend lo want visits.

Also when you children's centre opens ring them or go in and ask for a family support worker.

WorraLorraTurkey Thu 27-Dec-12 14:33:46

I would have to say that children are always better off without an abusive parent, male or female. Where you are abusing them or not I cant say but its best you get help, if you want to help your children. At least you are admitting it.

I agree with zippey OP.

You've taken the first step towards admitting it...now's the time to do something about it.

I'm sure the posters here will give you some advice as to how to get the ball rolling regarding help.

Good luck thanks

strumpetpumpkin Thu 27-Dec-12 14:34:10

youve recognised this, its a huge step. Its difficult when you are so overwhelmed that any little thing not running to plan makes you feel like its all falling apart.
Stress mangement techniques. Parenting classes, and learning to relax about things.
It can and will be fixed. Maybe this was a really good wake up call.

chocolatespiders Thu 27-Dec-12 14:36:48

Changing starts now with good support.

I have been snappy with my children today but this is because I have no child support for 6 months and I am now worrying how I will pay rent on 1st jan.

It is hard going being a single parent and you need to ask for support.

Do you have family near you?

CecilyP Thu 27-Dec-12 14:46:45

Your children would absolutely not be better off without you - get those thoughts out of your mind now. You are the only mum, and in some cases, the only parent, your children have.

You have acknowledged that you are not the most patient, but others have given advice on how to get help and support to try to improve things. And, as they get older, you may just find things easier anyway. I had a really short fuse when DS was young but now he is grown we are the best of friends.

Don't forget your BF may feel a bit guilty for breaking up with you on Christmas day, so will have focused on anything negative about you in order to make himself feel better.

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